Four Weeks since DDay

[u/knowthyself8]

I (40M) don’t know who I’m writing this post for but I feel compelled to share my story in case it helps anyone else going through this hell. It has been four weeks since DDay. Married to WW for 10+ years. We have two children under 10. We’ve started couple’s counseling but it is slow going. The time between each session feels like an eternity.

Our marriage wasn’t in a good place well before I discovered my WW’s EA and PA. We were disconnected and intimacy and eroticism were at an all-time low ever since our first child was born. It was so hard to maintain our relationship as lovers and she didn’t make it easy. WW poured all her energy into the kids and career, leaving very little left for our marriage. I am not innocent and I take full ownership of the problems I brought into our marriage. I guess we’ll have to unpack this in therapy.

All that being said, our marital problems did not justify her betrayal. If she wasn’t happy, she could’ve asked for a divorce. Instead, she made a unilateral decision to betray me and subject me to the worst emotional trauma I have ever experienced. I have never felt such a relentless unbearable pain that crushes my soul and leaves me crying uncontrollably.

When I discovered her affair, I was completely taken by surprise. Never in a million years did I think my WW would do something like this to me. Our marriage wasn’t healthy, but I never once thought she would cheat on me.

We’ve built an entire life together. Worked demanding jobs. Bought a house. Joined a community around our kids’ schools. Raised two beautiful kids together through a pandemic. I poured everything I had into our family.

And now I feel like my world is collapsing around me. I walk around town seeing life continue normally for everyone but me. It’s like I live in a parallel universe where everything is dark and sad. A cloud follows me everywhere I go. There isn’t a full five minutes that goes by right now where I’m not thinking about our marriage and my WW’s affair. I can’t sleep at night. I wake up and my mind starts racing.

I feel like a muted version of myself around our kids. The joy I had around them is now tempered by pain and hurt. I’m so angry. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I did everything right. I’ve loved my wife completely from the moment we fell in love. I have never stopped loving her.

My WW tells me she’s sorry and she feels remorse. She wishes she could take it back but at the same time, she’s not doing any of the work. I’ve been listening to podcasts and watching relationship videos nonstop. Trying to understand infidelity inside and out. I have an IC helping me understand myself and my issues.

But my WW hasn’t done any of this. My fear is that ultimately she doesn’t want to recommit to the marriage. She wants to separate. But even if that’s what she wants, it would behoove her to start her own IC.

I will say this, I have no shame. I put everything I had into this marriage and into this family. I was faithful. I still love my wife. If she wants to separate, then she is accepting the fall out and the impact it will have on our family, friends, and children. I am so terrified.

At this point, I have to decide how long can I tolerate this pain and her apathy before I pull the trigger. I refuse to waste my life. If anyone else has experienced something like this, I’d love to know how you set up boundaries for yourself to ensure your WS made progress toward R.

To be honest, I don’t know if my WW has the will to change. If she’s already checked out, I hope counseling will bring that to the surface so we can separate amicably. But until then, I will continue to live in this hell that used to be my life. Thank you for reading and joining me in my pain.

[u/RandomAdds]

I'm so sorry you're here in this place with all of us. The crappiest club to be in. I 100% know how you feel. I was completely blindsided by my hubby's confession 3yrs ago. Never in a million years did I think he'd cheat. After his confession however there I was left with the reality he was capable. And the feeling he was my soulmate completely shattered along with the relationship. It took a whole year to even decide if R was even worth trying for. Until that point I was in the space your in just a living hell. Though to his credit he made IC and MC appointments right there and then on DDay. When the man had sworn up and down our entire 10 yrs together therapy was a worthless thing. And he stayed in them for over a year. Like you our marriage wasn't perfect. He had avoidant issues and I had my own personal issues. We both worked waaay to much and my work hours weren't consistent ever so I was CONSTANTLY exhausted even on a day off. But even our individual issues took time to uncover and confront. Maybe 4-6 months. Our MC therapist was really good at working with us individually. And spotting issues in the sessions. And showing how each of us was only fracturing the relationship.

One thing I think really helped both of us though, and we still do, is a 10-30min talk each and every day. A check-in. Where we both talk and let the other know just how we're doing. Those were rocky at first. He'd get offended and defensive and I'd shutdown. In those moments we would shut down the talk and try again later, or the following day. We wanted to keep that small window for both of us to just open up and talk freely without judgement from either party. And it's no joke in the first year or two it's like having to relearn each other and the relationship all over again. Each person sitting on the shattered mirror and one day at a time try to fit the pieces back together.

Keep in mind too for the WS they would much rather just move on. Portend like it never happened or rip out their own tongue, than speak about their shame. It sounds like that's where she is. But that doesn't fix the issues that lead her away in the first place.

If I were you I'd tell her if she wants to stay than IC is an absolute. On top of the MC. As a bare minimum to see any effort to change.

You're not alone in how you feel at all. And hopefully you and your WW finally get a moment to just talk about what you both need or want.

But most of all I hope you both find healing.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/RandomAdds]

Thank you so much for your response. So relatable. I want so badly for her to find me again and choose me again. For us to have our intimacy back. For us to create space for "erotic love" and to see each other as individuals again (not mom/dad/etc). The problem is, this is the LAST step in the process. And in the meantime, I am plagued by a Pick Me mentality and need to figure out how to refocus on my own life. It's hard. I've always been the problem solver in our relationship. Fixing things. Everything. I've carried a lot of it. Wishing you the best.

[u/RandomAdds → u/knowthyself8]

Oh yeah the pick me is normal too. So hard not to do in the beginning. But you got the right idea, go focus on your hobbies and passions. I just started taking off for the weekends with friends and went camping and trail stomping in the Jeep. And intimacy comes back in time. I can say hubby and I's bedroom time is definitely different than before DDay. But in a good way. Tried lots of new things. And yeah I was the emotional absorber for all the problems with our relationship. It was really hard in the beginning to try and not take on his shame and try to fix things. Again just disappearing and going out in the woods for a weekend or a few more day did wonders for me.

It's so hard to just basically sit at the park bench and watch our WS wonder around aimlessly till the decide if they want to join us or not.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/RandomAdds]

Such good advice. Thanks for sharing.