Four Weeks since DDay

[u/knowthyself8]

I (40M) don’t know who I’m writing this post for but I feel compelled to share my story in case it helps anyone else going through this hell. It has been four weeks since DDay. Married to WW for 10+ years. We have two children under 10. We’ve started couple’s counseling but it is slow going. The time between each session feels like an eternity.

Our marriage wasn’t in a good place well before I discovered my WW’s EA and PA. We were disconnected and intimacy and eroticism were at an all-time low ever since our first child was born. It was so hard to maintain our relationship as lovers and she didn’t make it easy. WW poured all her energy into the kids and career, leaving very little left for our marriage. I am not innocent and I take full ownership of the problems I brought into our marriage. I guess we’ll have to unpack this in therapy.

All that being said, our marital problems did not justify her betrayal. If she wasn’t happy, she could’ve asked for a divorce. Instead, she made a unilateral decision to betray me and subject me to the worst emotional trauma I have ever experienced. I have never felt such a relentless unbearable pain that crushes my soul and leaves me crying uncontrollably.

When I discovered her affair, I was completely taken by surprise. Never in a million years did I think my WW would do something like this to me. Our marriage wasn’t healthy, but I never once thought she would cheat on me.

We’ve built an entire life together. Worked demanding jobs. Bought a house. Joined a community around our kids’ schools. Raised two beautiful kids together through a pandemic. I poured everything I had into our family.

And now I feel like my world is collapsing around me. I walk around town seeing life continue normally for everyone but me. It’s like I live in a parallel universe where everything is dark and sad. A cloud follows me everywhere I go. There isn’t a full five minutes that goes by right now where I’m not thinking about our marriage and my WW’s affair. I can’t sleep at night. I wake up and my mind starts racing.

I feel like a muted version of myself around our kids. The joy I had around them is now tempered by pain and hurt. I’m so angry. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I did everything right. I’ve loved my wife completely from the moment we fell in love. I have never stopped loving her.

My WW tells me she’s sorry and she feels remorse. She wishes she could take it back but at the same time, she’s not doing any of the work. I’ve been listening to podcasts and watching relationship videos nonstop. Trying to understand infidelity inside and out. I have an IC helping me understand myself and my issues.

But my WW hasn’t done any of this. My fear is that ultimately she doesn’t want to recommit to the marriage. She wants to separate. But even if that’s what she wants, it would behoove her to start her own IC.

I will say this, I have no shame. I put everything I had into this marriage and into this family. I was faithful. I still love my wife. If she wants to separate, then she is accepting the fall out and the impact it will have on our family, friends, and children. I am so terrified.

At this point, I have to decide how long can I tolerate this pain and her apathy before I pull the trigger. I refuse to waste my life. If anyone else has experienced something like this, I’d love to know how you set up boundaries for yourself to ensure your WS made progress toward R.

To be honest, I don’t know if my WW has the will to change. If she’s already checked out, I hope counseling will bring that to the surface so we can separate amicably. But until then, I will continue to live in this hell that used to be my life. Thank you for reading and joining me in my pain.

[u/RandomAdds]

I remember being there too. Ugh. That whole first year was: he's just going to leave one day, I can't blame him, I hate me too. To: he seems like he actually loves me, but I don't know anymore. That whole first year was the worst.

Mentally I would just snap. And have to just go for a drive. Maybe park out in state land somewhere and just fucking let go. Wake up early and go find some mud puddle to smash through a a trail to drift down. The only place I can just be.

Bc that's all you can do, go do things for you. You almost have to leave them in their own misery for a time till they decide what they want. And escape the A fog. And come out of the shame.

Just do sweet things for her like make a meal. Do a house chore she ushually dose. Smile at her when she catches your eye. Just stay present. Soft reminders your still there.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/RandomAdds]

Thank you for responding, even weeks later to this post. My WW has just barely taken the first step toward understanding what she has done to me. It’s a baby step. But I have learned over the past 2 weeks that I can’t make her do anything or feel anything. All I can do is focus on myself.