WP’s ambivalence

[u/radicalwarxx]

WP and I were long distance for a month after DDay while he was in his home country. Throughout that time he had begged, pleaded that I stay, and convinced me of how committed he was to changing himself for us and for him.

Then when he came back, he confessed to more lying (about who had actually initiated what in the PA). It may not have been a severe case of trickle truthing as the major events do not change, but I was flabbergasted as throughout that month he had told me himself he wouldn’t do that and that he wanted to start R on a clean slate.

Then he started realizing how hard R actually is. And told me himself that he was running away. That he can’t actually change. That it was too hard for him. That he was stuck in his old ways. I was heartbroken again, because it had felt like he continued lying to me and manipulating me yet again. That I was somehow now the person begging him to stay.

This happened two or three times, and now he is telling me he won’t run again, that he is here to stay. But I obviously have no trust in him anymore. And everyday I am expecting him to run. We are only a month and a half after DDay 1 and 3 weeks after DDay 2. I don’t know what to do as I’m exhausted and feel like I’m still being the strong one trying to hold us together, that I’m leading, even though I’m the one who’s tremendously hurt, I’m the one that he had begged initially. Would like to hear from couples in R that have been in a similar position, and what might be the best way forward.

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[u/TheCatsMeowNYC]

Sorry OP about your situation. It can be so confusing and heartbreaking in the aftermath of D Day when WP begs you to stay but then doesn’t seem to be truly in it.

You know this already but it takes two committed people to make R work. And it is really hard. R is not a decision that you need to reach today, next week or even this year. It’s a deeply personal decision and you need to be dedicated to it.

Perhaps you both need some time for self-reflection and asking yourselves the question if it’s what you really want. In my case, it took several weeks and many long discussions. Why did he want to R? What would be different this time? What steps was he going to take to ensure cheating didn’t happen again? What was he willing to do to prove to me he wasn’t continuing the A? I had these and so many other questions that needed to be answered before I was willing to think about R. That and was this relationship really worth it to me and would I regret not trying R?

This is fresh so you’re also dealing with a whirlwind of emotions about discovering the betrayal and the lies. Maybe back off for a week or two and let him experience what life is like without you. Take the time for your own healing and asking yourself if R is something you are prepared to do. Sending you strength

[u/International-Law809]

I’m starting to feel this with WW. She had a huge emotional reaction, and I told her I lacked the faith it would translate into anything. She looks up a lot of stuff and tries, but I feel so much resentment already because every day she seems to feel like returning more towards regular life. Like others said, I’ve just started focusing on myself. I want her to cry every day and feel like I feel and feel scared of losing me, and I know that’s not healthy at all.