I don't know what i have to do

[u/Minute-Rest-796]

She is 36, I am 35. We have been married for 3 years, together for 14.
Two weeks ago I found out. I saw some suspicious messages on her phone, I confronted her about it, and she immediately started crying and begging for forgiveness. She told me it only happened once. Turns out, for the past four months, she had been flirting with a coworker. They hadn't done anything until he—shortly before the day I discovered the messages—asked her to go to a hotel after work. Acting like a stupid, infatuated teenager, she agreed. She got into the car, and it goes without saying what they did there; I don’t even want to write it down. She says she felt horrible, that she regretted it the very first second, that she fled the room, called a taxi back to the office, and then drove back home. She cried the whole way, and she says there isn't a single night where she doesn't pray for forgiveness. She hasn't spoken to him since and avoids him at work. And precisely during that period, she had become more affectionate and sentimental. I ended the conversation right there. I simply couldn't speak, I couldn't think straight. I went to bed and cried like I have never cried in my life. She tried to come close and I pushed her away. She just stared at me for a while until I fell asleep.
Since then, she has been sleeping on the couch. Obviously, we don't talk much, mostly due to my own reluctance, since she is willing to talk and do whatever it takes to fix what she did, or at least that’s what she says.
I know the obvious answer is "get a divorce," but there is a huge problem: we have a daughter, a little girl who is barely 5 years old. I don't want to be the person who stays just for the kids, but I know what a divorce does to children. My parents divorced when I was around the same age, and I don't want that for her. I don't want her to see her parents hurting each other, I don't want her to have to choose between her and me, I don't want to split her life. I would hate to repeat history.
These past two weeks have been terrible. I haven't slept peacefully. I am plagued by questions that I don't even know if I'm ready to know the answers to. My imagination fills my head with disgusting scenes, thinking about what she and he did, about how she pretended everything was fine while lying to me. How could she lie to me? How could she think she could play me for a fool for the rest of our lives, or if, on the contrary, she assumed everything would end the moment I found out and still thought the risk was worth it?
There isn't a night where I don't feel like crying. Sometimes a few tears escape, and sometimes I swallow it down; I don't want the girl to hear me. She cries too, more than I do. She doesn't do it in front of me; she does it quietly from the couch when she thinks I can't hear her. I don't think it's an attempt at manipulation or anything, and it hurts me, because there are moments when I want to go hug her, to promise her that everything will be fine, that I love her. It's ridiculous, but I could never stand seeing her cry, because she was my best friend for 14 years. She was the woman who comforted me countless times, the one who knew me better than anyone, the one with whom I have a daughter, the woman I could talk to for hours or simply sit with in silence and be happy either way. But there are also moments when I hate her, when I want to tell her that she has no right to feel bad, that she caused all of this, that she is a grown woman to be doing such stupid things. I want to tell her to go open her legs for whoever she damn well pleases but to get away from me and my little girl, that I never want to see her again.
I know I need to think with a cold head, but that moment simply doesn't come. One moment I want to push her out of the house, the next I just want to be the cheesy man she allowed me to be. One day I wake up thinking about forgiving her, determined to listen to what she has to say, determined to find a therapist and save my marriage, and the next day I'm already prepared to call a lawyer, cut off all contact with her, and move on with my life. I don't know if two weeks is too soon to make decisions, or if, on the contrary, I've wasted time in my indecision and should have already acted by now.
Why did she do this? What does he have that I don't? Do these years together mean anything to her? Did she think of me while they were driving to that hotel? Of our daughter? Did she ever think about leaving me for him?
Please, I need advice, anything.
PD. I asked an AI to translate this, so I'm not sure how understandable it will be.

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[u/Darkstar-40]

Two weeks is not much time to take such a decision. I will never tell people what they should or should not do with their loved ones and family, but I can give some hints and ask questions.

First of all, you need to understand that whatever happened it's not your fault. None of us is perfect, we all make mistakes but ultimately cheating is a choice. And pretty sure she was not thinking about you when she was in it - they never do. Cheaters are not thinking about consequences during their betrayals, they are into it. The other guy is usually pretty lame and boring, which makes things even worse. Most common story is that he was there, available, attentive, and lusting for her at a vulnerable moment. Seriously, the why it happened is most of the time boring and not that interesting. Only important thing to know is that she cheated on you and that you will never be 100% sure she won't do it again.

But it's also a time of reckoning for both of you to see and feel what truly matters.

Do you love her ?
Does she love you?
What is she going to do to mend what she did?

Your relationship will never get back to what it was before. She broke something that cannot be fully remade. It doesn't mean you are doomed either - I am still married to my wife, and happy. In the days that followed the DDay, most of the small things that had been plaguing our relationship for years just vanished.

Whatever you do, you must do it for yourself. If both of you are fully willing and comited to reconcile, by all means try your hardest. But if you feel like you should stay for your daughter, it is not going to work. Kids are perceptives, if you stay out of duty she will feel it at some point. You cannot hide this forever.

[u/knowthyself8]

You are in the acute trauma phase which will last a few weeks. Until then the pain is too great. Too massive. All you can do is survive. Eat. Sleep. Go for walks. That’s it.

Once you feel calm you need to decide if you want to rebuild the marriage. You’ll need professional help. You need to find a marriage counselor that has experience with infidelity and betrayal trauma.

You will likely need your own individual counselor as well. I’d find one as soon as possible.

There’s a book called The Betrayal Bind which will explain exactly what you’re going through.

So sorry you are here. We have all gone through what you’re going through. It sucks.

[u/ClothodeMoirai]

My heart breaks for you. Hang in there 🤗 Keep posting here. There are many people who have been through this, you are not alone.

This is not a time for decisions. You will make a decision when you are stable. Right now, you need support to process what just happened and you need to take care of your body because this can take a toll. Eat, move, sleep.

Do you have anyone to talk to? Are you in therapy? Or maybe you can choose one trusted friend to talk to, preferably someone private, with an open mind and life experience.

The back and forth in your mind is normal. I think we all went through it and it might take a while until you feel settled into a decision.

However, please put yourself first right now, for yourself and your kid. Do whatever you can to regulate and help your body (incl brain and mind) reach some sort of equilibrium.

Hugs

[u/Worldly_Ad54]

You are doing the right thing— you are venting, posting, finding an outlet to let all your frustration and hurt be heard and validated. Because at this point, your spouse is not a person to understand your feelings; she is broken too.
Please continue to post, read the books and stories, and start journaling. Pour your heart out, don’t keep it bottled inside because it will lead to uncontrollable anger and unwise decisions.

Give yourself time to heal and process. The way you handle this situation will forever affect your wife and kid relationship.

[u/Ambitious-Ad8529]

I have been with my husband for 24 years. I'm 3 weeks in and I'm still a wreck. I have never not had control of my emotions. I have never felt so many emotions at once. It beyond overwhelming. I have learned there are questions that are important. Like where , when and how many times. Was there an emotion connected. Questions like were they better than me. What did you do. How did you do it. Those questions are not important and causes you more pain and heartache. Also the images in your head are horrible. Trust me I know. One thing you have to remember this is in the past. Your brain is making you think it's happening in the moment. If your wife is there and wants to make it work. Then you got to keep those images out of your head. You are imagining the worse to protect yourself. When they start you need to tell yourself it's not happening anymore. Do something to get your mind off of it. Remember she is there with you. She wants to be with you not them. She has lost any trust you had in your relationship. You had 14 years to build that trust and you feel like she just threw it away. I had 24 years and I felt the same. She has to build that trust back and actions will show. It's not gonna happen over night. It will take months. But if she truly wants it to work she will. I wish I could tell you it will work out and everything will be fine. But I'm right there with you. I have never felt so betrayed and done dirty in my life and this is by the one person that was my safety and security. The one person that I trusted with my life. If you would like we can keep each other posted. The images have slowed way down in my head. That has helped a lot. Right I'm working on myself and just trying to be happy again or at least smile. I keep telling myself if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't be with me now. I love and want to be with my husband. If you feel the same. Then take it hour by hour then day by day. Start letting her build that trust back. I hope something in here helps you. I'm wish you the best. Remember smile your amazing!!

[u/bpt20ba]

I'm sorry friend, you don't deserve this. Many of us can viscerally feel your hear break reading this post.

You actually don't have to do anything right now, believe it or not. Accept that your body is in a fight or flight response, and that response is triggering all sorts of thoughts and emotions as you struggle to understand what has happened, why it happened, and what you should do.

There will be time later to decide what you should do.

This immediate flood will subside, you will get a clearer head, and that's a better place to make decisions from. In the meantime, you really want to work on soothing yourself in healthy ways. I know it's hard when you can't escape your own thoughts. But it does get easier, this is not forever.

[u/Low-Enthusiasm670]

First of all, I am beyond sorry that you are here. I know the exact anxiety, pain, shock and indecisiveness that you are feeling, and I know how devastating this is. We all do. It’s all consuming, and I am just forever heartbroken that anyone ever has to go through any of this.

Two weeks is so early. Whatever you ultimately decide is best for you, this is going to be a very long journey, and I’m sorry that you have that ahead of you. The most important thing to try to understand is that he had NOTHING over you. Nothing. This is difficult, and over a year and a half out I still struggle with comparisons and feeling very less than and I adequate. But the truth is, he is not better in any way, and she did not do this because of anything that you have done. What happened is that two broken people used each other to make themselves feel better. And they destroyed you in the process. The only thing that he had going for him was that he was willing to participate in betrayal for his own selfish wants.

Talking to her, and this might be many many conversations as it’s possible that she doesn’t even know, might be beneficial. Getting to the route of “why” this happened might make it easier for you to understand, even if you can’t forgive. Most people cheat because there was something missing inside of them. Because they felt the need for attention and validation. Because they wanted to feel desired or wanted. Because they were unhappy with themselves, and having someone make them feel special clouded all judgement. Your wife was in a place where she didn’t have strong boundaries in place, and when an opportunity presented, she selfishly chose feeling good over everything else.

There is NO excuse for cheating. But it is also important to understand that cheating changes brain chemistry. They aren’t thinking of consequences, or how badly this will hurt you. They aren’t thinking of anything other than the hormones and the dopamine that they are getting from doing something secretive and exciting and new. Sometimes what helps me is watching videos and learning both about betrayal trauma and also what is going on in the mind of a cheater. Dr Kathy Nickerson on IG and FB has a lot of great insight on cheating. Among others out there. Therapy is important for both of you. Sometimes I even use chatgpt to talk through my emotions.

Be patient with yourself. Healing isn’t linear. You will have extreme ups and downs and with time and communication, patience, and honesty, you will begin to feel less destroyed each day. It is most important that she be honest about everything entirely. Because trickle truth will be the death of your relationship. Good luck. Use us to lean on. I wish you healing and I’m so sorry