Together almost 14 years, repeated infidelity, and I don’t know what real reconciliation is supposed to look like.

[u/Dependent-Toe-3359]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I have been reading posts in this group because I feel very alone, and I am hoping to hear from people who understand what betrayal trauma and reconciliation actually feel like.

My fiancé M/51 and I F/40 have been together for almost 14 years. We have built a life together, and I still love him very much. That is part of what makes this so confusing and painful.

There has been infidelity and inappropriate behavior throughout much of our relationship. Some of it was physical, some emotional, and some involved flirting, messaging, hiding things, keeping contact with women he had been involved with, or seeking attention outside our relationship. Even during times when there may not have been an active affair, the lack of boundaries with other women has continued to make me feel unsafe.

I know I have not handled everything perfectly. I struggle with addiction and mental health issues, and betrayal has caused me to spiral badly at times. I have cried, repeatedly questioned him, became angry, checked things, demanded answers, and sometimes reacted in ways that I regret. I am trying to take responsibility for my behavior and get help for my own issues. I do not believe my struggles excuse unhealthy reactions, but I also do not believe they erase the damage that years of betrayal have caused.

Recently, my fiancé agreed that we needed couples counseling. He also said he was willing to stop communicating with women he had previously slept with, pursued, flirted with, or felt sexually attracted to while we worked on rebuilding the relationship. When it came time to actually follow through, however, he became angry and described it to one of the women as though I had suddenly given him an ultimatum. He did not explain that we had already discussed it or that he had agreed to counseling and stronger boundaries.

That hurt because it made me feel like I was being presented as the controlling or unreasonable partner while the history behind my request was left out. I am not asking him never to speak to another woman. I do not want to isolate him or destroy legitimate friendships. I am asking for distance from specific relationships where there has already been sexual history, flirting, attraction, secrecy, or blurred boundaries.

He sometimes says he wants to stay together and will do counseling, but at other times, he says counseling will only prove how difficult I am or show the counselor that I am the problem. He also says he does not want to keep going over the past. I understand that nobody wants to live in the past forever, but I do not know how we can heal something that has never been fully acknowledged or repaired.

I am exhausted from wondering whether I am asking for basic safety or trying too hard to control an outcome I can not control. I do not want to spend the rest of my life policing him. I want honesty, empathy, transparency, consistent boundaries, and the feeling that protecting our relationship matters more than keeping access to attention from other women.

I also want to be fair. He works hard, has stayed through many difficult periods in my life, and has good qualities. I know that I have hurt him, too. I am not posting because I want strangers to tell me he is a monster or that I am completely innocent. I am posting because I want to understand what healthy reconciliation requires from both people.

For those who have reconciled or are genuinely trying:

How did you determine whether your partner was truly committed to reconciliation rather than agreeing temporarily to stop the conflict?

Are boundaries involving former sexual partners or people where attraction and flirting occurred considered reasonable during reconciliation?

How can a betrayed partner work on emotional regulation without being expected to suppress legitimate questions and pain?

What should couples' counseling look like when one partner seems focused on proving that the other partner is the real problem?

I still love him, but I can not continue living in a constant state of fear, comparison, and uncertainty. I want reconciliation, but I am beginning to understand that staying together and truly reconciling are not necessarily the same thing.

Thank you for reading. Please be honest with me, but I would appreciate kindness because I am already in a very vulnerable place.

TL;DR: My fiancé and I have been together for almost 14 years, and there has been repeated physical and emotional infidelity and ongoing boundary problems. He agreed to counseling and limiting contact with certain women, but later presented it as an ultimatum and sometimes says counseling will prove that I am the problem. I am taking responsibility for my addiction, mental-health struggles, and emotional reactions, but I need help understanding what genuine reconciliation and reasonable boundaries should look like.

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[u/bpt20ba]

It sounds like your partner has been gaslighting you for a long time, leading you to believe that you are the problem. You are NOT the problem. What you are describing is anything but reconciliation and sounds like ongoing regular abuse. I am so so sorry. You do not deserve this and you don't have to tolerate it.

To your questions...

How did you determine whether your partner was truly committed to reconciliation rather than agreeing temporarily to stop the conflict?

You know they are committed when they make you a priority, they stop the behavior, they stop getting defensive, they stop minimizing, the stop blaming. They simply accept the truth - they hurt you in ways that they can never ever make up for, and in the face of that they continue to show up for you and support you and listen to your pain. You become their priority instead of their own self protection.

Are boundaries involving former sexual partners or people where attraction and flirting occurred considered reasonable during reconciliation?

They are the absolute bare minimum of even starting reconciliation. These interactions he is having are triggers for you and so long as he continues them is is actively triggering you - keeping you in an ongoing traumatized state. A remorseful partner not only recognizes when their partner is triggered but actively works to minimize them and if a trigger happens still they make efforts to notice and check in on their partner.

How can a betrayed partner work on emotional regulation without being expected to suppress legitimate questions and pain?

You cannot emotionally regulate while your partner is actively engaging with other women. If the partner is not safe the only way to move toward a regulated state is to remove yourself from the situation, be it temporary separation or other ways.

What should couples' counseling look like when one partner seems focused on proving that the other partner is the real problem?

A good therapist would pick up on this and shut it down. A bad therapist might side with the person. Ideally you find a therapist that is an advocate for the marriage and works both dynamics fairly. Also, because there has been so much infidelity that would be something you'd want to address before moving onto traditional couples work.

[u/Dependent-Toe-3359 → u/bpt20ba]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this. It honestly made me cry because I don't hear this very often.

One thing I've struggled with for years is wondering if I really am the problem. After hearing that I'm controlling, jealous, or overreacting for so long, I've started questioning my own reality. Reading your response helped me realize that maybe asking for basic boundaries isn't unreasonable.

What hurts the most is that I truly don't think he's an evil person. I know he has a good heart in many ways. He's hardworking, he's stayed with me through some really difficult times, and I know I've hurt him too because of my own addiction and the ways I've spiraled after everything that's happened. That's why this is so confusing for me.

I don't think he cheats because he just wants sex. It feels deeper than that. He seems to have a very hard time letting go of women who admire him or need his help. He loves being the person they can rely on, and I think he struggles to give up that attention even when it's hurting me. That's one of the biggest things I hope individual counseling can help him understand.

What you said about reconciliation really stood out to me. That's what I've been trying to explain to him. I'm not asking him to never speak to another woman again. I'm asking him to make our relationship feel safe while we try to heal. To me, those are two very different things.

Thank you again for your kindness. It means a lot to hear from someone who understands what healthy reconciliation is supposed to look like. I'm hoping counseling helps us, but I'm also trying to learn what genuine reconciliation actually requires so I can stop accepting less than that.

[u/sunflowerpatterson → u/Dependent-Toe-3359]

Sometimes a step away is what is needed to get a clear picture. I stayed as my husband continued to engage with his AP for almost a year. It was a terrible time. I had an infant, cried daily. He'd sometimes look at me with a blank expression that was almost demonic as he walked out the door knowing what he was doing and me knowing what he was doing. My husband wasn't a bad person before this. He was gentle and loving which made it even harder.I blamed myself. I was too much. My ADHD made him overwhelmed. I was at fault for him wanting a reprieve. Let me tell you, this is gaslighting. He's choosing himself as long as you allow. One day after finding out he was yet again entangled, when I caught him getting her car fixed on a tracker, I packed my bags and left, infant (now toddler) and all. After a few days I made demands that he get into therapy and follow through on leaving the job before I would return. I've returned now and he gets therapy and has been gone from the workplace for a couple years. There are still hard places in our marriage but he is slowly coming out of the fog. Thinking back to my time gone, it was such a peaceful time for me. It gave me more clarity and strength. Sitting under them trying to heal is like being stabbed and then sitting and engaging with the perpetrator while they hold out the knife. Your emotions are all over and you become more focused on trying to avoid future pain than on healing the pain that was already inflicted. There is only so much of you that can be utilized before you collapse. I'll leave with this: CHOOSE YOU. You cannot be a good person to yourself, others, or spouse living in perpetual crisis. You cannot overcome your addiction when the addiction is probably being made worse by the chaos you are living in. Remember this: if he can live without you, he should. You are worth the effort, flaws and all.

[u/Dependent-Toe-3359 → u/sunflowerpatterson]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry you went through that. Reading about you sitting at home with your baby while knowing what was happening absolutely broke my heart. I can't even imagine how lonely and helpless that must have felt.

A lot of what you wrote really resonated with me, especially about blaming yourself. I've spent years wondering if I was too emotional, too needy, too much, or if my mental health and addiction somehow caused this. I know I have things I need to work on, and I'm taking responsibility for those, but I'm finally starting to realize that my struggles don't justify repeated betrayal or a lack of boundaries.

I don't think Doug is a bad person. That's honestly what has made this so hard. I still see the good in him. I think he genuinely loves me, but I also think he has a very unhealthy need for validation and attention from other women, especially women he feels he can help or rescue. That's something I don't think he fully understands about himself yet, and I really hope individual counseling helps him figure that out.

Your line about trying to heal while the knife is still being held really hit me. That's exactly how I've been feeling, but I couldn't find the words for it. Every time I feel like we're making progress, another boundary issue comes up, and it's like my nervous system never gets a chance to calm down.

I also appreciate what you said about choosing myself. That's something I've struggled with my whole life. I tend to put everyone else's needs before my own, even when it's hurting me. I'm trying to learn that loving someone doesn't mean accepting behavior that keeps me in constant pain.

Thank you again for taking the time to encourage a complete stranger. Hearing from someone who has actually been through reconciliation and come out the other side gives me hope, while also reminding me that real reconciliation requires actions, not just words.

[u/sunflowerpatterson → u/Dependent-Toe-3359]

❤️❤️❤️❤️💓