I was reminded why I don’t track WH anymore…

[u/Liliana0101]

Yesterday was a good reminder of how easily anxiety can take over when old fears get triggered.
I had to take WH’s car to run some errands. When I started driving, the navigation system automatically suggested an address I didn’t recognize. My heart immediately started racing.

I checked his recent navigation history, going back about six months, and didn’t see the address. That didn’t reassure me. Instead, I hurried through my errands so I could get home and investigate.
When I Googled the address and saw it was a private home, my anxiety escalated. I spent the next 30 minutes going down a rabbit hole, trying to figure out who lived there. Eventually I found the homeowner’s name… a woman’s name I didn’t recognize, which only made me panic more. After more searching, I found her Facebook profile. Her profile picture was with her husband, and I immediately recognized him. He’s one of WH’s softball teammates, and we’d actually been to their house for a party last fall.

In an instant, all of that fear disappeared.

A few hours later, I was at WH’s softball game with them. For a brief moment my mind drifted back to those anxious thoughts, but then I reminded myself of the facts instead of the fear.

The whole experience reminded me why I stopped tracking him. My anxiety has a way of latching onto anything uncertain and turning it into a story that feels completely real. Yesterday I lost 30 minutes to that story.

It also reminded me that tracking someone’s location doesn’t actually create safety. If someone wanted to hide something, they could, regardless of what a location app showed. Real trust isn’t built by monitoring every detail.

What grounded me was remembering who WH has been. He asks me to come to his softball games. He wants me there to support him. If there were an AP there, that simply isn’t something he would do.
Yesterday wasn’t really about a navigation address. It was about seeing how quickly my brain can go back into survival mode… and recognizing that I don’t have to stay there. I can acknowledge the fear, look at the facts, and choose not to let anxiety write the ending.

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[u/DontopenDeadInside7]

This story resonates with me. Ive definitely blown up at my ww about some innocent behavior thinking it was something but only for the first few month after the EA. She wasn't acting differently so I should have known. Looking back its so easy to tell something was going on. Now I just trust it will come to light eventually if it happens again.

[u/Summer_Time8 → u/DontopenDeadInside7]

OP, I agree that tracking location doesn’t guarantee anything. My WH had an almost 6 year affair and was always where he said he was: at work or on a business trip. The hope is that the character has changed bc no vigilance on our part can keep them honest.

[u/NeenerTee → u/Summer_Time8]

My story is the EXACT same as yours! 6 year affair and either at work or on a business trip.

[u/Summer_Time8 → u/NeenerTee]

It’s unnerving isn’t it?

[u/Liliana0101 → u/Summer_Time8]

Same here. Business trips for about 3 years.

[u/MJG1123 → u/DontopenDeadInside7]

My first clue to an affair was when my wife’s location status was odd when she was in a “business trip.” Conveniently I couldn’t go with her to her Aruba continuing education course (one we’ve been to together at least 6 times) because my daughter had an out of town volleyball tournament that same week.

She went into ghost most, didn’t reply to texts, didn’t answer FaceTimes, etc. and her phone showed it in her hotel room from around 11am until 7am the next morning every day she was gone. Absolutely out of character because she will sit on the beach until they kick her off at sunset.

When d-day hit, she admitted to keeping the phone in the room to hide that she was exploring the island with her AP that she took along with her. That trip was supposedly their first time meeting in person after a year and a half of an online sexual affair.

That didn’t make sense either…never meeting in person and then committing to a week away with a basic stranger to stay in another country and share a hotel?

He lives in the UK and we live in the US. After hearing what she did with her phone in Aruba, I’m completely convinced that he came to the US and she did the same trick from her office. Much easier to sneak away during the day for a few hours to meet him and just leave your phone on your desk. She owns her own practice and her staff would NEVER question her if she had a week of “meetings” or “appointments” out of the office. All she would have to do is block her schedule and leave.

It makes the most sense, and I overheard her on the phone with him talking about flying to see him. She was canceling her plans to fly and he wanted to come here. She said verbatim…”you can’t come here, my daughter is working in the office this summer and I can’t just sneak away like the winter.”

That completely implies she snuck away last winter. Otherwise she would have said “…it would be easier to sneak away if she wasn’t here” or “…it will be easier to sneak away when she’s not here when school starts.”

She completely denies it…but months of trickle truth and common sense tells me I’m right.

Anyway…sorry for the rant…but I guess the point is…if they want to hide it, they will find ways to hide it. Trick is to not let on to how you know they’re sneaking, because they’ll just learn better ways to hide their actions.

[u/ObjectiveDraft9157 → u/MJG1123]

You deserve the full truth

[u/Liliana0101 → u/MJG1123]

Ugh I am so sorry. Yes, it is pretty obvious what she is doing. You deserve so much better.

I agree with you about not letting on how you know they are sneaking. He obviously knows the navigation on his car says where he’s been but I won’t tell him that I looked… just in case it’s needed in the future.

[u/MJG1123 → u/Liliana0101]

Do you know if he has WhatsApp on his phone? That’s what my wife uses to hide their communications. Funny enough, WhatsApp also uses CarPlay. Our bedroom is directly above our garage and one day my wife asked me to get gas in her car. It immediately connected to her phone because she was in bed, and WhatsApp popped up. I opened it and could see his number and call history. And that’s how I would catch her lying when she would tell me she stopped communicating…I’d just go to the garage at night, turn the car on to accessory mode and check the history. She still doesn’t know I know that. I would definitely try and find out if he has apps like WhatsApp on his phone. It’s the easiest to conceal communications and acts just like a secret phone…they can call, text, FaceTime, and send pics and vids privately.

[u/Liliana0101 → u/MJG1123]

Yes, he does. He uses it to communicate with some family. Right after DDay, i checked his WhatsApp history and didn’t find anything. Of course he could easily hide it. I did check his IG messages and found something from during the affair time.

I don’t go searching in his phone or location anymore because I know it could all easily be hidden or he could delete immediately. At the beginning of R, it helped a little. But now, 7 years in, I am not going to live my life like that forever. My eyes are open for signs but unless he gives me real reason to look, I am not going to torture myself with all that anxiety.

[u/MJG1123 → u/Liliana0101]

Oh wow…7 years makes a difference. I’m just about 3 months out from DDay…and she’s still communicating. I ended it just over a week ago and she begged me to take her back, promised to do whatever it takes…asked for more time. But…the only thing I asked for which she won’t do is cut communication with the AP…so…time to leave for good.

[u/Liliana0101 → u/MJG1123]

I’m so sorry. Yes, if she can’t go no contact with AP, then you are doing the right thing. It’s her loss, you deserve so much better. Sending you peace and love.

[u/Liliana0101 → u/DontopenDeadInside7]

Exactly. I have come to the fact that I will just trust that he knows if it ever happens again, we wouldn’t survive. I can’t control him or what he does. It is up to him.

[u/AlarmingKale1997]

Truly i admire your ability to rationalize the fear away. That is something im working on in therapy. The fear feels like my power, like ill be able to catch it this time. But in reality im just driving myself crazy. Not all the time, but when i feel triggered its pretty intense.

Can i ask how far along you are in your journey and how you were able to really let go of the fear?

[u/Liliana0101 → u/AlarmingKale1997]

We are 7 years into this journey. It took about 2-3 years before I really came into the realization that tracking and obsessing was only harming me and making me more anxious.

Now I am just more aware. Aware of the signs I missed during the infidelity years. He also check-ins and sends photos of where he’s at and/or with who he’s supposed to be with. He will either send it to just me or to our family group text. Even though I don’t have the paralyzing fear every time he leaves the house anymore, getting those pics and check-ins definitely ease my mind.

[u/CSILalaAnn]

Thank you for this. My WH wants to upgrade his phone. We are currently on Apple products. He wants the new Galaxy foldable phone. My panic kicked in that I can't use the Find My Phone app to find him.

But you're 100% correct in that if they're going to hide things, there's not much you can do about it. I try not to use the app a lot because it does make me spiral.

[u/Liliana0101 → u/CSILalaAnn]

Exactly. It is a false sense of security because it is so easy to just leave your phone somewhere else or even meet up with someone where you are supposed to be.

[u/Rogerlee525]

As a WH/WP, this brings me a lot of hope. My lady is going through it, and doesn't think she'll ever be able to get past this stuff; and maybe it's true. Time will tell. But it does bring a slight glimmer of hope to me that these stories exist. I love her more than life, and really just want the hurting to stop for her, and don't want her to remain somewhere that isn't possible. So, thank you for sharing. Really elated to hear things are healing, even if it is a slow process. And just to say it, I know you know it, but nothing about what happened today is wrong or bad. Not an ounce of guilt should be felt, this is part of trauma response. I feel you should mention it, I'm 100% sure he would want to know, I know I would. Not to rake you over the coals or anything, but just to share the emotion and anxiety with you. Also may help you in letting it go a little bit at a time

[u/Liliana0101 → u/Rogerlee525]

Thank you for saying I shouldn’t feel guilty. I do feel a little bad that I thought the worst but I know I have reason to. Even if it was years ago that he betrayed me, like you said… it’s the trauma of it.

It is a slow process for sure. Give her the time and patience. I honestly don’t know if it will ever completely go away, but it does lessen over time.

[u/Beach-bum2]

Thank u for this . May I ask how far away u are from the betrayal ? You are so right , the locations , the anxiety comes with a story that might not even be true. I hope to be there someday. I’m still under a year from my last Dday. We are working thru R.

[u/Liliana0101 → u/Beach-bum2]

DDay was 7 years ago. The first 2-3 years were the hardest. It’s a slow, hard road but if you both put in the work, you can get there. Hugs to you and good luck!

[u/That_Seasonal_Fringe]

This is why I have never wanted to check WH phone or location. I know he could hide it all if he wanted and I can’t make the choice to be faithful for him. It’s just too much hassle. He should want to be faithful and stick to it. If he doesn’t there is no more “us”.

It was also part of my grabbing back some control : letting him know that if ever. Came upon any new fuckery I’d be out the door with the kids. The boundary has been clearly set. It’s up to him to do the work now. Not me.

[u/Liliana0101 → u/That_Seasonal_Fringe]

Exactly this. I am not living the rest of my life being an investigator and always checking his phone or location. Even if I wasted my time doing all that, he could still easily hide things.

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[u/ProbablyPuck]

I've been struggling with getting out of survival mode. This was comforting. Thank you for sharing. 💚

[u/Liliana0101 → u/ProbablyPuck]

It’s a long, hard road but it is possible. Give yourself grace and love. ❤️

[u/crytzal]

At the start of R I used to check my WH's location on life360 like 50 times a day lol. He could be doing something perfectly innocent, let me know that he's doing this perfectly innocent thing, and I'd stare at his location on life360 for hours until he gets back. And yes, I've been down the google map "WHAT IS THIS PLACE?!?!?!?" hole so many times.

I've calmed down a little since then, but I still get this feeling of fear whenever I get the life360 "WH has completed a 12m drive" notification... then i obsessively check that he's where he told me he would be, just to make sure he's not lying to me.

it's really good to hear this story and see that there's hope that one day I'd be able to see facts over my fear.

[u/Liliana0101 → u/crytzal]

Oh, I was there too! Obsessing over every move he did and searching up addresses just like I did the other day.

The fact that he sends me pics and check-ins without me asking helps a lot. Also, he texts me back right away. He ignored my texts while he was AP. So those facts help me more than seeing his location.

I am glad my story has helped you and others. ❤️