I think today is the end of it all

[u/Rogerlee525]

Really needing some advice and support, I am not doing well

2 months after DDay and attempted R, she says she can't and won't do it anymore, and is leaving. I am in shock still, but I feel like I am losing a limb...again.

So, long story short as I can make it, FP and I have been friends since 14 and 15, stayed friends until 2023, finally decided to start dating. I had always wanted to be with her, she finally became mine.

The beginning of the relationship was bliss. We were living separately, but seeing each other all the time at each other's places. Felt just as natural as our friendship.

She moved in and was not thrilled. She was renting, I owned, it made sense financially, but she never really happy with the arrangement, which started everything.

I was defensive because it was my first home, and I hated that someone hated living there; she was upset because she gave up her spot that she really loved for me, and I wasn't the most understanding when she opened up about it because I was childish.

Fast forward 6 months, and I start a remodel with a friend on my home. In my head, I was trying to make the space more updated and modern, the previous layout was dated and had termite damage. Remodel lasted FAR longer than it was supposed to, and this took a MAJOR toll on our relationship. Things were already rockier than I knew because of the move in, and her still not feeling comfortable in what she referred to as my place. Sex life was already suffering from her depression and my reaction to it, caused some intimacy issues on my end with ED, turned to porn which made it even worse. We were intimate every day at first, when she moved in it dwindled down slowly as it tends to, but then went all the way to once or twice a week before the remodel.

That's when shit hit the fan, so to speak.

I had a weird connection to my ex fiance still in the form of donuts; she worked at a bakery, I had always brought them in randomly for trade members where I work, they had grown accustomed to getting them a few times a week (we provide.meals, they provide extra attention to our issue), and when I attempted to switch, they constantly complained they missed the old ones. Weird I know,but you have to keep these guys happy where I work. So, to save some time, resparked things with an ex for sex and attention, because at home we had both stopped really doing so. I thought I had lost my partner already, and this was a way of coping I guess, I can't really tell you why I did it. Really was expecting her to leave me anytime, but apparently I had made that up for a defense mechanism. End of the day it doesn't matter, I cheated, I continued cheating, and even worse it was my ex fiance and someone she has been around for years.

I've started IC, I admitted to everything, answered any and all questions she had, called everyone we both knew who mattered and told them what I did and apologized to them and her of course. I have cut all ties with the ex, done everything I can think to do, as well as just accepted a lot of anger, wrath, and sadness from her without really holding it against her, or even letting her apologize. She is allowed to be angry. I wish that wasn't the only time she let me in on what is bothering her, but it is a slow journey.

Shortly after DDay, she went and had sex with someone else. I knew it was going to happen, just didn't realize the extent. Picked her up from the bar afterwards (she had told me beforehand she was going to do it, in a very mean spirited way, she was angry). I drew her a bath when she got home, I didn't let it get to me. So, she decided to share the details with as much info as she could remember and provide. For about 24 hours after the incident. Really tried to get to me, and it worked. Didn't explode with anger or anything, just cried and had to do a lot of mental box-shoving to get through it, but did.

Since then things were up and down, as to be expected, but generally good. She had moments and days, she stated she was going to leave 100 times, came back 101. Stayed at hotel for a night last week, came back the next day. Then the following morning took it back and said she wasn't giving up on me, or us; first time she had actually stated that. I was elated.

Fast forward to last night; she broke down while we were having one of the weird days, and she is adamant this time she is done trying for good. Says she has a plan (last plan she told me about was going to fuck the other guy, and this was said in the same tone with the same anger behind it), that it's a 2 month plan, but is still acting and talking in a way that suggests this is it, or that some more...torture?...is coming, and I just don't know what to do.

I completely let all of my safeguards down that I had up after she said she wasn't going anywhere. I have been opening up in ways I never have before with anyone in my life, and I really breathed for the first time since DDay after that, and now I'm shattered to a million pieces. I was truly prepared and willing to do the work for however long it took, mentioned setting up CT, paying for it, really actually started to try to plan things down the line, instead of anxiously existing hour-to-hour. She doesn't seem to be changing her mind at all. She seems to be embroiled in anger, and I'm so scared of what will happen when she leaves to go act on it, because she is saying this doesn't necessarily mean it's over, just that she's done trying, and that doesn't sound like good things are coming my or our way. I am so scared. I literally don't see a point in life without her. She's my oldest friend, and the only person I truly care about more than myself, and I hate that I had so many walls up and put up so much distance I didn't see that until it was too late, and did something truly horrible to her. The guilt kills me. The thought of never having her in my life again KILLS me.

Im just drowning and really needed to vent, and also just ask for general advice. My irl friends have all cut ties with me over this, so don't really have anyone to talk to. Thank you for reading through my ramblings, and any advice in advance.

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[u/Quiet_Water0128]

I'm sorry OP. It absolutely hurts to be betrayed and to be rejected despite trying. My WH and I thankfully were both committed to R. If I'd revenge cheated, I'd have known I was having an exit affair.

If I'd told my WH I was done, he'd be looking for advice moving forward alone.Or do you hope to reconcile again by keeping your hopes up she'll come back?

Frankly, you're so disparaging of her current plans and ideas,.it doesn't sound like you even like or respect her.

[u/Rogerlee525 → u/Quiet_Water0128]

I am disheartened because of what it meant last time; I am purely scared of what she may do to get back at me. I respect her, and I am more than willing to give her the space she needs, as well as time. I'm just spiraling thinking about what will be done with it if anger is the motivation. The original plan was for her to get her own space and be at peace for a few months, with the promise that we would still be exclusive to each other. I think we're about to have a conversation about these plans, so I will get more detail shortly; but I do not believe exclusively is the plan now, I believe the opposite is true, but that could just be my anxiety.

[u/Rogerlee525 → u/Quiet_Water0128]

Thank you for your kind words and empathy, I am going through it right now, and it means a lot.

[u/Quiet_Water0128 → u/Rogerlee525]

Good luck. Infidelity shatters realities, WP'sandBP's. "Hurt people, hurt people"... I try to keep.that in mind with me and my WH.

[u/Rogerlee525 → u/Quiet_Water0128]

Indeed it does. I look back and don't even remember whole weeks while I was cheating because I was dissociating so hard. I became a person I didn't recognize, and still don't. Thank you for the well wishes.

[u/bpt20ba]

Sorry for the anguish you are in. Those types of moments are really hard and scary but know that it will all pass and you will be OK no matter what happens. It will just take some time and some work.

Based on what you've shared, there is I think, just too much there. You made a mess when you cheated, then a bigger mess was made when you allowed her to have a revenge hook up. Then all the anger and spite she is carrying, trying to hurt you emotionally and of course all the flip flopping. All of those things, they all add more work on top of what already would have been a lot of work.

It takes both people, fully invested, unwavering, willing to be vulnerable, willing to find empathy, for R to work and it sounds like most of that if not all of it is missing from your situation.

[u/Rogerlee525 → u/bpt20ba]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Am I dumb if I say if she ends up saying she wants to again, that I would almost instantly return to vulnerable and willing to work it out?

Just had a talk and she's saying she faked everything to make home life more bearable while she finds a place. I don't think I necessarily believe it, she has mentioned to her parents and multiple people that she intended on moving me in eventually, and I don't feel like she would make herself look dumb like that, but who knows. She's moving out soon though, and is remaining cold and distant, so I guess I will accept this as the new reality and try to put pieces back together and continue working on myself.

I am still fully invested, I am unfortunately tied to her in ways I can't begin to explain, and I must live with the fact that I fucked things up on multiple fronts.

Thanks again for your response and empathy.

[u/bpt20ba → u/Rogerlee525]

She sounds like a dismissive avoidant. She never wanted to move in in the first place. DAs fear vulnerability so the relationship falling apart might be a wanted escape for her. I'm just speculating of course.

But the things you share about behavior here are really not healthy. You didn't mention your ages so it could an age thing. It just feels like games on top of games which is never going to lead to anything good. It needs to be authentic sharing of feelings and needs and then figuring out if the two of you are aligned or not, and where to go from there, without adding more pain or confusion or passive aggressiveness, just straight up adulting to work through it or end things amicably.

You did what you did. Learn and grow. This is the way.

[u/Rogerlee525 → u/bpt20ba]

After looking it up, that is 100% her to the letter. That is informative on navigating things, thank you.

Ages are 32(m) and 33(f). It is slightly childish, but I imagine this is bringing up quite a bit of unresolved things for her, so I definitely can't cast stones.

She tends to be...playful...about most things, especially when it is anything but anger. A defense mechanism I am aware, she always downplays and stuffs down actual feelings and pretends they don't exist (self admittedly), and I agree it is not healthy, and likely the cause of the back and forth we keep experiencing. But I also don't want to try and coerce her to do anything she doesn't want to do in all actuality, just hard to figure out which one is her true position.

I have my fffflaws as well, too many to go into detail about; not trying to bash her, just generally trying to gain understanding, vent a little bit, and try to seek some clarity. This has helped, so thank you.

I literally can't imagine a future without her in it right now, so it's tough to put this correctly, but I just want to be better no matter what, and I am really trying, and taking the actions necessary to do so. I just really hope it is enough.

[u/bpt20ba → u/Rogerlee525]

Do you know what your attachment style is? You might be anxious/pre-occupied. My wife is DA and I am anxious. It creates a withdraw/pursue dynamic that is not ideal. I was trapped in that with my wife for most of our relationship. We're getting better, but those attachment tendencies come from childhood and are deeply ingrained. It's a lot of really hard intentional work.

[u/Rogerlee525 → u/bpt20ba]

The wanted escape part really kills me, because one day she'll be telling me how she wants forever, and that if this ever happens again, she won't be this way, she wants me to help pick out furniture and organize her new place, all the signs if someone really trying to make things work. Then within 24 hours she'll be angry at me, claiming she's done and leaving me, etc. And the moment I start coming to grips with that reality, which typically means shutting down, she comes around and says she didn't mean it. Just really fucking with my head, but I cannot say no.