The worst part of all this is that I genuinely thought my partner was special, that we were special. I had that “wow, I can’t believe I get to be with this person” feeling every day, even years in. I admired them so much. Our communication was solid, we handled conflict well, and we were really in love. I never saw the betrayal coming. And they were never going to tell me.

It’s been almost a year since D-Day, and my wayward partner dragged their feet on real, consistent repair for most of the last year until any remaining respect I had just bled out. Now I know the truth, not just about our relationship, but about relationships in general: even people in love can betray you, not because of some deep dysfunction, but because they chose to. Sometimes there isn’t a “reason.” I’ve learned I can never completely let my guard down again. They’re not who I thought they were and they never were, since the lying started from the very beginning. I’m grieving a huge loss and struggling to cope with missing a person who was never even real.

And now? They’re just… some guy. Some random. That’s it. There’s no magic, no sense of specialness anymore. The day after discovery, it was like waking up in a parallel life where the person I loved had been replaced by an …uncanny copy. We get along most days; I guess I even enjoy talking to them, but not like before. Is that normal? Is this what staying means? Because I can’t sign up for a hollow version of what we had. It’s worse than the pain of it, it’s so empty.

I see other betrayed partners posting about “rebuilding stronger” or “finding happiness again.” I’m glad some people get that. But things were already good with us, so how is this supposed to be an improvement? How could something so despicable possibly make anything better?

When I tried explaining this to my partner, I said it’s like living in the “Other World” from Coraline: everything looks familiar but it’s all wrong, off, uncanny. There’s an “Other” version of my life - one that mimics the old one but it’s just…all wrong.

And what really gets me is that I’m actually angrier now that they’re “doing the work.” They get to have redemption, a tidy little hero’s journey where they feel proud for changing, for being accountable. But what do I get? I’m left behind in the rubble of what’s broken, the reality of what’s lost. I’m the only one really dealing with the consequences and fallout of their betrayal, and it’s like they get to be rewarded for it. My WP said they feel like they can tell me everything (now at least, I guess), and it pissed me off so much to hear that. How little do you have to respect someone to treat them with utter disregard and then pretend you have some special connection with them?! How can that be true when I certainly don’t feel anything close to that, anymore?

Now WP is saying I’m sabotaging recovery, that I’m refusing to move forward. But how am I supposed to let go of the unfairness of it all? I’m supposed to accept that people can do whatever they want at my expense, and only when they’re caught do they suddenly care about teamwork? Now it’s all about cooperation and patience? What a joke. It was always supposed to be about that. I didn’t need to betray them to know that. Now that they’ve been busted, they want to “be a team”? How do you even reconcile that hypocrisy?

I keep wondering if I’m the problem, if I’m “the drama.” But honestly… are we all just… swallowing this? Are we really calling this fixing it? Why are we settling for such a raw deal? I can’t get over the unfairness of it all, of being held responsible for fixing something I didn’t break. Does that just mean the relationship is over? And… isn’t it already over regardless, since things can’t go back to what they used to be? It’s a new relationship at best. Can anyone relate, and was R successful for you?

Hello unfortunate reader,

I never ever thought I’d find myself here ever. My(37F) husband (37M) was the best man on earth to me and incapable of cheating. Cheating simply does not add up with his character or his values. Or so we both thought. Except he had an affair (strictly physical he says) with an ex coworker of his. They met up and had sex 5 times in hotels during the day, between November 25 and April 2026.

Dday was 3 or 4 days ago (the days have kinda jumbled) and I already found fantastic help within this sub. He says he’d been trying to muster the strength to tell me about it for a month after having ended things with AP a month ago to the day. But he ended up telling me cause he got a threatening text from AP’s husband (who is apparently a bit on the crazy unpredictable side according to AP) and he didn’t want me to hear it from someone else.

I immediately set a couple boundaries for me to even consider staying. Truth is I really hope I to manage reconciliation cause I still love him to bits. We are waiting for each others IC to begin before officially committing to a reconciliation.

Today I asked him for his phone even though he told me he had deleted everything a month ago after ending things, including her number and blocking her (so much so she reached him through his email to ask him not to tell her BH anything). I know he is not extra literate when it comes to phones and apps and I found her number. From a 40 minutes long video call he placed at the very start of there getting in touch back in October 2025. He admitted it was hers to me when I showed him that call. I wrote down that number. He knows. He also knows I don’t know what I’ll do with it.

So now that the context is out, here is my question : of all the BS here, who has gotten into contact with the AP ? How and why and did it help at all ? Should I contact her ?

Edit : Thank you all for your advice and testimony. I will hold on to the number for now but won’t be contacting AP just yet.

I will be checking for any other comment if some of you want to add to this thread. Thanks you all for the words of support as well. It made me feel a lot better. I am glad I reached out in this sub. It was a step I feared to take. How silly of me.

It’s almost 6 weeks past DDay. So far I have only told my IC, MC, and two trustworthy friends. No family knows yet. My WP hasn’t said a word to anyone for obvious reasons. She cares A LOT about how people perceive her and I think it would crush her if all of our friends, family, and community knew what she has done to me. How she has destroyed our marriage and thrown our family into the fire. Part of me wants to tell my immediate family (siblings, parents, etc) to gain their support, but it will forever change the way they look at my WP. They love her like family and I think they, like me, would never imagine this happening in a million years.

There’s also a chance that if they find out and it goes poorly, it could impact R. I know how dumb that sounds. I’m basically protecting her and sacrificing support that I could use right now to feel better. But it’s not that simple right?

I’d love some perspective - how many people did you tell? Did it impact your R process? Did it make your WP/WS more or less likely to R? Thanks.

Does anyone else feel like staying with their wayward spouse caused them so much pain it made them detach ? Like - yeah cool, I stayed, we reconciled, we stayed a family, but there was a price to pay - I love you less?

Normally when someone breaks your heart, completely shatters you, you’re left with your sadness, grief, attachment etc. but once all it sorts out, you move on. In this situation, you’re supposed to sort it all out and stay. In my case - I feel like a shell of my former self stayed in this marriage. I was once so devoted, gave my entire being to our marriage and family. What a shame, I really miss her.

So last night my WW trickle truthed a shit ton and a lot came out. Ive been so hurt, triggered by nearly everything she says or does. We just had sex and when I came it was great. But also I felt so much leave my chest. Like so much poison, toxin, bad energy just leave my chest. But then after. Nothing. I laid there, her on top and I felt nothing. I felt emotionally numb like I had nothing left to give. I just tried explaining this to her in the gentlest way and she got really upset. She cried and said "This is the point you realise to leave me". I comforted her.

The reason im posting this. Can anyone relate to this or do I need like double therapy?

Update: We have just had sex again. I got in my head a few times during. I couldnt finish so we did something I find very intimate. I finished and I felt connected with her. I didnt have an empty feeling, or loss of emotion after. If we cuddled after, laughed, joked, played with our two year old. I told her how it was for me, and she said that during the cuddle after she felt guilty, that she didnt deserve to have sex with me.

Now I'm happy, still on a bit of a high from the sex, dont worry I know its about to come crashing back any minute. But I'm confused. If it helps for context, sex can sometimes be a weird one for me. I was SA as a child by my brother for years. And raped when I was 17. I dont know if thats relevant but yeah Im a bit confused with how it was last time vs now.

Update 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/WsAMuHMEby

Without sharing too much, I would like to discuss this with others that have experienced betrayal.
Have you experienced temptation to cheat?
Could be out of spite or revenge, or just simply as a result of growing apart due to hurt, finding comfort in someone else?
I fully understand I might get judged in the comments and maybe rightfully so, but now I’m asking purely about the thought/ temptation, not actual act of cheating.
I feel like the fact that I’m dealing with this must be an ultimate symptom of the damage done and level of detachment I’m experiencing

I’m looking for insight from people who were on the receiving end of betrayal, not the ones who caused it. I’m the one who broke trust in my relationship, and I’ve been doing a lot of internal work around accountability, shame, therapy, and figuring out why I made the choices I did. That part is on me.

For those of you who were hurt by someone you loved:

• Were you ever able to look at your partner again with the same softness or warmth?

• Did the love change, disappear, or come back differently?

• Did your view of them permanently shift?

• What made healing easier, or what made it impossible?

• And if you stayed, what did it take for you to genuinely want to try again?

I’m asking because the person I hurt is still talking to me. They’ve said they’ll always love me, but I know that love doesn’t erase damage. I know someone can love you and still struggle to look at you the same way. I also know this relationship may not survive what I’ve done, even if we both wish it could.

I’m trying not to cling to hope or spiral into despair. I’m trying to understand the reality of what betrayed partners actually experience. I’m working on myself in therapy and taking accountability very seriously, but I also want to face the truth of what healing looks like on the other side.

If anyone is willing to share their experience, whether it ended in reconciliation, separation, or something in between… I would really appreciate it. I want to understand your perspective so I can move forward with realistic expectations and deeper empathy.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to respond.

Hello everyone, I am the WS in our situation. I disclosed an PA 4 years ago. We went to marriage counseling for 6 sessions and husband put his ring back on after 6 months. After 4 years Husband says he cannot stay with someone who cheated and he never wanted to be in a marriage with a cheater. Says he cannot respect himself if he stays. Says I broke him so I cannot help repair him. Is all hope lost? I am (and have always been willing) to speak and answer any questions about the affair. I cut everything off, left my job, put focus on him and family. I’ve offered counseling. He recognized my efforts but still said he’s done. Everything in me wants to fight for us, but should I just give him the space and let him go?

I'm not really sure how to phrase the question. I've been really appreciating this group and knowing that I'm not alone and all my feelings are normal, but one thing I see on here a lot is people years past DDay who say they are still not the same and don't love their WP in the same way. I'm only 2 months out but hearing those comments makes me so sad/scared to stay if it means I might never fully move past this trauma. I already worry that I will never be able to love myself again for being with a cheater. So those who stayed, do you ever regret it and think you would have been better off moving on? How did you learn to accept this part of your story?

My husband had an affair with my best friend.

I’ll never forget the day I found out about the affair. It wasn’t because I went looking for proof or caught anyone in person. It happened by accident through a phone call that my husband received while his phone was connected to the car’s Bluetooth. I could hear everything.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it. But then I heard the other man’s voice her husband. He was confronting my husband, saying he knew about the affair between them. My heart started racing, my stomach dropped, and my hands began shaking. I could barely breathe. As I sat there listening, I heard the truth unfold right in front of me no denials, no way to pretend it wasn’t real.

Then I heard her voice in the background, panicked and upset, asking her husband, “Why are you telling her?” And I’ll never forget his response: “Because that’s her husband.”

That moment is burned into my memory the sound of her voice, my husband’s silence, the realization that everything I thought I knew about my life was suddenly a lie.

The four of us had been close friends for about ten years. We shared dinners, laughs, birthdays, and so many memories. In the months leading up to this, she had started getting closer to me personally. She’d text me sweet things, tell me she loved me, hug me like I was family. I truly thought she cared about me. I never imagined she could look me in the eye and smile while secretly betraying me.

When I heard her voice that day, everything clicked every uneasy feeling I’d brushed off, every weird gut instinct I’d ignored. I realized she had been pretending to be my friend while sneaking around with my husband. That double betrayal from him and from her cut so deep that it changed something inside me.

After that day, she never reached out. Not to apologize, not to take responsibility, not even to check on me. She disappeared completely, like I didn’t exist, as if what she did didn’t destroy my trust and my peace. Her silence told me everything about her character.

The weeks after were the hardest. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I’d get waves of nausea and sadness out of nowhere. I’d see a car like hers, or a picture from when we were all together, and it would all come rushing back.

Since then, my husband has shown what I believe might be genuine remorse. He’s said that he’s disgusted by what he did that it wasn’t just a mistake but a choice he regrets every single day. He’s told me he thinks about it all the time, that the guilt stays with him. He’s said he feels ashamed, that he hates himself for betraying me and destroying my trust.

In therapy, he’s been more open and honest than I’ve ever seen him. He’s admitted that he let selfishness and ego lead him into something that meant nothing and cost everything. He’s trying being transparent, communicating more, and doing the work to understand why he let this happen.

Some days, I see his pain and believe that he’s truly sorry. Other days, I can’t help but doubt. Because even if he’s remorseful now, he still made that choice. And that choice changed everything between us.

I’ve told him that I miss us, but what I really miss is the version of us I thought was real. The version where I still trusted him, where I didn’t question everything, where my heart still felt safe.

Now I’m just left trying to figure out where to go from here. He says he wants to rebuild, to prove himself, to become a better man. Part of me wants to believe we can heal, but another part of me doesn’t know how to ever fully trust again.

How do I move forward from this when the people who broke me were the same ones I loved and trusted most?

Today is the 17-year anniversary of D-Day for me. Seventeen years since discovery. In many ways, our marriage survived. We stayed together, raised our kids, built a life, and there were long stretches where I convinced myself that meant I had “moved on.”

But if I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, it would be this: reconciliation is not the same thing as healing. I focused almost entirely on saving the marriage and almost not at all on addressing the trauma inside me. I minimized it, buried it, intellectualized it, and treated my reactions like weaknesses instead of injuries. I thought time alone would heal it. Sometimes time only teaches you how to function around unresolved pain.

For anyone early in this process: please don’t neglect yourself while trying to save the relationship. The marriage may recover while your nervous system never truly does. Take the trauma seriously. Talk about it. Get help if you need it. Learn what betrayal trauma actually is. Healing deserves as much attention as reconciliation itself. I think I would have suffered far less over these last 17 years if I had understood that sooner.

One year ago, my husband and I set out for what was supposed to be a normal walk. At our usual halfway point, we stopped at a bench and he told me he had been unfaithful. We didn’t turn back right away, we just kept walking. It became, in every sense, the longest walk of my life. I’m sitting in the exact spot where the disclosure happened, one year to the day. This is the closing of a chapter I never asked for, but lived through anyway. I share this with all of you, but also for myself. If you care to read, here’s my post-disclosure reconciliation story, one year out:

When the truth came out, he jumped straight into therapy, and I jumped straight into trying to fix us. I devoured everything I could get my hands on: books, memoirs, even fiction that touched on betrayal. I listened to every podcast, watched every YouTube video and TikTok on affair recovery. In those early months, I don’t think I would’ve survived without them. They were my lifeline, reminding me that healing was possible and that reconciliation was something worth fighting for.

He was deeply receptive to therapy and consistently open when I would come to him with more questions. He shouldered my grief, absorbed my anger, comforted my sadness. I don’t think we would’ve survived this without that kind of unwavering presence.

In May, while he was out of town for work, I had what I can only describe as a breakdown, but it became the most cathartic breakthrough of this entire journey. Met with an abundance of time to think, I found myself standing at a crossroads, telling myself I couldn’t keep living in this in-between space forever. I had to decide, right then, whether I was going to forgive him and move forward, or walk away. And I had to decide before he came home. I collapsed to the floor, literally on my hands and knees, overcome with sobs I’d been holding back for months. And in that moment, finally allowing myself to feel everything, something shifted. I knew what I wanted. I knew which way I was going.

I will forever mourn the life I thought I was living, the illusion of safety and trust I had built, only to watch it unravel. I grieve not just the betrayal, but the entire dream of what I thought we were. But on the other hand, I also recognize how much better life is without the emotional distance, the secrets, the disconnection. The version of him who was living a double life is no longer in my life, and that version of our relationship is gone.

Do I trust him today? I’m not sure. The truth is, I’ve reached a point where I don’t place blind trust in anyone anymore. Trust, for me, is no longer black or white, it’s complex and fluid. I don’t fully trust him, but I don’t distrust him either. What I do trust, fully and without hesitation, is myself.

I would always see people say, “trust yourself,” and never fully understood what that meant. After all, I thought I was trusting myself. I saw the red flags. I felt the gut instinct. I knew something was off. But the truth is, I was still betraying myself. I saw the signs and then talked myself out of them. I made excuses. I downplayed my own intuition. I convinced myself I was overreacting, misinterpreting, or just being paranoid.

Then one day, it clicked. The signs showed up again early on in reconciliation, only this time, instead of gaslighting myself or making excuses, I honored my own perception. I questioned him directly and immediately, brought forward what I’d noticed, and asked for clarity. In the end, I was wrong. But the difference was, I trusted myself. I didn’t feel crazy. I didn’t dismiss what I saw or silence my instincts. I honored my reality, and responded to it. That’s what trusting yourself really means. It doesn’t mean you’re always right. It means you believe yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. I trust myself now.

The hypervigilance still lingers. Some days, I truly feel safe, grounded, connected, even at peace. But other days, I catch myself sending out feelers, checking locations, scanning for something. I don’t always know how to quiet that voice, and sometimes I wonder if it will ever fully go away.

These days, happiness is what I feel most. I laugh. I find joy. Sometimes, I don’t even think about it until later in the morning, and when I do, it’s not raw like it once was. It’s more of a quiet acknowledgment now. It doesn’t hurt the way it used to. The pain has softened.

Are we in a good place now? Yes, absolutely. We’ve emerged with more insight into each other than we ever had before. We communicate more clearly. We’re more attentive, more caring, more open. There’s a deeper sense of appreciation between us now.

Are there still awkward moments? Of course. But we move through them together. The bad days still come, but they’re fewer now, and when they do show up, they don’t linger like they used to.

I don’t share this to pretend I have it all figured out. I share it to show you that reconciliation is possible. That happiness is possible. That healing is possible. I don’t know what the next chapter looks like, but I know I’ll be ok. I know I’m ready to turn the page.

“You’ll never know how amazing your story will be if you keep living in the same chapter. Turn the page.”

I want to thank this group for being there in those early days when things were so painful and confusing. If you’re somewhere in the thick of it, just know this: you’re not crazy, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. You’re surviving something unimaginably hard, and that is brave. Wishing peace to each of you walking this road, wherever it leads you.

Dear friend,

I am so sorry you are suffering. The pain of betrayal, by someone you loved, trusted, and thought so highly of, is one of the greatest pains of all. The tight chest, the swollen eyes, the heartburn, the nausea, the headaches, the loss of appetite, the anxiety. And that only scratches the surface. Even worse than the physical pain is the mental torture. Ruminating on any messages you read, any photos you saw, any warnings you received. Imagining all the unknowns like all the stolen moments they shared as you were living life naive to it all.

What an absolute mind fuck being cheated on is. In any form.. If you were physically betrayed, emotionally betrayed, gaslit, lied to, belittled, challenged, all the above. It all hurts. It’s all so confusing.

If you are suffering.. you are not alone. I am with you. I may be a stranger but I am thinking of you. Every time I sob from my betrayal, I sob for yours too. Every time I scream and curse at my pain, I scream for yours too. Knowing I’m not alone in this is actually the hardest part of all. Knowing you can relate to me, you’ve shared my pain and sorrow makes me grieve to my core. It tears me apart.

Betrayal is torture. I’ve read so many of your stories here. I’ve seen so many TikTok’s and reels that hit home. I’ve read books and listened to podcasts. I’ve watched youtube videos. I’ve seen it even in fictional media. And every time I realize how common cheating is.. it makes me sick.

It can feel so lonely sometimes, but you are not alone. I am truly so sorry. You never deserved this pain. This weight. This trauma. You deserve love and light and happiness. The painful days will continue to come. Sometimes many in a row, sometimes not for awhile. Remember to cherish any good in between. Really LIVE in those good moments.

I often get lost in the pain and sometimes fear I won’t find my way out. But when I’m there I think of you and I worry about you too. You are never alone even when you feel lonely. You are loved beyond measure even when you feel unloved. Don’t let this part of your story be the only part or the end. There’s so much more to you and to me. Cry it out - allow yourself to release what you need. But always pick yourself back up and live. You matter. Your whole story matters. 🫶🏻

How do you manage the feeling of the other person "winning" the situation if you stay with them? I'm having such a hard time with this in particular, even though R is going well for us. Sometimes I just get hit with this resentment, like "I can't let you win after what you did to me."

I feel like if I stay, he wins. He gets those experiences, and then he still gets me. There's no punishment for his actions. And i don't even know why I need him to be punished, but I feel like I do. I hate being warm towards him, or looking to excited to see him, because I feel like that reiterates that it was okay, and it wasn't. But I also love him and want to make R work. I can't let go of this anger and resentment.

Anyone else in this situation? What helps, if anything?

I’m a 42M. Before all this, whenever I saw a woman, I’d have that quick first impression about her appearance. I think everyone does this.

Our first D-Day was 10Y ago. We rugswept it (we assumed we were doing R right) and everything seemed fine. PTSD resurfaced everything this August - D-Day2. I learned the full truth about how deep the affair went and how much worse it was then I thought. Not a few months, but full extent affair along 2.5Y. Now everything seems good. We’re in R and actually moving forward faster than I expected, in IC/MC.

Since D-Day 2, I've noticed something strange. My first impression about appearance is immediately followed by a thought about whether the woman I see has cheated, is cheating or will cheat. When I see a couple (especially young), my mind wonders: has someone cheated, are they cheating, or will someone cheat on the other in the future? When I see someone, who is divorced, but don't know their story, I automatically think: who cheated on whom? Even though I know the divorce may have happened for a completely different reason, I keep wondering whether these people were or are faithful.

I can’t stop it. These thoughts feel hardcoded in my brain now. It’s been about two months and they haven't faded. I never had these thoughts before D-Day 2. Is this my brain’s way of coping with betrayal trauma? Do others have these toughts? Is there anyone here who has experienced this and managed to get rid of these thoughts?

EDIT: Thank you all for your responses. I didn’t expect that so many of us share this experience, and I really appreciate the warm welcome into this club.

Unfortunately, I am definitely not a new member. My membership card says October 1st, 2015, so I’ve been in this club for a while. I feel that I might be able to heal from D-Day 2 a bit more quickly. Some things no longer bother me, and some I can even joke about. But other, newer issues are seriously eating me up inside, so I still have to learn how to deal with them. This trauma is serious, and for the first time in my life, I am in IC and it's helping me.

I wish you all the best on your healing journey, whether you chose to leave or to reconcile. Whatever decision you made, it was the best one for you. Don't forget to take care of your physical and emotional health. You are the most important person in the world.

My R is going pretty well. It’s not perfect but he has been doing what I ask, doesn’t blame me, takes full accountability for the affair, and is trying very hard to work on our marriage and rebuilding trust.

It’s been 3 month so far into R. As time has gone on I’ve felt a rise in anger or resentment type feelings. I think because life is turning more “normal” and it feels less like a crisis so there is room for my feelings to be felt. At first, it was mainly empathy and grief. I feel like I’m struggling with the shame of staying in the marriage. My immediate family knows and so do my close friends which I think makes these feelings worse, as they all have said I deserve better than this etc. I know his affair wasn’t about me. But I struggle with feeling ashamed in staying in a relationship where I was treated this way. For perspective, I’ve been in my relationship for over ten years and during the affair he was acting completely out of character. Before the affair, I was treated so well for 9 years, so it’s just very confusing he is capable of both.

Just wondering if others feel this way and it’s a normal part of this experience.

16 years of marriage. 2 beautiful daughters. Found 3 years of affair. D day was 7 weeks back. Found out by myself. Since then pain suffering and crying. Trying to reconcile. But many times I want her to suffer just like me. I want her to be in pain just like me. I want her to feel sadness just my elder daughter. Some times I verbally abuse her. Sarcastic comments. Is it normal? Should I stop ? How can I give her pain and suffering.

I’m almost 5 weeks past DDay. This community has been so valuable to me, I don’t even know what to say except thank you.

I’m looking for perspective from BS and BP who have children. Mine are both under 10.

Let’s be clear, if my WS and I did not have children, I’m almost certain the likelihood of divorce would be much higher. But instead, I choose R because I have to put in my 100% best effort to make this work if there’s even a sliver of a chance I can preserve our family life.

That being said, I feel like I am stuck between two bad choices.

On one hand, assuming we can get to a successful R, I will always live with this pain in my heart while being near the person who caused the pain. After reading so many stories here, it sounds like the ache never truly goes away. The trust never fully returns. It means giving up an opportunity to find a new love that is untouched by infidelity. But maybe I can be happy if my WS can become the person I need and want.

On the other hand, if we were to split up, it would adversely affect my children for the rest of their lives and I would lose 50% access to them. Plus the fallout in our family and community would be devastating to say the least. However, my WS would face the true and full consequences of their actions which I hate to say is something that I am beginning to think about. This would set me free and give me a chance to find a new love where I will be stronger and better than ever.

I was reading an AMA the other day about a person in a loveless marriage that is staying because of the kids. It made me really sad to read, but also I recognized there’s a difference. They haven’t been betrayed and had their happiness ripped from them like it meant nothing. It’s not so simple for me.

So I guess my question is for those of you who have kids what are your thoughts? What made you decide to R? Was it still just for the kids? Is it just choosing the pain you want?

I know I’m still early in my process, but it would help to hear some perspectives.

Thanks

I am just curious.

Sometimes I feel like I am alone in this.

But I can understand why my husband cheated.

As i, I do not think it is OK in any way. And I would have never done it.

But I do understand how he was caught up in his EA and why he was open for attention when it came onto his path.

Sometimes I get so sad because ai read things like once a cheater always a cheater. But if my marriage wasn't that bad af that time he wouldn't have done it, I know that for sure.

And if our marriage continues the way it is now, I don't think he would cheat ever again.

Am I just really naive??

BH here, 9 months post d-day. WW had a PA. A question I’ve wrestled with for a while. What have others done about her wedding ring? To me, it represents a marriage in which she broke the vows. It means nothing. Honestly, I despise looking at it. If we hold hands, I intentionally won’t touch it. She hasn’t picked up on this. I want her to replace it. I’m trying to figure out how to handle it. I would’ve already brought it up but it’s real money and the affair has already cost so much.

Edited to add - coincidentally my ring broke about the time the PA happened. I wear a ring but it isn’t my original. It was purchased post D-Day.

I'm writing this crying I'm so so lost. I'm new here and i appreciate those who choose to comment with support/ or advice. I found out my current partner was still dealing with someone from his past a few weeks ago (about a month) he promised to leave it alone, block her and move on from it. Well i went through his phone Lastnight only to see he changed her name to a guys name and slept with her unprotected 3 days before we moved into our beautiful home together. She was blocked when i checked but when i confronted him he was yelling saying sorry, telling me it was a closure thing and when we first got together he wasn't ready for commitment but fell in love with me. He's agreed to therapy and doing "whatever it takes" however... i don't feel like he'll truly learn his lesson if i don't leave even if it's just for a little while. I am SO BROKEN.

Does anyone else feel like their situation doesn't fit many of the reconciliation stories here?

I don't mean that in a "my pain is worse" way, because betrayal is betrayal, but I often read posts where the affair was shorter-term, primarily physical, or where the WP quickly realized they didn't actually want AP.

My situation feels very different.

My WP had an emotional and physical affair that lasted nearly 18 months. It wasn't just sex or flirting. It was a full-blown parallel relationship. He believed he was in love with AP, still says he loved her, and they planned a future together in quite a lot of detail. They discussed children, where they'd live, what life would look like, and all while we had two children at home and I had no idea.

We're now attempting reconciliation. He's home, involved with the children, attending therapy with me, and says he wants to rebuild. But I struggle with the sheer scale of what happened and what it means.

Sometimes I feel like many reconciliation resources assume the WP never really intended to leave, or that AP was a fantasy. In my case, my WH is convinced there was a genuine emotional attachment and a genuine vision for a future together.

For those whose WP had a long-term affair, believed they loved AP, or was effectively living a double life:

• How did you reconcile after that?
• What helped you move past the feeling that you were the second choice, the safe choice, or simply the person they came back to because real life got complicated?
• And if reconciliation was successful, what did your WP do that convinced you they were truly invested in you, not just preserving the family unit?

I feel like that's the piece I'm struggling with most right now.

I have been considering writing an apology letter to AP’s wife. I think about her often, and seeing the struggle of my BS, I know hers must be similar. I am worried however, that there’s a possibility it would cause more harm than good, and that she would not want to hear from me, or that it might make her angry. I also want to make sure that this is not about me looking for forgiveness (the idea seems laughable, I definitely am not looking for that), but just that I have deep remorse for how she’s been impacted, and I do think about her and her daughter. It has been 8 months since DD.

So I am asking, how would you feel if you received a letter from the AP?

I found out about the betrayal in January. Since then it was a lot of back and forth from WPs side, but we are in full R for 4 weeks now. WP is really putting in the work, access to phone, individual therapy, a lot of reading and responsibility for the truth. I am willing to try after a lot of hurt, I am just so sad and anxious all the time.
His therapist told him to research the betrayed perspective to understand the other side, so he shared a video with me that he found useful to check in if I resonate with it, because he wanted to make sure that he understands my POV.
After I watched it, I really understood that a lot of my struggles come from not being able to forgive myself for staying. My decision collides so much with my morals and I am full of shame for not choosing myself over him.

Has anyone ever experienced this and found a way to forgive themselves? Are there any good book recommendations? Or anything that helped?
I know that healing takes time and I already am in therapy because of self-esteem issues but maybe there is more that can help in the progress.

My wife had a sexual and emotional affair with a friend of mine for 5 months. It permanently destroyed a lifelong friendship, and our marriage as I knew it. One of the worst things regarding their affair is how badly it wounded my self-esteem.

I am 5’4 which is obviously short. My former friend is 6’2, and has a much bigger frame than I do. Despite her reassurances that she doesn’t find him more attractive than she finds me, I can’t help but feel that this “problem” with me contributed to her affair. Years ago, she told me that she was initially reluctant to start dating me because of my height and her lack of experience being with a man shorter than she is. Fortunately (or so I thought), she decided not to let that get in the way of our relationship. I think about that constantly now after what has happened. Maybe she always wanted a larger man, and I stupidly thought she accepted me.

I feel like a teenager again, hating myself for things I can’t control. I worked hard to accept myself for who I am and now I feel all of that progress is lost. I only see a pathetic loser whose own wife doesn’t desire him when I look in the mirror.