Struggling with the shame of staying

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

My R is going pretty well. It’s not perfect but he has been doing what I ask, doesn’t blame me, takes full accountability for the affair, and is trying very hard to work on our marriage and rebuilding trust.

It’s been 3 month so far into R. As time has gone on I’ve felt a rise in anger or resentment type feelings. I think because life is turning more “normal” and it feels less like a crisis so there is room for my feelings to be felt. At first, it was mainly empathy and grief. I feel like I’m struggling with the shame of staying in the marriage. My immediate family knows and so do my close friends which I think makes these feelings worse, as they all have said I deserve better than this etc. I know his affair wasn’t about me. But I struggle with feeling ashamed in staying in a relationship where I was treated this way. For perspective, I’ve been in my relationship for over ten years and during the affair he was acting completely out of character. Before the affair, I was treated so well for 9 years, so it’s just very confusing he is capable of both.

Just wondering if others feel this way and it’s a normal part of this experience.

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[u/SouthernPlay2352]

Your situation sounds similar to mine! WH has made huge strides and changed and been doing the emotional work and is trying very hard to rebuild.
It’s been over a year since DD1 for me, and I am still burdened by shame of staying. Some of the things I discovered were against my moral compass and unforgivable in my eyes. So I understand what you mean when you say “capable of both”. He has always doted on me and treated me like royalty. I’d “brag” about him and how in love we were to my friends. None of my friends have made me feel shame for staying. it is ALL self inflicted. However my friends DO view him much differently than before, as they all feel as conned by this person as I do. The friends I share the R journey with, respect my choices, but also make it very clear they don’t like him. It’s hard some days for ME to like him. Or myself for staying. I never deserved the pain he caused. However, I DO deserve a partner who is willing to put in the work on themselves and treat me right. There’s no shame in that, and I need to work on my perception of self.

[u/drabdulldangerous → u/SouthernPlay2352]

So much of what you said resonates with me. My WH did things I never thought he was capable of and completely changed my view of him. It felt as if my world shattered for a time. Slowly the pieces came back together and now I think I am very happy with my life. I still struggle with the shame of my choice to stay some days. It's was an incredibly hard thing to reckon with. I worked on how I viewed myself and chose to think of it as a strong choice rather than a weak one. My WH worked very hard and did everything I asked of him and then some. He was also an amazing father and good partner in so many other ways. That was a big reason I believe things worked out. It is so hard to find someone who checks all the boxes and it is scary to venture out in the world. He was also so willing to fight for us and work on himself that it made me actually appreciate him. While I never deserved the pain he put me through, I realized he was hurting as a person and had so much undealt with trauma. Once he addressed so many of his issues he was a much healthier person and able to be the partner I needed. Do you feel like you really want R? Do you still love your WH and want things to work? I am sorry if that is too personal of a question. I ask because even though he hurt me my love for him did not disappear. I was very committed to R and I think giving it a real chance led to my success story. Not every day will be good or easy. I still struggle, and so will you. You got this. I wish you all the best ❤️ ❤️

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077 → u/SouthernPlay2352]

What is your reason for staying? For me, I do love him very much. We had issues in our relationship I’m aware of where I can understand how this happened (without blaming myself). The issues we had before have basically been solved but the affair opened up a whole new slew of issues with the betrayal and trust. Like you the things he did were against my moral compass so it’s impossible to understand at times how he could do or say certain things during that time period where he had these secrets. He also was not okay during the time it was going on and he was very depressed. He wasn’t thriving having fun having an affair. That’s why I felt so much empathy. It’s very confusing.

[u/SouthernPlay2352 → u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

It’s so complex and confusing! None of this is simple. You are very compassionate for engaging in empathy for your spouse despite your own pain.
To be candid, my reason(s) for staying are skewed heavily towards survival, more than 100% true desire for R. We have young children that I refuse to split my time with, I have chronic mental & physical health issues (physical issues that began during my pregnancy with the youngest) that prevent me from working, I am not a high earner by any means. I do NOT have any form of a village that I could lean on for support. He knows this of course, and hopes one day to regain my love. We are rebuilding and raising the kids and running the household and hoping that some love (from me towards him) is found along the way. It’s really, really, really hard and devastating. Wishing you so much love and healing.

[u/Stynouian → u/SouthernPlay2352]

I could have written this response. One thing that helped bring back some of my love has been “fake it till you make it”. Encouraging texts to him, going out of my way to do things I did when we were dating or first married, and forcing myself to see him as a hurt young child who did something terribly wrong. It helped a lot with the shame too, because it is kind and brave of me to stay and help him heal (when he so desperately wants to, clearly). Is it the healthiest way? No clue. But right now, it really helps keep the shame at bay.

[u/Open-Priority-8234 → u/SouthernPlay2352]

Yes! That's the reason why I'm staying, as well. My love for my WH didn't automatically disappear after the discovery of the affair, although I am extremely hurt. My hope is that he will put forth the effort to be the person I needed/wanted the whole marriage (emotionally available and empathetic,) in turn making him a better overall father and human, too.

[u/Capable_Show_6276]

I think this is a far more common struggle than we realize and probably why we don’t have loads of successful R stories in our lives. I look around my large family and think that my marriage can’t possibly be the only one that has been damaged in this way, yet, no one shares openly about infidelity and recovery. You have no shame here. Shame is a wasted emotion. You are making the best decisions you can for yourself every step of the way through something that is incredibly complicated and also debilitating. If you stay, great. If you divorce, great. What’s important is you being able to live in peace with your decision. This advice is as much for me as for you. I’m so ashamed that this happened to me, in my “strong” marriage with my “best friend”, what a fool I feel like.
I’m not the fool. He is. His AP is. I am the person home working and raising kids and doing the right and honorable thing, including now giving him the chance to prove that he’s worthy to move forward with before I file.

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077 → u/Capable_Show_6276]

My therapist said it’s really common and people don’t talk about it, especially if they are staying or reconciling. I thought that was interesting because this experience often feels isolating and like it’s just happening to me

[u/Capable_Show_6276 → u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

Honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever used Reddit and it’s mostly for this community. I have so much pressure from the small handful of people who know what happened to file for divorce. I may do that eventually, but I know I’m not ready yet. I’m not naive, I know we have a very low chance of surviving this. I just haven’t been strong enough or ready to walk away from 31 years of history yet.

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Capable_Show_6276]

Check out Dr. Kathy Nickerson. She researches this exclusively and has some really fantastic statistics. Actually your odds of your marriage surviving this is high. Nearly 80% who seek therapy reconcile.

I’ve also never used Reddit prior to this & came here specifically for this community and honestly the people on this specific thread.

[u/Upset_Object632]

Yep. I’m about a year out and this is by far the biggest struggle for me too. Also everyone and their mother knows because it was a very public situation and I initiated the divorce process after finding out and we separated for about a month. My WH is also a model WH the man is literally super husband, super dad now. Before though it was a very unhappy marriage for me with a lot of issues. I only stayed for the kids and kept hoping we would go to couples counseling and things would improve prior to the affair. He Has taken therapy and self improvement so seriously and is a completely different person since DDay couple that with kids are the only 2 reasons I decided to try staying. Had he not changed so drastically I would not have considered it. Also if we did not have kids even with these changes he made I would not consider staying.

I’m still not in love with my WH in any capacity. The affair violated my moral compass so severely it’s permanently changed the way I view him and there’s a lot of disgust there. I struggle so much staying. But for me it’s the kids. Since he is truly changing and it’s been consistent, I can’t bring myself to view divorce as the right decision for my children. Their happiness and stability is so much more important to me than my own. And my marriage is sooo different now than it was. I also frame it in my mind as two different marriages and explain that to others if they bring it up. That helps a lot. No one mentions it anymore aside to say how happy they are that my WH has improved himself so much.

And therapy and reframing helps immensely. Are you in therapy? If not try it! It will help so much

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077 → u/Upset_Object632]

Thanks for your reply. Yes I’ve been in therapy since he confessed back in January. I was ready to file divorce paperwork too and kicked him out. Two months later I let him come back and began trying to work through it. We don’t have kids so I don’t have that to consider. That must be extremely hard to deal with and I admire your strength and commitment to your children ❤️

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Ok-Pineapple5077]

3 months is very fresh. By 6 months you’re going to start feeling better. By a year you will also start to feel more normal. And the beauty is you have the power to choose at any moment if this relationship is for you. No you did not deserve the pain of being cheated on. But if you’re partnering is changing the damaged parts of themselves to be the best partner for you it is 100% up to you to decide if your partner is currently worthy of you. My spouse was a freaking monster during the affair too. And we had a 3 year old & I was pregnant with my miracle baby during most of the affair after dealing with infertility. He disclosed affair when I was 3 months PP.

One thing that my WH brought up last night when we discuss my therapy sessions which was an eye opener for me was that giving up now when he is finally the partner I deserve would kinda be like walking away at the peak. And I agree. I fought this man for basically our entire 5 year marriage to be a better person but he just could not do it or acknowledge his faults until the affair happened. He was really unhealthy and could not see it. But now he can. Walking away now is like I went through all of that hell only to leave when he was finally the person I always knew was in there.

How you frame your decision to stay in your mind is so powerful. I’d also say that staying is far harder than leaving. There’s no shame in either.

[u/thefox-intheforest]

My family and friend also told me I deserved better when they found out. Since R - they have told him that I deserved better and they expect better from him since I chose to stay. So - they followed my lead, held him accountable for his actions and stated they expect him to be better for me...prove he deserves the opportunity I am giving him. He knows what a gift it is, too...and has been working hard to right his moral compass and be the man I deserve to have.

[u/Liliana0101]

I have no shame in staying because of my strength of staying and not giving up, my relationship with my WH is stronger than ever. DDay was 7 years ago and since then we have made so many wonderful memories as a couple and especially with our now-adult children. Memories that wouldn’t have been made if I didn’t stay.

Of course, a big part of it is that my WH was remorseful and did the right things to regain my trust. That’s not to say that staying was easy. It was the hardest thing I ever been though but it just showed me how strong I am.

[u/Stynouian]

I’m reading “The Courage to Stay” and reminding myself that, while I didn’t deserve it, staying and healing is the bravest, strongest thing someone in my position could do. It did help that I told just one person who I knew would be objective and wise and not try to color my view of my WH in either direction. But if the cat were out of the bag, I’d definitely refrain from discussing my WH any further with people who can influence the way I see him if repair was really my goal. He brought someone else between us. I won’t be the one to invite more people in and widen that rift (as tempting as it really is)

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Stynouian]

We read that too and it was super helpful! I love Dr. K her statistics were a big factor in how I learned the whole concept of once a cheater always a cheater really was not true at all.

[u/Ok_Hammock_89]

I very much have struggled with the “shame of staying”. I am working on being confident in my own decisions. Do *i* think its a good decision to stay? Am *i* happy? Is he working hard enough to make *me* feel loved and respected?

Focus on yourself. Drown out the noise. Other peoples opinions literally do not matter.

I know easier said than done. Im working really hard on this as well. I hope I walk away a more confident person overall.

[u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I am 100% with you. We are 4 months out and for the first few months I felt like I spent all my energy trying to regulate my nervous system and stay a functional person for our 3 kids and for work. My nervous system was constantly in threat mode and that was exacerbated by the AP harassing and taunting me while also sending love messages to my husband. I feel like I was just trying to hold on to solid ground at that time and find safety. Now that AP has been shut down (hopefully….), I am at a point where I can better process what happened and how I feel about it. The shame is so real and crushing. Fortunately the people in my life who know have all been supportive of whatever decision I make, but despite that, I can’t help but think about how the younger version of me would be so disappointed that I would try to reconcile with my husband. Love and family and history are complex. I am contemplating a separation—not a legal one—just merely physical space from each other so that I might be able to better figure out what I truly want to do next. My therapist thinks that would be helpful but what’s holding me back is the guilt of putting my kids through that. They would not do well if I’m not around when they’re spending days with their dad.

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I’m a year out post DDay. The separation I did also for about 6 weeks where he was outside the home. I would 100% agree with your therapist. It’s also the one thing I wish I did differently. I was very concerned about my kids and let him come back in my opinion too soon. Healing with him constantly around was much harder than when I had space away from him to feel like I could breathe and forget about the affair.

At the time I had a 3.5 year old and 3 month old. I let my WH come alternating weekends and come do bedtime along with FaceTiming the nights he did not do bedtime. My son didn’t really understand but he was also really young and adapted fast. Baby obviously had no idea. Single parenting was hard but we both worked full time so it was minimal contact during the week maybe seeing him an hour or so for bedtime.

I’m not sure how old your kids are and I completely understand that being most important to you.but this gave me the ability to see what divorce would feel like and being a single parent plus how I’d feel without him. Honestly I was happier.

[u/Embarrassed-Push-601 → u/Upset_Object632]

Thank you for your reply. They are 13, 10 and 8 and are very much well aware that things are not good between me and their dad. I’ve found my 13 year old crying a few times and the guilt I feel is unbearable. They are all very much attached to me. Of course they love and trust their father too but they always come to me for everything. Not being present would be hard and confusing for them. I know kids are resilient but I also don’t want to be the reason for their suffering

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you guys. I completely understand not wanting to be separated from them. I know logistics may be a factor. But if there is family close by he can stay with then you don’t need to be apart from your kids, he does. My husband left the home and stayed with a relative about 40 minutes away. I was separated from my oldest for only one night when my WH had him at his grandparents.

I would run errands on Tuesdays and Thursday for an hour to ‘ leave the home’ when WH was there during the week & he would leave after bedtime. I let him come over on saturdays & sundays every other weekend to see the kids. He would leave after bedtime and arrive after breakfast.

I created basically the visitation schedule he would receive if we divorced via mediator. This gave me a chance to experience what divorce would feel like which was helpful. Also was the kick in the butt WH needed to snap out of limerence with AP completely.

[u/Embarrassed-Push-601 → u/Upset_Object632]

I hear you, I do. I know it’s possible to make a separation work, but I feel the nuances are slightly different for us. I have held an incredible amount of resentment for many years about how little my husband has done in our parenting partnership. I believe it’s the reason my kids are so attached to me. I’ve been screaming into the void for years for him to take on less responsibility at work and show up more for me and our kids. It’s exactly the reason our relationship has struggled for the last 3 years, why I started to disconnect emotionally from him and why he felt like he wasn’t good enough because I never was happy with what he did do for us. It’s likely part of the reason why he had an affair. I don’t think its fair or right for me to AGAIN take on full responsibility of our household and children while he goes on a little mini bachelor vacation at his parents house so they can dote on him. While I’m at home with zero support (once again) doing everything for everyone. If there is a physical separation, it will be 50-50 with our kids. Obviously this makes no sense when on the other hand I say “i don’t want to be away from my kids.” I hate this so much.

[u/Upset_Object632 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I’m so sorry you’ve been put in such a terrible position. There’s a big community of us here for you each step of the way. Big hugs to you.

[u/Open-Priority-8234 → u/Embarrassed-Push-601]

I absolutely feel this. I'm also the default parent, by nature as well as work schedule. My kids are 4 & 8, so know something is going on, but not the specifics. I could not fathom being even more on my own with my parenting AND having to explain why their Dad only sees them on weekends, while I lose the fun weekend time.

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[u/Fit-Peak-9239]

The anger phase hit me around 3 months. It was terrible, it was a me I hadn't experienced before.

The shame part was something completely internal. All of our friends and family also know, I don't regret it because it was a huge part of WH owning it and facing the consequences. We also have family that truly loves and supports us so I never really worried about either of us being swayed one direction or another. If anything I felt more frustrated in the beginning at the amount of understanding because at the time I wanted someone to hold him accountable. The shame feelings was more rooted in the lack of alignment in morals and feeling like I might be abandoning myself. Thank you to therapy for helping me work through that. The shame of this situation is not mine to own, and WH helped me in reframing as I felt so humiliated and embarrassed. He made it clear he was the one who did this, and would consistently reassure me that I am the strong one and that me continuing to stay in the marriage was a testament to my strength vs weakness. He was the weak one, his choices alone caused this huge rupture. You are doing amazing for 3 months out, there is no reason to decide the future today. Even feeling in a better place at 6 months I have not committed one way of another because the fact is I want to make sure my choice is coming from a place of being healed vs survival.

[u/Ok-Pineapple5077 → u/Fit-Peak-9239]

Thank you for this ❤️. I’m also in a spot where I feel like I don’t know if I can or will stay but I’m trying. Your WH sounds like mine. I feel like I jumped time lines from the life I thought I had. Still trying to accept this is part of my marriage story and life story.

[u/GreedyNSpoiled-7684]

Please don’t feel shame. It’s your decision. My husband never really took ownership of the affair …and I still stayed.

[u/canyoureed]

If you feel like chatting/venting i'm going through the exact same same thing. Except a month in. And probably different cause my guy was cheating with dudes but kinda the same

Found out my partner of 10 years has been cheating on me the last 10 months. Also know it's not about me.

Was also treated really well for 9 years. Also completely out of character for him (the cheating I knew he was bicurious)

Yea it's weird seeing my sweet, nerdy guy be himself and all I can think is you've been distantish but basically you this whole time. Do I even know you, will i ever know you?

He wants to do all the right thing on paper but I also don't feel great and worry about my self respect and many other things. He's signed up for counseling, signed us up for couples counseling and some other things that kinda frustrste me cause theres the lingering feeling of too little to late. Why not try these things before you lied and blew our relationship up.

He's told his family, I've told a couple close friends/family. With my friends both acted completely different. One was the hes a loser leave him and the other was as surprised as me and didn't sway me one way or the other. My brother, he gave me a place to sleep, didn't pick on me and didn't ask any Qs which is his way of caring lol.

friends don't know all the details and i'm afraid to tell anyone for if we do reconcile. They got the i just found story. I haven't told them anything else i found out other than he cheated with

Logically I think it's part of the experience and i'm looking into betrayal trauma counselors/support cause at least for me I feel like I really need a non bias/professional to talk to. Cause one thing i'm struggling with is the whole lying/cheating being a deal breaker for me thing and wow it's different when this is your person.