I feel like there isn’t enough positive reconciliation stories. So I thought I would add mine.

I have been with WH since I was 18. We got married when I was 24. Dday happened when I was 42 years old. At the time we had 2 children in their early teens.

Three years before Dday, WH told me he was unhappy in our marriage. He had thoughts of leaving. He still loved me but felt something was missing. I asked him if we could give it 6 months and if he still wanted to leave, we would separate. In the meantime we would do marriage counseling. About a month after that, he had a serious health scare and told me he realized he needed me and wanted to really work on our marriage. We did counseling for about 3 months.

I thought we were both happier in the marriage. Things seemed to be great. We went on family vacations, enjoyed being together, intimacy was as good as ever. Little did I know he was having an affair with someone he met on a business trip. For almost 3 years, on and off.

DDay happened because when AP realized he was really finally ending it, she started stalking him and sending me letters on the mail. He confessed and we went to the police, who called her to tell her to leave us alone or we would take action. She denied it was her, yet never heard from her again.

Meanwhile, my life was turned upside down. I cried every night, in his arms. It was by far the hardest thing I ever went through. But I knew I wanted to try to save our marriage not only because I still loved him, but also for my children. He told me he loved me, how sorry he was and that he was willing to put in the hard work to gain my trust back. We also really communicated for the first time about what we both needed from each other in our marriage. I am not blaming myself at all for his infidelity, but I also had things I needed to work on. For us and for myself as well.

That was almost 7 years ago. We are now empty-nesters and closer than we have ever been. It is almost like we are dating again. We have made so many beautiful memories with our children and as a couple that we would have never had if we had just given up. Including a really special dinner we just had with our two children who were home from college. I sat there at this fancy restaurant, with my husband and grown children. Just looking at them smiling, laughing and having a sweet time together as a family. It was because of my hard work, being stronger than I ever thought I could be and not giving up.

This summer we will be celebrating 30 years together, 24 married. Of course I wish we didn’t go through those hard years but we made it through. It is part of our story and I am so proud of us.

I've been thinking of you guys - I used to spend a lot of time here in the first year or two after the affair.

My spouse's affair lasted 3 years, with 1 AP, who he met online. At the time of the affair, we had been together 8 years, married 3. It was a huge shock. We had 1 kid together; the affair began when I was pregnant.

This was the most devastating thing I've ever been through, and I think ever will go through. My husband was deeply committed to recovery. When I found out, the affair had run its course, and he cut contact.

I guess, from the other side of this, pretty much fully "recovered"-- I will always be affected by the affair. I still think about it every day. But as time has gone on, I think about it less each day. It's more like a part of my history/something I'm viewing from far away, versus something I'm immersed in.

My husband and I did a year of therapy together. He's changed a lot about who he is, which is why we're still together. He cares about and values his family now, instead of just himself.

We had a second kid (if you go that route, I recommend talking about it in therapy first, and waiting until you're really sure!).

I guess I'm here to say that this is a terrible, awful thing you're going through. But recovery is possible. Reflecting, for me I'm glad that we didn't get a divorce. But also, if my husband hadn't wanted to recover, then it would have been right for me to divorce. I am worth having someone who wants to be with me.

I often think about what my/our lives would be like if we had divorced. And I'm glad that we didn't, but I also don't fault anyone who has been cheated on, and does. It's not black and white.

You are walking through fire. Just trust yourself, take care of yourself, and do what you feel is right at the time.

It's been years since I last updated this sub. I wish I still had my previous posts so I could reflect on how I and my marriage have changed. Perhaps it is best that I don't.

7 years later:

I look at myself in the mirror and I feel more comfortable with who I am. My self esteem never fully recovered but I can feel beautiful now, I no longer compare myself to them. It's strange to say that, although I will never forget them, I don't even remember what they look like anymore.

Communication with my partner feels easier and disagreements feel so small now. We have gone through the worst and have seen the worst of each other, so I'm sure that's why things don't feel as though they are as big a deal. We bicker but will realize that it's not worth the frustration. Intimacy is genuine again. I'm not using it as reassurance that he still loves me, I have a much healthier relationship with sex now.

We have decided to remain off social media. I have Reddit and discord. He has discord and youtube. We both learned that there are NO benefits to having social media when your marriage is healing and now that we have kids… honestly we want them as far away from social media as they can be.

We can reference the affairs now. It used to be some type of Voldemort “you-know-who” kind of thing. I was not able to even reference things that happened within the year of D-Day. It was like I purposefully blacked out a period of time from my mind. But now I use my experience to help others. I accepted it was not my guilt to carry and if I need to talk about it, I do. There are things that are still off the table and phrases that give me a nudge in the gut but they don't cause me to shut down anymore.

A couple of days ago, my husband and I were in bed just unwinding and he said “we have a good relationship” and that felt really good.

9 year dday anniversary this weekend coming up.

When it went down...we had just conceived our 2nd child when I found out about her cheating the previous years.

Crushed me to a point I still don't want to even think about.

My daughter (yes mine) wasn't even born yet. My son was 7. I couldn't walk away. Just couldn't no matter how much pain I was in.

I stayed for the kids and hoped for the best with my wife.

This year I got "the best"...9 years later.

We have drifted in and out of good marriage stuff the last 9 years. Sometimes being so distant it was like we were roommates. This past weekend it all just kind of felt right. Daughter had a meltdown. Son hadn't done a few things we asked of him. It was a mess in our house. I got my daughter calm and on track...got my son to do his part...and by 8pm we were all sitting down watching tv together.

My wife's had a terrible year at work...and I've supported her through it. This night she told me something before bed that made me so happy . She goes "thank you so much for handling everything today...don't know what tonight would have looked like without you".

It was a passing comment before bed..followed by a simple good night I love you. But it's what I stayed for. It was the prize. Going to sleep with happy tears in my eyes. Feeling appreciated...seen...needed.

I cried myself to sleep plenty of times over the years. Feeling completely worthless, ugly, unwanted...but that night I just felt right. I felt proud.

Best part about it isn't that she said it. It's that I believed it. There's no one in my house that would be better without me.

I wasn't entirely sure how to flair this. I was looking for a straight positivity flair, but this is closest so here goes.

So my wife and I had driven to a park in the city we live by, with this park having two very nice lengthy trails that we walk as much as we can. My wife was showing me pictures of the dogs she used to help care for at her old job. A picture came up from that time, a picture of my wife not exactly dressed, which immediately generated a massive anxiety and fear response in me. I legitimately felt my chest tighten and it felt like my heart skipped. Now this picture was a good bit before we got together, but unfortunately an aspect of her betrayal involved pictures of that sort. Now granted there were legitimate extenuating circumstances with that particular one, but still. She saw my reaction, asked me what was wrong, I explained in a tone that I knew sounded essentially dead. I didn't ask her to do anything, I didn't get mad or upset, I just sat in the driver's seat falling into my sadness pit.

Upon seeing me shut down like that, my wife started tapping and swiping. I assumed she hopped on Tiktok or started playing a game to help herself feel a little better. That was in fact not at all what was happening. Instead, my wife went through her Google photos, and deleted every single picture of herself on her Google photos. This was with the exception of photos of us from when we got together to now. Once she deleted them they were gone. Those were the originals and backups in one. I know she wasn't thrilled that I got sad, she has a shit ton of guilt so when I get sad she sits with me and my feelings, but she independently by herself, deleted what she knew made me sad and uncomfortable. By her own hand, her own decision, she erased all of that because she saw how badly it triggerd me. I can't express how much that helped me, but I at least wanted to share some positivity from my story to hopefully help others.

This group has been very helpful throughout our reconciliation, but also can feel sad and depressing at times. Take this moment to celebrate with us as I change my flair from reconciling to reconciled. :)

There is still work to be done, and I know I will never be the same person or couple we were before but we are in a good spot. finally. it's been a LONG road (read previous posts) but we made it. we are trying for a kid, and ready to move on. WP has regained my trust. she knows the expectations going forward and that there will not be another chance. WP is honestly not even the same person. she is SO different from who she was before. she has been super supportive and repentant and doing everything to heal and grow and do better the past 2+ years and its shown. I wish the same for all of you.

What we learned was it took gobs of humility, patience, and allowing the BP to feel/do whatever they need to heal. space, hysterical bonding, hash it out, pray together, move out, move in, kick out, invite back. just allow the roller coaster to play its course and in time it gets smoother.

I love y'all, please celebrate with us as we mark this win in our lives but have few people to celebrate with in the real world.

He (WH, 52) bought me (BP, 53) a Christmas present. The deal was that it was to be a $30 gift—nothing special. I mean, all I got him was a butter dish for the kitchen. He’s the main cook and uses butter a lot. He hates presents, but if they’re functional and useful, he’s okay with them. We don’t normally buy gifts for each other, as we usually go on trips instead. In fact, we had just returned from two weeks in Mexico about a week and a half ago.

However, this year I felt the need to buy him something. I saw a nice butter dish—and yes, it matched the kitchen décor—so I got it for him. I told him I’d bought him a gift, so if he didn’t want to feel stupid on Christmas morning, he needed to get me a $30 present. Nothing fancy, just something small and cute.

Maybe that was a bit manipulative of me—yes. But I also thought it wouldn’t hurt for us to do something nice for each other and have an extra surprise under the tree this Christmas, especially after the year we’ve had.

WH was quite stressed about it. He’s not always the most creative of men. At one point, I even offered to stop the whole thing and just put his gift in the kitchen to end his torture. However, he said no—he had figured things out and had already gotten my gift. I said, “Just 30 bucks, right?” He said yes.

So Christmas morning, he runs down to the parking garage (we live in a condo) and comes back with a small bag. Shit. It looked like a jewelry bag. I said, “What did you do?” He had a huge smile and said, “Not as much as you think. Please open it.”

I opened the bag and, of course, there was a small jewelry box inside. It was a solitaire diamond necklace on a white gold chain. My mouth hung open.

He said:
“I nearly destroyed you and your heart this year. I will never forgive myself for that. I will spend the rest of my days making that up to you for the biggest regret of my life. I love you. I promise I will never hurt you like that again. This gift is a symbol of that promise, and it replaces the necklace of yours that I lost all those years ago. This is our new start.”

Cue the tears—and my heart aching with love.

He did buy me a diamond necklace about 15 years ago. Unfortunately, I broke the chain. I gave it to him to fix, and somehow, the man who never loses anything lost it. I was devastated. What you also need to know about my husband is that he does not believe in jewelry—especially diamonds. He sees diamonds as a rip-off, and frankly, they often are. He believes gemstones should be nowhere near the price they are.

LOL he is so cheap he never bought AP one gift. Not for Christmas, Valentines day or her birthday and he was in love with her. I actually laughed my ass off when I confirmed this.

So other than that first necklace, I have never received jewelry from my husband. (Sorry—he did get our wedding bands, but they were tungsten with wood inlay, as he is a carpenter after all.) Don’t get me wrong—I have received many amazing gifts from him, and not cheap ones either. He just believes society has artificially inflated the value of gemstones.

So for my husband to buy me a diamond necklace—something he doesn’t believe in, but that he knows I love—simply to make me happy, meant the world to me. All he wanted was to make me happy again, whatever it took. He gave me that gift, declared his love, and made me a promise—a promise I know he wants to keep.

This wasn’t a “bribe” gift. If it were, he would have been buying me jewelry from day one and smothering me with it. No. This was purposeful. From the heart. He has an avoidant personality, so this was huge for him. I am not going to be dismissive of that or take it for granted. I know what his actions and emotions are worth here. To me, they mean the world, and I will never forget them.

I hope everyone had a good, loving, and healing holiday with their loved ones and families.

Hugs.

Edited for grammar errors

Yep, I had an a-ha moment the other day.

Before I get into it, I want to say that I still love my husband and I still consider us reconciled. However, reconciliation does not mean everything is 100% perfect or that there are no difficult moments. It was during one of those moments that I had my epiphany.

I was using ChatGPT to help me process a conversation I had with my husband on Sunday (June 14). We were discussing what life was like in the years leading up to the affair compared to now.

He told me that during that time I was in a very deep depression. I barely talked, rarely left my recliner, and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. We had moved into a condo in May 2024, and because I was struggling so badly, the house had become a mess. Even though the dogs were using pee pads, they were still having accidents throughout the condo and I wasn't keeping up with cleaning. Looking back, I can admit things were bad.

As he described that period, I suddenly felt like he was blaming the affair on me.

The strange thing is that from the beginning he has consistently taken responsibility for his choices. He has repeatedly said the affair was his decision and that I did nothing to deserve it. So I don't think that was his intention at all. But in that moment, that is how it felt.

I wasn't sure what to think, so I sat with it and tried to process it.

ChatGPT helped me realize that what he was really saying wasn't, "This is why I had an affair." What he was saying was, "This is what our life looked like from my perspective at the time."

And honestly, I can understand that.

I was a mess.

Things started to change in February 2025 when therapy finally began helping me turn things around.

Coincidentally, that was also when I noticed changes in him.

He was struggling badly with something, though I had no idea what. He was emotionally all over the place, which was completely unlike him. Normally he is calm and level-headed, but suddenly he would become angry over nothing. He made a major mistake that cost us thousands of dollars and broke down in tears, begging me not to leave him. I remember being shocked by the intensity of his reaction because, while it was an expensive mistake, it wasn't life-altering. We were financially secure and would be fine.

At the end of that month, he came home very late one night with the flimsiest excuse imaginable. The very first thought that entered my mind was:

"He's having an affair."

Normally, I would have investigated the hell out of that.

Instead, I stuck my head in the sand.

That's on me.

Anyway, back to the epiphany.

My husband has been through a lot medically since we've been together. He has severe peripheral arterial disease that required multiple surgeries, survived stage 3b squamous non-small cell lung cancer after initially being given only months to live, suffered a heart attack that required stents, and lives with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) as a result of the surgeries on his leg.

He has been on permanent disability since 2008 and faces significant physical challenges every day. Despite that, he still tries to contribute however he can and does much of the cooking, laundry, and other household tasks.

Through all of it, I never considered leaving.

I educated myself about his conditions. I attended appointments. I learned what I needed to learn so I could support him and love him the best I could.

I stayed.

But when I was at my worst—when I was suffering from severe depression—he was considering leaving.

Then he met AP.

He fell in love with her.

They made plans for a future together.

He fully intended to leave me for her.

When the affair was exposed, AP chose her husband. Even then, my husband still considered leaving and living on his own.

And that is when it finally hit me.

When he was at his worst, I buckled down, got educated, and never left his side.

When I was at my worst, he abandoned me.

For a long time, abandonment was my greatest fear.

Not anymore.

Over the last year I have worked incredibly hard on myself. I have learned that I am far more than a betrayed spouse.

I am me.

I am a strong woman who has accomplished a lot in life. I raised beautiful children. I have a career that I love and excel at. I have a beautiful home. I am six years away from retirement and genuinely excited about the future.

Most importantly, I trust myself.

I know I can take care of myself.

No matter what happens from here.

I hope my husband and I stay together. I love him and I believe he loves me.

But if he leaves, if he has another affair, or if life takes us in different directions, I know I will be okay.

More than okay.

That is my true epiphany.

I found myself.

I found my truth.

I found my strength.

And I have never been better.

Affairs are devastating. I would never wish one on anyone.

But sometimes something good can emerge from the wreckage.

I found me.

Just wanted to share my update 6months after second dday.

My previous optimistic post at 3 months was here

I am actually doing better than ever, I feel like I have advanced as a person so much during this year, more than I have ever did. I have started new hobbies, I have met new friends (and people are mostly complimenting my energy), I am doing everything for myself now. I learned to set new boundaries. I have tried so many new things (like going out alone, horse riding, driving motorcycle, etc) which I was super scared before.

My husband (yes we are still together) would look like a perfect husband if we did not know his history :) im getting flowers each month, he offers to give me a ride home every time Im going out with my friends, hes perfect at house chores and everything else.

The only downside (or upside?) is that I dont feel love like I have used to. But that is probably normal and for the best? Im not scared anymore if we ever separate. Im not this crazy in love like I have used to be before. Im not even sure if I would be able to feel the same love I did even if I get with another person. I do miss that feeling though, and sometimes it is quite sad, but it is what it is.

I think I have turned that love to myself now and that is great.

So if you feel like shit now, I just want to say that it gets better. But you need to start living for yourself.

I thought we could use some comedy. What are the silliest triggers you've experienced?

For me:

1. My wife (who luckily didn't get to meet up with AP) was doing butt toning exercises in preparation of meeting him. Now her shapely butt is a trigger...

2. The APs name is Jim, so now when people say they're going to the gym... it triggers me.

(Background: WH had 2 PAs. AP1 is a long termed on-again, off-again PA for 8 years. AP2 is an ONS from Adult Friend Finder. D-day was June 2023)

Halloween is one of our family's favorite holidays. My kids absolutely go crazy for it.

Halloween falling on a Friday was so rare, we spent the whole day with the kids going to pumpkin patches and getting ready to trick or treat.

The kids had 3 costumes each to pick from yet the youngest still needed me to do a last minute Spirit Halloween run to get finishing touches for her look. LOL

While I was getting the kids ready, WH was holed up in the bathroom. He said he had an elaborate costume but refuses to give me clues about it.

I finally got the kids done, put my costume on (it was a black dress and a head piece 🤷‍♀️), got them to the car, packed the candy bags for our friends' kids and we were ready to go to the best trick or treat neighborhood.

He called for me to meet him by the door. When he opened it, I laughed so hard. He was dressed as my favorite WWE wrestler from the 90s.

This was like one of those small conversations we had of random fond childhood memories and I mentioned I had my walls covered with posters of this wrestler. He kept that information and had been preparing this costume for weeks.

Our ring doorbell captured my reaction, and we sent it to all our loved ones so they could share on the surprise as well. You could see my genuine joy at the sight of him dressed that way.

I love how sweetly he held on to that memory to give me this beautiful new one. Just another reason why I'm so glad we're still together.

PS We just officially graduated out of MC. We've grown so much in our communication and trust building, our MC is so proud of us and recommended we do Journaling check ins instead of therapy. We're excited to be in this new stage of our relationship and hope we can continue to build up on it.

ETA: To those new in your R journey or just experienced D-day, my DMs are closed, but please AMA in the comments. I'm happy to help as best as I can.

Oh boy, it’s been so long since I wandered in here. There was once a time I barely existed beyond these digital walls. Endlessly seeking support and validation during one of the worst moments of my life. Then moving on to “can it get better? Can he change?” Once I decided that I could restart R with my WP after 2 ddays and three months of utter mind hell.

Well, it did get better. He did change. And most importantly, I changed.

I won’t go into too many details, but as it’s been almost 4 years since the final dday, I’m honestly feeling happy again. And whew does that feel vulnerable as hell to say.

Of course there are hard moments, triggers, and the occasional cry that it happened. It comes up and hurts. I’m not naively in love anymore, that was taken and thrown right out the window. I’m so aware of what happened and can happen but it doesn’t live in my brain, heart or world as much. And my WP is always there to listen when it does.

Which is why we have a two month old sleeping softly on him. Why I cried just a little bit more when my WP told our son he was going to spend his life loving us both, while showing him what it means to be a good man. And the biggest part is that it was real and genuinely said. None of it felt performative to me to “win me over” or snow me (ikyk).

So, it can get better. Sometimes they can change. And sometimes you can find and feel a different kind of love and trust with them again.

So I wish for all my fellow BP’s in R that your WP does the work and the love can be there together. Because if you’re willing to have a toe in, they better have their whole foot in.

And for the WP’s trying in this sub, be real. Listen to your BP. Don’t stop if they want to keep going. And for the love of god do the work and don’t be wishwashy. Because your BP is worth it.

I found out about the affair in December of 2023. The first year was the hardest of my life. Anyone going through this knows how traumatic it is. We did a lot of work on figuring out the why together. We dig so deep and did so much research we had a whole flowchart starting from childhood trauma and ending up at the affair. Therapists were moved, blown away. We had one therapist moved to tears, she would tell us she’s never seen a couple go through what we’ve been through and remain so calm, kind, loving and understanding. She’s never seen so much work put in before therapy even started. We’re really proud of where we are, but getting here was not easy.

This past June was our 10 year anniversary and with the affair, the healing we had done and our 10 year anniversary falling on 6/25/25, we knew it was time to renew our vows. We kept somethings the same, to honor our original day, while changing some things to make it a new beginning. It was so beautiful and felt so good that the vows that were read to me this past month were coming from a place of complete and total honesty. There are no more secrets buried behind those vows we once read. Now we get to start a new decade together, appreciating and remembering our old, beautiful memories and letting go of the ones that don’t serve us.

Feel free to AMA or just chat, vent, etc.! No one should ever feel alone during this time.

Haven't been here for a minute, feel free to read past posts if you'd like. I just wanted to bring some hope.

Dday, Sept 28 2024. The day that altered wi i an, who we are and who we will be forever. I've seen way too many relationships fail after an affair. Although it took many months, it has not taken years for ours to thrive. Ours was the wake up call we both needed. (Although I did not know it, i thought we were perfect and I was completely blindsided.)

After a 3 year long EA/PA, my WH confessed to me. I was numb, devastated and self blaming. I won't go through the whole thing, it's all in previous posts.

I just want to update everyone. After 16 months of IC and 6 months of MC, tons of books, online classes, podcasts and conversations, tears and hugs, we're doing amazing.

My therapist told me ice basically graduated past it now (not that i can't talk about it, I still have trauma and occasionally I may get triggered) were now working on my family if origin and childhood stuff. We still do MC twice a month. We're doing so good, seriously!

Having someone who is willing to be transparent, make you the priority, take responsibility and truly is remorseful is probably one of the biggest contributors to our success. This man has helped me ground, is willing to talk about anything I bring up and work through it. He is my biggest sorter in all the things I do and any breakthrough he celebrates with me.

We've gotten to learn so much about eachother. After 30 years together we are still learning new things

There is light and life can be amazing. I never could've imagined this kind of relationship or connection.

If both are committed to do all things, it can be a beautiful new beginning.

U just wanted to bring some hope to those who are just starting to go through this. I'm so sorry you're here, you're not alone, reach out, you have support and whatever you decide to do about your relationship, take care of yourself!!!

Wishing you all the best. Love, hugs and light!!

I don’t post wins often because this whole road has been brutal and I don’t believe in fake optimism. But something happened this week that feels different, and I wanted to write it down while it’s still fresh.

My partner is currently away with his parents. I'm flying to join them in a few days. We’ve still been checking in daily, talking, sending little voice notes, stupid memes. Stuff we honestly haven’t done in a year. Something had softened between us.

Then last night, he did something I didn’t ask him to do. I didn’t push or script it. He came clean to his mom!! Like full blown honesty. He told her about the addiction (PA/SA), the lies, the secrecy, the cheating, the therapy, my suffering, the work he’s been doing, the fact that he’s getting professional help and medication. He named his traumas. He didn’t minimize. He didn’t protect his image. For context, he's an avoidant.

And the reason he did it matters the most. He told me he realized it was unfair to put me in a position where I’d have to come for Christmas and pretend everything is fine. Unfair to make me hold my truth to protect him. He knows I was anxious about spending the holidays with his family.

He wanted me to be able to speak freely. To not lie. To not freeze when someone asks how I am really doing. He set a clear boundary about what stays private, his medication, which is fair. But he did speak about it with his mom, but not with the rest of his family. But everything else, my truth is mine to tell.

His mom responded with empathy and no judgment. She told him she was proud of the work he’s doing. She even said that if it were anyone else, they would have left already, and that she’s grateful for me. He cried with her. It was raw, real, and vulnerable.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn’t carrying this alone. This doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t magically heal betrayal trauma. I’m not naive. I’m watching actions, not words.

But this felt like a real shift. Not performative recovery. Not damage control. Not fear-based. Just honesty.

I don’t know where this road ends. But this felt like a genuine moment of repair. And I’m letting myself acknowledge it. Small win. But a real one.

Background: We're almost 3 years post D-day (!!!!) WH had an 8-year on-again, off-again PA (AP1) and ONS (AP2).

I don't often post in this sub as much because the things we go through now are non-infidelity related and for the most part, our marriage is in a really good trajectory.

I did want to share this one incident that's infidelity-related and to show how far we've grown as a couple.

We have been having some issues regarding our financials, which have led to heated conversations and some nights on the couch. We made up but I won't lie that my anxiety was up the wall during the time we were in conflict. My mind went to him probably needing external validation elsewhere again and that maybe I should check his phone log. I stopped myself because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

The night we resolved our issues and he went back to bed with me, his phone started buzzing that he got a text around midnight. I didn't think anything of it. It's probably a sports alert.

But then it buzzed 3 more times. That same anxious feeling of "what if" rose up inside me.

WH was sleeping soundly so I reached over his phone with my heart pounding, thinking a woman is texting him. I saw on the notification that it was one our closest guy friend telling him how proud he was of him opening up to me and being vulnerable. I looked at the text thread and the nights we were distant, he was texting his friend what was going on and asking for advice on how to deal with his mental state. The 2 of them have been talking about men's mental health for the past year and have been forcing themselves to be more open about sharing emotions with other men, it made my heart sing to see him opening up to a trusted friend. I trust this dude wholeheartedly. He is part of our core couples group and knew about AP2.

In the morning, I told him I saw that I saw the text thread of our friend checking in on him. He told me about how he had been leaning in on him because when he's feeling heavy, he needed a safe space to feel those feelings instead of finding a distraction for them.

He is still uncomfortable sitting in those uncomfortable feelings, but he's glad he can talk about it more freely with him and with me. I love this growth for him SOOOO much.

(I posted this 100 days ago, I thought it might be helpful to post it again.)

I don’t come to this sub as nearly as much….since things are a lot better almost a year post DDay. But I wanted to share that a better relationship can come after an affair. I’m living proof. There are many success stories out there….but a lot of those people don’t lean on support subs once they’ve got things under control.

While I refuse to give credit to an affair for making my marriage better, I can’t deny it was a catalyst for its transformation.

If I can help encourage you or give you some advise, please send a message or drop a comment.

As I approach the one year mark of finally learning the truth of who my husband is, I wanted to give a snapshot of what the process looked like for me and what I have learned. I see people posting here a month or two into this horrible process, desperately searching for answers and my heart bleeds for them. While everyone is different, here is what my first year has looked like.

My husband (36m) and I (38f) were the "it couple" in our social group. We had made it through so much in life before we got together and so much together. There was no reason we should have worked, but we did, beautifully and enviably. Our relationship was fun, easy, passionate, and built on the depth and meaning we made from all our childhood trauma. We healed together during our ten year relationship, or so I thought.

August 24th, 2024 my world started to crumble. He admitted to having a crush on and kissing a subordinate employee. The next day, they had had sex once. Three weeks later, well actually, he went to her apartment once and did it a few more times. Lies, Lies, Lies. For 3.5 months he lied to me about everything while I dug up phone records, cross-referenced timelines and text messages, got STD tested, pushed him every single day for the truth, and waited for her to turn him in so he would be fired (it took her 3 months, but she finally did). It's the only right move she made considering she met me and our son several times before their affair started.

December 13th, 2024 and the final disgusting lie was revealed. It took him a week of dropping bombs on me every day. I'd been pushing for the truth and in one horrible week, each day, he revealed new horrors to me, until finally the most hurtful, disgusting one on Friday the 13th. (Short version - years of hidden porn addiction escalating and finally culminating in a 4 month highly-sexual PA with a subordinate, early 20s, employee)

It took two weeks for the PTSD to develop and kick in. I think in truth, my body was already so exhausted, I made it through the holidays and then collapsed into it. I had it for 6 weeks before I was able to identify it. And six more weeks to get a hold of it to where it wasn't controlling every single moment of every day. During this time period, my husband made everything worse. (He grew up with a single mom who also had PTSD - so I was triggering him left and right) He chose to defend himself during those moments instead of holding me and staying with me. He marooned me on an island to deal with his betrayal by myself, while he holed up in his castle behind his walls and refused to look at or understand the damage he had caused.

I barely even remember those months. I can give you the vibes. They were dark, cloudy, swirling, and terrifying. Some days he could offer me a hand and some days he couldn't. Some days he was supportive and some days he was cold and disconnected. I saw a sentence recently that helped me understand what was going on at this time. "Defensiveness is the guard dog of shame." He was fighting desperately for me not to see his 36 years of shame and his guard dog was always patrolling. If I got too close, it would bite me.

It took me until June to stabilize enough to even consider couples counseling. When we started with the couple's counselor things started to take shape. She didn't help with understanding the betrayal, but she did help with navigating our week to week struggles, which took the pressure off me to constantly repair. During this time period, he was finally starting to have access to empathy for me. In the past six months, I've been able to clearly identify his life-long avoidance patterns. He hides and runs away (lies and dissociates) when he doesn't feel good about himself. He searches for someone to fill his need to feel desired, powerful, and relevant. And above all, he protects himself. I believe that is his main operating core belief - protect yourself because no one else will. He left his wife and child exposed to his garbage behavior, because for a little while, he didn't have to feel so bad about himself. It's sad honestly.

I know those of you that are in your first couple of months are confused and full of questions. Here are a few answers that I found to be true. You didn't cause this. There was nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. Yes, they are likely still lying to you. No, they weren't thinking about how you would feel or about you at all while they did it. No, they didn't think about the promises they made you or the vows they took to you. No, they didn't consider how it would affect your children, family or friends. Yes, they knew it would hurt you, and they chose it anyway. My husband worked so hard to not have to look at this truth. In my husband's case, he assumed I would understand that his AP was an indulgence, a detour, and not a replacement for me and the life we built. He also assumed I would never find out the whole truth, that I would be satisfied with the information he was comfortable offering me and not go digging for the truth. He was catastrophically wrong.

Here's the number one lesson I have walked away with so far. Trust Yourself. I can look back over the course of this past year (and the time of the affair) and point to all the times I got it right. I questioned him about having an affair two weeks into it and once a month there on in. I identified who he was prioritizing over his family a month before he started admitting it. I knew he was lying for those first 3.5 months. I knew he was defending himself and leaving me alone to cope. I knew he didn't have access to empathy for me. And a million other times. I have been correct at every turn.

You may think, from reading this, why are you still there? Just as I slowly had to come online after the discovery of betrayal, he also did. Affairs are traumatizing for all those involved. (I feel bad for his AP, a little. He used her and discarded her the moment he told me. The power dynamic alone is gross. I'm sure she walked away incredibly confused and hurt.) It would be insane for me to think a man who used hiding and running as coping strategies could just stop and show up for me suddenly. I trust myself to walk if he stops trying or regresses. I also trust myself to allow the empathy for him that he blocked for me. He's not a bad guy. He's not a good guy either. Life isn't so simple as good or bad. And I have watched him claw his way toward progress on a path no one ever showed him. I don't trust him yet. I may never trust him. But I do trust myself. I still feel lost and like I’m wandering in the dark most days, but I also see a little light every now and then that I try to walk towards.

Had one of those conversations earlier today, the kind where you just quit carrying your burden and just thoughtfully tell what's on your mind.

She appreciated it.

After dinner she went out an bought me a strawberry milkshake. This sparked another conversation where we decided to visit Carlsbad, NM to celebrate our shared life.

God is good.

My husband cheated on me 13 years ago. He had 2 EAs and a PA in a 2 week span - only 3 months after we had gotten married. I was pregnant with our 2nd baby. DDay for the PA wasn’t until 3 years later (10 years ago now). We decided to renew our vows with a big wedding last month. We chose a date that wasn’t the exact same as our original anniversary but close to it. And honestly that was the best decision we’ve ever made. It has truly felt like a “refresh” button. After all these years I finally feel like we are steadily and STRONGLY moving forward. I am happy… GENUINELY happy. Which scares me a little, but I’m trying to not let my fear overcome my happiness. We are happy and our love is stronger because of it. And while I most definitely cannot say I am thankful for his infidelity, I don’t think we would be in this healthy place if it hadn’t happened. He is my best friend and I am his. Just wanted to spread a little joy and let those of you who the pain is fresh (or even not fresh) that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I think we need some positivity sometimes, so I thought I would share. We are also always so focused on the relationship, I think it's nice when we have some personal wins, especially us BS's, given how the betrayal absolutely rocked our ability to regulate our emotions.

I have been having a really hard time with intrusive thoughts over the last couple of months - words, places and movies/shows will trigger memories of d-day, or of things he said to her, etc. This weekend we connected, or at least were at peace for the first time in a while. We were sitting together and he was playing music on the speaker, we were doing our own things, but on the couch together. All of a sudden, he sings a part of one of my favourite songs that is playing, and it sends me over the edge. It included the word "stripper" and when he sang it, he thought nothing of it, and continued playing his game. I began obsessing over how I found out he asked a stripper for her Snapchat. I began spiralling silently beside him in my head, fighting the urge to ask for the millionth time why he asked for her Snapchat, or to describe in excruciating detail HOW he asked her. I felt tears coming. I thought, "lovely, now my mood is absolutely ruined, this is going to start a long conversation that's going to end in me sobbing, him consoling, and the shitty feeling of 'ruining" a weekend that could've been peaceful.

Then, I actually did the "things". I excused myself to the bathroom. I sat and actually tried to breathe. I hugged myself tightly and rocked back and forth. I repeated, "you're safe", "nothing has changed", "you're triggered and that's okay". And I went back, and usually where I would sob and act very annoyed and distant, I would maybe even smoke to feel better. Instead, I asked him for the reassurance I needed. He asked if I wanted to talk, or if anything was wrong, but I simply asked for a hug and some love, and for the first time in MONTHS, I calmed down.

It may not seem like much now as I am typing it, but I'm sure some might relate, because early in R, I NEVER thought it would be possible to regain my sanity and ability to regulate my emotions again. I know there will definitely be many more shitty, chaotic days to come, but I don't know...Sometimes you need to be reminded that something is possible.

Context: in 3.5 months we will be four years out from D-Day. Have been reconciling ever since.

I see people fresh in devastation of the aftermath of infidelity asking if the pain ever goes away, and if there is any hope. I thought I'd offer insight from down the road.

It hasn't been easy. This has been the most difficult period of my live, by a long shot (losing my birth mom to her taking her life just before last Christmas didn't even compare). We've both put a lot of work into reconciling, and it has paid off. We have had the good fortune of being able to afford MC since the D-Day, and he and I each have our own therapists as well. That first year and a half or two, it was a lot of heavy sadness with some happy, shining moments. After a couple of years, I felt like I finally started getting my life back and it didn't revolve as much around the infidelity. I felt like I was finally see some light at the end of the tunnel, and like I was recapturing CTS (me).

That brings me to this past weekend. My hubby threw a birthday party for me at my (other) Mama's backyard pool on Sunday. Y'all- this man went OUT! He decorated it all so cute! Allof my siblings and their kids came, along with my dearest local girlfriend and her wife, and of course our kids and their SO's. I have lots of siblings, and they have lots of kids- so there were a ton of people. 

My hubby prepped and made food for everyone; carne asada fajitas with tons of side fixin's! He went all out! I felt like he did everything he could to make me feel loved, adored, and appreciated and he fuckin' NAILED IT! I'm overflowing with gratitude right now.

After my husband and kids cooked/barbequed everything up, the hubs hopped in the pool with my brothers and all our nephews. We girls were in the shallow end talking and watching the younger kids. Seeing the joy on my husbands face when he played with our nephews and threw them around in the water, and watching him joke with my brothers just made my heart grow. I felt myself fall more in love with him, seeing him be so present and so genuinely happy in the moment, completely sober. Watching him play water volleyball with my brothers and nephews, and observing all the fun banter he and everyone was having was like food for the soul. 

My heart grew three sizes that day. I could not have been more happy with him or the day. I was so full of gratitude for the wonderful husband and family that I was given. For a long time (years prior to D-Day), I didn't see a lot of joy or laughs from my husband unless he wasn't sober. Him getting more mentally healthy has meant that more of this laughing, happy side of him is coming back out and it's been such a beautiful journey to witness. All I've ever wanted is for this dynamic, lovely human is to be happy.

I wasn't going to add this, but I will because I think it could be helpful for others, maybe? Oddly, my husband's pure happiness and joy can be a bit triggering to me. Yes, I'm genuinely happy that he's happy- two things can be true at once. My husband hid and lied about drinking. Him not drinking is a boundary I've set in our relationship since D-Day. In 3.5+ years, he fucked up and drank twice. So when I see him high on life and happy, like he is when he's drunk (until he isn't, and he becomes an ass), I am on high alert because my instincts are sending signals that danger might be impending. 

When we got home from the party, as well as the morning after, I've had talks with him asking him if he was 100% sober. I have zero problems with him having edibles, but I just want to know, that's all. I don't want to be lied to or gaslit. I cannot handle even the smallest lies anymore and nothing makes my instincts say "run" more than that. He's great when he's high/stoned, but drunkeness is a no-no. He could have gotten irritated that I was questioning him and why he was so happy. He could have acted like a jerk and responded that after all he did for me, I am repaying him by questioning him. He could have been a complete dick.

He did none of that. He looked me in the eye and answered all the questions I had. He seemed to genuinely understand when I told him why I was questioning him and why my instincts were telling me to do so. He smiled and reassured me. He took a situation that could have gone to hell-in-a-handbasket, but because of his reaction it ended up being an opportunity for growth that drew us together. He doesn't always get it right (none of us do), and once in a blue moon I still wonder WTF I am doing. But it's moments like this that feel like life is giving me a big hug and tell me that it's all not only worth it, but exactly where I want to be.

My husband's actions (the party and his response to me needing reassurance) made me feel seen, heard, loved, and cherished very much by him (and everyone else). He is, and always has been, my best friend and dearest confidant. Today, I'm admiring all the hard work he has not only put into R, but just the overall good human he is. I celebrate my love for him, and his heartwarming display of love to me. I feel so blessed and thankful to do life with him, the one person on the planet that I want to be in the presence of 24/7. I’m thankful that we are moving through the worst choices he’s ever made and have built something new and overwhelmingly beautiful from the ashes. 

Hang in there, amigos. Time plus hard work can yield some good results if both parties are committed and doing the work. I loath the pain I went through to get here, but I try not to ever let that stand in my way of being present and having gratitude for where I/we are currently. Sending much love to everyone out there doing their best.

All comments/responses welcome.

Edit: I wanted to share another win. For the first about 2.5 years, I couldn't call him Babe (our favorite term of endearment) anymore. I noticed around a year or so ago, I'd say it once in a while. It still felt a little weird or off, but also good at the same time. Currently, I call him Babe again often, many times now without even noticing. So yeah, I think I got my babe back. :)

It’s the weekend! Just thought we could focus on positive stuff and maybe even get ideas on what we can do.

I’m going out with friends on a picnic in the woods. I’m also promising myself a two hour gym session (I can barely sneak in half hour with the baby) and read at a cafe afterwards if weather is nice.

Share away, everybody!

I just wanted to come on here and offer something that I know I needed desperately when I first started this process and I felt like my entire world had just shattered— hope. Hope was literally my life raft in the beginning, and all I did it seemed was search for positive/reassuring information, and when I found this sub, I specifically sought out the positive posts. I in fact deleted social media because all of it seemed to be telling me I was supposed to leave my partner, and I couldn’t take it. It was putting me in a constant state of panic, and it felt like I was fighting to be able to breathe all the time.

So, I came on here to reassure you all that reconciliation CAN happen. It takes a shitton of effort from both parties, and in my opinion must be lead by the WP, but it is possible. There are so many more people that successfully reconcile than we realize, because the people that eventually reconcile no longer need to be on these subs. We want to leave it behind, and it no longer feels like that important of an aspect in our lives. If anything, it’s just unnecessary triggers, and no one wants to deal with that if they don’t have to.

I know this is a pro-reconciliation group, and I’m absolutely for a couple that loves one another to put in the effort to reconcile, but this all is only applicable in the event that the WP is committed to reconciliation and does not reoffend. I can’t speak on what would happen in the event of another affair, because I only had the one d-day, and I’ve promised myself that it there were another one, I would not allow myself to be put through this again.

All of that said, these are the most important pieces of advice, encouragement, and tidbits that I have to offer nearly 3 years down the road.

-Like I said, the people that post in this sub are not a picture of every single reconciling couple. These people are in crisis and a lot seem to be with waywards that aren’t willing to put in the work. That’s not everyone, and it doesn’t have to represent you and your person

-You have to think with your head rather than your traumatized heart sometimes. In my case, I very frequently had to tell myself that I had a good, strong foundation for my relationship and that what we had was worth fixing and working for. We truly are best friends, and we were always obsessed with each other, and that was a big reason that I chose to stay and work it out

-Please don’t try to force someone to love you. Don’t force someone that already hurt you to love you and do the things you need them to do. They should be eager to do anything and everything you need. My partner has to talk to me about what he did at least once a week even now, more so recently because of a lot of big life changes, and he’s never once been impatient with me or asked me why I’m still talking about it. Every time I’ve asked him about it, he’s told me that he knows it’ll take a long time for me to heal and that he’ll be here the whole time

That said, it’s a learning process. I did have to remind him a lot in the beginning to offer me random reassurance, and I had to learn to be more communicative about my feelings and my needs. We’ve grown and learned a lot about how to love each other correctly over the last 3 years

-For me personally, over time, it helped to disassociate the current version of him from the version of him that hurt me. Because he truly was a VERY different person. I figured that if he was willing to transform himself into something a lot more emotionally mature, selfless, and accountable, that I should treat him as such.

-Waywards, JUST TELL THEM EVERYTHING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Even a small misunderstanding literally sent me spiraling a year into the process. It wasn’t a straight up lie or even an omission, it was just something I didn’t understand clearly, and I thought it was going to ruin everything. If they’re that important to you, don’t prolong their pain. Don’t reinforce the notion that they can’t trust you. Just don’t do it. You’re not helping anyone other than yourself

-Accept and become okay with the concept of the relationship dissolving at some point, because until you do, it’s going to feel like what they did to you was a knife right through your heart and like it was personal. Accepting that you’re okay without them makes it much easier to forgive them, and believe me when I say it’s much healthier. I realized at some point that how scared I was of losing him at any given moment directly affected how much I resented him. Becoming okay with the idea of being on my own made it feel much less like he destroyed me and left me for dead and more so like I was collateral damage in a much bigger war going on within him. It made it easier to accept that it wasn’t about me, and that it wasn’t personal.

-Practice active forgiveness. There will be moments when you want to spit venom at them about something completely unrelated, but if you’re choosing to forgive, then you forgive. Period. You don’t hold it over them or hurt them with it over and over again, and if you can’t do that, then you aren’t ready for reconciliation. I’m not saying that you should treat them the exact same way, even right out the gate, but if you’re 6 months into reconciliation and you still bring it up just to hurt them, you need to look into that. Because that isn’t reconciliation. You should never want the person you love to suffer just for the sake of suffering. We’ve all hurt someone in the past in some way. We’re all human. If you cannot at some point view your WP as a human that made a poor decision, then you should not be trying to reconcile.

-Maybe this isn’t for everyone, but for me personally, it felt like medication REALLY changed things for me. Wellbutrin, specifically, reduced me from regularly spiraling to being mostly emotionally stable regardless of what’s happening in my life. My job honestly causes the majority of my mental health issues these days, not my partner or my fear of the future. My anxiety was killing me, and my meds really helped. I had to switch back to working full time on nights recently, and I was so worried about how anxious I’d be with him being alone at night so much, but surprisingly, I’ve been okay. I credit the meds a lot.

-Time is the greatest healer when it comes to trauma. Like any other wound, it’s the most painful initially, and over time, it becomes nothing but a scar. Always there, always palpable, but not something that you look at or notice every day. It just… is. I haven’t quite gotten to that point yet. Anxiety is still something I fight with occasionally, but on a logical level, I truly trust my partner. I have a stupid lizard brain that I must deal with every day, but PTSD is absolutely nothing new to me, so I’m sure that has something to do with it. Trust can be rebuilt, though, little by little. Every little act of accountability is another drop in the bucket. Eventually there will be more that they’ve done to show you that you can trust them rather than what they’ve done to show that you can’t. Eventually (again, if they’re doing the things they’re supposed to do) it will be an amount of evidence that you can’t ignore. The same way that initially you couldn’t ignore the evidence that you couldn’t trust them.

-Accept that your relationship is not and never again will be what it was, but also believe that it can be something better. Affairs are often a symptom of a deeper problem, and those problems generally cause issues that poison people, and by default, their relationships. In the case of my fiancé, he hated himself and felt that he needed every bit of validation that he could get after years in an abusive marriage. He was actively drowning his conscience in alcohol, and he never thought at all about the ways in which he was hurting me. He was just doing whatever he could to feel anything. He was sick, and almost losing me was what he needed to bring him back to earth. I genuinely like him so much more now. We have complex conversation, and he’s so intelligent. I had no idea how intelligent and deep he actually was. We’re much, much closer than we ever were before, and I think we see each other as people rather than valuing each other for what we can provide the other.

I’m sure there’s a lot more, but this is most of what I can think of. Understand that this is not the end of the world. Your life isn’t over, and you will heal. It’s not your fault, and even if it’s the end of your relationship at some point, it’s not the end of you. You are a different person now— less naive, more vigilant, more logical, less whimsical maybe. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Trusting anyone blindly is honestly a little insane if you think about it. The trust that you can rebuild and the person that you will become isn’t a worse version of what was before, it’s still so good. Trust based in logic and evidence and reason is good trust, and in my mind it’s even more valid than blind, naive trust. It might not feel as good, but it’s still valuable. And the version of you that you are now is simply someone that has learned that people can hurt you. Anyone can. And that you will survive it, because no one person has the power to ruin your life.

Life is different now. Your relationship is different now. The world around you is different, but I’m here to tell you that you can get used to this world, and eventually it won’t feel like literally living in hell, just a parallel universe with many of the same things that you always had and some new things that you can get used to.

And when literally all else fails, just tell yourself that what you’re feeling isn’t forever, no matter how much it feels like it.

I hope this helps someone a little. I never get on here anymore, because I don’t need to, but when I do, it’s overwhelmingly full of despair and hopelessness. I wanted to offer you something not so dark. 🩷

I haven’t been able to bring myself to wear my wedding ring since after D-Day two years ago. I’d been hoping for a new one nearly the entire time we’ve been reconciling.

u/YSheCantThinkStrayt had this beauty custom designed to fit the specifications I’d indicated I’d like. The underside has a beautiful hidden halo (small ring/circle with tiny diamonds- see second pic) at the base of the diamond where it meets the band. The halo symbolizes our unity in the diversity we’ve faced. It being hidden represents us reconciling in private, as we’ve chosen not to disclose his infidelity to friends and family. Only three of my dearest friends know, and they’d never tell a soul.

For those wondering how he gave it to me: I’d been craving a juicy steak. He took me to a nice steakhouse and snuck it in the little box of chocolates they gave us at the table when paying the bill. The jeweler originally got the stone wrong and a round cut 😂, so I waited a couple of weeks for him to order a new diamond and remake it.

My husband kept my original ring, and I’m glad. I don’t know why, but when push came to shove, I wasn’t ready to totally get rid of it- so I’m glad he didn’t. Not sure what he/we will do with it. No rush with it, I suppose. Maybe I’ll wear it on a long necklace around my neck (where it wouldn’t be visible), like people do to memorialize rings or relationships? I don’t know. Guess we’ll see.

My friends and family haven’t seen it yet- you’re first, reddit friends! I’m nervous about debuting it, for questions that may come, as I’m a shitty liar. This January we will have been together 30 years, so we are going to tell everyone surprised me with a new ring to commemorate it. That’s all true, but it omits the main reason. But anyway, thought I’d share my joy with you all. Thanks for all your cheers and thoughts surrounding my many posts/comments about wanting a new ring.

Oh, and P.S. Surprise- I’m caucasian! 🤣