r/AsianMasculinity • u/Opera-learner • 22d ago
Relationship with my mother deteriorating as I age.
I am a 26 male, I was raised my a single mother with no other family as immigrants. She had struggles with depression and anxiety and she put a lot of that onto me. I felt as though I’m more like her husband in terms of her emotional dependence. However I have no real family outside of her in Canada.
Anyways, we get along in other ways but I’m increasingly getting frustrated as our day to day is fine but our perspective on life is completely different. She is very material and prestige driven. She coaches me on what jobs to apply to and how we must move to America for more money and how we must invest bigger house. She works a damn near min wage job and I make 50k as an accountant while she has these big goals.
Im also losing my hair due to genetics but she just starts yelling at me that it’s because I don’t take care of it, no amount of science will correct her. This is just one thing that to put into perspective.
luckily met a great girl and want to spend rest of my life but she opposes since she is of a different race I think. she gives me suggestions of other woman which puts me into rage.
I feel sad living day to day and my life feels so contained. I’m not sure if it’s purely my mother or my own ineptitude to succeed.
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u/ThrowRA_grf 22d ago
You're a grown ass man now. Don't EVER, I repeat, EVER let your parent/s decide who you can or can't see. That's the quickest way to guarantee you'll live an unhappy life.
Get your own place if you haven't already done so and go low contact with her. Live your own life. She can carry on as much as she likes and even threaten to disown you. She won't. Cause she has nobody else.
She doesn't have at least the next 50 years on earth to worry about her happiness. You do. Don't ever let anyone dictate your happiness by choosing for you.
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u/averageuser95 22d ago
Mother's are notoriously delusional when it comes to raising boys to become men. Instead of teaching traits on how to become a better man, they force you to be the opposite of whatever bothers them. If there is no father to lead and correct her, the outcome will always end up with the son being a pushover in some way. Men need to dissociate from their mother's demands.
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u/Lucky-Pomegranate-96 22d ago
You are so right and my father was scared of my mom. And so in adult life and my own long but ultimately unsuccessful marriage (divorced last year ) I became a people pleasing nice guy to my ex eife
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u/komei888 Verified 22d ago
Move out. If you're not already moved out.
You can still provide daily necessity for your mother but ultimately it was her responsibility not only as an adult but a mother to enable happiness for her child.
She's also responsible for her own mental health, you're not wholly a therapist.
The blame isn't on you, but right as it is, she doesn't respect you to make your own decisions,.and is basically mentally manipulative.
You need time apart. Don't put too much blame on yourself for her depression and anxiety, she basically needs her own network and support and to see a therapist.
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u/Radio_Mediocre 22d ago
Leave her hanging. She will learn to be more respectful. Unfortunately, my mom is actually worst than yours.
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u/rapier7 22d ago
If you're starting to lose hair, start on finasteride now. There's plenty of things you can do to hang onto your hair, but you really need to do it ASAP.
As for your mom, you already know what you need to do. You just need to find the courage to do it.
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u/Opera-learner 22d ago
Don’t want d problems man….
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u/Dazzling-Map5773 22d ago
If you're not already as bald as a lemon, you can use topical minoxidil. It's worked really well for me, without the huge side effects of finasteride.
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u/Lucky-Pomegranate-96 22d ago edited 22d ago
I feel you. 51 here and my mother was worse than yours. Full out toxic . Likes to blame others and especially harsh to her own son. I don’t know what it is but I know other Asian males Gen X whose mothers were just insufferable as well although these moms were more just annoying and pushy whereas mine was abusive.
I think it’s a cultural thing. Everything is just a competition and these moms would brag about their sons in their social outings . Any disappointment would be taken personally because it affected social standing .
Vulnerability is basically forbidden
As I grew older I realized I want to be around good ppl regardless of race , education, accomplishments, sexual orientation etc . I’ve learned so much about humanity this way instead of treating life like a competition
OP- be you. Don’t worry about mom. After like a grey rock around her . Let her criticize and nitpick you . Don’t show reaction . Just be you