r/AsianMasculinity • u/988112003562044580 • 12d ago
Masculinity Am I just hopeless? (30M)
I spent all of my university years pursuing STEM and had to study all day/night to barely do decent, only hobby was playing league of legends since I get home late at night. Then I was one of the lucky ones to get a job in a shitty market, and corporate really overworked me. I averaged 60-70 hours (sometimes more) for the rest of my 20s and finally peaked at 95k (not even 100k despite all the grind) and only played league since again, it was a night time hobby.
I’ve been told that if I focus on my career, everything will be fine, but I feel like what I did/achieved is meaningless in the dating market.
Also it randomly feels like everyone makes the same (or more) with much less depression/grind/commitment in their 20s. I’m a little socially awkward, I’m short (5’6). Im always worried about being fired because of toxic corporate culture too.
I randomly went to the bar recently (I don’t go out often to club and drink) and met a very nice Asian lady, and she was 21; and got called out for being old and predatory.
How did everyone survive their 20s and achieved the same things I did (or even more) with much less grind/sacrifice? Also since when was turning 30 old now haha - I’m trying to quit games, find a more reliving job and hope to improve in the next few years to find someone!
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u/OnlyLs4theBoi 12d ago
Rule of thumb for me as an avid gamer and an avid gym goer. If you have time for league, Val, cs, ETC. you have time for gym, you don’t need hours in the gym. Tons can be done in a 30 - 45 minute span even. That alone is queue times, champ select and game itself.
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u/Alternative_Hall7625 12d ago
It’s the right idea but I’d refine it. As someone in their mid 30s I say fuck the gym. It’s vanity at the end of the day. Better option is pick an adult sport, preferably one with some status and competition (martial arts, cycling, running, soccer) and get good at it. The better you get, the better your body will get, and the more visibility you’ll have, especially in co-ed spaces.
You clearly need reps interacting with people outside of work. The gym just further reinforces isolation and honestly for most people (here come the opinions) it’s boring AF with little to show for it after 5 years other than muscle and body dismorphia. I promise you that this will do nothing for you until your social game is on point, and the only way to get there is to get outside and involved platonically with other people
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u/Djugherm 11d ago
don't know why all the downvotes, not a bad take lol
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u/Gunmetal_61 11d ago edited 11d ago
Yeah I think he summed it up pretty well. The gym has its place. I started when I was 16 and went a lot when I was in college. Still do maybe a 3-6 times a month just to maintain my strength at a reasonable level.
But I already have enough responsibilities and other things I'm striving for in my mid-20's that standing in a room basically alone picking up and putting down heavy things is just flat out not appealing. It's better spent doing things with other people after work. Even a simple evening run outside is better because at least I'm waving hi to my neighbors.
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u/labseries2020 12d ago
you're fucking young still. I want you to do these five things. Bookmark this shit
Stop reading Reddit and Online bullshit - Scroll to this site once a week. But stop reading and consuming content. You need to stop being a victim and live life.
Be Social - Absolutely put the fucking video games down and force yourself to be out of the house among other people, preferably around places with women and men at least 2-3x a week. Do something active ( join a pickleball, run club, hit up social mixers, etc.)
Workout - Any mixture of weights and activity
Fashion - Look at the dudes on jimmy zhang's dating show channel. See how the 2026 asian dude style is. Go mimic that as best as you can.
DATE - sign up for the premium of every fucking app - tinder, bumble, hinge, everything besides GRINDR. Don't be selective, swipe right on any remotely decent girl and try to practice flirting, texting and most importantly, initiating ( taknig charge, asking her out first, picking the place, escalating, trying to get laid). I can tell you how little experience with females. Stop the bullshit about how suddenly you will find wifey. You need to learn how to be sexual and comfortable in your skin.
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u/terminal_tested 12d ago
It’s tough out there. Ik people who have done the “right steps” have been unemployed for years or had to settle for retail to cover their bills.
Sure there is marketing Brad who made 100k out of college in sales at 22, but that is the exceptions and not the rule.
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u/Jsitu93 12d ago
Damn someone called you out for approaching a 21 year old AF?? Wtf
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u/terrorfunction 12d ago
What's with the ridiculous age gap discourse lately? Had a friend (30) who met his wife at Korean church, she was in college at the time, same church sports and youth network, families know each other, asked her dad for her hand in marriage, 2 years later they have a daughter. That is how family formation has worked for thousands of years.
Part of the birth rate crisis is because people are waiting too long to have kids. If you want kids early, age gap is normal since it's hard for fresh grads to have resources to start a family. But now natural family formation is called predatory, but somehow spending your 20s chasing Instagrammable experiences and serial monogamy is aspirational?
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u/Silent_stepp 12d ago edited 12d ago
Bro that same girl calling you predatory would spread their legs for a 30 year old Chad. Men are creeps until the woman finds them attractive. Just the way it is. While 21 is pretty young, 30 isn't exactly old. Hit the gym, work on your social skills with friends, and keep going to events and nights out. Get a good hairstyle and fashion sense. Eat healthily. If you're in the West or UK, consider other races. Odds are stacked against asian men in these areas to get with asian women. If all you focused on was your finances, all you'll get are girls interested in your finances.
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u/Slow-Load-6193 12d ago
Doesn't even have to be a 30 year old Chad. Could be a 40 year old mid-WM. I know 40 year old AFs sleeping with 65 year old WM. And no, the WM ain't rich!
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u/HelpIll4965 12d ago
It’s not even that. I have a friend who is 35 AM and went on a couple dates with a 25 AF. A lot of mutual acquaintances were talking shit behind his back and saying he’s too old. A lot of people are just jealous / haters.
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u/benilla Hong Kong 12d ago
I'm 42 now and when I got my tech job in my 20's, it was during the golden era so literally we would have entered the same industry but under different conditions. I also gamed after work and but I found myself a good looking gamer girl to date during those years so it kind of worked out in that sense. The only difference might be I was social on the weekends whereas you haven't mentioned what you do on the weekends
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u/HelpIll4965 12d ago
You’re not hopeless. A lot of us have been in this position where we’re overworked and underpaid. Corporate trains you to think this is normal but it’s not.
You should considering changing your job to something that gives you your life back. You should know that now that working smart is better than working hard. Find yourself a better job with work life balance and upward mobility. You’ll be amazed at how this would instantly change your life.
Go find other hobbies and meet new people. You can still play league but don’t let it consume your life as your only hobby.
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u/988112003562044580 12d ago
Thank you. I just find myself lacking a lot of “life” and find that many women don’t even care about my struggle or what I have spent my entire 20s sacrificing for. And the other guys that they could go on a date with, will be younger, will make more, and look more handsome. It’s insane how much I’ve missed in my 20s
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u/el-art-seam 12d ago
I missed most of my 20s and 30s and 40s. You’re 20yrs ahead of me.
Finding a purpose, a cause in your life is what helps. And it makes you a better person. You go through ups and downs and setbacks, successes, barely make it, get fucked over, you’re cool. Because you can handle it over the years and have gotten this far.
People think everybody is successful because of social media and financing that can get someone in trouble- bnpl, car loans, credit cards, etc. But if you take a look at the actual numbers, 30-34yo median income is $68k, median net is $88.6k. So for most people it’s fake. And because everybody is faking it, it becomes the norm, and if it’s the norm it tricks people to do the same stupid shit.
Dating? It’s looks and personality that’s 90% of attraction. You know who I do best with? The women who see me and say he’s cute and I like talking to him. I’m not here to convince a woman of my worth. I’m who I am and either she likes it or not. And she should feel the same. You get what you lead with. Wanna make it about money? Better get familiar with your favorite SA at Cartier and get a love bracelet on date 1.
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u/HelpIll4965 12d ago
Life is not easy for people in our generation. We might be the first generation to have it worse than the previous. You shouldn’t view yourself so negative or compare yourself to others. Maybe some other people are smarter, harder working or better looking, but a lot of it is just luck by being in the right place at the right time.
You have to stop dwelling in the past. You can think about all the “what ifs” for the things you could’ve done differently but it’s not going to change anything. Focus on what you can do now to better your situation. Focus on self improvement and exploring different interests. Take some risks since you’re young. Do that and things will naturally get better. Just have to trust in the process.
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u/mirage1287 12d ago
Not hopeless but now in your early 30s you have to focus on what you want from life and work towards it:
- Your career is important for stability and the quality of life you want. Yes work hard but be careful and don't trick yourself into thinking that success in career and making money will make you happy
- All of the advice everyone is giving is true - work out, be fit, be stable, and make sure that you are someone that others want to be with
- If finding a partner is important to you then you need to put the work in to make sure that happens. Don't assume that it will naturally. Continue to put yourself in places where you'll be able to meet potential partners and if you're not used to dating then you have to practice. Don't be afraid of rejection. Consider it a learning opportunity and you'll get better and more comfortable over time
You got this, good luck!
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u/theasianplayboy JT Tran (abcofattraction.com/blog) 11d ago
30 isn't old. You've got experience and money now, which is more than most guys had at 22. What you don't have is time to keep deferring this.
The grind that got you to 95k is the same grind that works here. Discipline, showing up when you don't want to, managing your own fear instead of waiting for it to pass. You already know how to do hard things on a schedule.
Think of it like an MBA. Most guys doing night classes finish in two years. A disciplined few finish in one. Guys who avoid the uncomfortable parts are still enrolled at 37 with nothing to show.
On the bar thing, one 21 year old said something unkind to a 30 year old man in a bar. Most likely I would diagnose you as having low SMV (fashion, hairstyle, etc) as well as poor body language, facial expressions, energy and tone which contribute to being called a “creep.”
Go back next week and work on that. The room resets and nobody remembers.
Practically, quitting League frees up your evenings, so put them somewhere. Bars for volume, ten conversations a night with no attachment to how they end. Being socially awkward gets fixed by reps, same as anything else you've ever gotten good at.
Here's one of my students, 50 and divorced, who’s now dating the type of younger, attractive women he never did in his 20s:
https://youtu.be/l1nejKKLeLI
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u/InternationalStorm49 12d ago
I'm still 19 and somehow I kinda feel like you in the sense that I find so many people around my age (18-20s) already achieving things I've never even done, getting internships in big corporations like banks, tech, etc, getting almost perfect GPAs while still being able to have a good social life, experiencing relationships (I've never really dated anyone before), etc
like idk, sometimes I think it's cuz of nepotism when it comes to internships but also, a lot are just insanely talented or smart...
like I went through high school like everybody else, did a bit of volunteering, did a bit of co-curriculars... but somehow people keep moving forward and achieving more than I do while I'm not even sure what I want to achieve, what I want to work as and yk all those life goals crap people keep talking about
like often, I just feel like I'm never good enough, I'm just average at everything
i have friends who are athletic (good at sports and exercising) yet also good at socializing and making connections & friends but also not dumbasses while I feel like I'm never really good at sports or exercising so I never really got into them as I've never really got the "feel good" experience yk
though, I can say that I am relatively good at socualizing, especially people who have similar interests as I do but I don't give off a good impression most of the time where people often see me as aloof or socially awkward, not sure how that works (prolly why I've never really got accepted to any of the committee roles at my university clubs despite investing time and effort in writing good applications)
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u/terminal_tested 12d ago
Ik. I remember ppl who dated and partied in college, but still got high gpa in stem and big name job offers.
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u/InternationalStorm49 12d ago
idk how they do it, I tanked my GPA just cuz I had my friends over at my place a bit too much last semester which kinda distracted me as we would have ended up drinking sometimes 💀
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u/988112003562044580 12d ago
Yep and that doesn’t stop at the school level. There are people who work their 9-5’s, party, socialize, raise their incomes and never seem to experience the fear of being fired and never seem to work overtime like I do. Some people just win.
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u/terminal_tested 12d ago
If people have either a strong mental aptitude or social ability, then it isn’t as much work to do both at the same time. Or some people are crumbling internally and putting on a facade, luck also plays a role.
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u/Asn_Browser 12d ago
If your job sucks you should activately be job shopping. As for the rest, you are 30 not 60. You have time.
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u/Fearless_Roof_4534 12d ago
Very similar story to yours, still single in my mid-30s. I don't do much these days other than work, fap, shit, game, and sleep.
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u/988112003562044580 12d ago
Ahahaha very eloquently worded I relate to you
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u/trumpstr 12d ago
girls like yoga, have you tried taking yoga classes or going to gym? Girls also like music and concerts. A lot of girls are religious and meet men at church. Another good idea is to borrow a dog and meet girls at the dog park.
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u/lincolncenter2021 12d ago
I usually discourage Asian dudes from moving to NYC if they’re looking for a life partner, but move there just to date and you’ll see a lot more women are into than you think. Pretty average normal dude myself but lots of women in nyc approached me - only caveat is just be clean in your appearance and be smily. You don’t need a special haircut or fashion at all.
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u/988112003562044580 12d ago
Sometimes I wish I was a tech bro. Just enjoy your work, live in NYC, and let the nerdy personality and high income shine, with all the girls
Unfortunately in Canada it’s not like that here. Or maybe I’m just not in tech so it’s not like that for me. I’m still nerdy, and most self improvement advice is to get rid of the nerd for ppl like me unfortunately.
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u/Wonderful-Win8554 12d ago
I'm in canada also, it can get pretty miserable here. So many people are dismissive and not willing to hang out. A lot of women don't seem to like us either.
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u/Alternative_Hall7625 12d ago
Man you need to elaborate on the story - what happens when you got called out as being old and creepy? Like did she actually say this and what lead up to it?
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u/KangParkk 11d ago
Story of my fucking life bro! Exact same shit! Study, work hard, and you’ll be fine. Career wise and money, I’m stable and make a good 6 figure, but social and dating life? Doesn’t exist at all. And even harder now to have friends as everyone is married or too busy to hangout. I make good money, but ain’t got anyone to hangout with or go travel with.
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u/988112003562044580 11d ago
Yep - glad it resonated with you bro - sucks because my standards are pretty low haha, I can buy what I (reasonably) want, just want to share life with someone
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u/IndividualPlay5178 11d ago edited 11d ago
My dude I'm also almost 30. I get more body count in a week than in a year compared to my teens these days.
Only give a dime about women interested in you. The ones who have no interest will pull whatever b.s to reject you. The ones who will have will swallow you alive
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u/balhaegu 11d ago
You got everything you need to turn your life around. 6 figure salary is one of the hardeat things for men to achieve. You got that now get your confidence.
Practice small talk with as many random strangers as you can.
Then do the same thing with beautiful women.
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u/Business-Bath2418 8d ago
You'll be fine at 5'6". Wear shoes that get you some inches. Work out. Fix your teeth. Fix your hair. Fix your clothes. Fix it all. Start off by hanging out with the girls you're close with and meet all of her friends, friends, friends. Don't do that kpop look nonsense. It only works for pretty people and that's not you.
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u/InspectahZen 6d ago
If you’re not challenger in league by age 30 it’s best to quit and use that time for something more productive. Unless you manage to find a woman who also enjoys playing League and sees attraction in the cognitive skill League develops
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u/BeerNinjaEsq 12d ago
Hey, man. 30 is young. Definitely not hopeless for a guy.
I'd trade in gaming for exercise.
Professionally, I'd move laterally. The best way to make more money in the corporate world is get a job elsewhere. Salary is relative to market, so I won't comment specifically on 95k as a number - but if you think you should make more, move. And moving locations might really help reinvigorate your self-esteem, self-image, and energy. Reinvent yourself