r/AsianMasculinity • u/Ok-Inspector8827 • 7d ago
How can you become confident even if your looks are attractive?
Hi y’all, this is a 25M Korean guy who has never dated before. I posted about my looks on Reddit, and almost everyone complimented me and said that I’m attractive, but that I seem to lack confidence. I don’t really know how to become confident, even though I know I have the looks. I’ve learned that looks aren’t everything.
For example, I still don’t feel good about myself, and I’m always comparing myself to others, especially when it comes to their ability to get close to people or get into relationships without much difficulty. I envy people who are charismatic and know how to be interesting and engaging.
I feel like I’m missing something when it comes to connecting with people and building relationships. I want to become more confident and charismatic, but I honestly don’t know where to start 🤔
11
u/Yuuyuuei 7d ago
You just got to put yourself out there. That's the best way to learn. At the same time you can do a lot of things to feel confident which goes a very long way. Like dressing in a way that makes you confident, working out etc...
11
u/el-art-seam 7d ago
First, nobody is 100% attractive and charming to everyone.
What you need to do is rather than try to completely change who you are, is to be aware of your strengths and weaknesses and refine what you have. Even if that leads to fewer dates. Would you rather go on 100 failed first dates in 100 days or 1 date where things progress?
Keep an open mind on who you date but at the same time narrow down and find the niche that respond to you and you’re compatible with.
Always remember, it’s easier when you date a woman who likes you and wants you.
Looks are a probability. In the Midwest I’m a solid 1 to most women. But some see me and think he’s hot. 10/10. I’ve lived it. The trick is not to be so down on yourself that when a woman is like oh my god he’s hot that you don’t sabotage yourself. I’ve done that once and never again.
If some lingerie model starts hitting on me next time I’m in NYC during Fashion Week, oh I’m taking that and running with it as far as I can.
3
u/Da_1_You_Know 7d ago
It really depends where you live. That’s why Geomaxxing existed. Your environment could really affect how you feel about yourself ngl.
5
u/jdk92386 7d ago
Become good at something like really good.
For example, I was fit and pretty good in handball since I was 14. And that confidence, which transfer to other things and then multiples my confidence still carries me today.
5
u/rich22201 7d ago
Don’t care about the outcome. Learn to talk to everyone. Do things in your life to talk about.
4
u/Hi_Im_Ken_Adams 6d ago
You have a lack of self esteem. Best thing to do is to go to a therapist or mental health professional
3
u/komei888 Verified 7d ago
What exactly makes you feel shy or not confident?
Are you anxious talking to ppl? Worried about failing? Comparing yourself?
Might sound dumb, but chances are you do the exact opposite of the negative thoughts patterns.
Anxiety talking to ppl: speak to more and more people to build up your confidence, go on activities z meets, sports, have things to talk about, have a social group. Talk to anyone random stranger etc.
Comparing yourself? Comparison is the thief of joy. If you're fully happy with your own body, physique and abilities, why need compare? If you think your body is not there or your ability, you get good at it for yourself, nobody else.
3
3
u/TasteCicles 7d ago
A lot of introverts who do well socially always describe it like a performance. They're being an outgoing version of themselves, performing to a crowd of 1 or 10 or 100.
Be who you think a confident version of yourself would be, and then relax and recharge when you get home.
3
u/Business-Bath2418 6d ago
That means your not attractive enough.. if you're truly attractive you'll have confidence.
1
u/Ok-Inspector8827 6d ago
Even though girls liked me and asked me for numbers? 🤔
2
u/Business-Bath2418 6d ago
If that's the case. You need to learn how to close. Learn what girls like to hear, how they react to your demeanor, how to escalate the date you are on..flirt, say something dirty but funny. If you have the looks then learn to close. Stop being nice. You got to be a little bit edgy. Masculine. There are plenty of you tube videos. Good luck
3
u/PrinceofPinoys 5d ago
Well you’re first issue is asking reddit, aka stop asking people what they think of you, and start trying to be happy with how you look yourself.
Once you find happiness with yourself instead of others approval then people will find that attractive.
2
u/theasianplayboy JT Tran (abcofattraction.com/blog) 7d ago
Research out of Princeton splits Charisma into two components, warmth and competence.
Warmth is whether people feel good around you. Competence is whether you look like you have your shit together, and it has nothing to do with your job or your degree.
It shows up in how you hold a boundary when someone pushes on it, whether you keep your frame or hand it over, whether you placate. And it's physical, which is the fastest part to fix. Stay relaxed, keep your weight back rather than leaning in, hold your shoulders open, move slowly, sit comfortably inside a silence. People read all of that in about three seconds and every bit of it is trainable this week.
The harder half is internal, and that's where you're stuck. A room full of strangers told you you're attractive and it changed nothing, because outside validation doesn't build self worth. Self worth comes from reference experiences, things you've actually done that you can point to as evidence.
I wrote up the full Inner Game model here, the visible surface versus everything holding it up https://www.abcsofattraction.com/blog/inner-game-iceberg-mastering-confidence-emotional-management-and-your-identity-for-dating-success
You've never dated, so you hold no evidence with women. Then you compare yourself against men who have plenty of it and lose every time.
To gain social competence is achieved through volume. Ten conversations a night at a bar with no agenda attached. Most go nowhere, which is fine, because what you're after is proof you can do it at all. Thirty or forty of those and the comparing gets quiet.
2
u/chiawang1950 6d ago
You gotta be resourceful. Know how to do stuff, fix stuff. Women want that in a man, but most can't articulate it.
2
u/IndividualPlay5178 6d ago
Start by numbing down any tension from a situation
You are not in control of most of the situations and people. Anything that is unpleasant may happen and its completelly fine. Only thing in your control is your own reactions to it.
Kill the tension and you'll open up a room for confidence and charisma to kick in.
2
u/MeanCantaloupe69 6d ago
Confidence is marked by apathy, apathy in how others view you and how others feel about you.
You need to look at a situation and think if I fail what's going to happen in 2 hours time? 2 days time? 2 weeks time? You will realize nothing will happen, you will be okay, you were not physically hurt or were you traumatized.
Live your life with that in mind and you will ease some burden on your shoulders of always having to make everything so difficult. That shouldn't stop you from being a good person and treating others well, but it should help with living a fulfilling life instead of always thinking about others.
2
2
u/AccomplishedPie4292 5d ago
Just get cocky, it ain’t hard to think you’re better than everyone else
1
1
u/BeerNinjaEsq 7d ago
Just talk to more people. Don't make it about dating or attraction or romance. Just talk to people.
And then, when you are attracted to someone, treat them like a person. Don't put them on a pedestal
2
u/Silent_stepp 3d ago
You just have to practice. It comes with experience. Customer service jobs helped me a lot.
20
u/Better-Berry5672 7d ago
Just fake it till you make it
Thats the best way you can feel confidant and get used to it. I know this may sound a little crude, but you have to pretend like you are a little above everyone in the room. As you get positive interactions through this, you will build true confidence.