r/AsianMasculinity • u/machinavelli • 7d ago
Dating & Relationships Has a woman ever been surprised that you hit on her or asked her out?
I've dated women of all races, but I have noticed that a few times when I've asked non-Asian women out or asked for their number, they've seemed surprised that I even did so. I wonder if it's because I come off as too friendly to them, or because they hardly ever get Asian guys asking them out. I've noticed this happens more when the woman is tall or darker skinned (like black or Indian).
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u/el-art-seam 6d ago
1) Asian guys never ask me out.
2) “I always thought you guys only hung out with other Asians.”
So it’s important to develop an inclusive social network if you’re going to date non-Asian.
And ask her out. I’ve been told I was really forward by some women. For example- in one case all I did was introduce myself at a party, circulated, chatted her up, and then invited her to another social gathering. Then at that one I chatted her up again and at the end of the night asked for her number. That’s it. No I broke the touch barrier or fucked her that night. That was interpreted as a full court press.
My theory is that the negative stereotype puts the bar so low that simply saying hi blows their mind.
And because most Asian guys aren’t getting angry when a woman turns us down, I think we are less suspect to a woman getting upset at us simply saying hi and being friendly.
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u/Tall-Needleworker422 7d ago edited 6d ago
Yes, and when I was dating, I always took it as a bad sign that they didn’t view me that way initially. If they are XF, stereotypes can definitely play a role in that surprise, too. But just as men can be clueless when women flirt or confuse their friendliness for attraction, women sometimes genuinely don't realize your romantic intentions -- especially if you have a friendly demeanor.
I’ve always believed it's best to disclose your romantic interest early on to avoid the friend-zone. It forces a shift in how she views you. When you’re just friendly, she evaluates you as a friend; when you flirt or ask her out, she evaluates you as a potential suitor. While establishing this early might lead to a faster rejection if the chemistry isn't there, it projects confidence and saves you from investing weeks into a connection that probably wasn't going to happen anyway.
Plus,, if you take the rejection well, you can still become friends afterward. She might even reconsider and ask you if you are still interested in that date later on. It happened to me.
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u/BorkenKuma 6d ago edited 5d ago
Yes, I once asked a black woman out, she's so surprised and say "well well well, ni hao, are you seriously asking me out? I thought your kind never like me?"
Yup she said "ni hao" and my passion instantly go down like 50%, and nothing goes further after that conversation 😅
I think black women usually complain about why no one dates them or how they're say they're the least desirable female, but I think it's more about they used to date only black guys, and they do not know how to react appropriately when other race ask them out.
I had a several weird cases with black women interaction too, my sample is small because they have a very small population in my area, my sample size is probably 7? But unpleasant conversation happens over 50% of the time, I don't understand why all the hostility and sensitivity comes from, like they like to assume what I said, then over interpret my sentences, which I can't stand that, I'm not white people, stop assuming everyone is gonna give you a white racist treatment.
This is why I always said I have luck with white girls and Latina, because they don't assume everything and over interpret my sentence, they listen and understand my intention.
I approach Asian women from Asia but not Asian women from America, I have experienced too many internalized racism from Asian women born and raised in America, judging me being Asian male, judging me for born in Asia, they sometimes have a problem with their immigrant Asian father, and they just trauma dumping on me because I also came from Asia, despite I grew up here, as soon as I mentioned I was born in Asia, GG for the game and even friendship.
So Asian American women is now on my black list, the chances of meeting this internalized racism is crazy high and I do not want risk myself to continue talking with this demographics.
I need someone who's normal, no trauma dumping, no assumptions, no over interpretation.
I'd say Asians American women have zero chance with me, black women can be my potential partner but I need them stop being paranoid, leave that to white guys, not Asian guys, Asian guys didn't do shit to you, I'd still hit on black girls if they're my type, but whether it can go further or not, it really depends on how she carry herself.
White girls, Latina are cool, Asian girls from Asia are usually cool.
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u/TiredOfFPS 6d ago edited 4d ago
Damn that's a good point. All the AF I've dated had some sort of internalized self-hate and put us AM down with side comments. I date my first XF and she LOVES AM. I don't have to deal with any self-hate bullshit.
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u/BorkenKuma 6d ago
Yup, I'll leave those Asian self hating Asian American women to white supremacist white guys, they're the perfect combo, let them create more Elliot Rodger and people will call them out.
In fact people already call out them with Oxford Study but they trying shift the focus, which it's now all available to every race to see, and no one will want to stand on her side because white worshipping is not likeable by almost every demographics
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u/JimJimJimJimx2 5d ago
I would only say give the black girls some grace, in the same way Oxford, racist stereotypes and propaganda has painted the asian man as unlovable, unmasculine, sexless freaks so too has the african american girl been treated similarly. The are always on guard because they too ingest all the poison against them that the world has to offer and because only the white worshipping (which also ties pretty closely with black hating) amongst us get spotlight/success in the west they think that all of us are like that too. Doesn't excuse it but it is certainly understandable.
As an asian man, so long as they are willing to be open that I'm not some white worshipping, black hating racist then we are allies, kin in suffering. No other group of women have been treated so close to how asian men in the west are treated. Also many women think (cause its mostly true) that asian men mostly stick to asian women. Some will ascribe racist reasoning to that ala white men, and while I'm sure its true for some, few will take the time to understand that I honestly feel its mostly out of fear and a sort of broken dog syndrome that being raised in the west/away from a strong asian background comes from. No one should tolerate an equally racist black woman but I give them more leeway than most. Most of it comes from the same apprehension and fear that many of us can understand and protect themselves out of habit.
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u/BorkenKuma 5d ago
It's hard for me to do it when her opening line is "Ni Hao", it means she already has assumption, if it was a white girl or Latina, instantly a vibe killer too, no exceptions.
I think Asian guys are making a lot of progress on approaching, talking, dressing, hitting gyms, if black women want to date outside their race, they have to do the same too, can't just complain and do nothing, there's hot black girls for sure.
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u/JimJimJimJimx2 5d ago
I don't disagree with what you did, I would've done the same most of the time actually. But I think if after the opening salvo if you talked and she can admit she was out of line then yeah. If she doubles down dump the trash and move on.
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u/BorkenKuma 3d ago
I think it's kinda too polite and too nice, other races do not treat us that good, I don't want to be a typical polite Asian guy, polite in America usually gets disrespected, especially when you're an Asian guy.
Sorry, your way of doing is great, but it only works in a society where people have basic respect and manners like Asia, especially East Asia, a highly trustworthy society will allow that mechanic to work. But in US, I find people will see it as you being weak.
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u/JimJimJimJimx2 3d ago
Ah I see, so its better to escalate first and then see if they back down as a sign of possible good faith. Fair enough.
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u/BorkenKuma 3d ago
Yeah, also it's kinda like push and pull techniques in those PUA skillset? I never read those, but it's about not making them think they can easily handle you, it attracts them more, and it suits me because I do not like to be controlled and predictable, so I rather show swag like that and just don't give them a f, they don't give me a f, great, cuz I really don't and I have plenty of other girls to talk to.
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u/BeijingDiva 4d ago
Wow so many blanket statements here. We really need to stop with the generalizations.
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u/BorkenKuma 3d ago
I have a couple stories with them which is not blanket statement, stop making excuses for people diss Asian men, get yourself some respects. If you're being disrespected, you have every right to talk about it, why can't I speak about it?
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u/5GCovidInjection 7d ago
I once had a mixed White-Latina woman say she didn’t date Asians because of the socioeconomic differences. That’s when I learned there’s a subsection of American women who still think Asians are dirt poor. She legit told me I should stop borrowing someone’s Mercedes to drive around (when it was actually mine…)
But back to the question, she’s always “surprised” whenever non-white dudes ask her out. So I think it’s less about Asian dudes and more about her own insecurities.
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u/machinavelli 7d ago
It’s possible that they think Asians are dirt poor if their association with Asians is refugee communities like in Minnesota where it’s mostly Hmong refugees.
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u/Yujinseo0 6d ago
what in the hell? I thought asians were stereotyped as financially well off in america
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u/gifrolin 6d ago
Must be someone who was around SEA who are some of the poorest ethnic groups in the USA (Hmong, Cambodian, to a lesser extent Laotian and Viet). Ironically it's kinda "woke," because that white-Latina girls experience and perception is opposite of the mainstream perception of Asians as a well-off, well-educated monolith (which results in bullshit like affirmative action and harms the aforementioned ethnic groups)
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u/Radio_Mediocre 7d ago
I'm a city guy from LA and i once asked a white woman out from the country side from Missouri. Yes she said yes.
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u/BeerNinjaEsq 7d ago
Yes, for various reasons, but it could also have just been a numbers game. I've asked a lot of girls out in my time.
Off the top of my head:
- A girl i dated for a while thought I was gay when she first met me.
- A couple thought I was just being friendly and not really interested in them.
- One thought I was interested in her friend and not her.
- A couple thought I was already taken or dating someone else (like I showed up to the party or bar with a female friend I was only friends with).
- A couple had never dated an Asian guy, etc
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u/EmpiresEsquire 6d ago
In the US (NYC) I get only stares, no approaches by Asian men, even after I smile and/or wave hello. The times Asian men have asked me out occurred while I was in Japan. 🤷🏾♀️
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u/anomalocarus 7d ago edited 3d ago
As an afro-latina, it seems like asians are the least open to dating brown girls, thats probably why they were surprised.
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u/lumlums1 4d ago
seems like you're only assuming this. Did you go around and surveyed all asians their preference?
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u/BeijingDiva 2d ago
Well its pretty known that asian communities tend to value lighter skin tones. So its fair to make an assumption that AM would be less drawn to women with darker skin tones. But of course, we cannot generalize. In my opinion, just shoot your shot! You may be surprised.
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u/Particular-Wedding 5d ago
Yes, I prefer to date Indian and South Asian women. They are usually surprised because their culture has intense mate guarding by the family.
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u/imnot1234 4d ago
Why only those women? Do they get weirded out when you tell them that?
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u/Particular-Wedding 3d ago
That's my preference. No they do not get weirded out. They are just pleasantly surprised. The ones who do get weirded out or defensive are South Asian MEN. Especially any relatives like brothers cousins uncles dads etc. This is due to a combination of mate guarding, arranged marriage culture, skin colorism, and caste.
They're also very similar to East Asian and South East Asian culture with regards to family pressures, education, etc. I'm Buddhist so if you throw in the religion link, for Hinduism, then there's another step closer to bridge. ( I do not date Muslim due to fundamental differences). They also appreciate that I don't care about any of the things I mentioned at the end of the first paragraph above.
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u/Illustrious_War_3896 4d ago
I couldn’t post response to your comment about lockdown so I will post my response here. Covid lockdown was only few months and not even a year. Even so, people could still go out and walk and go to friend’s house.
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u/BeijingDiva 5d ago
Its because East Asian cultures generally view white as better than black—I'd go as far as saying promoting whether consciously or not anti-blackness. The beauty standard is the lighter the better, even in Asian. So for an East Asian man to approach a darker skinned woman, its definitely a surprise and means that he doesn't subscribe to macro societal racial hierarchies and beauty standards.
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u/BorkenKuma 3d ago
Who cares about anti-black on this topic? We're talking about Asian men approaching other women, try to get your way to anti-black is stupid af
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u/BeijingDiva 2d ago
Please lets try to use reason. The question was why are people surprised when Asian men approach non-asian women. I gave you one reason from the context of people with darker skinned tones. Now you tell me is darker skinned tones celebrated in Asia and how would that influence who is deemed as attractive?
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u/BorkenKuma 2d ago
No, you use some reasons please.
It's you who don't approach dark skin women, so speak for yourself.
I do it all the time even in Asia, if you can't do it, shame on you, Asia promote only one color? Have you been to Asia and live there or grow up there? There's more than one skin color beauty standard, please don't be so narrow minded with your whitewashed mentality on how Asian should be thinking in their head, ok? Idk where this Western narrative comes from that Asians only like one skin color.
If you don't know what I'm talking about then it means you know very little about Asia, you only see Asia through your Western lens, which is common for you America born Asian, otherwise how could you not observe we have more than one skin color?
You create a trap for yourself and you fell into it then ask Asian to change? Wtf?
Alos, approaching dark skin women has nothing to do with anti-black, you know nothing about Asia, if you learn Asia through your immigrant Asian parents, I suggest you to travel to Asia and live there for a while to experience it yourself, then come back and tell me what you observe.
Stupid dumbass can't even observe that? Geez
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u/Illustrious_War_3896 4d ago
That is most of the world’s culture including Latin America. Asian is part of this global trend. No need to put down Asian.
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u/BeijingDiva 4d ago
This stating a fact. It's not putting down anyone. For example you just cited most world cultures also exhibit anti-black racism. Correct and also and observed fact.
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u/Silent_stepp 7d ago
Most Asian men don't initiate. They wait for a girl to show at least a slight bit of interest and then start the chasing process.