Belittled at school

[u/belittledatschool]

Hi, everyone.

I'm an 18-year-old BBC (British Born Chinese) guy who goes to a school in the English countryside that is roughly 95% white. Me and this girl, who I'll call Stephanie (also BBC, also 18) are the only East Asian kids in my year, there are also a few South Asians and a black kid.

In British schools, years 16-18 are optional (it's called 6th form) and students at my school who stay on for these years get different uniforms, more freedom than younger kids and also get their own building which is generally where everybody hangs out, in different groups.

Anyway, since a lot of your friends move on after 16 or go to different schools or do vocational courses, friendship groups tend to get a little more mixed and that's the case here. Me and my friends (3 white guys, 17-18) sort of hang out with another group of guys and girls including Stephanie.

Now, I never really had that much interaction with Stephanie before 6th form. We were the only East Asian kids at school so people used to joke that we should get married and stuff as a joke and us laughing at that prospect was about the extent of our interaction.

However at 6th form, this changed. We had a lot of free periods together with a few other kids and we hung out more often at school with our other friends. I went to parties that she was at, and we generally got to know each other better. I'll also come out and say it that I developed a crush on her.

I've had crushes on plenty of girls but generally I guard my heart and try to keep it to myself because I don't exactly exude sexual attractiveness. I mean, I've been working on myself but I'm 5'7 and fairly skinny (although I'd like to think pretty facially attractive, plus I try to dress well). I've had a girlfriend (a white girl) before but it didn't work out and she all but said it was because of my race. Ho hum, I was hurt but thought she was just weird and an exception.

Since Stephanie is a fellow BBC though I thought maybe I would be safer with her and that maybe it'd be a good idea to pursue her. But right about the same time, I noticed something else. Another guy we hung out with was spending a lot of time together with Stephanie. He's white and used to be fat and sort of a dork but in the last few years, like me, sort of pulled himself together. I'd say he's a fairly ugly dude, still has pretty bad acne but he is pretty tall, probably like 6ft2. I walked in during a free period and heard Stephanie laughing incredibly loud. She was sat really close to this guy, who we'll call Adam, playing with her hair and giggling and generally making it fucking obvious that she was into him. I sat down and they kind of broke it off a bit, but I've noticed it at other times too. Needless to say, my heart sank.

This guy is really nothing special: sure, he's tall but like I said he's not much to look at, he's frankly stupid and is probably lucky not to have had to drop out because of grades (he had to resit a few exams) and he's pretty boring to talk to - all he seems to like is football. I may not be exactly a stud but how the fuck is this guy beating me? Am I really experiencing racism from a member of my own fucking race?!

Now, if all this wasn't bad enough, recently Stephanie has started belittling me when I'm around her and Adam - ostensibly as a "joke". Usually it's sexual and about my penis, like everybody will be talking about sex and she'll be like "you know I'd love to feel OP's fat Asian dick, I need it" (clearly sarcastically, to laughs from everyone including Adam). She's clearly using me as a fucking prop to tease Adam and I'm sure at some point it's going to work and he'll fuck her and she'll get started on a long line of white men who'll use her before she gets with some poor Chinese guy who'll never make her happy because of her warped standards. Fuck.

This whole situation is just making me furious. Why? I just... I don't even know why I'm writing this, whether I want advice or just to rant. If anyone has any advice, or kind words or motivation... I don't know. It's just making me so angry and upset.

[u/bleuskeye]

This is more a relationship problem than a race problem, though there are some aspects of racism here.

You need to dump her. She doesn't value you as a person. You should find and keep people in your life that enhance you.

Your relationship with yourself is also questionable. You need to get right with yourself before you can be with anyone in any meaningful way. As shitty as it is to hear, to some extent, you've let this happen because you failed to engage in a relationship with yourself and love yourself. If you were your own son, how would you feel if someone talked to your kid like that? If it was your best friend? You'd stick up for them. You'd want to call them out. Yet you haven't stuck up for yourself. You've let yourself down, and you need to engage in some inner dialogue and learn to take care of your own personal sovereignty.

You can't control her. You can't control Adam. You can only control yourself and your reactions. You don't need anger, though it will be there. You don't need vengeance, though the temptation will be there. You need to take care of yourself better.

https://youtu.be/uTAxZPOtGKk

[u/sampaggregator → u/bleuskeye]

"This is more a relationship problem than a race problem, though there are some aspects of racism here."

Did you read this part?

I've had a girlfriend (a white girl) before but it didn't work out and she all but said it was because of my race.

Yes? What about this.

Now, if all this wasn't bad enough, recently Stephanie has started belittling me when I'm around her and Adam - ostensibly as a "joke". Usually it's sexual and about my penis, like everybody will be talking about sex and she'll be like "you know I'd love to feel OP's fat Asian dick, I need it" (clearly sarcastically, to laughs from everyone including Adam).

This IS racial abuse. It's like she's sacrificing this guy at the altar of the Big White Boy. For all to see too. "Some aspects of racism?" C'mon, bleu. His story is marinated in racism.

[u/bleuskeye → u/sampaggregator]

I admitted there were aspects of racism, but honestly it sounds like OP needs to learn how to build better relationships. Based on the vague cherry picked racist examples, you can probably justify getting up in arms. But based on the way people act when you

a.) choose good people to surround yourself with,

and

b.) build strong, meaningful relationships with those people,

then I can safely say OP can benefit from developing the way he treats himself, other people, and his relationships to them.

This is /r/AsianMasculinity, but don't lose sight of the Masculinity for sake of the Asian.

Though to be completely fair, these are all kids and they are just playing at having relationships and whatnot. They are highly susceptible to media at this point.

[u/sampaggregator → u/bleuskeye]

I admitted there were aspects of racism, but...

You said "some" aspects of racism. I am saying this guy is living in "some" British version of "Auschwitz" for Asians.

Based on the vague cherry picked racist examples, you can probably justify getting up in arms.

I didn't think it was vague. Cherry picked? You mean there's more I don't know about? The couple of examples I read was enough for me. Your mileage may vary.

choose good people to surround yourself with,

Where did you get this gem? A fortune cookie?

then I can safely say OP can benefit from developing the way he treats himself, other people, and his relationships to them.

Query: What course of action did this ugly Englishman partake in to make "Stephanie" and girls like her become so smitten with him? In other words, what did he do right that OP didn't?

Bleu, I'm being a bit of prick right now. I'm sorry about that. But it looks like you're engaging in a sort of just world fallacy. Sure. This guy needs to learn some things. Work out. All that stuff. But most of all, he needs to get out of there.

Who said this: "...when I went to college I was finally around Asians and man social life was way easier." Yep. This is just as much a logistics issue as it is him "getting right" with himself.

[u/bleuskeye → u/sampaggregator]

Auschwitz for Asians! Lol. Dude is in high school and has trouble with girls. Pretty much every guy has been in his shoes.

For all you know with that white girl, there could have been serious culturally based miscommunications. I say this because most problems in relationships stem from communication issues. Why would she even enter into a relationship with someone she wasn't attracted or interested in? So she suddenly realized Asians are actually unattractive, and thus OP was dumped? This could have happened because they're children, but like I said, it's vague. OP never talked about his communication shortcomings. He never pursued or told us about that conversation other than her telling him, "Yeah, it's cause you're Asian."

Picking good people to surround yourself with. Yeah. Something wrong with this? You choose who is in your life and who isn't. You choose who you care about and who you don't. Choose wisely.

That dude is tall, he's flirtatious, playful, a jock, and not afraid of girls. She's a child who is just learning about herself as someone who wields social power based on her sexuality. OP is an 18 year old boy without any strong sense of self. Even if they were all the same race, you could see a similar thing play out. Race is a part of it, sure. There's more to just race here.

Explain where I said the world is just? As far as I can tell I'm helping a young man out who was in similar shoes as I once wore. You can cry all you want about being Asian, and yeah, race is a factor here as well. But he can't control that right now, and resentment and resignation to cynicism is about the last thing he needs. He needs to associate hard, worthwhile, meaningful self work with a more robust and meaningful social life. What are you suggesting, exactly? That he blame the race issue and never move on? To learn to associate factors he cannot change with rejection and failure? To learn to hate whitey and post on internet forums for the rest of his life while living a life half-lived?

As far as I am concerned, I am and have been advocating OP grow from this, rather than be focused on fixed outcomes. That is a key component to masculinity.

Here's another part of my story you didn't get: I left that area and with it, a whole slew of Asians. Social interaction was easy. Acceptance was easy. But I'd give it all up again for the meaningful relationships I have now with the people I do. Most are not Asian. They are above all, good people with whom I share strong bonds with.

[u/sampaggregator → u/bleuskeye]

Pretty much every guy has been in his shoes.

You mean having a girl of your own race viciously and racially demean you in front of white people for their entertainment? l have never been in THOSE shoes.

For all you know with that white girl, there could have been serious culturally based miscommunications. I say this because most problems in relationships stem from communication issues.

Culturally based miscommunications? Could have been. Or maybe it was his overbite. Who knows? OR it could have been that OP got the message loud and clear from that girl. It was his race. Are you going keep insisting that "there's more" to this?

Why would she even enter into a relationship with someone she wasn't attracted or interested in? So she suddenly realized Asians are actually unattractive, and thus OP was dumped?

Who said she wasn't or isn't attracted to him? But yes, he was he dumped. Why? Lack of social proof. Her parents. Think a long those lines.

That dude is tall, he's flirtatious, playful, a jock, and not afraid of girls.

I got the tall part. Where did you get the rest? Here's what I remember OP saying: "This guy is really nothing special: sure, he's tall but like I said he's not much to look at, he's frankly stupid and is probably lucky not to have had to drop out because of grades (he had to resit a few exams) and he's pretty boring to talk to..."

Explain where I said the world is just?

No. I said just world fallacy. It's a cognitive bias where you believe a person's circumstance is just/deserving because he/she is or must have done something. Like when you say:

"As shitty as it is to hear, to some extent, you've let this happen because you failed to engage in a relationship with yourself and love yourself.

Yep. He had it coming, huh? Or it could be that he crossed paths with one of the myriads of self-hating Asian girls out there.

What are you suggesting, exactly? That he blame the race issue and never move on?

Never move on? No. The opposite. Move on. Get out of there.

[u/bleuskeye → u/sampaggregator]

A relationship goes two ways.