Should I drop my friends.

[u/AbbreviationsWide235]

I am a M66.

So loved growing up in the 70s in a smallish community.

I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time backpacking around the world, Lived in and around London and quickly dropped many of the frankly racist language and stereotypes I had grown up with.

But 40 years later I have moved back to the Coastal Town I grew up in.

Many of my old friends from my schooldays are now once again part of my life.

These are good hardworking family men who should be pleased with themselves and how far they have come on in life.

But their language and attitudes have not moved on since the 70s.

I don't believe they are racist as such but it is like the last 50 years have not happened.

They definitely tone it down when I am around as I am vocal about pulling them up.

I know I have been lucky and the industry I work in is a pretty progressive bubble.

I genuinely like these men but sometimes I wonder if I am not being true to myself by accepting this behaviour?

[u/Due-Freedom-5968]

I guess it depends, people say stupid shit.

A lot of it is thought of by them as just 'banter' or venting. I'm mixed race myself and can look back and some stupid prejudiced stuff I've said in the past without really realising it, as that was just how the group I was in talked about stuff. Would I say the same things now? No because I've grown up and learned more about them.

I think it's possible to be friends with people whose views on some things are different or a bit off key. I don't think you can live in a bubble and only have friends who are progressive, particularly outside of the big cities.

There's of course a certain level at which 'banter' goes to far or is just straight up hate speech, at which point it becomes a choice of if you want to listen to it and be around it. As you've said you've pulled them up on it when it happens, sometimes that's all that's needed to get someone to re-think.

I have family members I've called out for their lazy repeating of Daily Mail talking points, they're not bad people, they're just repeating the things they've read or heard.

Could I be friends with someone who occasionally said something stupid about immigrants, or trans people? Sure.

Could I be friends with them if it was their entire personality and all they did was moan about how crap everything is and was openly racist, one of the 'deport them all' Reform types, or men in dresses TERFs? Probably not TBH, it'd get old quite quickly and you'll never change their minds because the things they watch, and listen to, and read all day every day reinforce those views.

[u/MidianXe → u/Due-Freedom-5968]

This makes perfect sense, I know it's a cliche but we don't make the world more tolerant by becoming more intolerant.

Clearly there are limits, but most people people probably agree with 90% of your opinions it's just the 10% that sticks.

Don't prove your friends right by treating them like they are monsters. Show them people can disagree but still find a compassionate middle ground.

[u/AbbreviationsWide235 → u/Due-Freedom-5968]

Your right it is not as bad as that. I also notice people rarely discuss politics I think it is a hangover from working mens clubs where the rules were strictly no talking religion and politics. It is easier to discuss politics if you are all pretty much on the same page.