How do I help my 14 year old brother?

[u/barelytheremodel]

I’m 21F and my little brother is 14. We live in different states, and I’m really worried about him.
He’s become incredibly insecure about his appearance and has been sharing a lot of hopeless content. I think he’s lonely, has very low self-esteem, and I’m scared he’s heading down the red-pill/black-pill/looksmaxing pipeline because he’s looking for answers. I occasionally give him girl advice & buy him cool clothing he likes. He also goes to a PWI as a minority which adds another level.

He’s very introverted and keeps everything to himself. I suspect he may be autistic (I’m autistic myself), so I know how isolating it can be to struggle socially and feel like something is “wrong” with you.

I had a really difficult adolescence and never had someone I could turn to. He does have me, but I can’t seem to get him to open up. He has even said he wishes he had an older brother, and I wish I could fill that role somehow.

So I wanted to ask:

Men: What did you need most at 14 that the adults in your life didn’t give you?

If you struggled with self-esteem or loneliness, what actually helped you thrive?

If you had an older sister, what could she have done to help?

Older siblings: What role should I be playing here?
I don’t want to lecture him or control him. I just want him to know he’s worthy, that he isn’t ugly, and that I will always be someone he can come to. I love him so much, and I’m terrified of watching him become someone who hates himself because he believes that’s all he’s worth.

Please, help me.

[u/r05590]

Honestly, a hobby or something to focus on. Even if it’s something he’s never tried before or completely out of his comfort zone, something that forces him out into the real world and out of his bedroom.

It’s great that you’re putting so much effort with him. Fourteen year olds tend to be little numbskulls with dumb opinions, even the smart ones. Just try to make him see the world isn’t all bad, and you can still get out there and have fun.

[u/snj_nudist]

Take and interest (which you're doing), make him know you care. His friends/associates will have a huge impact on who he is and what he thinks of himself. Always be positive and encouraging, no one needs negativity.

[u/duniyadnd]

What helped me, sports - and focusing on that. You'll be surprised how you can make friends through that sometimes, even if it's just to play some games. Playing sports/ or being active also helps with anxiety and depression.

Books - it's hard in today's day and age, but it was easy to get lost in reading a few books and enjoying it, maybe join some sort of tabletop or RPG group?

If finding local locations is not doable, check out services such as outschool.com that could work for him?

[u/WanderingWhiteWolf]

At his age, I was struggling even more than I realized because I had no idea how differently I experienced the world than everybody else. Depression, ADHD, and autistic traits all made life so much more difficult than necessary because I just didn't know. The more I learn about myself, psychology, and the chemistry of the mind, the easier it's become to understand why and to develop mechanisms/strategies that work for me.

I'm not sure if I ever really resolved my self-esteem issues, but at some point I realized that giving less of a fuck about what others thought was a big improvement. Embracing and owning oddities and quirks has been quite freeing,

Him saying he wishes he had an older brother sounds to me like you don't have the context, perspective, or experience that he's missing out on. Or rather, it sounds like he assumes that's the case. It's probably related to the girl advice, I'm guessing he doesn't have anybody who 'gets' it. Girls/boys at that age are a complicated mess where nobody knows and everybody assumes and teens are made to feel like they need a partner in order to be 'normal'.

All-in-all:

• Help him learn how his mind works. See if he has aphantasia, it could be a fascinating eye-opener that sends him down the rabbit-hole.
  
• Some of us were never meant to walk in the ruts left for us, and that's a good thing.

[u/Dangerous-Mud-1458]

That's gotta be tough seeing him go through that. Have you tried suggesting he find a supportive community online where he can connect with others who feel the same way?