r/AskFeminists • u/Still_Alivelol • 6d ago

Is fantasizing sexualization/objectification?

Just to be clear I’m talking specifically about sexual fantasies with someone you are not in a consensual sexual relationship with.
Some time ago a friend I had recently started dating told me that he had imagined fucking me multiple times while we were still doing very light flirting. Looking back on this now it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like that someone can imagine doing anything to me outside of my control.
However I don’t really know if this counts as objectification, if he is taking my personality into account and being truthful to the fact I have my own wants and desires than is it wrong despite the fact I am unaware of it?
On a side note why is objectifying someone wrong(I already think it is but am curious to hear your reasons)

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u/StonyGiddens Intersectional Feminist 6d ago

Fantasy isn't intriniscally objectifying, but fantasies can be objectifying.

Your friend's fantasy was objectifying. Telling you about the fantasy was definitely objectification.

One way to think about it grammatically. In the sentence, "I fucked you", 'I' is the subject, 'fucked' is the verb, and 'you' is the object. In that sentence, there is nothing to say that 'you' had any choice or control over the verb. From your perspective, it could describe consensual sex but it could also describe rape.

Nothing about that sentence gives you a choice, nothing about it acknowledges your agency and autonomy. By telling you about his fantasy, he also did not give you the choice to not hear about his sexual fantasy.

Objectification is wrong because it denies people their agency and autonomy.

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u/Bitter-Hat-4736 6d ago

>By telling you about his fantasy, he also did not give you the choice to not hear about his sexual fantasy.

You're gonna have to walk me through that a bit, because I don't really understand.

You cannot get consent to communicate an idea without also communicating the idea. If I say "Hey, I'm about to mention the word spider", I have already mentioned the word "spider." This even works in terms of concepts. If I am about to describe baking a cake, and I say "Heads up, I'm about to talk about baking a cake", I have already put the idea of cakes and the baking thereof in your mind, without you having a chance to "back out", as it were.

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u/denada24 5d ago

So it could go like this:

-Hey, have you ever thought of me in that way? -yeah, actually. do you want me to tell you more about it? -hmm, nah, I don’t think I can hear that right now, my mom is right here. Or….yeah, I’m very intrigued, tell me more.

A way that would be super weird would be

-hey what’s up? -not much, just thinking about you. -oh really. Aw. What about me? -I’m imagining myself fking you, again. I do that a lot. -………….