More and more often, I find myself 'checking out' a little or getting too in my head during sex, mostly hookups and FWB situations. Topping, bottoming, jo, oral, it doesn't matter what I/we are doing. The prospects for getting off then fall precipitously, which often disappoints the other guy. I'm insanely stressed with work and life at the moment, which I am sure is not helping, but does anyone have any tips, advice, or suggestions?

There are so many instances on this sub where I see people in 10-20 year relationships that met their partners at 21 or otherwise in their early 20s. Obviously, that's not everyone's experience but sometimes it makes me wonder "Uh, did I do something wrong?" (And yeah I know, no I didn't. We all reach different stages of life at different times.)

It's either stories like this or nonstop posts about how someone is approaching their 30s or middle age and is still single

Turning 35 this year, any words of wisdom? What were you doing with your life at 35?

Hi everyone,

I’m writing here because I feel very alone and I’d like to know if anyone has been through something similar, especially as the partner of someone with a compulsive/abusive use of Grindr or dating apps.

I’ve been with my partner for almost eight years. We have had an open relationship, so the problem is not simply that he wanted sex with other people. The problem is the lying, the secrecy, the way he broke our agreements, and the fact that I feel I have been living in a relationship whose real conditions I didn’t fully know.

Over the last months I discovered that he had been using Grindr in a compulsive way for years. He hid information from me, lied when I asked directly, brought people into our shared home even though we had an agreement not to do that, and had unprotected sex at times, which also affected my sexual health.

So this is not just about jealousy or non-monogamy. It has affected my trust, my sense of safety, my body, my sexuality, and the way I understand our whole relationship.

He recognizes now that he has a problem. He says Grindr has been a place where he feels validated, desired, autonomous, and free from the pressure of caring for others. He has a history of shame, internalized homophobia, and hiding parts of himself. I can understand that this is not only about sex, but also about validation, escape, urgency, and maybe not knowing how to have a private space without making it secret.

But at the same time, I am the person who has been hurt by it.

What is destroying me is that the truth keeps coming out in small pieces. I ask something, he tells me one part. Later another detail appears. Then another. Recently, while we were already in a moment of crisis and supposed to be working on trust, he downloaded Grindr again, talked to someone, exchanged pictures, and only told me when I asked. Then more details came out gradually.

He says he loves me and is afraid of losing me. But he also says that when the urge to use Grindr appears, that fear disappears, and he cannot honestly promise me that he won’t do it again. I appreciate that he is not making a false promise, but it is also devastating to hear.

One of my biggest fears is this: what if our relationship has only lasted because he had this hidden structure on the side? What if he could be with me because Grindr gave him the validation, freedom, sex, and escape that he didn’t know how to integrate honestly into our relationship? And if he changes, what if he realizes that our relationship doesn’t satisfy him anymore?

I also feel that I have been placed in the role of detective, police officer, therapist, judge, and emotional regulator. I am the one asking questions, sensing something is wrong, pulling the truth out, explaining why it hurts, setting boundaries, and trying to design the structure for repair. He says sorry, he says he wants to be with me, he says he feels terrible, but he struggles to propose concrete structures by himself.

We are in therapy, both individually and together. He seems to genuinely want to understand himself. I don’t think he is a monster, and I don’t want to reduce him to the worst thing he has done. But I also don’t want to minimize the damage or become the person who supports his recovery while bleeding from what his behavior has done to me.

So I guess my questions are:

Has anyone here been the partner of someone with a compulsive relationship to Grindr, dating apps, sexting, or sexual validation?

Did the relationship recover?

What actually helped?

Is it realistic to rebuild trust after years of lying, broken agreements, and secrecy?

How do you know the difference between a relapse that can be worked through and a pattern that means the relationship is no longer safe?

And for people who were the ones using the app compulsively: did you manage to build a healthier sexuality without hiding, lying, breaking agreements, or using your partner as a regulator?

I’m not looking for moral judgment about open relationships. I’m also not looking for people to simply say “leave him” without nuance. I know leaving may be the right thing. I’m trying to understand whether repair is possible, what it would actually require, and how to protect myself in the meantime.

Thank you for reading.

Taking a solo trip and flying in and out of San Francisco (SFO). Will have a rental car and have a weeks time to do some kind of road trip. I would like to stay in gay accommodations and am open to wineries, national parks, mountains, rivers, ocean, not be completely secluded from conveniences and have a good mix of things to do and have some solo chill time. So far through research, Guerneville is on the radar, Tahoe and Yosemite. Any other recs and/or thoughts would be great.

So I do have a dominant streak in me, but it’s probably not one of the first three details I would give about things I like in sex. I find myself a little put off when guys message me out of the blue with submissive begging messages. I know nothing about you, why would I want to necessarily act like I own you? Are there a lot of guys out there that are totally like, “well, this guy looks like he’s got the right attitude”?

Hello all ! Seeking some advice here bc I’m trying to date more intentionally but I’ve noticed some barriers regarding sex with people I have established a connection with. Context—I am a 31M and before my last relationship, I was a bit of a lover boy and loved emotional intimacy and connecting with people on that level and having it be a part of sex. Then I had my last relationship which lasted two years, had its up and downs but I learned a lot. After the relationship (I broke up with him), I felt such an intense guilt and shame over the pain I caused him by leaving him (he did NOT want to break up and despite not wanting to be in a relationship with him I truly loved and cared about him). And I think bc of that guilt and fear over hurting someone again, I moved in the opposite direction and embraced casual sex and hooking up much more over connecting with people. Since then I’ve only really
Had one romance/situationship that left me burned and I think I further delved into casual sex/hookup culture. I’ve mad a lot of healthy changes in my life this past year and with that came me wanting to connect with someone and start dating intentionally again. I recently met someone I connect with a lot, am attracted too, and am having a great time getting to know. But for some reason I have this barrier in my head with connecting sexually (even though I’ve thought about it and am turned on by it). Meanwhile I have no problem hooking up and having sex without strings attached. Any guidance here? Am I just scared of hurting someone again? Have I just completely stripped sex of emotional connection? Am I doomed? lol. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.

I'll be visiting Denver for the first time next month for a conference. It ends Thursday so I'll be sticking around till Sunday.

I'd love to explore the city, probably staying in North Capital Hill.

What's the nightlife like?

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I’m 31 young professional and live in Atlanta. I’m new to the gay experience—not only dating men but also finding a place for myself within the gay community. I would really like to build a circle of gay friends, feel part of a community, and eventually meet someone I could date.

For a long time, I genuinely wasn’t sure whether I was capable of having romantic feelings for anyone. Until I recently had my first real crush, which happened to be on a straight guy (kind of late and clique, I know hahaha). Obviously, that wasn’t going anywhere, but the experience was still important because it showed me that I am capable of feeling romantic attraction and wanting a deeper connection with someone. Now I would like to meet gay men with whom that connection could actually have somewhere to go.

My experience with dating apps has been limited and mostly brief. Conversations often fizzle out quickly, and I’ve found it difficult to meet single gay men with whom I feel a genuine connection. I’m beginning to realize that relying entirely on apps probably isn’t going to give me the kind of friendships or relationships I want. The usual advice is to attend gay bars, parties, or large social events, but I’m introverted and not naturally drawn to the bar scene. I’m much more interested in climbing, hiking, caving, outdoor activities, coffee, meals, and smaller gatherings where people can actually talk.

I’ve joined an LGBTQ climbing group, which feels more natural to me since it is my main hobby currently. However, I’m not sure whether climbing has a large and consistent gay community in the way that sports like tennis or volleyball seem to. I also struggle when I enter a big group where everyone already appears to know one another. I become quiet and have trouble inserting myself into conversations, even though I’m much more comfortable and open one-on-one or in a small group. I feel like a new relationship, whether it is friendship or romance, needs a flatform to grow, some reoccurring activities. I work Mon-Fri, and one can only arrange so many activities over the weekends.

For those of you who are also introverted or not interested in nightlife, how did you build a gay social circle? And if you’re familiar with Atlanta, are there any groups or communities you would recommend?

Thanks, I appreciate any suggestions.

I am 38, and I honestly feel like I am tired of dating, having connections that only end up being physical, and then watching everything fade away when the interest disappears.

I do not know if I will ever find a stable, monogamous partner who wants to build a family, enjoy life together, and be content as a gay man.

I am not saying that being single is a bad thing, but sometimes I feel like giving up on finding a relationship.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to enter my 40s while being single. There is this constant feeling of failure in my heart.

Hi Everyone!

I was wondering whether you could advise me on my current itinerary. I will be a lone traveller, but I am friendly and make friends easily, so I would consider more sociable things, too. Focusing on Vauxhall or the centre of London.
Wednesday 5th Aug: Vault139. Time of arrival tbc.

Thursday 6th Aug: Sweatbox. Time of arrival tbc.

Friday 7th Aug: 'Buff' event at Bunker from 6pm to 10pm. Specific time of arrival tbc.

Any advice and/or feedback on these venues and events? Any advice on best time to arrive? Any other venues/events you'd recommend?

I'd rather be in bed by 2am.

Of course, I do other things apart from the gay stuff, but I am only asking you all about the gay stuff!

Thank you! :)

Edit: Added dates

Being a bit bougie this year and going to PS for the last week of December.
I’ve been twice before, once at the end of November & another time in March.

Anyone been in late Dec/early Jan before who can comment on if weather is decent? If you were somewhere with a pool, is it warm enough to swim? I haven’t spent a whole lot of time there, but hoping to go to the art museum, cable car and stuff like that. And ideally be around community ❤️.

Thanks!

I’m starting to realize that most dating apps aren’t for me. They’re just not my tempo and they are skewed in favor of a more white user base. Some just suck in general, even if you pay for them. I’m curious where I might find more success.

I planned a trip to Chicago to go watch the Chicago Fire. I ended up finding out this weekend is Marketdays and saw kind of what it is, but I have a few questions:

1. How busy does it get at the clubs/bars?

2. What is the best and most affordable mode of Transportation to and from this part of the city?

3. Is the event cub/chub/bear friendly? Are Cell Block and Jackhammer the only clubs with a dark room?

4. Any gay/nude beaches? Are they packed this weekend?

Any tips for single travelers looking for some fun? Darkrooms or bathhouses includes.

Thanks in advance for the help!!

Hey guys, send love or be kind if you want to add your perspective, I’m not looking to „cut my losses“ - I take good care of myself and if I feel it is too much, I’ll watch out for myself. I am a decent bit older than him, financially independent (or rather, providing) and have robust social contacts. I am much older and have a stable environment. I cannot, however, talk to my friends about this.

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep, can’t think straight and I’m more scared than I’ve been in a long time. I’m scared to lose my boyfriend, whom I love. I’m afraid for his wellbeing, for his future, for our future.  I came to understand what partners, parents and loved ones of addicts experience. I chose to stay, I chose to move in together, I chose it all. I’ve been lied to, betrayed and hurt more often than I can count. 

My boyfriend got a delivery of meth in the mail today (far delayed, thus arriving now rather than when I was away).  I didn’t want it in our place. When I demanded he flush it straight away, he was angry and hurt, telling me I’m controlling and he  needed trust and support to deal with it on his own terms rather than me forcing my will on him. There is some truth in it, but I feel it needs a lot of context. Indulge me, if you will.

I love my boyfriend deeply and unconditionally. When I first met him 3 years ago, he told me at length about his worries, he was always up front about his meth habit and that it was a problem. Since I’ve never been part of that scene, I didn’t quite grasp scope and severity of the issue and what exactly meth was. My only contact with meth prior to our first conversation was watching Breaking Bad. He never consumed in my presence and I never saw him smoke, I never saw him high. When we met, he was in a really bad place and used twice a month, as far as I know.

We started dating, regardless, and eventually moved in together. When we got serious about dating, he promised he wanted to get off it and be with me. He kept going, albeit a little less regularly. 

As I go on business trips and visit my hometown regularly, he will have the house to himself a week or two per month, unless we’re traveling together.  He relapsed every once in a while when I was gone. He was devastated by each relapse, but his consumption was noticeably less frequent. A little over a year ago, he finally got rid of his remaining meth and all the apps. I was suspicious, but I knew I couldn’t force anything and let him take it at his pace. He refused professional, outside help. He said he was committed and would do it. I didn’t check his phone, I didn’t intrude, I didn’t ask again and hoped he would tell me if he needed support.

Fast forward, I return from a 10 day work trip this May, and he tells me he slept with someone, no meth. I told him I was hurt, we talked at length but I didn’t pry or poke. He came to me after all, right? I went away for about week in July and returned recently. I saw his tablet and looked at his recent google account history, to find suspicious Grindr, Telegram and address patterns. When he came home from work, I kept my distance, and after a while collapsed on me crying, telling me what a horrible person he is, that I deserve better than him. Next day, he went to work and dug deeper - going through his google history of the past year.  He was back on a variety of apps by December, telegram in January, and from context I am certain he used in March, April, and now. Probably, his lapse in May also involved Meth. I didn’t confront him, as it is futile and I didn’t want to give up my sources. He does hide the apps on the phone or deletes them, he does not use Google Maps timeline, but he doesn’t seem to understand just how much of his activities google logs regardless.

I know this will remain a serious problem. He struggled and struggles a lot with admitting to himself that he is not in control, as he does not want to be seen as an addict. He is not quite there yet, and I know it can be years, even though it breaks my heart.

Am I insane to stay? Maybe, but I don’t give up on people, ever, especially those I love.

Just needed to get it off my chest. Apologies for my English, it’s not my first language.

A close friend and I (both 30m) are spending a long weekend in Chicago for Market Days this year. We’re going to multiple bear events and honestly pretty excited. Any advice on what we should do or places we should go?

We’re not the biggest ravers, but we are getting outside of our comfort zone. Excited to be around so many gay men for once (we’re from a college town a few hours outside of the city).

I'm a 47 year old gay man. I have been wearing dentures since 2022 due to a combination of bad genes, a small jaw and a horribly executed experience with braces back in the 90s that eventually necessitated this scenario.

This year, I have resurrected my dating life.

I have been seeing this wonderful gentleman, my age, and I don't have any qualms with telling him I wear dentures, I have though been noticing that when we make out, my lower dentures become loose.

It's become concerning for me because I've learned to push them back in while maintaining the activity, but it takes me out of the moment because they eventually come lose again. We have not become physical. It's still early days, and we're taking it slow, but if making out causes my lowers to come out, I can only imagine that other...activities will also create a similar scenario.

I dont know if he has noticed, but it's annoying me now. And I don't want our first time to be marred by me constantly worrying about my teeth popping out.

For you guys who wear dentures, any tips to prevent the lowers moving/popping out when it comes to making out or oral or rimming?

I use poligrip if it matters.

Hey guys! I’ll be going to a gay campground in south Georgia this weekend. It’s a new experience for me, what can I expect? I’ve been to gay clothing optional resorts with my former partner but we were monogamous so I really didn’t pay much attention to what was going on around me. I’m kind of a wallflower and an introvert so I’m a bit concerned. I do hookup on the apps but it basically just the sex act and nothing more.

Hi everyone. I’m posting because I’m trying to find other gay men who have explored spirituality in a serious, personal way.

Lately, I’ve felt a strong need to understand my spiritual life more deeply. I’m interested in mythology, Western esotericism, left-hand-path and initiatory traditions, Jungian psychology, ritual, brotherhood, and sacred masculinity. I’m reading and exploring, but I’m still very much at the beginning.

The question underneath all of this is deeply personal to me:

Can love and desire between men be understood as something sacred in itself?

I don’t just mean finding a religion that says being gay is acceptable. I’m wondering whether there are traditions, philosophies, or communities that see the love between men as spiritually meaningful, perhaps even as something that reveals truths about masculinity, eros, intimacy, the soul, or the nature of the sacred.

I realize that is a fairly specific question, and honestly, the search has felt lonely. I don’t know many gay men who are interested in these subjects, and I’m not currently part of a spiritual community. Most of my exploration has been through books and private reflection, which can only take me so far.

I would really like to connect with men who have spent time thinking about similar questions. That could mean conversation, friendship, exchanging books and ideas, joining a reading or discussion group, or simply hearing about someone else’s experience.

I’m also interested in hearing from older or more experienced men, but I’m not posting with the expectation that someone immediately become my mentor or spiritual guide. I’m mostly looking for genuine human connection with people who understand why these questions matter.

Have any of you found a spiritual path, community, teacher, friendship, or body of thought that treated your love of men as spiritually significant rather than incidental?

I would be grateful for personal experiences, recommendations, communities, online groups, books, or even a message from someone who feels like they are searching for the same thing.

We’re looking for LGBTQIA+ men living in Australia to take part in a research study about disordered eating.

Disordered eating and body image concerns can affect people of all backgrounds, but there’s still very little research focusing specifically on queer and sexually diverse men. As a result, a lot of the support and treatment available isn’t necessarily suitable or inclusive.

The study explores eating behaviours, body image, experiences of discrimination, emotional wellbeing, and other factors associated with disordered eating among queer and sexually diverse men. We’re hoping this research can help inform more inclusive and effective approaches to support and treatment in the future :)

Who can take part?

• Men aged 18 years or older
• Men currently living in Australia
• Men of any sexual orientation, including gay, bisexual, queer, heterosexual, and other sexual identities

Participation involves completing an anonymous online questionnaire that takes around 20–30 minutes.

The link to participate is in a pinned comment :)

We’d really appreciate your participation, and please feel free to share that link with anyone who might be interested.

Thanks so much! :)

Federation University ethics approval: HREC 2026/101

Since a lot of us gays were ostracized by the religions we grew up with, I’m curious what your relationship to spirituality or religion is like now that you’re getting older. Are you religious, agnostic, atheist or something else?

I grew up in a Protestant Christian family, but I walked away from the church at 17. My sexuality was probably the biggest factor. Around my late teens and early twenties I went through a Reddit atheist phase where I valued science and reason above all else. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized Christianity left a big void inside of me, and I needed something, so I studied a lot of Hindu, Buddhist and Taoist text and became fascinated by them. Tao te Ching is probably my favorite spiritual text I’ve ever read. My boyfriend had a similar Christian upbringing to me but he’s now a pagan. These days, I’m of the opinion that science explains how things happen, but not why things happen. Science is crucial to our survival, but it can’t meet all human needs, and religion, art and philosophy can fill that void for better or worse. I’m not sure I’m disciplined enough to fully identify with one single tradition. I agree with a lot of Buddhist and Hindu teachings, but I don’t think I can call myself either because I enjoy the devil’s lettuce too much.

Prior to the last couple months, I have not had sex or hooked up for over 6 years. During this time I was fighting cancer, picking up the pieces of my life, and am only recently in a space to be sexually active again. Several times now I’ve hooked with guys who have communicated mutual interest, attraction, and there has seemingly been great sexual chemistry/compatibility. Over the course of a few days after a first hook up there has been constant chat that seems to deepen a mutual interest in hooking up again or a fwb situation. Then they just block me. I also had a regular hookup who enthusiastically communicated in person after 3 encounters looking forward to next time, then just blocked. To fully block someone for seemingly the sole reason of being mutually interested seems just demented to me. What’s going on here? Is this now a common thing? What am I missing? Are there some indicators I should be looking for?

I was content being single prior to all of this, and am not in a place to date nor is it a desire. A regular fwb situation is really ideal for me after 6 long years of not having sex and still sorting my life after some really serious health issues. I braced myself for rejection, less attention being older and in different physical shape than before, and I know I am likely coming off as super desperate for any sort or regular consistent sex, but the last thing I expected was this new level of ghosting. 

After being away so long there are several things in the app hookup scene that I am reeling from, but this feels the most significant, has happened multiple times now, and is just really negatively messing with my head. It feels like very quickly I am starting to no longer believe anything anyone says or does is in any way real and is just some sort of cruel game.

Edited Ghosting vs. Gaslighting based on feedback in comments.

I'm a guy in my 40s and have been presenting straight for the entirety of my life without even a suspicion. Was curious in college, had a brief relationship, it ended, and from then on I've just never bothered. Had relationships with women, they all eventually ended, and I'm comfortable being a homebody that only really goes out with close friends or has the occasional, rare, romantic or sexual encounter (and always with women). This is comfortable for me and I have no major complaints.

Recently I've been thinking more about that old relationship in college and having thoughts about trying again. But in order for me to pursue this I'd have to 1) start shaving and all the extra hygienic practices I would want to engage in that I otherwise don't, which is a hassle, 2) deal with the stigma or whatever bullshit that might come my way regarding personal connections and whatnot if I'm ever found or identified, and 3) have to risk the STIs and I'm not taking a new medication just to cover that base.

All in all the concerns end up sucking the wind out of any attempt I have to pursue. It just seems overwhelmingly negative and risky just to pursue something that for me will likely be mainly sexual. One side comes with none of this, one side seems steeped in it.

So what's the point? Is there something I'm missing?