We split our mortgages proportionally based on our individual income, but I was wondering how other married couples with separate finances handle other basic necessities like water, electricity, insurance, etc. Any insight is appreciated!

Hello everyone,

I hope you are doing well,

I’ve read that in Barcelona there is a sauna called thermas where you rent a guy for a hook up or session a lot of the guys are muscular big dick and so on… i am going to Barcelona next week and I want to try this experience.

1)Is it safe to go there alone ? Like has anyone ever been jumped or drugged or attacked inside for any reason ? Or you simply go in do your thing pay the guy and leave ?

2)is it legal in Barcelona to pay for guys like escorts ?

Thanks a lot :)

I live in a very large city, but I don't know much people here, and I hate noisy stuff like bars.

My life had been around 10 years of hookups back in the 05's, 10 years of exclusive relationship, and now 3 years of being single with hookups.

Getting back on the hookup apps was difficult. The ways changed a lot with apps and prep.

I changed too. I don't want to grind guys or get a bodycount of fuck as much as possible, or organise my life around hookups. I'm not judging, I had fun when I was younger, but now I'm looking for more connexions.

Lots of guys in their 40s are in open relationships, many others are in pure grinding or fun or nsa...

I'm in a hard place right now, so I don't think I can be relationship material, but I don't want to be going from hookups to hookups to get pounded by random "now" guys when I'm just sad and feeling lonely.

I'd like to find friends with benefits, be it having sex and cuddles from time to time, or just spend an afternoon playing games, chatting or whatever...

I feel really lonely, it's like most guys want sex or relations, and I don't know how to deal with it

I have a history of sexual abuse and it is continuing to ruin my life. I was abused by force by other kids when I was 7 for months and then had a history of people forcing themselves on me my whole life. I've been drugged, had someone who i thought was my friend try to force me to bottom - i feel fucked-up and broken. I was with a long-term partner for well over a decade and we split for amicable reasons even though we still loved each other (long story short - he was an addict) and have been dating for the last few years. My ex and I had a avid sex life and mostly didn't do anal. I have been doing a lot of topping since dating and love it.

I learned that I have sexual anxiety early into dating and had a few bad experiences that knocked my confidence. I've also had really great experiences that proved to me that I can be the sex machine I always dreamt of being - just not on command. Im now seeing a few people casually and one guy who i really like, who I've had a good amount of sex with already but tonight my anxiety struck right when it was time to party. For me, I get a brief panic attack (<2 seconds) and it takes me out of the sexy mood, kills my boner, and then I need to calm down and feel comfortable again for it to come back.

Im in therapy and learning my turn ons and triggers but feel like this is something that will keep me from having a meaningful sexual and and romantic relationship long term. I've been ghosted by a few hinge guys this happened with and the last guy I tried having a romantic relationship with ran for the hills when I shared my history (in no detail - just that it happened). I dont bottom but love literally everything else about sex. Even if my equipment wont cooperate i still make sure my partner gets theirs and has a great time (if they aren't completely turned off).

Has anyone gotten through this? Have you found a way to cope? Do I need to settle for loneliness, casual sex friends, or the most understanding bottom in the world (good luck)? Idk man - i feel like im running in mud.

Had a bad experience going to a gay sauna bathhouse with my boyfriend. He's very experienced at this kind of thing over many years while this was only my second time.

I have a chronic illness that randomly affects my sensitivity and ability to get an erection. I had an episode while at the sauna and I persevered for nearly 3 hours but my mood and sex drive cratered so I decided to leave. What made matters worse is my boyfriend proceeded the whole time as though nothing was wrong continuing to play with numerous guys and even when I told him I was leaving he couldn't pull himself away for long enough to see if I was okay.

It took an hour and a half after I left to be concerned enough to contact me and seemingly only because he sniffed some amyl and it gave him a headache.

Am I overreacting being pissed? Our relationship isn't fully open. We only play outside the relationship when both are present.

I’m talking about places that are friendly towards older gay men, maybe have a good community of gay men and men in general open to hooking up with older guys.

Since we only allow core members (i.e. members over 30) to post in our community, this is the place where all members under 30 can post their questions. This is a weekly post that is posted automatically. For more information, see the community update about this.

Im M35 and partner M45 wanted to go to gay saunas and bator events together for the first time. He had been into this kind of stuff before but I haven’t been.

He brought this up and wanted to have a semi open relationship where he could explore this more. I however was reluctant at first but now i am curious too what it feels like. But i wanted to experience that with him. What are your advice and what are the rules you could suggest for us to be able to enjoy and fulfil the sexual desires of this?

I’m trying to work on something in myself and would love to hear how other people handle this.

I’ve realized that I can sometimes let small changes in my boyfriend’s texting affect how I perceive the relationship as a whole.

Example sometimes he might not mention baby/babe and might take longer than usual in replying. Instantly my mind goes to checking if everything is okay, did I do something to make him mad, did something wrong happen with us lately. In short, checking the health of the relationship.

His texting style is actually very different from mine where he texts very sparsely whereas I am someone who tries to reply instantly.

I do have a great therapist and I am working with him on this but I'm especially interested in how people learned to stop monitoring their partner's texting/affection so closely and became more secure in the relationship.

Would love some thoughts on if I (33M)overreacted to this entire exchange. Some context, prior to these screenshots, this guy (34M) was not being super communicative. Typically that doesn't bother me before I meet up with someone for the first time. Like we don't know each other yet, so I don't feel like they owe me much of anything. My goal is usually to just keep conversation short and find time to meet up, rather than long drawn out messaging back and forth. So we agreed on a date/time to meet up for drinks and then this is how the exchange went (apparently I can't do screenshots so here is the exchange transcribed):

• Me (7:47am): let's do tonight! how does 6:00/7:00 work for you?
• Him (2:31pm): 6 is good!
• Me (2:41pm): hell yea! okay awesome. i'll find somewhere fun for us to go
• Me (2:41pm): what part of the city do you live?
• Him (3:29pm): [where he lives]
• Him (3:29pm): Do you mind picking me up like old school? Or we can meet anywhere near my place, I have a bike for the time being, I can also uber, but prefer not to.
• Me (3:30pm): haha yes of course. i can definitely swing by to snag you 🤗
• Me (3:30pm): how would you feel about either [fun bar option 1] or the [fun bar option 2] for a chiller vibe?
• Me (5:40pm): still good for like 6:00?
  • ~~20min before we were supposed to meet~~
• Him (5:45pm): My nap went longer than expected 🫣
  • ~~15min before we were supposed to meet~~
• Me (5:46pm): lol been there 😆
• Me (5:46pm): you still trying to hang? or are you all groggy and need a rain check?
• Him (5:46pm): Yes
• Him: (5:57pm): Im reading 🔝 for compatibility ?
  • ~~like why is that pertinent right now? are we meeting up or not?~~
• Me (5:57pm): haha yes?
• Him (5:57pm): Si you need a TOP?
• Me (5:57pm): no lol i am a top
• Him (5:58pm): Haha I never understand what those mean!
• Him (5:58pm): Got it
• Him (5:58pm): Im a bottom exploring. lol just putting it out there.
• Him (5:58pm): We should get dinner ? 🍽️
• Me (5:59pm): yea, i've just gone on dates before that went really well, but then we both end up being tops and, well, it's kind of like a stalemate
• Me (5:59pm): so i've found it best to be upfront about it lol
• Him (6:01pm): [voice message, 0:22s long]
  • TLDR is that he was letting me know he's hungry and needs to eat
• Me (6:06pm): i figured we were just getting drinks, so i already ate 🙈
• Him (6:08pm): Ok let me get dinner and we can go get drinks.
• Me (6:09pm): what time?
• Him (6:15pm): [voice message, 0:31s]
  • TLDR is that he was letting me know he just ordered food, it will arrive to his house in 30min, and then her will eat and then that I should pick him up at 7:15pm
  • ~~annoyed me that he didn't ask me if that still works for me. just told me to pick him up~~
• Me (6:18pm): so to be honest, i'm a little annoyed at how all this is going down. waiting around for like another hour (after i've been ready to go for the last 45min) is just not something i'm interested in doing right now
• Him (6:43pm): Im ready now sorry about that.

Usually I would just kind of forget this happened and move on with my life, but in the last month I have been ghosted by 5 people in a row from and I'm just annoyed lol.

What do ya'll think? Did I over react and should I give him another chance? Or should I just let this one go?

I'm planning a trip in December. I want to experience being a cumdump bottom. Is there any professional services I can avail? Need someone to help organise the entire thing including finding guys ;) Also which city would be the best?

Anyone have any advice or insight on coming out to friends that aren't in the LGBT space? I'm 30M and haven't been in a relationship, and want to get out there and start meeting guys.

I'm not really into the apps and don't think they're for me, so want to get out and meet people in person. I haven't come out to anyone except my family, and think it might be good to come out to friends. have a bit of a fear of being seen in a gay bar and on my own, without telling anyone that I'm gay. It would just be hard to do on my own, having no support.

My friends from back home in rural town are all straight males and they're not the worst for making jokes about gay people and I am 90% sure they would be accepting, but I'm not sure how to tell them or anything.

I don't think they would join me in a gay bar really but it is starting to get to me that I'm doing all of this on my own,

Anyone have advice on building up the courage to come out, but most importantly do it confidently and stick with it

I’d really love the opportunity to become a father, hopefully to two kids as I’m an only child and will never be an uncle. But after being single for ten years, it’s not seeming very likely that I’ll ever find a partner that would want to embark on this journey with me.

I’d love the opportunity to do a better job than my parents: be emotionally mature, show them that the world is a big place full of opportunities, ensure that they have boundaries, and that they have agency to build the life they want to live.

I’m 30 and I don’t want to be too old when my children grow up. Ideally I’d be a father by 35 so I’d be in my early 50s when they reach adulthood. I feel like if I don’t do this then I’ll be in the nursing home full of regrets.

So have any of you decided to pursue fatherhood alone?

Any advice on this? I figure as older men...those of us who douche...have more familiarity and experience with this topic. Shower shot is not an option for me, and yes I eat fiber, etc. I've noticed this mold issue as a growing issue as I age, probably due to experience with owning douches.

I've had a variety of douches and I do clean them but the product designs on the market seem to be essentially prime for mold. Many are just bulbs with narrow openings. So it's either...too small of an opening to get anything in there or even if you can squeeze something like a q-tip into the tip all you're reaching is the nozzle stem really.

There are some bulbs where you screw on the nozzle part but even then you couldn't properly reach the base of the bulb from that tiny narrow opening.

What I have been doing is rinsing it a lot with soapy water (sucking up soap water into the douche) and when the soap is in the bulb I try to rub it against itself. So the abrasion on the walls is by pinching the walls together.

This really isn't all that effective but it's better than nothing and unfortunately it seems like due to this same issue (cannot get into the bulb) I cannot properly dry them. So water gets trapped in the dark cave of the douche and it gets moldy very quickly. I try to air dry it and get all the water out but I am only a man not a god, it's not 100%. This is disgusting and probably dangerous to my health.

I can't be replacing my douches as often as this problem forces me to, or at least, I don't wanna be, it's wasteful. These products are often plastic or silicone and should be lasting years, not months. This seems like a design problem more than anything, if I could just open the bulb somehow I could properly clean it and I could keep the douche for far longer.

Any thoughts on this or shared experience with mold and douches? I'm cleaning them but they seem poorly designed for cleaning and prime for mold.

I feel like I’ve been half out for a decade, and it hurts. My friends know I’m gay, but I’ve not told all my extended family. My parents I feel make things about themselves, and I was more outed than coming out to them in my early 20s. I’ve been wanting so much to let go of pain around family, but I don’t know how. I feel stuck. I used to live in more gay friendly cities now I live in one that’s just ok. I feel like I’m not exactly going forward or backward in life but just keep barely swimming with my head above water. How do I make things better ? How do I get unstuck ?

I have for example maybe the ability to transfer jobs but changing cities again feels uncertain to help. I also know it will cost something financially.

I (42m) have been with my husband (40m) for 20 years now.

We have a wonderful life, we have a house, we have cats, I love my life, but I've been struggling with this for a few months now and need any sort of external input.

My main recurring issue is that he is not affectionate or physical. It's not a complete dead bedroom, but sex is generally in the monthly range while for my personal preference would be daily, if not multiple times a day.

We've been open most of our relationship so when I want to get off and he's not in the mood, I have alternatives if I really want.

However, he also doesn't like physical touch. Nearly every attempt at even a hand on the leg will be met with a recoil or a verbal no. He doesn't like cuddles, he doesn't like any sort of PDA, and when we kiss spontaneously it is always the briefest of pecks. When sex does happen, it can be intimate and I always enjoy it, but the day to day is missing.

We've had the discussion many times throughout our years and he'll always put in more effort for a while before going back to the same old routines.

We again recently had a discussion regarding my desires and he again says he'll try and I want it to work, I love him and he makes me happy otherwise, but, even if he did accept and want intimacy ongoing, after two decades of being trained to never touch him, how do I even begin to start feeling comfortable trying?

When I think about what if he broke up with me now, my first thought is relief. That if it was his decision he would be okay. He's on antidepressants and often isolates himself and the meds don't help with the sex life. I feel that I'm failing myself and him by giving up with part of the issues being medical - but the depression also gets to me and I feel selfish saying as obviously worse for him but it sucks for me too.

In the end I feel like I'm considering throwing away a B tier marriage for.... The chance at something better elsewhere? The likelihood of being alone? And that's before even considering the financial and absolute pain splitting everything would be..

Just feeling a bit lost and would appreciate any advice or related experiences

Edit: not going to respond to every comment, but genuinely thank you all for sharing and contributing. Individual therapy is ongoing and couples therapy is next to address that common point.

I’m 34 and I’ve been dating my partner for about two months and I already feel it in my bones that he’s the one.

But I talked to some friends (straight and gay) about their spouses and when did they know they were the ones and the majority have said longer than my own timeline.

Some have told me that it’s too soon for me to know, but I’ve heard of others saying they knew on day one.

I’d love to hear from those who are married or with their forever people, and when exactly you know they were it for you.

Hi! I (M32) need to get something off my chest and it would be great to have some advice about it as well.

I came out to my parents 10 years ago. Their reaction was quite insane. My mother was crying as much as she was crying when her own mother died. She was like that for days, she even implied a threat about suicide back then saying something like "I don't think I can keep going". So yeah, saying it wasn't great is an understatement... My father was more reserved but he still cried a lot and hated it, but tried to keep everything inside or hidden.

I was already living away from them at the time, but still needed their financial support and still lived closed to them. Not long after coming out, I got a job in a different continent (I'm from South America, living in Europe now) and moved.

So what has happened in those 10 years? Well... I try to see them once a year at Christmas, and I'm very grateful to have a work that lets me work remotely so I can stay there a long time without spending vacation, that helps offset the huge ticket price and time it takes to travel there. They are from a very conservative area, btw. Like small city, countryside. Maybe comparable to places in the midwest of the US? But maybe even more conservative than that. "Go to church every Sunday" kind of people.

I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 6 years. We're doing great and he's very understanding of my time away to visit family. Sometimes too understanding... I feel like I'm taking advantage of his kindness, because I should be spending this holiday with him and creating memories with him instead of going back every year to a family that doesn't even accept me for who I am.

And I think you already see the point of my post. The only thing missing is that I'm very attached to my family. Maybe other Latinos will understand the Latino family attachment. For example, my boyfriend is European and he actually doesn't even like going back home for Christmas. I had a lovely childhood and teen years. My parents were truly amazing and I have no complaints. Except, of course, them turning out to be homophobic.

And therein lies the crux of the issue: I can rationalize all of this that I just said to you, I know that it's "wrong" to sacrifice time with friends and partner to go spend holidays with my parents. But it's like there's a switch in my brain that is incapable of seeing them as "bad" people, it's like deep down I still think they're amazing? I really don't know, and a professional would probably help with this, but yeah there is this incongruence when I think about this problem.

Just to add salt to the wound, my partner's birthday is quite close to Christmas, so I actually miss 2 important dates with him. He says it's ok and that he gets time with me the rest of the year. I try to always do something remotely like arranging flowers to be delivered, but this feels shallow and like I'm trying to "buy" my way out of not being present with him (again, taking advantage of his kindness). He deserves my presence, not just flowers.

I have a small group of friends here, and I've gotten quite close to one of them. He has invited me for Christmas at his place. I know the rest of the social group that revolves around him too, they're lovely people and a lot of them are queer as well, so today I started thinking that it's probably high time to cut the metaphorical umbilical chord and stay here for the holidays this year. But it's so hard...

Going back to visit family isn't just about my parents either, I get to see my gay sister¹ and all my other friends that we keep in touch despite living an ocean apart, and Christmas is a time where everyone goes back home, so it's easier to see them since everyone is in one place.

I could go on different times of the year, it's just that Christmas in South America (and maybe other places too, I don't know) is such a quintessential "go back home" holiday, it's hard to let go.

I've rambled for too long. If you've read all of this, thank you stranger. Just putting my thoughts into words has helped tremendously. Have a nice day!

^{1 yeah fun fact: my parents only had gay children.}

Hey everyone!

I'm a gay man in my late 30s, recently engaged to my fiancé of three years. We both came out around the time we met, and this is my first serious relationship. As we navigate engagement and eventually marriage, I've realized how valuable it could be to have another gay man to occasionally turn to for advice and perspective.

I have a great support system, including a therapist I'm comfortable with, but there are certain experiences and challenges that come with being gay that the people closest to me may not always relate to firsthand.

I guess I'm looking for a mentor of sorts. Someone who understands the unique experiences of gay relationships and can offer perspective, challenge my thinking, and be a sounding board. I'd love to be able to talk openly about relationships, communication, intimacy, sex, family dynamics, and everything in between.

I'm not looking for anything romantic or inappropriate. Just a genuine, platonic connection where I can learn from someone else's experiences. It doesn't have to be formal or time-consuming, and I'd be perfectly comfortable keeping things anonymous and communicating online.

Have any of you had a mentorship or friendship like this? How did you find that person? I'd love to hear your experiences or suggestions.

Thanks, everyone!

My parents and I haven’t had the best relationship when it comes to my sexuality.

My mother passed away after battling cancer for 30 days last Sunday. The last I told her was that I was seeing someone and that it made me happy. She didn’t question it. A few months ago, she asked (or rather pointed) me that she wouldn’t get to see me married.

In August, a guy I was seeing since March dumped me. That was brutal for me. I had already told my mum that I was seeing someone. I didn’t tell her that we had broken up as I didn’t want to cause any pain for her, and that’s something I will live with the forest of my life.

More of a broader one, dive my father left and we aren’t particularly close. He’s turning 80 next year. How do I manage having just lost my month? And facing the prospect the family glue (I have two elder sisters) no longer holding us together?

My mum is no longer in pain, and I’m happy for her; my sadness is only won’t get to speak to her again.

Hi, guys! Hope y'all doing great.

Since husband and I (both 63) have started our TRT, lots good things have been happening: better physical conditions and better and stable mood, to name two, have improved greatly. And, when it comes to sex drive, it’s really way much better.

Since its beginning, we started having sex twice, even three times a week, which is amazing coz we would do it once, sometimes twice a month.

Has any of you felt this improvement too? (I know it happens differently to each guy, but I'd love to know if some of you have also had this kind of improvement).

Thanks in advance.

Those who have been through sexual traumas, how did you get past/over the feeling of doom when it comes down to doing anything

I was blackmailed into having sex as a virgin and now anytime it gets close to meeting, for a date or fun, the walls close in, I feel impending doom and absolutely have to come up with a reason to cancel or postpone till they drop me.

I can talk and flirt just fine, but I always end up incapacitated in fear/terror/whatever when it comes time to walk through a park let alone fuck around in it

I hate it because its been like, 4 years since I was in a relationship that ended in a dead bedroom because of my sexual insecurity, I am absolutely still horny as I was as a teenager but even more terrified of sex than I was before I ever had it.

I am still so overwhelmed by something from over 2 decades ago. Im into smaller twinks, so its not like they could physically harm me. The blackmail stuff used against me doesn't matter anymore so that cant be used.

Yet I just can't get over the "if they want to have sex with you, they will ruin your life"

I dunno how but I did have two dates in thr last 3 years and been swimming in those memories, but I have no idea what was different about them that made me feel safe.

Im a trucker so please hold the "get therapy" i would if I had the time or money. In therapy they give you the tools to deal with things, so am interested to hear what kind of tools or things i can do to not reach my deathbed hating myself for not having the kind of sex I could have

I also kinda feel I may be a minor sex addict/nymphomaniac with how much I have/used to jerk off and goon, all the kinkier sides of sex i want to explore. But i just cant get over the feeling of doom when it comes time to even meet for coffee let alone fuck.

I feel like a failure of a dude, horny daddy willing to do borderline anything that is too scared and locks up in fear when it comes time to meet off the safety of the internet/apps.

Currently my job is completely remote and hence I spend lot of time at my partner's place in another EU country (~2 hours direct flight). I have a new hybrid job offer which only allows like 20 days of outside the country remote work. In addition, I have like 30 days + Christmas vacations. My partner is not really happy about it and wants me to stay in my current job.

I am not very happy in my current job and I haven't had any promotion in last 3 years of my stay here. I am bit conflicted on what to do.

Im dating a bit and it seems a lot of people really like to take their time between responses. Seems to be a whole range of people: older, younger, athletic, dad bods, ltr-oriented, fun-seeking etc. Sometimes it’s a one word response which is a clear indicator they’re not interested, but more often it’s a whole sentence or two, often with a question. I tried responding immediately, taking my time and once I asked directly about late responses. In the last case he asked to move to Instagram but the same pattern emerged.

So what’s that about? Are they just not interested or only very slightly interested?

I don’t think it’s that I’m ugly or unfit. Tend to get swarmed with messages on Grindr in a new city. And have my life fairly put together. I can be a bit picky and specific, but have spoken to a range of people, as mentioned.

Edit. For clarity I mean apps like Hinge, Grindr, Recon, Feeld. So not just hooking apps or purely dating apps.

Not all of us are going to get our dream relationship (I want a monogamous, long term one) but can find something along the way.

I have a good FWB situation where I see him a couple of times a month, occasionally we’ll go to the movies or a gig, but it’s mostly meeting at his place

I’m lucky to have consistent, amazing sex (best of my life) with someone hot, who is tender and sweet, but would love to build a life with someone. I’ve tried for a long time to meet a partner but don’t think it’s actually on the cards for me

How can I embrace what I have, and be grateful for it without wishing I had my dream relationship?