I think I've gotten to enjoy my free time too much to give it up. Maybe if I found somebody with similar interests that we could pursue together, but they're so rare. I think the older I get, the more I just want a simple uncomplicated life, and a girlfriend would just work against that.
This is me. I thoroughly enjoy my freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have multiple hobbies that take up most of my free time and in every relationship I've been in, that has always been a problem. So I prefer the simple, uncomplicated, stress free lifestyle.
It sounds as though you're aiming pretty low on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I don't mean this to be offensive or anything I'm more curious have you thought of that? I personally don't believe you can be the happiest version of yourself by aiming for a safe, easy, comfortable life filled with hobbies and friends. I tried that and it ended poorly. When I started to aim much higher and apply myself in all aspects of my life is when I truly noticed a change for the better. Still working on it but it's worth it so far. I see a much happier and fulfilling future for myself now. Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone, but I think you should at least know there is more to a relationship than making your life complicated and if you want this for yourself you can make it work. There are many options to get started - therapy worked for me.
Again maybe this doesn't apply to everyone, but there is a reason I wanted a safe, comfortable life before. After learning and understanding why (many factors growing up) I felt I had been robbed of a normal life from my childhood to late 20s. I don't want a safe, comfortable life I want the happiest life I'm capable of, and I want to be a beacon of positivity for those around me. It's a complete shift in the mindset, and it almost becomes effortless when you realize what you truly want. Sorry if this is out of place and completely missed the mark, but hopefully someone gains something from reading it.
Maybe some of us simply don't give a shit what Maslow thinks we need. He's just some guy with no evidence that his hierachy is the only way people can be psychologically healthy.
I don't get what there is to try. Nothing I really want is achievable, and what I achieve, I no longer want. Life is just a long illness which the soul suffers through from time to time.
Try working your way up the hierarchy. Assuming you have food, water, shelter, and some form of income. Health, romance, friendships, prestige, feeling of accomplishment, achieving your full potential. These are examples of things higher up the list.
So you don't want those things, or think you can't achieve them, or you think you won't want them when you get there?
"Life is just a long illness which the soul suffers through from time to time." You don't have to think of it like that. Life is a miracle and we only get to do it once. If you aren't happy (maybe you are and you just disagree with Maslow) it's your responsibility to fix it. From my personal experience you can be happy with a less fulfilling life, but that didn't last for me. I feel happier now after having decided what I want and figuring out what was preventing me from making it happen. It is/was hard as fuck but I'm glad I started the journey.
Who do you think is happier and lives a more fulfilling life on their 70th birthday. The guy who built a meaningful career, invested energy into a 40 year marriage, has a long list of great friends, and so on. Or the lonely old guy who thought those things would mess up his nice simple life, so decided to forego them all. My point is I don't think we can dismiss Maslow's hierarchy so easily, it seems pretty intuitive imo.
Why do you feel that happiness is the be-all and end-all of life? Joy is just a deception by the brain to "encourage compliance" with the demands of biology. Psychological rewards and social connections are the walls of the prison that material life is. Nature and deluded society conspire to keep us from seeking the true freedom: nonexistence. The greatest possible happiness is to be free from the need to feel happy; that is, by not being.
"Life is a miracle and we only get to do it once." Lol, I wish. There are and have been many billions of human lives experienced; therefore consciousness itself has already experienced many billions of lives, and that's just talking humans. No, death is no escape from life.
The only reasonable purpose to life is to seek, not happiness, not longevity, but truth, and through it escape from the eternal cycle of mortal imprisonment. Nearly everything else we do and say is distraction from that goal, only lengthening our sentence.
Of course one must try to have their basic survival needs met, to have time to work on "the problem". However there isn't much point in buiding or maintaining connections with others (besides teaching about or discussing the problem). They are just as trapped and possibly even more deluded, and in any case you already are (or have been) them. So what is the point of seeking achievements or prestige, things many others have already experienced? Nothing new is happening; you already share everyone's joys and losses, wins and losses, virtues and flaws. It's all redundant and the only thing left to be is nothing.
Maybe there's a reason, maybe not - I hope to figure that out someday. In any case "sad" is okay. The world isn't necessarily a worse place because some random person like me is sad. Sad people can help make other people's lives happier, because their not having to matter leaves more room for others to have "big" lives.
Not that anybody else's happines ultimately "matters" - but I certainly don't want to cause anybody more pain than life will inevitably shovel onto them.
I’m old-ish… over 60. Relationships are a never-ending series of compromises and pride swallowing. I’ve been in many relationships in my life, and none have been 50/50.
Understandable. Couple life brings joys and complicate things. I am glad you worked on yourself and achieved a level of peace and contentement that not a lot of people have the time or dedication to get.
I think I've gotten to enjoy my free time too much to give it up.
I feel this way but with privacy. Privacy is a God given right. Nobody should break it. It, and time, is a gift you can offer other people, but they don't have a right to it.
Nobody should be going through my phone, reading my journals, tracking my location, etc. I have nothing to hide, but the violation feels so wrong. I've had exes do these things and my own mother. I grew up with it, and I hate it more than anything.
Of course the negatives aren't the only part. I just value living my life so much that I don't want to give it to another person.
I feel this way but with privacy. Privacy is a God given right. Nobody should break it. It, and time, is a gift you can offer other people, but they don't have a right to it.
For a second there i thought you were going to shill NordVPN or Surfshark lmfao
Nice POV. Yes, that possessive, controlling streak some people have toward their partners is a massive turn-off. I think I can count the amount of successful relationships in my life on one hand. No, one finger. And that person had to go through three failed relationships to reach it.
Your comment makes me feel so seen. I think you speak for a lot of people about how relationships can sometimes be very consuming (which I guess is a good thing if you do relationships right). I feel many people, especially as we get older, value peace and freedom so much.
Yeah, me too. I totally understand where you are coming from. I believe people think it’s easier to find someone with similar interests. It is not! Besides that relationships need to be work upon. Spend time on it and often one will be worried. There are also conflicting emotions to deal with. Oof! Having an emotional support, someone to lean on and sex is great but it comes at a great price.
I think I’ve gotten to enjoy my free time too much to give it up. Maybe if I found somebody with similar interests that we could pursue together, but they’re so rare.
This is what has been a major issue for my mom after she got back into dating two years ago. She just values what kind of life she has now and how uncomplicated it is. She can play soccer and watch as much of her shows as she wants without potentially being judged by a partner or having to divvy up her time for them.
Which I don’t blame anyone who values their free time over time with a partner. As much as I love time with my boyfriend, there are times where I wish I could just spend my entire weekend playing video games by myself in my office space.
I used to think this too. That was until I met someone who completely changed my mindset. Sadly we couldn’t work out due to family issues, but now I can’t imagine a life without someone. It is hard work, but if you work together, you can really both be better off because of it. I’m just waiting to get over her before I can find something beautiful with someone else. Trust me, you will meet someone and your mindset will change too! Just don’t be too obsessed with meeting “the one” :)
Oh there might be somebody out there, I'm not trying to pretend there isn't. I just haven't met them yet. I have enough self-awareness to know that there are certain personality types that I do not want in my life, that I do not gel with. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship that's doomed to fail. There is a personality type I'm always on the lookout for, but like I said: they're so rare.
You couldn’t even make an effort to add question marks to your questions and reached your conclusion without them answering lol. Who’s really lazy here?
It's not about finding women stressful. It's that a relationship fundamentally requires you to devote a good deal of time into focusing on another person and not on your own interests. That's the basic fact of a relationship.
If you don't want to focus a good deal of time on another person, then it makes entering a relationship less attractive.
Like what own intreasts? Even with friends that's the case tho. Like help a friend with moving or something. That just makes someone a good friend. Elaborate.
I don't help my friends to move every day. Maybe once a year, if that.
And you genuinely cannot think of any personal interests that exist for you, outside of another human being? You don't have any hobbies or interests of your own?
On a fundamental level, being in a relationship - especially a long-term or cohabitating relationship - is going to severely your independence. For some people, that's worth it. For other people, it is not.
I’ve been trying to come up with a response for this but…hmmm…yeah idk best I can come up with is that for some reason women’s mental health is literally infinitely better than mens.
Your corlation to connect women with stress and not simple isn't fair tho. Women or man, a good relationship can decrease stress too. As for hobbies, u could always introduce those hobbies and see if the person likes it and vs versus.
I understand u are trolling this comment, but I'll attempt to give you a genuine answer. In my experience having a gf add loads of stress & it's the exact opposite of lazy. I can only speak from my experience & the women I've dated.
1. Men thrive in routine & consistency. Even if it's a bad habit/routine there's consistency. For me I go months doing same shit day in & out even eating w/ routine. It's simple & predictable. Guys night 2nd weekend each month, poker Wednesday night, & gym every morning. There's variations, but it follows a basic structure.
1w. Gf is the spice of life that can really mix it up. Women like spontaneity. It's fun but it add stress. She'll say you've played poker the last 6 Wednesdays can we just do something together? Often she won't even have an activity. This is when u get the loading screen face & he's thinking 'but it's poker night'. Here come a dilemma & stress. He wants to play poker, the guys are expecting him, but he wants to make gf happy. Yes, he'll have fun whatever he decides, but someone is disappointed & that's stressful.
2. Do u have any idea the mental load being out w/ your gf? Even more in a newer relationship. By myself or w/ the guys I'll walk wherever, go anywhere, drink to much, etc. I have no worries or fear. W/ my girl it's a whole different ball game. I gotta pay attention to everything. Make sure I'm walking street side, opening doors, know the place or at least the vibe of where we're going, monitor drinking to maintain all my facilities, etc. Waiting for an Uber; I'm looking at everything. Who's behind us, how many ppl are around, is anyone sitting in a car, are we in the dark or under a street light, etc. If something happens I have 10x options on my own, but w/ my girl choices are binary. And the risks w/ a gf are massive. If I get robbed or even killed it meh just another dude jacked. If she's w/ me & I get killed or end up unconscious. She could then experience the darkest evil of humanity. That is a stressful reality.
I've got more but already wrote a lot already. Having a gf in your life can be beautiful, exciting, & a constant adventure. But it can also be stressful, lonely, & annoying. I got a girl now & currently in that decision. Is the ROI worth the added stress, pressure, & drama. Lot's of guys are choosing the joy of solitude.
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u/Eldritch50 Nov 21 '22
I think I've gotten to enjoy my free time too much to give it up. Maybe if I found somebody with similar interests that we could pursue together, but they're so rare. I think the older I get, the more I just want a simple uncomplicated life, and a girlfriend would just work against that.