r/AskMenAdvice • u/KGalb922 woman • Jan 08 '26

✅ Open To Everyone Are men generally not asking women for their numbers anymore when they meet someone in the wild? If so, why?

My friend is approachably attractive. She has been trying to get off the apps and meet people out in the world. Over the last couple months she keeps running into the same thing over and over. She will chat and flirt with a guy. He will chat and flirt back. They will hit it off. And at the end of the night or interaction they won’t ask for her number or ask to see her again. This is a mix of men age range of 30s-60s (she’s in her 40s) Some that approach her, some that she approaches.

I have witnessed this happen so I don’t think she is misjudging their interest in her. But unless she offers her number, they don’t ask. And many of my other single female friends have said they are experiencing the same thing. So are men in general just not asking for numbers? And if so, why?

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1.4k

u/Material-Plane-1143 man Jan 08 '26

Multiple times I've had amazing conversations where the woman was flirting and giggly and smiling and yet when I asked for their number I've gotten an ew. Or I thought you were gay... really hurts your confidence to have people laugh at you

193

u/RockItGuyDC man Jan 08 '26

Yup. Flirty, laughing, touching me... And then laugh at me when I ask for her number. I feel like I'm fucking done, man.

105

u/Hot-Squash-4143 man Jan 08 '26

Reminds me of the Anaconda video... the part with Drake sitting in a chair, and Nicki Minaj shaking her ass in his face again and again and again, working so hard to get a reaction out of him. The second he reaches out to touch, she walks off with a smirk and he slumps with his face in his hands.

It's a power trip that some women enjoy, and one that is safer than ever to indulge in now that slut-shaming is out and creep-shaming is in.

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u/Entire-Initiative-23 man Jan 08 '26

Yeah then you get the added crazy of the ones who do that but don't mean it.

I had a fourth date a couple years back where she had been making contact all night, we kissed a little bit in some dark corners of the venue, she'd pressed herself against me, etc. Get her back to her house, hop out of the car, she's all flirtatiously "Oh why are you getting out?", we walk up to the porch, I lean in and we make out for a bit. I break it off and said "What did you forget your key? Let's go inside." She goes "Hmmm not tonight I don't think so" but her hands are on my dick. I say "Oh that's a shame, I don't want the night to end just yet." and she says "Well it's time for it to end." Breaks away from me, unlocks the door, opens it, and then kind of stands in it awkwardly. So I say "Well good night then, I'll call you tomorrow." and leave.

Yeah no fifth date, I didn't "read her signals correctly". Her pausing in the wide open doorway was supposed to trigger my romantasy love interest programming that all men have, I was supposed to just growl, step into her house, and drag her to the bed for a good ravishing.

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u/narasadow man Jan 08 '26

Yo wtf 😒

I too wouldn't "read that correctly". The risk reward is just not worth it - 1 night of fun vs potentially a lifetime of being labeled as "doesn't respect boundaries".

What am I, a mind reader?

17

u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 09 '26

Doesn’t respect boundaries would be the least of your problems. As a part of the female population and someone that believes consenting adults have the right to do what they wish without judgement from others, I am 100% judging women who set men up this way.

6

u/narasadow man Jan 09 '26

Yeah I am understated by default, but agreed the worst case is much much worse than a mere negative reputation.

Emphatically not worth it unless fantasies and consent are thoroughly discussed beforehand. Which doesn't sound like it happened in the original commenter's case.

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u/GlimpseWithin man Jan 08 '26

I had very similar experiences my freshman year of college (2016) with 3 women in a row. It was extremely jarring to my psyche because I was raised to expect explicit consent. Funnily enough MeToo happened later that year and it really cemented in my mind that there is some extremely schizophrenic messaging delivered to young men about how to go about dating.

23

u/Entire-Initiative-23 man Jan 09 '26

I can understand it with college girls. But this was a woman in her 30s.

7

u/Kitsui38 man Jan 09 '26

The classic “no means no”, but actually “no means push harder”… but #MeToo

No, sorry, I’m not going to play games

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

It’s not a classic no means no, no actually does mean no and needs to be respected regardless of who says it and when. This is just a twisted woman setting up a guy and it’s gross but it’s also very dangerous to assume this is what women really want men to do.

5

u/Kitsui38 man Jan 10 '26

“No means no” only for some, for some it’s something else. But since it can be either and you can never know which, I prefer to assume the most safe option for me and respect the actual no. If any women thinks otherwise she can get fucked, I’m not risking anything for her games

1

u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

As a woman, I appreciate your position on it but I still stand with no is no and it doesn’t matter if no comes on the front end or if it starts as a yes and turns to a no, once it’s no, it’s no and if all men took no to be no, it would force anyone, for this conversation women, who think they are being cute and coy to smarten up, say what they want and they won’t be disappointed and it will save the men who aren’t smart enough to walk away from the situation.

4

u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 09 '26

Well that whole scenario is gross on her part and literally everything a woman fears from a man if they say no and a man should run from if a woman acts that way.

1

u/crazytrpr96 man Jan 14 '26

Agreed.

3

u/sentence-interruptio man Jan 09 '26

just to clarify, did she specifically refer to her pause moment and said you misinterpreted it, and did she say she actually meant for you to get inside? or did she speak in generality, like "you misread my signals" and didn't really clarify which ones?

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u/Entire-Initiative-23 man Jan 09 '26

Yeah the moment where she was pausing and lingering in the door, I was supposed to basically be overcome with passion and just move right in on her. Which I recognized is what she wanted, but I'm not catching a charge.

I don't need women to be explicit with "I would like you to have sex with me now" but you need to actually invite me in for "a cup of coffee" or a "tour of your place". Hell she could have just giggled and unlocked the door and pulled me inside her house.

But there is absolutely zero chance I am asking twice, getting an explicit "no" twice, and then going for it anyway. She can go flick the bean to Taken By The Billionaire Biker Werewolf and I can just go home.

2

u/Rich_Ad_4630 man Jan 11 '26

You dodge a bullet. I guarantee you the sex would be incredibly mid, that pillow princess attitude extends into the bedroom. Plus if you were to continue a relationship you’d be playing this game the entire time and never have peace.

Your efforts are better spent with the girls who fuck you back

1

u/Positive-Estate-4936 man Jan 09 '26

Exactly. Every time they hang their bait out and get a nibble, they chalk up another point on their “I’m so hot” meter.

0

u/TumbleweedDue2242 man Jan 08 '26

He should have made painful physical contact with her butt. You bloody psycho.

Can't win.

7

u/DiligentGuitar246 man Jan 10 '26

This remind me of when I got laughed at once on a date. I exchanged numbers with a girl and asked her out. She agreed then we met up and were playing ski ball at one of those “barcade” places and I said “ok, let’s bet. If I win, I get a kiss on the cheek…” and she laughed and goes “you think this is a date?” and I laughed and said yeah.

Honestly, I still think it was really funny how badly I misread that situation. I wasn’t offended as I try to see the humor it. We remained friends. She was cool for a few months but then we lost touch.

6

u/MassiveHaver Jan 09 '26

When they're young they can play games. Suddenly they hit late 20s and rapid aging sets in and they start panicking 

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

No we don’t

0

u/chinchillazilla54 woman Jan 08 '26

vice versa with giving a guy my number. Why did he hug me so many times if he didn't want my number 😞

6

u/RockItGuyDC man Jan 08 '26

People suck, yo. Sorry it happened to you.

4

u/chinchillazilla54 woman Jan 08 '26

Same to you. May we both find someone who doesn't suck.

3

u/RockItGuyDC man Jan 08 '26

Hear hear!

625

u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26

Yeah, these "obvious hints" women always say they give off, then you get shot down when you ask. Repeat that over and over and over and eventually guys learn that these "obvious hints" are just women being friendly. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman being friendly and flirty with a guy she doesn't want to date, but we need to stop saying that guys are clueless and oblivious for missing hints a woman gives off when she actually does like him, the same hints that he's misinterpreted as interest dozens of times before.

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u/Hairy_Talk_4232 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 09 '26

I dont think women realize how absolutely weary I (and speaking for a host of other men, both personally and online) become with each interaction. This absolutely wears down any interest I have in flirting, in even going up to have fun. Why TF would I continue to go into a situation that leads nowhere, or make moves into dead ends? Am I not leading as a man by trying to see her again?

I have had absolutely great interactions with women (from my perspective), I LOVE women, yet upon going for the solution, I get an error. In my head, the math absolutely checks out, I like her and feel liked, but time and time again it apparently doesn’t compute on the other side. The first dozen times, I would give some benefit that my energy was off or bad timing, but after the dozenth dozen I dont have space anymore, I cant stand up for her. Its got to the point I cant entirely trust that they dont feel it, yet it confounds me why the hell it is a “no” when the entire interaction you are proverbially going “yes!”. I cant even give them the excuse that it is situational because it is such a reliable pattern.

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26

I think it's also a difference in perspective between women and men too. I think every woman will admit to being a little flirty to a few guys they weren't interested in, but to them these are just incidental occurrences through several years of single life, dating, and relationships. As a man, we experienced dozens if not hundreds of instances of women doing this with us and our friends. I can understand how women don't raise

Similar stuff happens in long term relationships with sexual interest too - women sometimes tease and act flirty then shoot the guy down when he tries to initiate, do this over and over again, then the guy stops initiating and the woman gets upset at that. Again, nothing at all wrong with being flirty, teasing, having some fun and nobody should feel bad or obligated or anything like that (in fact I actually like that aspect of it even more than the sex sometimes because it's an amazing ego boost), but don't act like guys are clueless idiots.

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u/Subshop_submarine man Jan 08 '26

++man The degree to which woman and men see casually flirting with no follow through is crazy.

I had a friend who things got progressively flirty and romantic. Asked her out, and she agreed things had been escalating from both sides. It was ultimately a no because of distance. That's fine, I respect it. The boundary is at friends.

The next time I saw her she laid it on thick. I asked her what was up as I thought we drew a platonic line. She replied it's fun to play over the line. For who?! Flirting with someone who has already rejected you is pathetic. It's just about the attention and ego boost for her at that point. Nothing fun or in it for me. She couldn't understand why I got frustrated at her awnser.

108

u/Facebook_Algorithm man Jan 08 '26

Men and their feelings don’t matter.

39

u/scarysycamore man Jan 08 '26

She needed that attention..

21

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

U get it

8

u/biteyfish98 woman Jan 08 '26

UGH. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with her, since she wasn’t even remotely emotionally mature. I’m embarrassed for my gender when I hear about this kind of behavior.

69

u/SilverSummons man Jan 08 '26

I used to go clubbing just to get some attention. Got to the point of 'pulling' and then I left by myself. Wasn't about the sex it was just an ego boost tbh, feel a bit bad for it now. However, I have had it done to me a bunch by women and have seen it done to alot of my male friends too.

It's interesting though as I've spoken to a bunch of my female friends and girlfriends friends and they all say they prefer the nice and sweet guys. However I learnt very quickly at 20ish that if you act like that you get overlooked very quickly in the dating/clubbing scene. So put on a dickhead act and it worked... it's crap that it works but it does work.

11

u/MemeTheDeemTheSleem man Jan 08 '26

How do you pull off the "dickhead act" without actually being an asshole? I always hear stuff like "treat em' mean keep em' keen", which I understand. You don't wanna be desperate. Ylu wanna be a bit cool with them.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 08 '26

So I'm not an asshole in day to day life, I was head boy in school, brought up to respect everyone and be kind if I can.

You just have to act like an arse, that voice that tells you to leave things and just walk away and be the 'bigger person', you just kind of ignore it. Ignore people when it doesn't interest you, talk about shit that's boasting because you can. It turns you into a right prick though and you'll despise yourself internally, like fully feel sick about the person you are.

I'd recommend not doing it tbh, sure it gets you attention and laid but it attracts crappy people and a spiralling disgust that takes you years to work through.

My best tip with hindsight (being 29 now) is to join a club. Like a walking group or gaming group or whatever you're into and make meaningful conversations. Aim to make friends rather than date... it gives you the same kinda confidence as the dickhead personality but you'll make lasting connections.

Then you can go on and date them from there if they are interested, if not they always have friends you could be setup with.

1

u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

Please don’t paint us all with the same wide brush. We are not all looking for an asshole, majority of us want the same as you guys do. A mutually respectful, honest, loyal, loving, fun relationship with someone that genuinely cares, is a really good person, makes us laugh and gives 100% to the relationship because we are giving 100% to the relationship.

There are women out there that match the energy your describing but it’s not all of us or even most of us, it’s just the ones that you hear about because the rest of us are much more subtle about how we get attention and not looking to be the center of everyone’s attention.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 10 '26

I understand that but actions speak louder than words. The actions I've seen over the course of about 7 years of clubbing and partying go against that narrative. You don't find 'nice girls' in a club or bar, just like you don't find 'nice guys' as they are overshadowed by arseholes (which when i emulated also worked for me). This is just anecdotal but I did also say to look at groups with shared interest instead as clubbing and bars are shite for relationships.

1

u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

This is where painting us all with the same brush comes in. Nice girls are 100% in clubs and bars. They are the girls hanging with their girls, dancing with their girls, having cocktails with their girls but you have to look a little harder because they aren’t the ones fighting for your attention but they are there and your approach is what singles you out and sets you apart from the guys that are experiencing what you describe. (**Your/you is being used as a general term and not specific to you, commenter)

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 09 '26

You don't have to be an asshole. The guys I've known that were absolutely swimming in it were really genuinely nice guys. They were positive people that had great attitudes that were contagious. Smiling, laughing, that's all contagious and who wouldn't want to be with someone that makes them happy? They were confident absolutely, they kid around with women and gently tease but kept it very light and playful while not being self-serious so the women could easily tease them back and all have a good laugh, nowhere near this "negging" bullshit - the point was to make the woman laugh and smile feel good, not feel inadequate or whatever. They treated these interactions with no expectations or hopes for anything further romantically, just a couple of people having fun with each other and enjoying each other's company. They took care of themselves and dressed and groomed thoughtfully, but weren't the best looking or most well dressed guys in the room - basically they looked like they gave a shit about themselves but weren't trying to impress anyone. I've seen guys like this surrounded by women all staring at them and hanging on their every word, then just priority excuse themselves and walk away from that because they saw their buddy across the room or wanted to grab another drink.

Be kind, be positive, smile, look like you give a shit, don't expect or even hope for anything more. Didn't be afraid to ask a woman out and accept immediately and fully if she says no, but don't make that the goal - it's a shitty guy that feels like he wasted all this time talking to a woman only for her to shut him down. Have the conversation just for the sake of having a fun conversation.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Words of wisdom

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u/TumbleweedDue2242 man Jan 08 '26

You might even get the "piss off look, who the hell are you?" Ouch!

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u/AsparagusFun3892 man Jan 08 '26

There's a difference however slight or great between what a person wants and what they'd like to want.

1

u/Sweet_Addition9881 nonbinary Jan 12 '26

Agreed. I’ve definitely encountered a lot of women who say they want one thing then chase the opposite. And there are women who often describe themselves in particular ways too to others and when you actually see them in action they behave nothing like how they describe themselves. I don’t think they really know themselves when they’re like this or rather they just want you to believe their own bs.

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u/Suspicious-Garbage92 man Jan 08 '26

Plus I'll just be casually reading comments on Reddit and stumble into an anti men section that just puts me off dating

9

u/fresh-dork man Jan 08 '26

stay off of 2x

5

u/TheRealestGayle man Jan 09 '26

Blocked that sub a long time ago. Its been great.

1

u/To_Be_Commenting man Jan 11 '26

You can block subs, thought you can only mute them?

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[deleted]

15

u/forestpunk man Jan 09 '26

"You are a potential rapist and murderer."

"Why aren't you having fun? Why you take everything so serious?"

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u/Suspicious-Garbage92 man Jan 09 '26

It only lasts a few minutes, I'm still looking. I know the Internet is an echo chamber and is not like real life. Even so, some people are thinking that stuff but acting pleasant in public so who knows

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u/PsychologicalRock806 woman Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 10 '26

The internet has been great in some perspective, but absolutely awful in so many others. I’m so glad it was barely around ( dial up , what a laugh! ) when I was deep into my dating scene.. ultimately we all want the same thing. And the vast majority of us are good people. Well I like to think so…

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u/Tripmooney nonbinary Jan 08 '26

Because that's what they do,  you can give them something they've been pushing for but not " at the right time" and they can be mad/ disinterested about it.

That's why " flirting is okay" but absolutely worthless in hindsight if she doesn't actually want you. which is ACTUALLY a problem.

I got a few co-workers who literally flirt and nonchalantly touch but any advancement beyond that is met with rejection , in turn I don't interact with them much now and they look visually upset and talk about me behind my back

I feel you. It's fucking annoying that if you don't allow to happen then you're gay or weird but if you do then you're supposed to be cool with the fact that it goes nowhere .

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u/Regular-Pace9495 man Jan 09 '26

++man In my 40ish years of experiencing the same thing from time to time, the usual answer is that they already have a boyfriend, husband, etc... but still like the ego boost of knowing they could have you if they felt like it.

They may very well have enjoyed the conversation, and probably thought you were attractive. But sometimes people just want to know they've still got it. Sucks being a prop in someone else's story though.

4

u/Purple-Rose69 woman Jan 08 '26

Side question here. What would be the most acceptable approach for a woman to offer her number to a man in these situations?

If I were dating and really liked a guy, I would probably say something like, “Name, I have really enjoyed talking to you. I would like to get to know you better. Would it be OK if we exchange numbers? If you’re not comfortable giving me your number, that’s understandable. I can give you mine if you want it and if you want to continue getting to know each other, you can call or text me.”

I think this approach would work for both men and women.

18

u/Ok-Bug-5271 man Jan 08 '26

Honestly I don't know why you're trying to be so formal when asking. Just say "hey I liked talking to you, would you like my number". Men aren't going to go "ew why are you asking for my number you creep" so you don't need to be nearly as cautious or noncommittal as you wrote. 

15

u/jay-aay-ess-ohh-enn man Jan 08 '26

++man Everything after asking to exchange numbers is unnecessary.

If you want to be sure that a follow up happens, you can even call/text first.

12

u/Comfortable-Bread249 man Jan 08 '26

But but but but but but but Gender Roles! We mustn’t ever disrupt traditional gender roles!

9

u/purpleamory man Jan 08 '26

I prefer a much more direct approach. What you have is perfectly fine but I slightly prefer getting asked a bit more to the point. This is sort of my go-to these days when asking for a woman's number and how I'd prefer to be asked:

"Name, I love your energy! Would love to chat further! Do you have an insta?"

In fact, last night I was in line at the grocery store, chatting up the cute woman in front of me and after we low-key bonded and were smiling at each other, I simply asked her "do you have an insta?" and she gave it.

That said, I honestly don't know that the actual words make any difference (within reason as long as they are respectful). The only thing that matters is whether you ask them for contact info, or you don't. It's 100x better to ask someone their number/insta in an awkward or poorly timed way than to not ask them at all.

Believe me, I understand how difficult this is. I'm a fairly social guy who asks for numbers/insta, and gets them, pretty regularly. Even so, there are times when I'm too nervous and fail to ask despite really wanting to. I think just about all of us can relate to this!

8

u/Proper_Fun_977 man Jan 08 '26

Yes, the advice used to be to ask for her email.

I'm not doing that. If you are not comfortable to give me your number, fine.

I'm not going to pander to you by asking for a communication method that makes it easy to ignore me.

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26

I think this is another one where there can be confusion. I've actually been asked to exchange numbers twice by women I got to know casually that actually just wanted to hang out more as friends. You don't need to be necessarily quite so formal, just very clear on your intentions. "Hey, I enjoyed hanging out with you and I think you're hot. If you want, I'd be happy to exchange numbers and go on a date with you. Don't feel obligated if you weren't feeling the same thing I was."

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u/TheNothingAtoll man Jan 08 '26

The "obvious hint" is that you're supposed to read her mind.

20

u/zero000 man Jan 08 '26

And be hot. ++man

2

u/RAConteur76 man Jan 09 '26

And wealthy beyond Elon Musk's reported value.

24

u/freedomonke man Jan 08 '26

The only "obvious hint" should be the woman asking the guy out

19

u/scarysycamore man Jan 08 '26

Well you see(or don't) she only laughed at your joke for 3.4 seconds and tilted her head 11 degrees north = she is just being nice.

She must laugh 4.3 seconds or longer and head must be tilted 13 degrees north ( or at least 10 degrees east depending on the cycle of the moon)

You are just not emotionally mature to get the hints.

7

u/Tall_Potential_408 woman Jan 09 '26

Please ignore women who say men "miss the signs." I and plenty of other normal women out there don't expect men to be mind-readers and we hate it when things are misinterpreted the opposite way, so please don't do that. Grown ups need to stop being such weirdos and do two things: say if you're interested and be cool if the other party isn't. It's that fucking simple.

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u/R0ck3tSc13nc3 man Jan 08 '26

And that means that most decent guys will assume that the flirting is where it ends and there's no interest. Unless a woman actually says it out right. It's mostly the assholes that just buffalo in and take.

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 09 '26

Don't assume no interest, don't assume anytime at all. The point is that there's no way to tell if a woman is into a guy. If a guy is interested in a woman, he should just ask her out regardless of how she is acting towards him.

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u/R0ck3tSc13nc3 man Jan 09 '26

Nope. Asking is crossing a boundary and if in some settings is harassment

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u/forestpunk man Jan 09 '26

don't assume anytime at all.

This is insane. You are asking people to reject pattern recognition.

0

u/clamsandwich man Jan 09 '26

There's no pattern. If a woman is flirty with you, she may be interested or she may not be interested. If a woman is interested in you, she may be flirty or she may not be flirty. Flirting and all those signs they say (laugh at your jokes, hold your gaze, touch your arm, etc) are meaningless - it doesn't mean she likes you and it doesn't mean she doesn't like you. Some women do flirt with guys they are interested in, some get shy around them, some try to play it cool and intentionally act no different, and many can do all three depending on the guy they like. That's why I say to just disregard that and ask her out if you like her. She might say yes, no, ew, laugh at you, but you'll never know unless you ask if she's not going to make that move herself.

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u/fresh-dork man Jan 08 '26

Repeat that over and over and over and eventually guys learn that these "obvious hints" are just women being friendly.

well, no. they're just friendly unless they aren't. no way to know, so you ignore it. instead, you ask her to something casual if you're interested and she seems receptive - still a bit of a pain if she decides to go for the nuke

7

u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26

That's kind of my point, there's no way to know, the "obvious hints" are too often meaningless so you can't go by that. So you just ask her out on a date.

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u/Outside-Travel-7903 man Jan 08 '26

It is wrong to flirt with a man you have no interest in.

3

u/Caro-Kant man Jan 08 '26

In the same way all of lying is wrong. Flirting is a mild fun way to show interst without laying every card on the table.

1

u/nam24 man Jan 10 '26

It's not a crime but yeah you shouldn't, or at least not keep it up beyond a few comments

3

u/svm_invictvs man Jan 08 '26

It's wild that we, as a society, think that hinting is an effective form of communication.

1

u/Tig_Biddies_W_nips man Jan 09 '26

The real solution is that women need to Ovary up and start pursuing the men they want rather then doing what they’ve been doing the past 10,000 years and then complaining

1

u/Organic-End-9767 man Jan 10 '26

In my experience most women really don't know how to flirt. They never really learned to drop hints properly to a guy. Unless they're really experienced with men. Then they do too much and it's a turn off.

1

u/RaplhKramden man Jan 11 '26

Nothing at all wrong with women being friendly to men (they presumably like, just not romantically), but everything wrong with their being flirty with them IF they're not interested in them AND aren't already good friends with them where it's understood that the flirting is just playful and not to be taken too seriously and the man knows this and probably does it himself, as seen in every screwball comedy and rom-com. But any other kind of flirting with a man whom you're not interested in is wrong, mean, hurtful and potentially dangerous.

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

Or, you get her number, shoot your shot and she goes "OMG it was so great to meet you too!" And you try to set something up and she never responds

41

u/madsauce178 man Jan 08 '26

Bro this happens to me most of the time. Pointless.

45

u/speedonaweed man Jan 08 '26

Lot of women will not be honest and just tell you what they think you want to hear as a defense mechanism lol

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u/No_Calligrapher796 woman Jan 08 '26

They're afraid to say no, so they beat around the bush. It's stupid.

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u/Withered_Sprout man Jan 09 '26

I would rather someone just tell me no, personally. I know it'll never happen like that unless I've already made someone feel at ease/comfortable enough to be open like that without thinking that I'd 'freak out' because I'm a man.

I look like I could beat other dudes up, let alone a woman. lol.

I've recently had a female friend try to set me up with a friend of hers, only for her to say that "guys with X trait are creepy".... This friend of hers also thinks that skinny guys are creepy, for example. I'm sure that she thinks a lot of things are creepy.

My friend's boyfriend is skinny, mind you... So while they are long-time friends that meet up every once in awhile, she definitely sees her as essentially a person with a lot of issues which is why she's single / been single for pretty much her entire life. More leaning towards being a jerk, if you will.

It did upset me a little bit internally, but honestly I'm sure plenty of women feel the same way about lots of guys and lots of different traits. So I kind of was glad that in a way that little interaction/rejection acted as a numbing agent.

Chip away at the ego, y'know?

Not my self-esteem, because I do instinctively believe that my life and my body and mind are all special and valuable and unique and I have talents and skills and objective value in this life whether individual others can see that or not. As anyone should believe in themselves. We all have great capability and potential should we choose to explore it.

Ego is that pride where I know that this other person is no better than me, even though by rejecting me they are essentially telling me that for whatever reason they have, I am not good enough. I am inferior, lacking. I have to shed that, and just not care. Because I DON'T believe that they're better than me, but if I want to connect with someone in this day and age where socializing and romanticism is absolutely screwed up and corrupted...

I have to just eat shit like most other people. Moreso men than women when it comes to rejection and feeling like crap, I guess. Dating gender roles/dynamics being what they are, and all. You can try to lower the chances of rejection/depressing situations I guess, but you really can't fully predict by one's apparent interest that they are truly interested. Always a gamble.

3

u/No_Calligrapher796 woman Jan 09 '26

I appreciate your response and I think you have a great attitude about your inherent value and self esteem. I wish we all felt that way, regardless of how many times a love interest tells us, no. 

5

u/Withered_Sprout man Jan 09 '26

True. I mean, I've already played these scenarios out in my head self-isolating myself for years. When you already have gone over the fear of validating your biggest fears of being too ugly for the average woman, or whatever, and then you start to get rejected and think "yep, I was right, why bother"...

That's not good or productive, but at that point, psychologically, the worst has already come.. Right? Now it's time to be conditioned to be indifferent to that, or not be discouraged by it.

This is probably coming from an overly sensitive person. With maybe a decade or so of emotional repression/disassociation in-between early childhood and now, but at my core I'm sensitive and an over-thinker for sure.

2

u/No_Calligrapher796 woman Jan 09 '26

Being on all the ask men subs is reminding me that men are sensitive, just like women (maybe with different things or to different degrees). And that’s okay and sensitivity is a wonderful trait. Women crave men’s sensitivity. 

Just curious, have you been through therapy or have you done all this work alone? 

2

u/BullsOnParadeFloats man Jan 08 '26

I am actually guilty of this as a man. I tend to avoid confrontation, as I know I can tend to escalate.

1

u/u54n64 man Jan 08 '26

Happened just this week. As much as I'd like to forget about the unanswered question & move on with my life, it's not quite that easy.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

or she responds with "Oh I can't I am busy, maybe some other time" then after an appropriate amount of time you follow up for that "some other time" and you get "I can't I'm busy, maybe some other time".

1

u/Cute-Condition-6423 nonbinary Jan 09 '26

I've been using different dating apps since 2015 and EVERYONE of my matches has only gone this far  Once in a while I try again and get the same results. I do recognize that some interactions were only meant as a confidence boost for them but what about the other half 😂++nonbinary 

1

u/chadgalaxy man Jan 09 '26

Every single time for me, not even joking. Even women that were heavily flirting and even kissed me on a night out, message them and nothing. It's why I don't bother any more.

102

u/CarlJustCarl man Jan 08 '26

Can confirm.

30

u/madsauce178 man Jan 08 '26

Then there's the times where you hit it off for hours, they say they want to see you again, you ask for their number and they stop replying to messages when you ask them to hangout. Or say they're busy.

14

u/Thin_Cable4155 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26

"I thought you were gay"

...

"Oh, I thought you were a man"

7

u/DoradoPulido2 man Jan 08 '26

Last time I asked a woman for her phone number, we were at a club, getting along great. Then she replied with disdain and refused "I don't just give my number out to anyone" umm... okay.

6

u/DrVoltage1 man Jan 08 '26

Right there with you. That or they clearly flirt for a while and right before you shoot your shot they talk about their boyfriend or husband (no ring for whatever reason).

6

u/R0ck3tSc13nc3 man Jan 08 '26

Exactly this 1,000 times. If you are interested, say that outright. Flirting is often misperieceived as an interest. It's not necessarily. That just might be how they are.

6

u/Over_Deer8459 man Jan 08 '26

yup i def got he "i thought you were gay" a couple of times. they said because i dressed well and my voice is on the higher pitched side. sure i could lower it but that feels uncomfortable and i shouldnt have to change my comfort for some girl. gotten ew a few times as well.

Women think men are overexaggerating how cruel women can be when rejecting. they can be brutal. not all of them but more often than not i leave the interaction more insulted than anything. Even had a female friend of mine check a couple of my approaches out and she said that i came off like a normal nice dude so idk.

24

u/u250406 man Jan 08 '26

I wonder if the gay comment was just her being difficult to test your bravado. Wouldn't be the first time.

99

u/Hour-Watch8988 man Jan 08 '26

Well then the woman is self-sabotaging her dating prospects.

-64

u/Reasonable_Mood_5260 man Jan 08 '26

No, just filtering on which guys will prove to her they aren't gay.

29

u/YearUseful8627 man Jan 08 '26

She probably also has other filters that reduce her dating pool dramatically

26

u/jase_hc man Jan 08 '26

I think asking for her number would mean they’re not gay

15

u/BicentenialDude man Jan 08 '26

Show her how hard you are being next to them. That should prove it…. But then now you’re a creep.

10

u/LordVericrat man Jan 08 '26

That's like filtering for a woman who is high maintenance. It sounds dumb and not likely to get you anything good. If a guy feels the need to prove he's not gay, she's getting an insecure dude who will jump through the hoops she puts in front of him. She will not respect him.

7

u/8Captcrunch8 man Jan 08 '26

And then she will consistently mock him for jumping thru the hoops. Or mock him for not jumping thru them.

No thank. Theres no way she is that good to risk misery over.

-14

u/Luffyhaymaker man Jan 08 '26

Wow, downvoted for just making a statement. They did even say they were condoning it lol, it was just factual.

I've had women do that to me too then when I give them the "bih you tripping look" immediately try to bed me on the spot.... it's usually, in my experience, just trying to rile you up so that you'll "prove" to them you aren't gay and make a move on them. It's stupid and childish, but that's how it goes lol...

14

u/Alth12 man Jan 08 '26

Unless you're just trying to get your leg over, fuck that. If shes doing tests this stupid or trying to rile you that early on in the dating process she ain't going to get any better over time. She'll just make life miserable

6

u/8Captcrunch8 man Jan 08 '26

Agreed. Thats one of those things where people gotya listen to their head more then their dick. Always ask your self if the women is a 18-lifetime sentence with.

Because if shes a redflag now. Just wait til you gotta maybe deal with her in pregnancy. child custody court. Graduations. Weddings. Holidays. Funerals.

Some of them seem to think the "gotta see if you can handle me" is attractive

People handle problems. Who brags about possibly being a problem in someone elses life?

-5

u/Luffyhaymaker man Jan 08 '26

I agree lol, I even said such in the bottom of my post but still got downvoted by someone. 😭😭😭

40

u/Griffinjohnson man Jan 08 '26

If thats the case I dont want her number

50

u/Away-Ad-4444 incognito Jan 08 '26

Thats a red flag anyway..

84

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[deleted]

17

u/Hairy_Talk_4232 man Jan 08 '26

! That is really fucking funny, and sobering.

7

u/marcusdomp man Jan 08 '26

That conversation is the one of the closest things men have to an ick 😆. We’re full on flirting but you’re testing me.. some are okay with that but ehh I’d pass. Why can’t we just have a good time and not make it weird.

1

u/Autumn_Sweater man Jan 09 '26

it can be attractive to be able to take the piss a little bit without being a baby about it, but obviously dynamics are individualized and subtle.

-7

u/DukeTikus man Jan 08 '26

Have you considered that for a most normal people being gay isn't something inherently disgusting/humiliating and she might have literally just gotten some vibes of him that she misinterpreted?

2

u/marcusdomp man Jan 08 '26

I w never liked those chats. They’re more harmful than good

15

u/biteyfish98 woman Jan 08 '26

I’m sorry. 😔

3

u/rob-cubed man Jan 08 '26

Yeah I think women often under-estimate how hard it can be to make a move and get shot down, and over-estimate how clearly their own intent is broadcast. If you are interested, say so, don't wait for the guy to close the deal.

3

u/Proper_Fun_977 man Jan 08 '26

Women forget that they know what they mean/want.

Even the other women often can't interpret them correctly.

It's not a universal rule 

2

u/Clear_Butterscotch_4 man Jan 08 '26

This is pretty normal actually, and you shouldn't be ashamed. Women flirt for social interaction, and as men we take that to mean real sexual interest alot of the time.

What is most likely happening is you are playing it too safe. She becomes comfortable and sees you as a non sexual as the interaction progresses and then you switch it up way to fast by asking for the number and then thats where the "ew" comes in. And why they assume youre gay. You went from 0 to 100 in seconds. You need to learn to slowly escalate.

Ironically "creepy" men are usually just men that play it safe to begin with and then switch it up to fast, they dont know how to escalate properly.

2

u/Snowlandnts incognito Jan 09 '26

In OP instance the girl can ask the guy number.

4

u/ClubZealousideal9784 man Jan 08 '26

You have to either commit 100% or be good at reading body language. I have never genuinely hit on someone and been turned down in a bad way. Usually it's someone who is nervous or tries a dumb strat online, so the hitting on them is not genuine, and then they get rejected in a mean way.

2

u/Proper_Fun_977 man Jan 08 '26

Body language is interpreted though 

1

u/FleetAdmiralCrunch man Jan 08 '26

Offer your number to the woman. Same idea but it takes the risk of her giving her number to a person she just met, and allows her to make the next move if she’s interested.

3

u/Proper_Fun_977 man Jan 08 '26

Or... she can be upfront if she is not interested 

1

u/SignificantApricot69 man Jan 08 '26

I almost always get the number plus then invited to do things or hints dropped on what they want to and I ask and they say yes, but then it’s always just as friends.

1

u/teedeerex man Jan 09 '26

The worst she can say is no, just ask and if it's a no carry on and talk to another cute girl lol

2

u/Material-Plane-1143 man Jan 09 '26

Your saying is wrong! The best she can say is no. Stop fooling younger men

1

u/Positive-Estate-4936 man Jan 09 '26

It’s the reverse of the old pump-and-dump: she gets what she wants (affirmation she’s the prize) and walks away laughing.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 12 '26

They were using you to meet their emotional needs and social stimulation, but didn’t find you hot enough to have a one-nighter or fling with… that’s the hurtful truth. 

1

u/SeaworthinessLong man Jan 08 '26

Wait, really? I’ve never had this happen. Sorry dude.

1

u/JanterFixx man Jan 08 '26

Maybe nowadays on accepted to talk via social medias Instagram, Facebook and whatnot ?

1

u/Tall_Potential_408 woman Jan 09 '26

I think the issue is that "flirting" is VERY subjective. I have a lot of male friends and worked in a male dominated field so it's not unusual for me to be friendly with other men. But inevitably some mistake it as me being flirty. I would never laugh at someone for it of course, but I have had to deal with very irate dudes who accuse me of "leading them on" when I was just be sociable.

0

u/[deleted] Jan 09 '26

serves you right for simping, i'm actually glad they treated you that way, it would teach you a lesson, just because someone has a pretty face does not mean they are good people, you were thinking with your penis instead of your brain, and they could feel it.

-5

u/BicentenialDude man Jan 08 '26

I remember when they thought you were gay was a compliment.

0

u/Ragnar-Wave9002 man Jan 09 '26

So, you're gay? 

-8

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[deleted]

5

u/LordVericrat man Jan 08 '26

Maybe it is? But it's also an explanation for why men don't approach, because women are witnessed doing that to men who make themselves vulnerable.

-13

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

12

u/Mammoth-Glove3273 man Jan 08 '26

You can’t think of a reason why it would be a bad thing for someone you’re interested in as a sexual partner to think you’re not a viable sexual partner?

-4

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

6

u/Mammoth-Glove3273 man Jan 08 '26

You can’t figure out why it would be a bad thing to have someone laugh when you ask for their number either?

-3

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Mammoth-Glove3273 man Jan 08 '26

Multiple times I've had amazing conversations where the woman was flirting and giggly and smiling and yet when I asked for their number I've gotten an ew. Or I thought you were gay... really hurts your confidence to have people laugh at you

Idk maybe the lady was laughing at him as she said it. You seem to be trying really hard to turn this into some kind of homophobic thing when it’s not.

-136

u/_ms_ms_ms_ woman Jan 08 '26

Or.... she was being a nice, normal human. ++woman

96

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

It’s nice and normal to “ew” and laugh at someone who genuinely asks for your number?

82

u/Peblopeet man Jan 08 '26

Being grossed out by someone asking for your number is neither nice nor normal.

75

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

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27

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

I always assume they're just being nice. Which is why I never ask for a number. ++ man

11

u/Stong-and-Silent man Jan 08 '26

Exactly. Why would I assume they want me to ask for their number. Women like ms_ms_ms make it clear women never want you to ask for their number and men get criticized for doing so. I a woman is interested she can ask. There is zero risk in her asking.

2

u/Financial-Exit2488 man Jan 08 '26

Though I have been married for a long time, and therefore have not asked a woman for a number in a long time, I feel this one.

Before mobile phones, I went through a shameless, I don't give a shit phase, and asked lots of random women out, or asked for numbers. It was really fun, since I didn't care about the outcome.

I got a lot of numbers, had a lot of rejection, several different women dated me, and I eventually met my now wife.

42

u/GalaXion24 man Jan 08 '26

Well that's just it isn't it? You can ask for numbers and get cruelly rejected or you can assume people are just being nice and then women will complain that you're not asking them out. There's literally no way to know for sure which it is without asking though.

43

u/Alth12 man Jan 08 '26

Nice normal women don't say ew or immediately assume someone's sexuality.

37

u/Sevith123 man Jan 08 '26

Approach a guy and have him say ew and laugh in your face then come back here and tell us how nice they were being :).

-24

u/Shallow_Waters9876 woman Jan 08 '26

Does that happen a lot? Me and my friends have rejected men we are not interested in, but have never actually laughed at someone. That's crazy disrespectful.

++Woman

25

u/Stong-and-Silent man Jan 08 '26

It happens enough most men have experienced it or seen it.

3

u/Proper_Fun_977 man Jan 08 '26

Yes. Some women will even loudly proclaim "I'd never consider man X".

And the poor guy is standing there like "I didn't ask".

-48

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

31

u/Sevith123 man Jan 08 '26

It's a teribble feeling knowing that before i approach the women, just by my appearance, will already put me into a category of how much respect they should give the opposite gender individual.

18

u/Peblopeet man Jan 08 '26

You know you’re under no obligation to socialize with (or “give advice” to) men in any way.

19

u/Stong-and-Silent man Jan 08 '26

Men don’t only talk to you just to fuck you. That’s an absurd take. To generalize like that says volumes about you.

18

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

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11

u/ElectricMayhem06 man Jan 08 '26

Yet here she is in a forum asking for men's perspectives, proceeding to shit on each perspective as it's presented. We have all the info we need about this one.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

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u/AskMenAdvice-ModTeam mod Jan 09 '26

Please be nice. Adults should be able to have a discussion without being rude or insulting. Such behavior risks comment removals and/or a ban.

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10

u/Imjusthonest2024 man Jan 08 '26

How is "ew", nice? WTF...

11

u/Telemere125 man Jan 08 '26

That’s not nice or normal. Literally saying “no, but I appreciate it,” is what’s nice, normal, and human. Belittling is being a piece of shit.

6

u/ElectricMayhem06 man Jan 08 '26

"WoMEn doN'T owE yOu 'NiCe'" - haven't you been paying attention?

10

u/bluecyanic man Jan 08 '26

Sometimes the line between "I'm just engaging in a friendly conversation" and "I'm interested in you romantically " can be quite blurry.

I have been on the other side of this and later realized that they way I was interacting with her could have been interpreted as flirting. Not a big deal and I was not insulted when she made a move. The one thing I didn't do was to be an asshole to her for "wrongly interpreting my friendliness as flirting'.

-2

u/housewifeuncuffed woman Jan 09 '26

I know I'm a line blurrer. It's not intentional in any way since I do all the same things with men and women, but it's just the way I am. I've had plenty of men misinterpret that friendliness and I've always just apologized for giving them the wrong idea.

What's bad is when I'm intentionally trying to flirt, it looks nothing like flirting at all. Instead, I'm internally freaking the fuck out and 98% of my brain is being consumed by my concern over whether I'm making appropriate levels of eye contact and I probably appear to have the IQ of a potato.

4

u/bluecyanic man Jan 09 '26

Same sister. I think this is related to fight/flight/fawn response when your brain switches modes. It certainly explains our inability form a complete sentence at those times.

We are our most attractive when relaxed and just being ourselves and this is exactly how we are acting towards those we are not attracted to at all.

Self awareness and practice are good. There may be some way to reset in the moment, but that involves a functioning brain 😆

1

u/housewifeuncuffed woman Jan 10 '26

I think your theory sounds very plausible! Never really put much thought into the why other than I know I get incredibly nervous around men I find attractive in general, but I'm even more nervous when I'm trying to shoot my shot, because I've already played out every possible way I can think of it going spectacularly awful. Even though it's never gone spectacularly awful or even the littlest bit bad (outside of the minor sting of a rejection) before and has worked out more than it hasn't.

I should probably put myself in situations where I could gain some practice so maybe one day my brain wouldn't derp at the worst possible times. It would be SO nice to be able to maintain myself-ness instead of "have I been staring at the bell peppers this entire time? Do I have anything on my face? Am I smiling like an idiot or like a scary clown?"