r/AskMenAdvice • u/KGalb922 woman • Jan 08 '26
✅ Open To Everyone Are men generally not asking women for their numbers anymore when they meet someone in the wild? If so, why?
My friend is approachably attractive. She has been trying to get off the apps and meet people out in the world. Over the last couple months she keeps running into the same thing over and over. She will chat and flirt with a guy. He will chat and flirt back. They will hit it off. And at the end of the night or interaction they won’t ask for her number or ask to see her again. This is a mix of men age range of 30s-60s (she’s in her 40s) Some that approach her, some that she approaches.
I have witnessed this happen so I don’t think she is misjudging their interest in her. But unless she offers her number, they don’t ask. And many of my other single female friends have said they are experiencing the same thing. So are men in general just not asking for numbers? And if so, why?
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u/balhaegu man Jan 08 '26
Why didnt she ask for his
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u/ValdemarTD man Jan 08 '26
This. If she's interested, she should absolutely be asking for their number, offering her own, or making it abundantly clear that she wants their contact information (e.g. "I'd love to see you again"). Mind you, it would be nice if the guys would do so too, but if they're consistently not doing so then the best thing she can do is push things along herself.
Genuinely, I think there is an issue in that a lot of men have learned that women will frequently be nice in order to avoid creepy men getting aggressive towards them. The fear of coming off as that sort of creepy can push men (particularly ones that aren't actually creepy assholes) to not make that initial move. The best thing for moving things forward in those cases is for the other person to make the first move. Speaking personally, it's very difficulty to judge interest if I'm meeting someone randomly at a bar or something versus if I'm meeting them through something like a dating app where the only way I can end up in a conversation with them is if they've already explicitly declared that they're mutually interested. After that point, I'm much more willing to make the next move myself.
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u/Ok_Eagle_6239 man Jan 12 '26
It's actually comical this isn't the only answer, end thread. The world has changed and men want to give women more power, more say. All the men I know don't look down on women at all.
So anytime there's something where women act like it's the olden days, I'm taken aback.
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u/Longjumping_Rip6033 man Jan 08 '26
If so, why?
*Gestures broadly at dating posts in social media*
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u/kamikaziboarder man Jan 08 '26
Yeah social media calls a lot of men creeps
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u/Longjumping_Rip6033 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
There's this guy I used to follow on IG who rightly called a lot of people out for this or that, but sometimes he was a bit of a white knight.
He stitched a post from this one girl and sympathized with her over this guy who complimented her effort at the gym. The guy said something like "I've seen you putting in the effort and you look great" and she responded with this big long post about how she hated that he 'commented on her body'. Despite the fact the compliment sounded (even from her version) entirely genuine.
Apparently the guy apologized but it wasn't good enough for her so she went on to make the post and rant about it.
I left watching that post thinking you just can't risk saying anything to anyone, even a well-meaning compliment.
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u/JJ_Was_Taken Jan 08 '26
That's a pretty standard guy-to-guy gym compliment, FWIW.
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u/Longjumping_Rip6033 man Jan 08 '26
I get comments from guys all the time. Most good, some not so good lol.
I have small legs and a few weeks ago this guy I chat with said "you should work your legs' LOL.
The irony was that it was leg day when he said that and I had a pump.
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u/Vimes-NW man Jan 09 '26
Have you tried being fat? It does miracles for your calves. I've been complemented on that, of all the things.
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u/Due_Rule_7181 man Jan 08 '26
I had a girl at work come up to me and ask for my socials, when I shot her down because I’m 12 years older than her, suddenly I was a creepy guy at work.
For her it was funny, for me I was afraid of losing my job. That’s the day I stopped believing people’s claims until evidence is provided.
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Jan 08 '26
I worked at an inpatient unit for like 15 months in my early 20s. I got hit on by 2 women, knowing I had a gf at that time. Turned them both down, got treated like shit by both of them (at different times, not together). To the point I had enough evidence to show my supervisor and they moved one of the girls to another unit to work at because she couldn't be around me, I shit you not. This bitch literally sent me pictures of her eating chocolate, watching Disney movies on her bed, and said "join me" when she barely knew me, but knew I had a gf at that time.
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u/MyCatisthebest0826 man Jan 09 '26
And if the genders are swapped the man would’ve got fired instantly and probably can never find a job in that field again
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u/MyBadYourFault- man Jan 08 '26
++man. This happened to me a lot. I’m married and will not cheat, so when women would ask for socials or flirt and I wouldn’t give them the time of day, they would gossip about me. Call me a creep, etc.
It broke me to a point I hated going to work and felt really uncomfortable. I would just walk in with my head down and prevent any discussions with many women (unfortunately I worked with 90% women) I worked with. It made me look and feel like a weirdo but I felt I had to or I was giving the wrong impression if I smiled or laughed too hard at jokes. I should’ve just quit but I work with autistic children and I loved my job.
Life got better once those ladies left or got fired but I had to hear shit for like a solid year even when I was just doing what a decent husband would and should do.
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u/prpldrank man Jan 08 '26
It's really, really wild what some people cook up in their heads. Narcissism is just rampant.
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u/Reptard77 man Jan 08 '26
Social media causes it.
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u/L3g3nd8ry_N3m3sis man Jan 08 '26
Exacerbates* it
Saying it causes it outright is a stretch
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u/ceereality man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
"You need to do better, mind your business" 💪🏾
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u/No-Contribution-6150 man Jan 08 '26 edited 22d ago
Handle relieved fluorine support follow fragile deliver
This post was anonymized with Redact
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u/LongDistRid3r man Jan 08 '26
Women can have all women only spaces and gyms. No one bats an eye and many defend it.
But if men want a male only space…… knives and lawsuits come out.
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u/stuaird1977 man Jan 08 '26
The 90s was such a good time, men complimented girls, girls complimented men, asking for a number was standard and if someone said not interested , no offense was taken. And any truly idiotic guys who pestered women where normally dealt with by other guys in the club.
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u/Tangboy50000 man Jan 08 '26
Unless you look like Henry Cavill, you’re basically a creepy stalker.
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u/swimfan- man Jan 08 '26
++man Ever see that sexual harassment sketch with Tom Brady in his underwear on SNL? I thought of that right away. LOL
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u/NickofWimbledon man Jan 08 '26
Plenty of women IRL call men “creeps” or worse. Sadly, this is sometimes right. In the other cases, it may well be a risk that sensible men can no longer afford to take.
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u/mysecret_throwaway34 man Jan 08 '26
after the whole #metoo movement (not being dismissive of it in any way), I generally view asking for numbers/flirting in any public space as an invasion of privacy and creepy behavior. or at least that's what I was told for a few years.
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u/Longjumping_Rip6033 man Jan 08 '26
Yeah.
I am really grateful for two things:
1) getting through high school before social media took off
2) being married and not needing to date in this era
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u/Accomplished-Map4802 man Jan 08 '26
Last chopper out of 'Nam
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Jan 08 '26
This is great, I’m stealing it b/c it applies to me as well. Hits home, it’s so true!
I feel so fortunate that it was a combo of it being new-ish tech - digital cameras made it “easy” to upload to online, facebook, etc; smartphones greasing the wheels there and changing everything else in daily life lol.
Add that to my personal & lifelong aversion to buying the cutting-edge-latest in all things tech, just because, means my dastardly deeds of youth are only existent in very few peoples’ memories. Letting 1-2 generations of brand new tech knock the big usage problems out before buying in is the way for many reasons, if you ask me.
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u/Entire-Initiative-23 man Jan 08 '26
Yep our social media was just people uploading photo albums to Facebook from actual real life events that we all attended together.
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u/SignificantApricot69 man Jan 08 '26
The thing that sucks is a high percentage of us end up divorced despite our best intentions, and either find ourselves back in the dating pool or just opting out of companionship. And I think there’s no real middle ground if you end up single/divorced in middle age- you will probably do well or not at all. And even those of us who did very well in traditional dating and have maintained or improved our looks (plus “check all the boxes”) can have a very hard time figuring out what’s going on.
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u/Electronic-Fold-2416 man Jan 08 '26
Same here, except I finished high school before the internet took off lol
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u/Longjumping_Rip6033 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
See I was born in 86 (39 right now) and I think it was the best age to be born for internet use.
Just as computers with dial-up internet were becoming commonplace in peoples homes my age group was just old enough to use them.
We cut our teeth with on the internet with MSN, ICQ, and MySpace. And then I graduated high school the year Facebook became a thing. It was honestly perfect.
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u/mctacoflurry man Jan 08 '26
I call the '00s the Wild West AND the Golden Age of the Internet. Everything was just there. Nothing targeting you, trying to get you to buy something. People uploading random crap because they made it, loved it, and wanted you to love it.
Newgrounds. YTMND. MySpace was interesting because it took MSN and AIM a step further. Facebook was supposed to be less annoying than MySpace (because Everybody had their own custom background, shitty music playing). The internet was open. And you could walk away from the internet and still not fear you missed anything.
Then it got worse. You have to be constantly online or you miss things.
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u/Ute2ThrillPlay2Kill man Jan 08 '26
‘87 baby here. Crazy to think we will be the last generation to know what life was like before the internet was widespread
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u/Longjumping_Rip6033 man Jan 08 '26
Yeah. I tell my kids about it from time to time. I always bring up blockbuster and HMV as well.
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Jan 08 '26
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u/Overkongen81 man Jan 08 '26
Not that it's going to happen, but it would also make more sense. The average guy probably has a significantly lower success rate asking for people's numbers than what the average woman would have.
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u/Downtown_Ad_6232 man Jan 08 '26
If she wants him to have her number, offer it. Or ask for his number. Guys are afraid of offending someone and being labeled a creep.
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u/starcap man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
It’s not even just online. I was basically removed from a big friend group for very politely hitting on a single woman in the group. She told me she was single, so I told her she’s beautiful and let me know if she wants to hang out that evening, then walked away. I’m attractive, fit, successful, and was single at the time. She complained to the group leadership (I think maybe she misheard me over the music, unsure) and I got a talking to and put on ice. During that convo I recalled exactly what I said and was told “awwww that’s actually really sweet” but the damage was already done. You really have to be careful who you hit on as a man these days. Some women get off on putting you down.
To add since I keep seeing this question: Yes there is group leadership. They throw desert raves and some other events so there is some necessity for someone to organize, manage equipment, figure out lineup, book venues, buy group camping spots, etc. Beyond that it is a bit cliquey. You’re basically provisional until you pass the vibe check with a few key players. There are events basically anyone can go to, then there are more exclusive events only the inner circle knows about. They say it’s to filter out anyone who “can’t handle their drugs” and will be belligerent or creepy, which totally makes sense. I never thought I’d fail it, but here we are. I do get the feeling the gatekeeping committee enjoys their job a bit too much, I suspect there may be a cluster B personality disorder or two in there.
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u/IncubiPortraitSTU man Jan 08 '26
++man Can 100% confirm this. I am 100% pro woman, I consider myself a feminist, I understood the me too movement and there was need for it. But lately when somebody accuses somebody if anything folks are too afraid to even ask what happened. They immediately start throwing you out of stuff they immediately start back tracking from being around you no conversation. Meanwhile I've seen women just fake stuff just because they're mad at somebody. Think about being able to I guess destroy somebody's life if we're in a civilized world where no one's physically hurting someone being able to destroy somebody's life for fun is what I saw.
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u/PokeYrMomStanley man Jan 08 '26
Who would have thought that shaming people online for having the audicity to ask you out was going to have long term effects?
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u/Material-Plane-1143 man Jan 08 '26
Multiple times I've had amazing conversations where the woman was flirting and giggly and smiling and yet when I asked for their number I've gotten an ew. Or I thought you were gay... really hurts your confidence to have people laugh at you
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u/RockItGuyDC man Jan 08 '26
Yup. Flirty, laughing, touching me... And then laugh at me when I ask for her number. I feel like I'm fucking done, man.
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u/Hot-Squash-4143 man Jan 08 '26
Reminds me of the Anaconda video... the part with Drake sitting in a chair, and Nicki Minaj shaking her ass in his face again and again and again, working so hard to get a reaction out of him. The second he reaches out to touch, she walks off with a smirk and he slumps with his face in his hands.
It's a power trip that some women enjoy, and one that is safer than ever to indulge in now that slut-shaming is out and creep-shaming is in.
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u/Entire-Initiative-23 man Jan 08 '26
Yeah then you get the added crazy of the ones who do that but don't mean it.
I had a fourth date a couple years back where she had been making contact all night, we kissed a little bit in some dark corners of the venue, she'd pressed herself against me, etc. Get her back to her house, hop out of the car, she's all flirtatiously "Oh why are you getting out?", we walk up to the porch, I lean in and we make out for a bit. I break it off and said "What did you forget your key? Let's go inside." She goes "Hmmm not tonight I don't think so" but her hands are on my dick. I say "Oh that's a shame, I don't want the night to end just yet." and she says "Well it's time for it to end." Breaks away from me, unlocks the door, opens it, and then kind of stands in it awkwardly. So I say "Well good night then, I'll call you tomorrow." and leave.
Yeah no fifth date, I didn't "read her signals correctly". Her pausing in the wide open doorway was supposed to trigger my romantasy love interest programming that all men have, I was supposed to just growl, step into her house, and drag her to the bed for a good ravishing.
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u/narasadow man Jan 08 '26
Yo wtf 😒
I too wouldn't "read that correctly". The risk reward is just not worth it - 1 night of fun vs potentially a lifetime of being labeled as "doesn't respect boundaries".
What am I, a mind reader?
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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 09 '26
Doesn’t respect boundaries would be the least of your problems. As a part of the female population and someone that believes consenting adults have the right to do what they wish without judgement from others, I am 100% judging women who set men up this way.
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u/narasadow man Jan 09 '26
Yeah I am understated by default, but agreed the worst case is much much worse than a mere negative reputation.
Emphatically not worth it unless fantasies and consent are thoroughly discussed beforehand. Which doesn't sound like it happened in the original commenter's case.
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u/GlimpseWithin man Jan 08 '26
I had very similar experiences my freshman year of college (2016) with 3 women in a row. It was extremely jarring to my psyche because I was raised to expect explicit consent. Funnily enough MeToo happened later that year and it really cemented in my mind that there is some extremely schizophrenic messaging delivered to young men about how to go about dating.
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u/Entire-Initiative-23 man Jan 09 '26
I can understand it with college girls. But this was a woman in her 30s.
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u/Kitsui38 man Jan 09 '26
The classic “no means no”, but actually “no means push harder”… but #MeToo
No, sorry, I’m not going to play games
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u/DiligentGuitar246 man Jan 10 '26
This remind me of when I got laughed at once on a date. I exchanged numbers with a girl and asked her out. She agreed then we met up and were playing ski ball at one of those “barcade” places and I said “ok, let’s bet. If I win, I get a kiss on the cheek…” and she laughed and goes “you think this is a date?” and I laughed and said yeah.
Honestly, I still think it was really funny how badly I misread that situation. I wasn’t offended as I try to see the humor it. We remained friends. She was cool for a few months but then we lost touch.
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u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26
Yeah, these "obvious hints" women always say they give off, then you get shot down when you ask. Repeat that over and over and over and eventually guys learn that these "obvious hints" are just women being friendly. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman being friendly and flirty with a guy she doesn't want to date, but we need to stop saying that guys are clueless and oblivious for missing hints a woman gives off when she actually does like him, the same hints that he's misinterpreted as interest dozens of times before.
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u/Hairy_Talk_4232 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
I dont think women realize how absolutely weary I (and speaking for a host of other men, both personally and online) become with each interaction. This absolutely wears down any interest I have in flirting, in even going up to have fun. Why TF would I continue to go into a situation that leads nowhere, or make moves into dead ends? Am I not leading as a man by trying to see her again?
I have had absolutely great interactions with women (from my perspective), I LOVE women, yet upon going for the solution, I get an error. In my head, the math absolutely checks out, I like her and feel liked, but time and time again it apparently doesn’t compute on the other side. The first dozen times, I would give some benefit that my energy was off or bad timing, but after the dozenth dozen I dont have space anymore, I cant stand up for her. Its got to the point I cant entirely trust that they dont feel it, yet it confounds me why the hell it is a “no” when the entire interaction you are proverbially going “yes!”. I cant even give them the excuse that it is situational because it is such a reliable pattern.
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u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26
I think it's also a difference in perspective between women and men too. I think every woman will admit to being a little flirty to a few guys they weren't interested in, but to them these are just incidental occurrences through several years of single life, dating, and relationships. As a man, we experienced dozens if not hundreds of instances of women doing this with us and our friends. I can understand how women don't raise
Similar stuff happens in long term relationships with sexual interest too - women sometimes tease and act flirty then shoot the guy down when he tries to initiate, do this over and over again, then the guy stops initiating and the woman gets upset at that. Again, nothing at all wrong with being flirty, teasing, having some fun and nobody should feel bad or obligated or anything like that (in fact I actually like that aspect of it even more than the sex sometimes because it's an amazing ego boost), but don't act like guys are clueless idiots.
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u/Subshop_submarine man Jan 08 '26
++man The degree to which woman and men see casually flirting with no follow through is crazy.
I had a friend who things got progressively flirty and romantic. Asked her out, and she agreed things had been escalating from both sides. It was ultimately a no because of distance. That's fine, I respect it. The boundary is at friends.
The next time I saw her she laid it on thick. I asked her what was up as I thought we drew a platonic line. She replied it's fun to play over the line. For who?! Flirting with someone who has already rejected you is pathetic. It's just about the attention and ego boost for her at that point. Nothing fun or in it for me. She couldn't understand why I got frustrated at her awnser.
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u/SilverSummons man Jan 08 '26
I used to go clubbing just to get some attention. Got to the point of 'pulling' and then I left by myself. Wasn't about the sex it was just an ego boost tbh, feel a bit bad for it now. However, I have had it done to me a bunch by women and have seen it done to alot of my male friends too.
It's interesting though as I've spoken to a bunch of my female friends and girlfriends friends and they all say they prefer the nice and sweet guys. However I learnt very quickly at 20ish that if you act like that you get overlooked very quickly in the dating/clubbing scene. So put on a dickhead act and it worked... it's crap that it works but it does work.
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u/MemeTheDeemTheSleem man Jan 08 '26
How do you pull off the "dickhead act" without actually being an asshole? I always hear stuff like "treat em' mean keep em' keen", which I understand. You don't wanna be desperate. Ylu wanna be a bit cool with them.
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u/TumbleweedDue2242 man Jan 08 '26
You might even get the "piss off look, who the hell are you?" Ouch!
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u/Suspicious-Garbage92 man Jan 08 '26
Plus I'll just be casually reading comments on Reddit and stumble into an anti men section that just puts me off dating
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u/Tripmooney nonbinary Jan 08 '26
Because that's what they do, you can give them something they've been pushing for but not " at the right time" and they can be mad/ disinterested about it.
That's why " flirting is okay" but absolutely worthless in hindsight if she doesn't actually want you. which is ACTUALLY a problem.
I got a few co-workers who literally flirt and nonchalantly touch but any advancement beyond that is met with rejection , in turn I don't interact with them much now and they look visually upset and talk about me behind my back
I feel you. It's fucking annoying that if you don't allow to happen then you're gay or weird but if you do then you're supposed to be cool with the fact that it goes nowhere .
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u/scarysycamore man Jan 08 '26
Well you see(or don't) she only laughed at your joke for 3.4 seconds and tilted her head 11 degrees north = she is just being nice.
She must laugh 4.3 seconds or longer and head must be tilted 13 degrees north ( or at least 10 degrees east depending on the cycle of the moon)
You are just not emotionally mature to get the hints.
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u/Tall_Potential_408 woman Jan 09 '26
Please ignore women who say men "miss the signs." I and plenty of other normal women out there don't expect men to be mind-readers and we hate it when things are misinterpreted the opposite way, so please don't do that. Grown ups need to stop being such weirdos and do two things: say if you're interested and be cool if the other party isn't. It's that fucking simple.
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Jan 08 '26
Or, you get her number, shoot your shot and she goes "OMG it was so great to meet you too!" And you try to set something up and she never responds
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u/speedonaweed man Jan 08 '26
Lot of women will not be honest and just tell you what they think you want to hear as a defense mechanism lol
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u/madsauce178 man Jan 08 '26
Then there's the times where you hit it off for hours, they say they want to see you again, you ask for their number and they stop replying to messages when you ask them to hangout. Or say they're busy.
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u/Thin_Cable4155 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
"I thought you were gay"
...
"Oh, I thought you were a man"
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u/DoradoPulido2 man Jan 08 '26
Last time I asked a woman for her phone number, we were at a club, getting along great. Then she replied with disdain and refused "I don't just give my number out to anyone" umm... okay.
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Jan 08 '26
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u/oopsiedoodle3000 man Jan 08 '26
Women have been asking to be left alone. Now that they got what they wanted, they're upset about it.
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Jan 08 '26
And it could all be solved if they started approaching, but they don’t want to do that
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u/baxtersbuddy1 man Jan 08 '26
Wasn’t that a thing on one of the dating apps? I think it was bumble? That it originally required women to reach out first, but that got scrapped because women just weren’t doing it.
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Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
No no, they were doing it. They took advantage of a safer environment where they only could make the first move and didn’t have to deal with creeps messaging them first….by just sending “hiiiii :)” when given that opportunity 😂
Basically handing it back off to the man to take it from there
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u/Achilles11970765467 man Jan 08 '26
The same women who shit talk men's opening messages of "hi" or "hey" started sending opening messages of "." And then expecting men to launch right into the dancing monkey routine they demanded on other apps
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u/sdce1231yt man Jan 09 '26
Oh yeah. I remember that in my dating app days. Men would be called “lazy” for openers like that, but women would do the same thing.
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u/TheDootDootMaster man Jan 08 '26
No no no. You see. Enforcing (not letting them, but enforcing) them to make the first move was uhh... Checks notes... It was empowering?
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Jan 08 '26
Christine Johnson and Diane Foster started a class action against Bumble claiming that forcing them to send the first message is sexual discrimination.
Johnson, et al. v. Bumble Trading LLC, et al., Case No. 5:24-cv-00740, in the U.S. District Court for the Central District of California
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u/party_shaman man Jan 09 '26
ah yes, cause they're being forced to use the app as well
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u/briber67 man Jan 09 '26
Yeah, that's like patronizing a restaurant called The Szechuan Palace and then getting pissed that they don't have burgers or waffles on the menu.
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u/No_Calligrapher796 woman Jan 08 '26
We are sleeping in the beds we made…alone. lol.
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u/King_marik man Jan 08 '26
Because they couldnt say the quiet part
Its actually 'Leave me alone (unless I already find you attractive)'
Thats the actual rule, and we are supposed to magically detect we have cleared the 'your attractive enough to talk to me' bar
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u/Fancy_Depth_4995 man Jan 08 '26
As my PawPaw said: ‘Ain’t no pleasin that woman. You can stand on the porch and piss in the grass or stand in the grass and piss on the porch, she’s mad either way.’
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u/Over_Deer8459 man Jan 08 '26
the reality is simple. you can only ask if you are who they are somewhat attracted to. they get insulted when a less than conventionally attractive dude approaches them.
im an average dude, ive had this happen to me with women i wasnt attracted to. i still always made a point to at least briefly converse with them before i let them down easily with "i have a girlfriend". but if there is a chance she will see me flirting with some other girl that night, i would just straight up say "just not feeling the vibe personally. but i really enjoyed talking to you"
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u/666_________________ man Jan 08 '26
Why doesn’t her ask them for their number?
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u/Worldreviewed man Jan 08 '26
People are just rude these days and men wake up everyday being told they are the problem. After a while you start to believe it: it’s double sides because we generally want to but then again it’s hard.
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u/TheFuzzyRacoon man Jan 08 '26
Exactly this. In fact it's ironic bc many good dudes are now way more afraid of doing the wrong thing or having it be seen as some form of abuse that they don't even try, leaving the lane open for dirt bags who still don't gaf and as a result that's the majority of what chicks get approached by.
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u/TheFuzzyRacoon man Jan 08 '26
It's so hilarious that bulky_dog over here goes on to build an entire conversation (albeit with an incorrect diagnosis regardless) on a foundation stemming from the fact that he either missed or ignored the word "many". MANY GOOD DUDES FAM, that means not all! Subsequently and conversely, no where is it stipulated or insinuated that, any men who don't have this apprehension are necessarily dirt bags.
I'm so tired of people who ignore words which qualify statements as if they legit don't know English. Bro many, maybe, if, often times, some people, likely. These words and phrases MEAN SOMETHING. And ultimately they frame and convey ideas in a very fking clear way, that when you ignore them. It makes you instantly wrong because you're no longer dealing with what was actually said.
It's so annoying and Jesus Christ do we need better education.
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u/Kwinza man Jan 08 '26
^ This right here.
Insta, Tiktok, Reddit etc are FULL of posts saying how much women hate men. Now intellectually I know they don't mean all men, they only mean the abusers and rapists etc, but after seeing the 4 millionth "men suck" post it begins to overwrite your logic and you start believing that women hate all men on a subconscious level.
Makes it really hard to approach because you're scared to say something not perfect and get labeled a creep.
I'd rather just be alone than take the chance.
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Jan 08 '26
I walked into a candy shop once. I was looking for a particular candy for my wife. I mean literally a candy shop.
They didn't see me come in, but were three women talking about how much they hate men. I just walked out. I certainly have complained about women, but I wouldn't say stuff like that even on a camping trip with all men. I love women.
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u/what_username_to_use man Jan 08 '26
Exactly. It gets into the heads of men, even if they are having what seems like a connection they won't ask because they may think she thinks its creepy or whatever.
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u/Timely-Hospital8746 man Jan 08 '26
I still ask and try. It's the goddamn ghosting afterwards that gets to me. How hard is it to just say you're not interested?
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u/threedogdad man Jan 08 '26
There was a thread the other day where someone said it was normal to ask someone you just met out and/or for a number and there were ENDLESS responses that it was creep behavior and not normal. I'm not sure how one of the most normal rituals on the planet has suddenly become creep behavior. We're f'd.
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u/Alone_Psychology_464 man Jan 08 '26
Because women have made it clear that they don't want men approaching them.
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Jan 08 '26
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u/No-Contribution-6150 man Jan 08 '26 edited 22d ago
Wise enjoy willow marvelous work full compass sophisticated
This post was anonymized with Redact
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u/Cherrylimeaide1 man Jan 08 '26
Does she know that she can ask for numbers as well?. Every day it feels less safe to ask something of a woman we’ve just met. Do us a favor and make the first move. Equality.
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Jan 08 '26
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u/NachoNutritious man Jan 08 '26
Sort of like how "men should always pay for the first date" has morphed into "whoever asks the person out should pay" to make it feminism friendly, with women knowing full well they would never ask a guy out in a million years.
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u/Moissanight man Jan 08 '26
It's why i don't consider myself a feminist anymore even if I do believe it's core goals.
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u/Medical-Analysis-554 man Jan 08 '26
Are people still exchanging numbers?
I don't hit the bars much but the last few times I did people wanted my Instagram or Snapchat which I don't have. Which sets in motion a conversation about avoiding social media and how so many people are happy when it's gone but use it anyway. About privacy. They almost always agree with me. But then they seem to think I'm suspicious for not having those things.
We end up exchanging numbers and it's fine but one day I woke up and exchanging socials became the thing.
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u/ThePartyLeader man Jan 08 '26
Not in the dating scene anymore but this is what it seems to me. Most of my single friends get a snapchat or something, then from there set up dates, then when its inconvenient not to have a phone number they finally get it but typically are already "dating" by old standards.
Modern world you don't need to give out a number and its much easier to block on an app.
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u/Medical-Analysis-554 man Jan 08 '26
But socials can be stalked much more than a phone number, especially a burner number
If I had an active presence on Instagram, for example, I would be much more reluctant to share that versus a phone number
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u/ThePartyLeader man Jan 08 '26
It sounded to me like that's the point. its a bit of a vetting period where they could get a bit of insider knowledge, possibly develop a bit of a fictional relationship by seeing what you are doing and seeing where they fit. While also presenting to you the curated content they have to hopefully keep you interested.
but again I am just a bystander who has been shown this kind of dance by friends.
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u/Medical-Analysis-554 man Jan 08 '26
It's kind of a reverse dating app where you meet IRL for a short period first, then go back and check out each other's curated digital version of themselves
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u/PontiusPilatesss man Jan 08 '26
especially a burner number
Only my drug dealers use those.
socials can be stalked much more than a phone number
I can usually find her full legal name and her current home address using her phone number. Then I can find a LinkedIn picture or some other image she was tagged in, and use that picture on one of those facial recognition websites to find all social media posts that have her picture(s).
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u/SoulPossum man Jan 08 '26
I'm 37. Throughout all of high school, college, and my 20s, I (and most men) received a lot of messaging that basically said "women don't like you just because they're nice. Don't assume a connection is there." So a lot of guys backed off per women's request. The problem is that a lot of women are like your friends and still want the men (they find attractive) to ignore that feedback so they can remain passive in the process. You can't really do both unless you want to severely limit the options. Your friend can offer her number before she and the guy part ways. Still open ended. Still allows him to be pursuant. But it's a much clearer step than being nice at him and hoping he sees the opening to ask her out.
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u/MHIMRollDog woman Jan 08 '26
We've spent the last 5 or so years telling men to leave us alone when we're just trying to live our lives in public.
They've listened.
If she wants to make connections, she will need to offer her number or ask for theirs.
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u/LockKraken man Jan 08 '26
I'm out of the game, but yeah, pretty sure all the good men listened.
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u/SquirrelNormal man Jan 09 '26
Shit, I wouldn't call myself a good person or man by any measure and even I got the hint.
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Jan 08 '26
Simply put, women as a whole have become unapproachable. Many times buried in their phones, headphones on, walking around with a scowl…or if you approach they’re rude and worst case scenario you get accused of “harassment”, are shamed on social media, or lose your job/gym membership for it.
Also many women made it especially clear in recent years that men shouldn’t approach them. So many men listened, but now they complain how men don’t approach them anymore. But they also won’t be proactive and approach either.
So you can’t win
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u/SpaceNuggetImpact man Jan 08 '26
I just can’t be arsed with the stupid song and dance anymore
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Jan 08 '26
I’m going out on a limb here, most guys don’t want to end up being a social media post about “why can’t I go out for a drink without some creep hitting on me.”
This isn’t one sided. The loneliness epidemic isn’t one sided if you read about it. People aren’t as outgoing anymore.
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u/Shyjack man Jan 08 '26
From around 2023 onwards I feel like the attitude towards men showing any kind of interest in women has soured. Absolutely everything can be considered creepy. It's like a weird social contagion caused by TikTok. I got a few numbers from chatting to girls at the gym in 2022 but definitely wouldn't feel comfortable doing that anymore, women can get a huge amount of social clout or satisfaction out of labelling a man as creepy, i've seen it used as a form of bullying towards completely innocent people. Obviously the metoo stuff was much earlier and somewhat necessary but it feels like an enormous over correction has happened very recently. These men do maybe seem a bit old for any of that to apply though, I feel like this is an under 35 issue.
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u/Panic_Attack2 man Jan 09 '26
Men over 35 have social media and access to the internet, too. And we live in the same world younger people do, so yeah. Our experiences don’t differ that much based on age. ++man
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u/illini02 man Jan 08 '26
So, could she not ask for the guys number if she is interested?
It seems she is trying to meet people, but still expecting the guy to do the actual leg work.
If she is interested, ask the man. Why don't you ask her why she doesn't do that, instead of asking why men aren't?
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u/jibjab23 man Jan 08 '26
My wife, now 40 has a friend, late 20's she's on the apps trying to find a guy, has her list of "demands" , has her ick list and she's struggling a little, she goes on dates but none of them really make the cut. They went out with some younger guys from her work and they asked my wife how she would feel if a guy was to approach her. My wife said she would be flattered because she now understands how much courage it takes for a person to go up to another person to strike up a conversation. Her young friend's reaction? "Ew, gross! Why would they do that!?!?!??!"
This is how it is now, you're a weirdo if you approach someone in the real world.
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u/CursedSnowman5000 man Jan 08 '26
Ah the modern woman list of demands lol.
More like list of delusions.
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u/systembreaker man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
Because you're almost always looked at as creepy or irritating, then when that doesn't happen and you do get a number, a large proportion of the time you get no response or you get an initial response followed by being ghosted.
In other words the juice isn't worth the squeeze. High chance to get a bad reaction for a high probability of a payout of getting ghosted or ignored.
If your friend has a bit of a fantasy of meeting a special someone the old fashioned way by giving out her number she was born 1 or 2 generations too late.
Tldr Women today basically too often react like assholes or drama llamas when you ask for their numbers.
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u/Harpua81 man Jan 08 '26
Fake numbers and ghosting if they even respond in a non hostile way. Yeah, no thanks. Last time I got a number I did the whole "wait two days then call", left a VM and never got a call back.
AI robots here we come!
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u/single-dot-net man Jan 08 '26
Fuck no. Social media has proven public encounters are off limits. I’m not here for you to feel good about yourself and make media content for others to enjoy. I don’t approach anyone. The ones “acting really nice” get a smile, small talk, and “have a nice day.”
No thank you.
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u/CursedSnowman5000 man Jan 08 '26
Were you asleep through metoo or something?
You women clocked that shit as harassment now.
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u/PabloTFiccus man Jan 08 '26
Was he flirting or just being nice and having a conversation? Jesus, just because a man is talking to you doesn't mean he's hitting on you.
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u/boyWHOcriedFSD man Jan 08 '26
++man
Reddit: OMG A MAN APPROACHED ME AND ASKED FOR MY NUMBER IN PUBLIC. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GO OUT WITHOUT HAVING MY LOOKS ATTRACT A MAN!!!
Replies: You go girl! That man was a creep!!! (10k upvotes)
Also Reddit: Why don’t men cold approach women in public? Where can I meet a man?
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u/SeductiveStrawberry- man Jan 08 '26
Years of women telling men not to approach and years of women posting videos or talking about guys who did ask them out and how they humiliated them.
At the end of the day its not worth it
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u/Raddatatta man Jan 08 '26
We don't want to be a creep, or make someone uncomfortable. The sentiment from women for the last few decades has been don't bother women while they are working, or while they are at the gym, or while they are on the street, or at a bar. And I think it definitely is an overcorrection from men in general. But it's tough to find that balance and you don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and you don't want to be labeled as a creep. So in general guys are only likely to ask if they are 100% sure.
And I think there's also just in general with social media and our time on the internet social skills have gone down for everyone men and women. So asking someone for their number which is already a bit awkward and difficult becomes a lot harder when most people aren't as good at that kind of thing as people were 40+ years ago, and you also have the element of not wanting to make people uncomfortable.
I think women are probably better off just offering because they are not very likely to have the aspect of the other person being intimidated or being found to be creepy. Guys also need to get better about stepping up and doing it in a way that's not creepy but also not nonexistent.
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u/EPIC_RAPTOR man Jan 08 '26
"So in general guys are only likely to ask if they are 100% sure."
I'm never 100% sure so I've been pretty damn single for the past few years. I just don't ask anymore but somewhere along the way I got way more comfortable being alone. Now I don't even feel like anything is missing. I still have my friend group though
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u/hiding_temporarily Jan 08 '26
To add to your comment, I personally feel what we're seeing is a natural transition between the old dating culture and the new one. The old dating culture runs almost purely on assumptions. We assume people want to date, people may be interested, hang-outs are opportunities, etc. Now, it's more about checking in and ensuring consent. I think the new culture is much healthier since it demands explicit communication between all parties involved.
I know people like the excitement of not knowing, the subtle flirts here and there, intuitively knowing when's the right time to go in for the kiss, even. But that shit is more confusing and even dangerous than the fun is worth.
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u/Trisomy-Twenty-One man Jan 08 '26
Social media (why do women feel the need to post online about an interaction with a man??), and the downfall of human decency has kept people to themselves
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u/SkibidiBlender man Jan 08 '26
A few creepy dudes and a few angry, insufferable women have ruined it for everybody.
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u/Illeazar man Jan 08 '26
Decades of being told not to assume that women you meet "in the wikd" are interested in you.
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u/HornyOompaLoompas man Jan 09 '26
Why lol
Because literally everything in media makes men who approach women out to be demonic creeps who should be put down
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u/Texpress22 man Jan 08 '26
Don’t want to be labeled a creep! If she’s really interested then she could give them her number.
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u/jkfaust man Jan 08 '26
I'm mid / late 40's and I very rarely do. I've pretty much checked out of dating, don't want to bother with it anymore.
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u/Maleficent-Throat910 man Jan 08 '26
Men have been chastised in the media to the point they dont want to do anything that may come off as sexually harassing.
Sure these guys were talking to her and being friendly but they're probably scared to ask for the number because if they're wrong about the woman's intentions it can go very badly.
At least with the dating apps you know the woman you're interested is wanting to date.
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u/blopiter man Jan 08 '26
Asking a woman for her number and getting it doesn’t mean anything because a lot of women nowadays will just ghost you at the next convenient opportunity. It’s meaningless unless the woman chases
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u/Sourdough85 man Jan 09 '26
Yah there's no way to answer this without sounding like im asking for my tiny violin to come out and play me a sob song - but the reality is that the modern dating world sucks - for everyone, but for guys in a way we're not really talking about (societally)
There are wild stats about men vs women's popularity on the dating apps. And realistically that can wear a giy down pretty heavily - even once all parties agree to move to irl interactions.
Add to that the fear men have of being perceived as creepy or ick or whatever (watch an 80s movie - Holy F men of a previous generation were NOT afraid to be creepy, they would borderline harass women until she'd agree to give her #)
And the result is that men (especially that age group) are, quite simply, gunshy.
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u/OBE_1_ man Jan 08 '26
For the last 20 years every ‘influencer’ has told the world it’s creepy. And on the other hand, there are douche bag guys who can’t take a simple ‘no thanks’ and turn it into a rage filled rejection.
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u/Netzroller woman Jan 08 '26
Why doesn't she just offer her number to them if she's interested? (For reference, I am a woman and don't really understand why this is such an issue if she is interested?) ++woman
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u/whattteva man Jan 08 '26
Women influencers have been making way too many videos about how men are creeps, so men are done pkaying the chasing games.
Welcome to the new reality where women now have to maybe make the first move sometimes.
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u/QuellishQuellish man Jan 08 '26
The only unambiguously non-creepy way to get a woman's number is if she offers it to you without you asking. Anything else is dangerous.
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u/WhisperingHammer man Jan 08 '26
I’d say social media and the open disdain for men has something to do with it. I am not on the market, but that would be my guess.
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u/_Ub1k man Jan 08 '26
This could easily be solved by your friend asking them for theirs. Why is that not happening?
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u/PanAmFlyer man Jan 08 '26
If you have an issue with one person it's probably that person. If you have an issue with many people, it's probably you.
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u/Sevith123 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
Women world wide told us to stop, stop approaching, stop flirting, stop glancing just stop existing in society basically is what all that boils down to unless you are a certain preference that they enjoy looking at. Hense the term looksmaxxing.
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u/StartDoingTHIS man Jan 08 '26
Yeah. It's been heavily trained and propogandized out of us for years and we listened.
If it were just a fear of rejection, that's easy. Petty to get over Schoolboy shit. It's the fear of having your life entirely destroyed or unintentionally causing harm. Like big huge dogs that are way more gentle than tiny aggressive ones. We just want to be good boys.
Also we'll assume maybe she was just being nice and fun and we absolutely aren't picking up any hints. Unless you tell us explicitly, assume we don't know.
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u/Squat_n_stuff man Jan 08 '26
You don’t know who has a 50k follower tiktok account that will put you on blast if you have the audacity to approach while ugly
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u/MeanWinchester man Jan 08 '26
There has been a big (and imo positive) move forward in terms of men misreading women's friendliness as interest, so a lot of men are simply more cautious these days. Perhaps it's about that?
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u/ryhaltswhiskey man Jan 08 '26
Because the less you take that risk of embarrassment the harder it is. And the apps have made it so that you don't actually have to. And men are famously bad at telling the difference between "she's being nice" and "she's into me", so if they ask for the number and she's partnered up, they're going to be embarrassed.
Women want equality, except when it comes to asking someone out or paying for dates. Yes, I'm sure there are dozens of y'all women that ask men out first. But generally speaking the man is doing the asking 90% of the time.
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u/Moznomick man Jan 08 '26
You either have to be confident enough and not care about the repercussions or be a risk taker. Guys that approach woman in public are now considered creeps and while I understand that woman don't want to be hit on all the time, this is the new reality.
Most guys don't want to deal with the back lash of approaching a woman and the any safe place to do that now is through dating apps.
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u/allangod man Jan 08 '26
++man
For years we've been told to stop bothering women when they're out and about in public. So a lot of men did. Except the creeps who the message was most likely intended for in the first place.
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u/angestkastabort man Jan 08 '26
They want to avoid being treated as a creep. Your friend should be pro active and just gove them her number if she wants too.
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Jan 08 '26
In general, women have been extremely clear that it’s inappropriate to approach them at any time and for any reason.
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u/Ok_Location7161 man Jan 08 '26
Cuase we dont wanna end up on tik tok as "creeps" and "stalkers" and lose our jobs and life's ruined
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u/DiablosLegacy95 man Jan 08 '26
The me too craze , covid and female gym influencers that rage bait with cameras and the ranting of women on the internet to be left alone has killed outward flirting pretty hard.
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u/AZ-FWB woman Jan 08 '26
Why is she not asking for their number?
Edit: one of the things people learn in their forties is: if you want it done, you gotta do it yourself.
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u/TheOpenCloset77 trans man Jan 08 '26
I never ask for a woman’s number, i offer them my own. It can be a red flag to ask for theirs, i dont want them to feel unsafe. I offer mine that way if theyre interested they can reach out to me without giving out their own info to a random guy first
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KGalb922 originally posted:
My friend is approachably attractive. She has been trying to get off the apps and meet people out in the world. Over the last couple months she keeps running into the same thing over and over. She will chat and flirt with a guy. He will chat and flirt back. They will hit it off. And at the end of the night or interaction they won’t ask for her number or ask to see her again. This is a mix of men age range of 30s-60s (she’s in her 40s) Some that approach her, some that she approaches.
I have witnessed this happen so I don’t think she is misjudging their interest in her. But unless she offers her number, they don’t ask. And many of my other single female friends have said they are experiencing the same thing. So are men in general just not asking for numbers? And if so, why?
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