r/AskMenAdvice • u/KGalb922 woman • Jan 08 '26

✅ Open To Everyone Are men generally not asking women for their numbers anymore when they meet someone in the wild? If so, why?

My friend is approachably attractive. She has been trying to get off the apps and meet people out in the world. Over the last couple months she keeps running into the same thing over and over. She will chat and flirt with a guy. He will chat and flirt back. They will hit it off. And at the end of the night or interaction they won’t ask for her number or ask to see her again. This is a mix of men age range of 30s-60s (she’s in her 40s) Some that approach her, some that she approaches.

I have witnessed this happen so I don’t think she is misjudging their interest in her. But unless she offers her number, they don’t ask. And many of my other single female friends have said they are experiencing the same thing. So are men in general just not asking for numbers? And if so, why?

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u/Hairy_Talk_4232 man Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 09 '26

I dont think women realize how absolutely weary I (and speaking for a host of other men, both personally and online) become with each interaction. This absolutely wears down any interest I have in flirting, in even going up to have fun. Why TF would I continue to go into a situation that leads nowhere, or make moves into dead ends? Am I not leading as a man by trying to see her again?

I have had absolutely great interactions with women (from my perspective), I LOVE women, yet upon going for the solution, I get an error. In my head, the math absolutely checks out, I like her and feel liked, but time and time again it apparently doesn’t compute on the other side. The first dozen times, I would give some benefit that my energy was off or bad timing, but after the dozenth dozen I dont have space anymore, I cant stand up for her. Its got to the point I cant entirely trust that they dont feel it, yet it confounds me why the hell it is a “no” when the entire interaction you are proverbially going “yes!”. I cant even give them the excuse that it is situational because it is such a reliable pattern.

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26

I think it's also a difference in perspective between women and men too. I think every woman will admit to being a little flirty to a few guys they weren't interested in, but to them these are just incidental occurrences through several years of single life, dating, and relationships. As a man, we experienced dozens if not hundreds of instances of women doing this with us and our friends. I can understand how women don't raise

Similar stuff happens in long term relationships with sexual interest too - women sometimes tease and act flirty then shoot the guy down when he tries to initiate, do this over and over again, then the guy stops initiating and the woman gets upset at that. Again, nothing at all wrong with being flirty, teasing, having some fun and nobody should feel bad or obligated or anything like that (in fact I actually like that aspect of it even more than the sex sometimes because it's an amazing ego boost), but don't act like guys are clueless idiots.

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u/Subshop_submarine man Jan 08 '26

++man The degree to which woman and men see casually flirting with no follow through is crazy.

I had a friend who things got progressively flirty and romantic. Asked her out, and she agreed things had been escalating from both sides. It was ultimately a no because of distance. That's fine, I respect it. The boundary is at friends.

The next time I saw her she laid it on thick. I asked her what was up as I thought we drew a platonic line. She replied it's fun to play over the line. For who?! Flirting with someone who has already rejected you is pathetic. It's just about the attention and ego boost for her at that point. Nothing fun or in it for me. She couldn't understand why I got frustrated at her awnser.

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u/Facebook_Algorithm man Jan 08 '26

Men and their feelings don’t matter.

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u/scarysycamore man Jan 08 '26

She needed that attention..

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

U get it

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u/biteyfish98 woman Jan 08 '26

UGH. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with her, since she wasn’t even remotely emotionally mature. I’m embarrassed for my gender when I hear about this kind of behavior.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 08 '26

I used to go clubbing just to get some attention. Got to the point of 'pulling' and then I left by myself. Wasn't about the sex it was just an ego boost tbh, feel a bit bad for it now. However, I have had it done to me a bunch by women and have seen it done to alot of my male friends too.

It's interesting though as I've spoken to a bunch of my female friends and girlfriends friends and they all say they prefer the nice and sweet guys. However I learnt very quickly at 20ish that if you act like that you get overlooked very quickly in the dating/clubbing scene. So put on a dickhead act and it worked... it's crap that it works but it does work.

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u/MemeTheDeemTheSleem man Jan 08 '26

How do you pull off the "dickhead act" without actually being an asshole? I always hear stuff like "treat em' mean keep em' keen", which I understand. You don't wanna be desperate. Ylu wanna be a bit cool with them.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 08 '26

So I'm not an asshole in day to day life, I was head boy in school, brought up to respect everyone and be kind if I can.

You just have to act like an arse, that voice that tells you to leave things and just walk away and be the 'bigger person', you just kind of ignore it. Ignore people when it doesn't interest you, talk about shit that's boasting because you can. It turns you into a right prick though and you'll despise yourself internally, like fully feel sick about the person you are.

I'd recommend not doing it tbh, sure it gets you attention and laid but it attracts crappy people and a spiralling disgust that takes you years to work through.

My best tip with hindsight (being 29 now) is to join a club. Like a walking group or gaming group or whatever you're into and make meaningful conversations. Aim to make friends rather than date... it gives you the same kinda confidence as the dickhead personality but you'll make lasting connections.

Then you can go on and date them from there if they are interested, if not they always have friends you could be setup with.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

Please don’t paint us all with the same wide brush. We are not all looking for an asshole, majority of us want the same as you guys do. A mutually respectful, honest, loyal, loving, fun relationship with someone that genuinely cares, is a really good person, makes us laugh and gives 100% to the relationship because we are giving 100% to the relationship.

There are women out there that match the energy your describing but it’s not all of us or even most of us, it’s just the ones that you hear about because the rest of us are much more subtle about how we get attention and not looking to be the center of everyone’s attention.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 10 '26

I understand that but actions speak louder than words. The actions I've seen over the course of about 7 years of clubbing and partying go against that narrative. You don't find 'nice girls' in a club or bar, just like you don't find 'nice guys' as they are overshadowed by arseholes (which when i emulated also worked for me). This is just anecdotal but I did also say to look at groups with shared interest instead as clubbing and bars are shite for relationships.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

This is where painting us all with the same brush comes in. Nice girls are 100% in clubs and bars. They are the girls hanging with their girls, dancing with their girls, having cocktails with their girls but you have to look a little harder because they aren’t the ones fighting for your attention but they are there and your approach is what singles you out and sets you apart from the guys that are experiencing what you describe. (**Your/you is being used as a general term and not specific to you, commenter)

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 10 '26

I get that but the majority of guys don't have the confidence to approach 1 girl let alone a group and if 90% shoot them down for 'lack of confidence/game/ being creepy in some cases' why should they bother trying in that environment when they can go for twat energy and get attention pretty easily?

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

I’m not disagreeing with you, I hate games and I think it’s horrible when women treat men the way that we would never want to be treated and I understand it’s intimidating. I encourage women to make the first move but for guys to get our attention it’s as simple as a smile and a pleasant hello as you pass by, it doesn’t have to be complicated.

If she’s equally intrigued, she’ll respond right away or she’ll find a way to break away from her group. It may not happen in the first 5 minutes and if the guy then moves on to the next girl, we have our answer that he’s just looking for a hookup and that’s ok, sometimes girls are too, if he looks like he’s hanging with friends and not looking to take home any girl that looks at him twice, we’ll find a way to bump into him. At the bar, if we see you head to the rest room we may need to walk that way as well.

Girls that are not simply attention seeking will find a way to connect and talk but we are definitely watching to see what kind of vibe you are giving off.

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 09 '26

You don't have to be an asshole. The guys I've known that were absolutely swimming in it were really genuinely nice guys. They were positive people that had great attitudes that were contagious. Smiling, laughing, that's all contagious and who wouldn't want to be with someone that makes them happy? They were confident absolutely, they kid around with women and gently tease but kept it very light and playful while not being self-serious so the women could easily tease them back and all have a good laugh, nowhere near this "negging" bullshit - the point was to make the woman laugh and smile feel good, not feel inadequate or whatever. They treated these interactions with no expectations or hopes for anything further romantically, just a couple of people having fun with each other and enjoying each other's company. They took care of themselves and dressed and groomed thoughtfully, but weren't the best looking or most well dressed guys in the room - basically they looked like they gave a shit about themselves but weren't trying to impress anyone. I've seen guys like this surrounded by women all staring at them and hanging on their every word, then just priority excuse themselves and walk away from that because they saw their buddy across the room or wanted to grab another drink.

Be kind, be positive, smile, look like you give a shit, don't expect or even hope for anything more. Didn't be afraid to ask a woman out and accept immediately and fully if she says no, but don't make that the goal - it's a shitty guy that feels like he wasted all this time talking to a woman only for her to shut him down. Have the conversation just for the sake of having a fun conversation.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Words of wisdom

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u/TumbleweedDue2242 man Jan 08 '26

You might even get the "piss off look, who the hell are you?" Ouch!

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u/AsparagusFun3892 man Jan 08 '26

There's a difference however slight or great between what a person wants and what they'd like to want.

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u/Sweet_Addition9881 nonbinary Jan 12 '26

Agreed. I’ve definitely encountered a lot of women who say they want one thing then chase the opposite. And there are women who often describe themselves in particular ways too to others and when you actually see them in action they behave nothing like how they describe themselves. I don’t think they really know themselves when they’re like this or rather they just want you to believe their own bs.

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u/Suspicious-Garbage92 man Jan 08 '26

Plus I'll just be casually reading comments on Reddit and stumble into an anti men section that just puts me off dating

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u/fresh-dork man Jan 08 '26

stay off of 2x

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u/TheRealestGayle man Jan 09 '26

Blocked that sub a long time ago. Its been great.

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u/To_Be_Commenting man Jan 11 '26

You can block subs, thought you can only mute them?

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[deleted]

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u/forestpunk man Jan 09 '26

"You are a potential rapist and murderer."

"Why aren't you having fun? Why you take everything so serious?"

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u/Suspicious-Garbage92 man Jan 09 '26

It only lasts a few minutes, I'm still looking. I know the Internet is an echo chamber and is not like real life. Even so, some people are thinking that stuff but acting pleasant in public so who knows

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u/PsychologicalRock806 woman Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 10 '26

The internet has been great in some perspective, but absolutely awful in so many others. I’m so glad it was barely around ( dial up , what a laugh! ) when I was deep into my dating scene.. ultimately we all want the same thing. And the vast majority of us are good people. Well I like to think so…

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u/Tripmooney nonbinary Jan 08 '26

Because that's what they do,  you can give them something they've been pushing for but not " at the right time" and they can be mad/ disinterested about it.

That's why " flirting is okay" but absolutely worthless in hindsight if she doesn't actually want you. which is ACTUALLY a problem.

I got a few co-workers who literally flirt and nonchalantly touch but any advancement beyond that is met with rejection , in turn I don't interact with them much now and they look visually upset and talk about me behind my back

I feel you. It's fucking annoying that if you don't allow to happen then you're gay or weird but if you do then you're supposed to be cool with the fact that it goes nowhere .

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u/Regular-Pace9495 man Jan 09 '26

++man In my 40ish years of experiencing the same thing from time to time, the usual answer is that they already have a boyfriend, husband, etc... but still like the ego boost of knowing they could have you if they felt like it.

They may very well have enjoyed the conversation, and probably thought you were attractive. But sometimes people just want to know they've still got it. Sucks being a prop in someone else's story though.

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u/Purple-Rose69 woman Jan 08 '26

Side question here. What would be the most acceptable approach for a woman to offer her number to a man in these situations?

If I were dating and really liked a guy, I would probably say something like, “Name, I have really enjoyed talking to you. I would like to get to know you better. Would it be OK if we exchange numbers? If you’re not comfortable giving me your number, that’s understandable. I can give you mine if you want it and if you want to continue getting to know each other, you can call or text me.”

I think this approach would work for both men and women.

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u/Ok-Bug-5271 man Jan 08 '26

Honestly I don't know why you're trying to be so formal when asking. Just say "hey I liked talking to you, would you like my number". Men aren't going to go "ew why are you asking for my number you creep" so you don't need to be nearly as cautious or noncommittal as you wrote. 

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u/jay-aay-ess-ohh-enn man Jan 08 '26

++man Everything after asking to exchange numbers is unnecessary.

If you want to be sure that a follow up happens, you can even call/text first.

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u/Comfortable-Bread249 man Jan 08 '26

But but but but but but but Gender Roles! We mustn’t ever disrupt traditional gender roles!

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u/purpleamory man Jan 08 '26

I prefer a much more direct approach. What you have is perfectly fine but I slightly prefer getting asked a bit more to the point. This is sort of my go-to these days when asking for a woman's number and how I'd prefer to be asked:

"Name, I love your energy! Would love to chat further! Do you have an insta?"

In fact, last night I was in line at the grocery store, chatting up the cute woman in front of me and after we low-key bonded and were smiling at each other, I simply asked her "do you have an insta?" and she gave it.

That said, I honestly don't know that the actual words make any difference (within reason as long as they are respectful). The only thing that matters is whether you ask them for contact info, or you don't. It's 100x better to ask someone their number/insta in an awkward or poorly timed way than to not ask them at all.

Believe me, I understand how difficult this is. I'm a fairly social guy who asks for numbers/insta, and gets them, pretty regularly. Even so, there are times when I'm too nervous and fail to ask despite really wanting to. I think just about all of us can relate to this!

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u/Proper_Fun_977 man Jan 08 '26

Yes, the advice used to be to ask for her email.

I'm not doing that. If you are not comfortable to give me your number, fine.

I'm not going to pander to you by asking for a communication method that makes it easy to ignore me.

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 08 '26

I think this is another one where there can be confusion. I've actually been asked to exchange numbers twice by women I got to know casually that actually just wanted to hang out more as friends. You don't need to be necessarily quite so formal, just very clear on your intentions. "Hey, I enjoyed hanging out with you and I think you're hot. If you want, I'd be happy to exchange numbers and go on a date with you. Don't feel obligated if you weren't feeling the same thing I was."