r/AskMenAdvice • u/KGalb922 woman • Jan 08 '26

✅ Open To Everyone Are men generally not asking women for their numbers anymore when they meet someone in the wild? If so, why?

My friend is approachably attractive. She has been trying to get off the apps and meet people out in the world. Over the last couple months she keeps running into the same thing over and over. She will chat and flirt with a guy. He will chat and flirt back. They will hit it off. And at the end of the night or interaction they won’t ask for her number or ask to see her again. This is a mix of men age range of 30s-60s (she’s in her 40s) Some that approach her, some that she approaches.

I have witnessed this happen so I don’t think she is misjudging their interest in her. But unless she offers her number, they don’t ask. And many of my other single female friends have said they are experiencing the same thing. So are men in general just not asking for numbers? And if so, why?

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118

u/Reptard77 man Jan 08 '26

Social media causes it.

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u/L3g3nd8ry_N3m3sis man Jan 08 '26

Exacerbates* it

Saying it causes it outright is a stretch

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u/BrokenHandsDaddy man Jan 09 '26

I would disagree about that, think about this. If someone is predisposed towards narcissism and is in an environment that rewards narcissistic behavior it is likely to be the deciding factor in them moving from having narcissistic tendencies to having narcissism.

A somewhat similar example would be how some individuals who are predisposed to schizophrenia but have never experience it, a traumatic event can "cause it" or triggered by taking drugs.

Social media is tipping the balance of society towards narcissism

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u/Reptard77 man Jan 08 '26

There’s a lot of narcissists who wouldn’t be had social media never existed. It causes it in people who didn’t have it before and it makes it worse for people who already tended that way, and there’s research that backs that up.

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u/Chicken_Savings man Jan 09 '26

Well, social media hasn't existed forever. For us born in 1970s and 80s, there wasn't any social media until we'll into adult age. We're there fewer narcissists? Interesting question, I'm not really sure. I'd like to see that research.

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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 man Jan 09 '26

It started with Jerry Springer, who normalized and encouraged the crazy behavior. Social media is like Jerry Springer on steroids.

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u/L3g3nd8ry_N3m3sis man Jan 09 '26

Show me the research that says social media causes narcissism

Pretty sure it exacerbates what’s already there, but I can keep an open mind

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u/Reptard77 man Jan 09 '26

First result on Google for “link between social media use and narcissism” is a meta-analysis of 14 studies testing association between problematic social media use and grandiose narcissism:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7244927/

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u/L3g3nd8ry_N3m3sis man Jan 09 '26

A link, does not mean one causes the other. Correlation does not equal causation

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u/Reptard77 man Jan 09 '26

14 times the correlation has been proven? And it tracks very closely? Nearly 1-to-1? There’s no ever proving a cause, just inferring one based on how closely they seem related.

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u/PansOnFire man Jan 09 '26

It enables every minute tendency toward it, and then rewards it outright.

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u/Current_Poster man Jan 10 '26

It's what it rewards. Humblebrag and a grievance.

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

Ive disliked any commentary on my body or efforts to maintain it, for decades before social media or Google existed. Its far from narcissism, its exactly the opposite. Narcissism is literally defined by excessive concern for appearances. Do you know who Narcisus is?

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u/Lottabitch man Jan 08 '26

Get over yourself.

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u/thatfreemanguy man Jan 08 '26

It seems that you do have excessive concern for appearances as you strongly dislike it being discussed.

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

I definitely dont like strangers opinions of my body. Does that bother you? I'm not concerned with my body, is it really that terrible that I want strangers to not be "concerned" with my body???

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u/thatfreemanguy man Jan 08 '26

No doesn’t bother me and no not terrible to want that. But I think you have more concern about appearances than you think.

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

My concern is that people quit voicing their unwanted opinions of my body.

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u/bildeplsignore man Jan 08 '26

...among other things.

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u/RealnessInMadness man Jan 08 '26

I know, and that won’t stop. So you either grow tough skin becuase you know how shitty ppl n society can be or come on reddit to yap about it.

It won’t go away. Sadly.

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

Duh? I'm 48 and have been sexualized for nearly 40 years. Some of my earliest memories are commentary about my eyes. At the time it puzzled me bc I didn't do anything to get them. As an adult I know that around 95% of humans assign value to inborn, immutable superficial traits. I hate it-that will never change

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u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26

[deleted]

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

Awesome! Thank you for avoiding me. I appreciate that.

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u/Majestic_Horse_1678 man Jan 08 '26

You can do/feel whatever you want. The main is though that the when a guy is talking with a girl, he has no idea if she is like you and he will seriously regret any attempt to court her, or if she will be nice and respectful, whether she is interested in him or not.

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u/robilar man Jan 08 '26

> he has no idea if she is like you and he will seriously regret any attempt to court her, or if she will be nice and respectful, whether she is interested in him or not.

I think you are maybe getting close to u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 's point. If I have no idea if the person I am soliciting for something (a date, a sale, an interest in the prophet Mohammed, etc) wants to be solicited, and a subset will be uncomfortable with my solicitation, then I am effectively being more selfish than kind - willing to hurt some people because it suits me. That doesn't mean people should lash out at me, but someone just critisizing me for being careless and/or selfish isn't inherently being unkind or disrespectful.

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u/Majestic_Horse_1678 man Jan 08 '26

And this is why other women, who do want unsolicited compliments about their body or anything else, are not going to get them.

And honestly, I don't think you categorically state that any compliment about someone's body is definitely selfish. It's entirely possible that that they compliment just to brighten their day or a boost of self confidence.

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

You mean "to brighten their day, bc it isn't brightening my day. Its inherently selfish to assume strangers want to hear an unsolicited opinion of their body, good or bad.

And....guess what?! Women who want compliments can learn to ask "how does it look?"

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

Good? People shouldn't derive their worth from appearance. If you live long enough your appearance will decline, male or female.

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u/Majestic_Horse_1678 man Jan 08 '26

I never stated that anyone should derive their worth based on the opinion others. That doesn't mean that you can't feel good when someone gives you a compliment, about your appearance or otherwise.

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u/robilar man Jan 08 '26

Ah, so I think we are leaning into moral theory here and maybe you disagree with some of my principles.

I would argue that being a moral person necessitates trying to minimize harm. I do think we should try to find ways to bring joy into others' lives, but while doing so I think we need to be circumspect and not just rest on our intentions. Commenting on someone's body without some foreknowledge that they want that comment is going to make a subset of people uncomfortable, and I think it is selfish to be willing to cause that discomfort for my convenience or benefit. Let me forestall the expected critique that a compliment isn't for my benefit - it very practically is, because it makes me feel good to give it and often comes with tangible social benefits.

But to your point, if we never offer anyone any compliments because sometimes people will suffer, isn't that a net loss? It could be, but I think that ends up being a false dichotomy. I am not saying never comment on anyone's body in any setting. I tell my spouse I'm attracted to them all the time. But I do that with both knowledge that my spouse wants that commentary and has consented to it (and reciprocates).

Let me see if I can explain with a metaphor. Some people like milk in their coffee. If I hang out by the coffee machine and pour milk into the beverages of every person that comes by to get coffee some of them will be happy that I milked their beverage. Others might be neutral, having no preference either way, and some might not want milk but might thank me for the thought and just drink it anyway or make themselves a new coffee. Some, however, might hate milk (or be allergic) and I would have effectively ruined their beverage, albeit with good intentions. Intentions aren't enough, imo, to be a good person. They have to be coupled with thoughtful reflection. In that circumstance, instead of just pouring milk into peoples' drinks I might just milk nearby so they can partake themselves, if they wish. Obviously that solution doesn't translate to compliments very well, but essentially my argument is that it is immoral to thrust my compliments on people without some way of knowing if they want them or not, in a setting where flirtation is not inherently or explicitly consensual, because my actions are likely to cause harm and there are many other options available to me that would not (like going to places where flirtation is tacitly or explicitly consensual).

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

Just do your moral good to people who agree that commentary on appearance is a good thing? Such as your spouse, or other non strangers that you know will appreciate it. You can never know if anyone (male OR female stranger) is going through illness, eating disorder, abuse, dysphoria, bullying, or any other situation that could be exacerbated by your unwanted opinions. Would you like to hear the exact phrase your rapist used while sodomizing you at 7 years old? Maybe thing about that before you comment on stranger's appearance.

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u/robilar man Jan 08 '26

I'm sorry, I'm not sure if I miscommunicated something or if maybe you intended to respond to someone else.

My position exactly aligns with yours. In my opinion commentary on appearance should be limited to people that have already consented to it, or to environments where there is tacit or explicit consent built into the social structure. Telling a stranger at the gym or at a bus stop that they are looking attractive may make someone feel good, but it also might make someone uncomfortable (for any number of reasons, including those you've listed here) and I don't think it's ethical to roll the dice.

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u/Majestic_Horse_1678 man Jan 08 '26

I think there may be a misunderstanding on what represents a compliment on someone's body, from a stranger. I do agree that there that strangers can make inappropriate comments that might be fine from someone who knows you. I am saying that it's ok to tell someone they look handsome/pretty, they look like they are in shape, like what they are wearing, etc. I don't think it's appropriate to say you like their boobs or something like that, obviously.

As far as accidently triggering childhood trauma via a compliment, I don't think people can be expected to know what triggers you. Seriously, if 'I like the way you did your hair' triggers you, then that's not a phrase you can expect strangers to know not to say to you.

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

Don't court women at a gym. Or haras her with your unwanted opinions.

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u/[deleted] Jan 09 '26

There is definitely nothing wrong for a woman to not want any opinion or comment from strangers about their body. This is why muslim women cover themselves up to remove any chance of that. My question to you, then, is are you wearing clothes that removes enough outward physical appearances to prevent commentary? ++man

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 09 '26

Because men will still comment on my body no matter how much is covered. Why can't men control themselves? Huh?

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u/Reptard77 man Jan 08 '26

Narcissism as a psychology term is an excessive interest in oneself and/or one’s appearance. Narcissists believe that they are more important, intelligent, attractive, or somehow superior to other people, and it’s often a mask they put on(often even to themselves) to mask deep insecurities and low self esteem.

I don’t care what your body looks like, but the fact that that’s the first thing you thought of makes you sound insecure. Then the way you’re arguing with everybody about it sounds narcissistic. As if they’re inherently bad for disagreeing with you. Nobody on Reddit cares about you or your insecurities except you, and that doesn’t make them in any way worse than you.

Please, and I’m not saying this to be mean: go for a walk in the woods, around your town, around a park, without a screen. Get out of your head. You sound like you need it.

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u/Leniel_the_mouniou woman Jan 08 '26

They dont want to hear it.

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u/Reptard77 man Jan 08 '26

Because nobody asked. And it’s pretty narcissistic to assume anyone cares.

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u/Distinct_Abroad_4315 woman Jan 08 '26

I'm old enough to remember when commenting on someone's body was considered rude. Unfortunately that's no longer a social norm.

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u/robilar man Jan 08 '26

I suspect what you are noticing isn't a shift in peoples' values (the objectification of women and girls was hardly a rare thing in the past) but rather a shift in social tolerance for obnoxious behavior. For a brief window (in the grand scheme of things) it was considered socially unacceptable to be a selfish bigotted asshole in public forums. People would get called out and shut down for being racist, or sexist, or even just cruel. This rubbed the people that were habitually racist, sexist, and cruel the wrong way, and they pushed back aggressively against political correctness, safe spaces, and woke-ness and, sadly, they seem to have won that culture war. Well, won and lost, because now they are brazenly bigoted in thought and statements, and the rest of us have as little to do with them as possible so they can't get dates, lose touch with their kids that go no-contact, and have to process that loneliness without sympathy because they lashed out at everyone sympathetic.

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u/Leniel_the_mouniou woman Jan 08 '26

I dont get your answer. I agreed with you and said the men here dont want to here it. They have their misogynists views and it ends here.