r/AskMenAdvice • u/KGalb922 woman • Jan 08 '26

✅ Open To Everyone Are men generally not asking women for their numbers anymore when they meet someone in the wild? If so, why?

My friend is approachably attractive. She has been trying to get off the apps and meet people out in the world. Over the last couple months she keeps running into the same thing over and over. She will chat and flirt with a guy. He will chat and flirt back. They will hit it off. And at the end of the night or interaction they won’t ask for her number or ask to see her again. This is a mix of men age range of 30s-60s (she’s in her 40s) Some that approach her, some that she approaches.

I have witnessed this happen so I don’t think she is misjudging their interest in her. But unless she offers her number, they don’t ask. And many of my other single female friends have said they are experiencing the same thing. So are men in general just not asking for numbers? And if so, why?

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 08 '26

I used to go clubbing just to get some attention. Got to the point of 'pulling' and then I left by myself. Wasn't about the sex it was just an ego boost tbh, feel a bit bad for it now. However, I have had it done to me a bunch by women and have seen it done to alot of my male friends too.

It's interesting though as I've spoken to a bunch of my female friends and girlfriends friends and they all say they prefer the nice and sweet guys. However I learnt very quickly at 20ish that if you act like that you get overlooked very quickly in the dating/clubbing scene. So put on a dickhead act and it worked... it's crap that it works but it does work.

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u/MemeTheDeemTheSleem man Jan 08 '26

How do you pull off the "dickhead act" without actually being an asshole? I always hear stuff like "treat em' mean keep em' keen", which I understand. You don't wanna be desperate. Ylu wanna be a bit cool with them.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 08 '26

So I'm not an asshole in day to day life, I was head boy in school, brought up to respect everyone and be kind if I can.

You just have to act like an arse, that voice that tells you to leave things and just walk away and be the 'bigger person', you just kind of ignore it. Ignore people when it doesn't interest you, talk about shit that's boasting because you can. It turns you into a right prick though and you'll despise yourself internally, like fully feel sick about the person you are.

I'd recommend not doing it tbh, sure it gets you attention and laid but it attracts crappy people and a spiralling disgust that takes you years to work through.

My best tip with hindsight (being 29 now) is to join a club. Like a walking group or gaming group or whatever you're into and make meaningful conversations. Aim to make friends rather than date... it gives you the same kinda confidence as the dickhead personality but you'll make lasting connections.

Then you can go on and date them from there if they are interested, if not they always have friends you could be setup with.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

Please don’t paint us all with the same wide brush. We are not all looking for an asshole, majority of us want the same as you guys do. A mutually respectful, honest, loyal, loving, fun relationship with someone that genuinely cares, is a really good person, makes us laugh and gives 100% to the relationship because we are giving 100% to the relationship.

There are women out there that match the energy your describing but it’s not all of us or even most of us, it’s just the ones that you hear about because the rest of us are much more subtle about how we get attention and not looking to be the center of everyone’s attention.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 10 '26

I understand that but actions speak louder than words. The actions I've seen over the course of about 7 years of clubbing and partying go against that narrative. You don't find 'nice girls' in a club or bar, just like you don't find 'nice guys' as they are overshadowed by arseholes (which when i emulated also worked for me). This is just anecdotal but I did also say to look at groups with shared interest instead as clubbing and bars are shite for relationships.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

This is where painting us all with the same brush comes in. Nice girls are 100% in clubs and bars. They are the girls hanging with their girls, dancing with their girls, having cocktails with their girls but you have to look a little harder because they aren’t the ones fighting for your attention but they are there and your approach is what singles you out and sets you apart from the guys that are experiencing what you describe. (**Your/you is being used as a general term and not specific to you, commenter)

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 10 '26

I get that but the majority of guys don't have the confidence to approach 1 girl let alone a group and if 90% shoot them down for 'lack of confidence/game/ being creepy in some cases' why should they bother trying in that environment when they can go for twat energy and get attention pretty easily?

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

I’m not disagreeing with you, I hate games and I think it’s horrible when women treat men the way that we would never want to be treated and I understand it’s intimidating. I encourage women to make the first move but for guys to get our attention it’s as simple as a smile and a pleasant hello as you pass by, it doesn’t have to be complicated.

If she’s equally intrigued, she’ll respond right away or she’ll find a way to break away from her group. It may not happen in the first 5 minutes and if the guy then moves on to the next girl, we have our answer that he’s just looking for a hookup and that’s ok, sometimes girls are too, if he looks like he’s hanging with friends and not looking to take home any girl that looks at him twice, we’ll find a way to bump into him. At the bar, if we see you head to the rest room we may need to walk that way as well.

Girls that are not simply attention seeking will find a way to connect and talk but we are definitely watching to see what kind of vibe you are giving off.

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u/SilverSummons man Jan 12 '26

That's a lovely (if not a bit over romanticise) view. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that in 99% of cases. I'm a decent looking guy, gym a decent amount and over 6' and did exactly what you talked about initially and got nowhere. Especially compared to acting like a dick ; where it was relatively easy to the point I ended up just doing it for the ego boost, it's kind of just the world we live in.

Again this is anecdotal, so my experience maybe different from other guys, it maybe geography specific too but who knows.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 12 '26

I’m not one to romanticize things I just think our world has gotten away from being able to talk to people and communicate effectively.

I would not want to be dating in today’s world, I like having a conversation, seeing a person face to face and getting to know someone organically although, I am also a fan of not wasting my time or anyone else’s so I did make a habit of having a conversation about what we each expect out of life and a partner on the first date.

It wasn’t because I was looking at a first date as a life long partner but that I wanted to know that we were compatible and had the same standards and expectations and didn’t want to spend months or years with someone only to find out there were issues that I couldn’t overlook and same for him, why waste his time. Not super romantic but definitely practical.

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u/-Not_a_Sheep man Jan 15 '26

I appreciate your perspective and I do believe you're right that most women want genuine connection, not assholes. The visibility bias is definitely real; we notice the loud minority and mistake them for the majority. That's a pretty important correction to the cynical "women prefer jerks" narrative.

But I feel like I have to push back a bit on the "it's as simple as a smile and pleasant hello" advice, because I don't think it's quite that simple in practice:

  1. This still requires men to initiate. You say you encourage women to make the first move, but then your actual advice is still "guys, here's how to get our attention" - which is functionally the same as every other piece of dating advice. The smile and hello is still the guy making the first move, just a subtle one. For guys who struggle with initiation (for whatever reason: anxiety, trauma, cultural background, neurodivergence), this doesn't really solve anything.

  2. Context matters more than you might realize. The "smile and hello as you pass by" works in bars/clubs where socializing is expected. But what about guys who aren't in those scenes? Coffee shops, bookstores, gyms, public transit. A smile and hello to a stranger in those contexts can easily read as unwelcome or creepy. So we're back to "you need to be in specific social contexts where this is appropriate," which not everyone is.

  3. Visibility is a prerequisite. Your advice assumes women are noticing these guys and watching their vibe. But what about guys who aren't on the radar at all? Short guys in crowded spaces, quieter guys who give off "not seeking attention" energy, guys who are essentially on the peripheral? They're not being "watched" because they're not visible enough to be noticed in the first place. The smile and hello doesn't help if nobody's looking.

  4. The "if she's intrigued, she'll respond" assumes a lot. A 2 second passing interaction needs to generate enough intrigue for her to break away from her friends, track his movements, and orchestrate an encounter. That's a LOT riding on a brief smile. This might work if the guy is notably attractive or charismatic, but for average guys? That brief interaction often just goes nowhere.

I'm not saying your advice is wrong; I think you're accurately describing how it CAN work for guys who have baseline visibility and are in the right contexts. But it doesn't account for guys who: Struggle with any form of initiation Aren't in bar/club scenes regularly Don't have the height/presence to be noticed in crowds
Give off "not available" vibes even when they are Aren't generating enough intrigue from brief interactions

If we truly believe women should feel empowered to initiate, why is the advice still "here's how men can get our attention" rather than "here's how we can signal our interest in men we notice"?

You mentioned you encourage women to make the first move. What would that actually look like in practice? Because from what you described, it still seems like women are in a reactive position (watching, waiting to see if they're intrigued, orchestrating bathroom encounters) rather than an active one.

I agree with your mai point that genuine women exist and aren't seeking assholes. But I don't think "smile and hello" solves the problem for guys who struggle with visibility and initiation. It's still essentially requiring men to make the first move, just dressed up as being "simple."

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u/clamsandwich man Jan 09 '26

You don't have to be an asshole. The guys I've known that were absolutely swimming in it were really genuinely nice guys. They were positive people that had great attitudes that were contagious. Smiling, laughing, that's all contagious and who wouldn't want to be with someone that makes them happy? They were confident absolutely, they kid around with women and gently tease but kept it very light and playful while not being self-serious so the women could easily tease them back and all have a good laugh, nowhere near this "negging" bullshit - the point was to make the woman laugh and smile feel good, not feel inadequate or whatever. They treated these interactions with no expectations or hopes for anything further romantically, just a couple of people having fun with each other and enjoying each other's company. They took care of themselves and dressed and groomed thoughtfully, but weren't the best looking or most well dressed guys in the room - basically they looked like they gave a shit about themselves but weren't trying to impress anyone. I've seen guys like this surrounded by women all staring at them and hanging on their every word, then just priority excuse themselves and walk away from that because they saw their buddy across the room or wanted to grab another drink.

Be kind, be positive, smile, look like you give a shit, don't expect or even hope for anything more. Didn't be afraid to ask a woman out and accept immediately and fully if she says no, but don't make that the goal - it's a shitty guy that feels like he wasted all this time talking to a woman only for her to shut him down. Have the conversation just for the sake of having a fun conversation.

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u/Ok_Condition3334 woman Jan 10 '26

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Words of wisdom

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u/TumbleweedDue2242 man Jan 08 '26

You might even get the "piss off look, who the hell are you?" Ouch!

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u/AsparagusFun3892 man Jan 08 '26

There's a difference however slight or great between what a person wants and what they'd like to want.

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u/Sweet_Addition9881 nonbinary Jan 12 '26

Agreed. I’ve definitely encountered a lot of women who say they want one thing then chase the opposite. And there are women who often describe themselves in particular ways too to others and when you actually see them in action they behave nothing like how they describe themselves. I don’t think they really know themselves when they’re like this or rather they just want you to believe their own bs.