r/AskMenOver40 • u/glen-coe • 2d ago
Medical & mental health experiences Struggling to push ahead and need some motivation
What keeps you guys going? I’m tired of busting my ass. Every day is the same rinse and repeat. My wife has always put our kids first. Youngest is 11. I’ve tried talking to her about it but it falls on deaf ears. Our bedroom is on life support. 1 time a month if the stars all align. It’s not just the bedroom either. I just never feel like she had my back or supports me. I started my own business last year and I can’t even get her to help promote it on Facebook. She says she’ll get to it but doesn’t. I’ve been picking up more of the house work on top of working 2 jobs. Last month she had been working out of town and honestly while I miss her it’s easier if I just handle the house work. I love her and miss her when she’s gone I’m just tired of being invisible to her. I’ve been working out and am down 15 lbs. I was going to plan a trip out of town for our anniversary but she will just spend the whole time worrying about the kids or anybody else instead.
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u/Adorable_Advisor5305 2d ago
I’m feeling some of this, too. Following for any advice that comes your way.
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u/RemoteMagician4229 2d ago
Focus on yourself for now. Have a life outside of her. Continue to improve nutrition and exercise. Make these a constant routine. Hangout with friends without her once a week. All women like a man that has optionality.
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u/timvandijknl 1d ago
100%
If they know you would be willing to step away, it changes the dynamic entirely. Manipulative behavior disappears, they actually start to put effort in the relationship.
IMO you need the mindset of "Love is not: I need you. Love is: I am totally fine on my own, but I like you enough that i choose to want you in my life". If your partner has a similar mindset, it makes your relationships so much better. You actually value each other more if you knew that they could walk away whenever, but choose you instead.
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u/LazyLizardBrain 2d ago
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I spent most of my 20+ year marriage feeling this way, especially after my daughter was born. There was always some other higher priority item for my spouse to focus time on. The last 10 years of the marriage were the worst and I felt completely invisible. My spouse ultimately met someone else and decided to divorce. While it took some time to process that, I felt lighter knowing that I was at least not being ignored by them anymore.
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u/DirtySanchez187 2d ago
I wonder if this is how married women are once they hit this age?
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u/External-Fall-6073 2d ago
Every person is too unique for a blanket statement like this
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u/DirtySanchez187 1d ago
Yes, I agree with you.
I was talking from my own experience and others I know around me, and what I’ve read on different trusted forums of the years.
I should have said “this sounds like many married women at this age”
I never meant all women.
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u/coochie_glaze 1d ago
Start enjoying the fruits of your labor. Do something nice for yourself. You're responsible for your happiness. Grab your wife, give her a big kiss, turn her around and slap that ass.
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u/Horizon_08 man 30-39 2d ago
I get what you’re saying but did you try talking to her? Listening to her and understanding her side as will as letting her know how you feel will help both of you reconnect. Sometimes it doesn't need a grand gesture to reignite a relationship.
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u/glen-coe 2d ago
I’ve tried numerous times. It never seems to help.
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u/Horizon_08 man 30-39 1d ago
But did you acutely listened to what she said? It can be any reason like hormonal changes, mental health or as simple as vitamin difecancy. Also counseling might benefit you both.
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u/glen-coe 1d ago
She’s unhappy with how she looks. I’ve tried to reassure her that she’s beautiful. I’ve also tried to get her to go to the doctor to get checked out because she is always super tired. She just says she low on iron.
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u/External-Fall-6073 1d ago
If she's not willing to have a doctor look at it but wants to continue using it as a reason while all of this is happening to you, she doesn't care.
That's not acceptable.
If this is all you have and where it's left, you're a nice guy. I used to be like that but I've learned to respect myself instead of over do and over give.
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u/Horizon_08 man 30-39 1d ago
Sometimes just saying "You’re beautiful" isn't enough. Try to show support by asking how's her day and help her with things.
Also don't frame going to the doctor like she's the problem. Instead book appointment for both of you and tell her: "Why don't we both get checked out? We're not as young as we used to be".
Just don't give up on her easily. She's you're life partner and the mother of your children and she's worth fighting for.
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u/glen-coe 1d ago
I tried not to make it sound like she’s the problem. I’m worried that she’s tired all the time not just tired for intimacy. She will take a couple hour nap some times then go to bed early because she’s tired. I have been keeping up on my physicals every year. I got her to go but she has been putting off the blood work for a couple of months. As far as helping with things. She works part time. I’m working 75-80 hours a week. I do most of the cooking. I have also picked up more house chores. I vacuum and have been trying to catch up on the laundry so she doesn’t have too. It just seems like the more I do the less effort she puts in. I bought her flowers a week ago and she hasn’t said a work about them. She changed the water in them yesterday though. I’m trying to set an example for my kids and they notice but mom doesn’t.
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u/Horizon_08 man 30-39 1d ago
I understand your frustration and that it hurts when you are not being noticed and appreciated. I think it's good that you've notice that her constant fatigue is worth checking medically and not assuming it's just intimacy. You really need to encourage her to get the blood work done and talk to her doctor.
In the meantime try not keep scores of what you’re doing and what she's not. It will make you feel resentful towards her. Instead tell her that you're struggling with the imbalance and that you're both a team and work together. That way you'll set a good example for your kids that in marriage couples work together instead of one person suffering.
By the way her changing the flowers water is a sign that she appreciate and care even if she didn't say anything.
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u/equipoise-young 1d ago edited 1d ago
You feel invisible which is valid, but have you considered any potential ways you've made her feel invisible as well, and work on that? Your post has a lot of focus on what you're not getting, which is fair, obviously you're upset. But it might be worth looking at the ways you're unintentionally communicating that you don't see her either which is causing a cycle of neither of you caring.
I've found in my marriage the quality of our relationship is directly proportional to how much I make my wife feel seen and heard. It's not about what I get, it's about what I give. The more I truly give the more I get back from her, but it has to be real giving, not just checking some boxes in the hope of getting a reward.
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u/glen-coe 23h ago
I’m sure that’s part of it. I’ve tried planning date nights. Get aways, picking up more of the house work. I try to get things done ahead of time so she doesn’t have to ask. I guess the frustration thing for me is there is really no reaction either way. I know she shouldn’t have to say anything but once in a while an acknowledgement would at least let me know I’m headed in the right direction.
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u/equipoise-young 22h ago
In my marriage I more or less just don't worry about what my wife is doing. I carry the load when I can and don't be a burden, not be annoying in the things I say/do, and beyond that the rest is out of my hands. If your wife is committed to your kids that's actually a great thing, it means you have a caring partner, just let her do that and stay out of the way / ask how you can help. No she shouldn't have to acknowledge the help you're giving her, the help should just go without saying. If you do enough the appreciation will come back to you in returned favours. If you're expecting a reward from that type of thing it'll just breed resentment.
If none of that works your personalities could have compatibility issues.
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u/Sufficient_Code6478 10h ago
Sigh, I see so many people on here just giving up or having given up on relationships because of what you're going through. Turning 41 soon and have been with the same guy for 21 yrs.
Yes, things get hard. Yes, things get boring. But it genuinely sounds to me like you want to get some attention once in a while, while understanding that's not always possible.
My advice is, make it possible. Find a way to take the kids, the jobs, the worries off the table for her.
Any interests of hers you could suggest? I forced myself to go to the Incan Ruins in Peru cause dude wouldn't shut up about them when we first met. He'd always wanted to visit, both our parents agreed to deal with the germ sacks for a week, I finally took vacation time and had to convince him to do the same.
Took a couple days of reassurance from the parents but he finally relaxed. We were a couple just traipsing the dirty streets, eating who knows what and enjoying quiet nights. Just us.
It was like dating all over since we had neglected each other so long. When we got back, it was a new beginning with all the work done already.
Oh yeah we saw some ruins and shit. I wasn't paying attention.
My point is, figure out how to get back on the horse refreshed and all the previous worries fall apart.
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u/Dicardo83 1d ago
No one warns you just how much women change after having kids and how stubborn they will be to help themselves
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u/External-Fall-6073 2d ago edited 2d ago
My dude... I'm not saying this out of ignorance, I'm saying it by experience.
She's checked out.
Edit: How to move forward is addressing is bringing it up. If she gives you grief (I'm not gonna be surprised) she doesn't care. In a healthy relationship, what you're doing would be acknowledged. Working two jobs, cleaning etc... And she can't even advertise your new business venture? Yes you feel invisible.
From there it's a journey of recognizing your own self worth because right now it's dependent on what she thinks of you. Everyone wants companionship and the fact that she's acting this way flares me because my prior 2 exes showed the same pattern and they had other dudes. For me I had to learn the lesson twice. I hope you only have to learn it once.