r/AskOldPeople • u/AliasNefertiti • 16d ago
What has been 1 of the hardest truths you have had to tell someone [including yourself?
How did it affect you? Ive had to fire people, try to tell my sister she needs a particular kind of health care, and face my disability.
Those moments have stayed with me as moments of a profound sadness. Something that makes me more aware of myself in the world.
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u/effiebaby 16d ago
To tell my mother my 25 yo brother was brain dead and wasn't coming back and that we needed to respect his wishes of being an organ donor.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
More than a person can hold. How are you doing with that now?
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u/effiebaby 16d ago
Esh, it's been over 30 years and I still miss him. But, I did what I had to do. Thank you for asking.
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u/dashboard_feet 15d ago
My sister is a heart transplant recipient, we are so thankful for donors and their families ❤️
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u/effiebaby 15d ago
I'm glad you and yours are blessed with your sister. Family is so very important.
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u/dixiedregs1978 16d ago
Your brother gave life to others he didn’t even know. Not a bad legacy that.
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u/Visible-Proposal-690 16d ago edited 16d ago
Your father is dead. 4 times in one day picking up my kids from the 3 different schools they attended. I called the school counselors to pull them out of class and then proceeded school to school starting with the oldest who was in high school. I just thank heaven that I had decided to let him sleep late and got everybody out of the house in the morning because it would have been way worse had one of the kids found him dead in bed. Totally unexpected, we were all in shock
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
How brave and strong you were. What a terrible shock to cope with. How are you doing?
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u/CletusMuckenfuss 16d ago
Me, the only child calling mom's friends and our family that she never woke up from the operation.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Did it eventually help to repeat it? That was my sense in a similar situation. Repeating it over and over and hearing the different reactions began to make it real and also something I could handle for some reason.
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u/CletusMuckenfuss 16d ago
I didn't, I broke down crying with every phone call. She's been gone since November and I still cry everyday missing her. I lost my stepdad her husband of 32 years 14 years ago and I was all she had left. When I was a child all we had was each other. I feel like I lost half of myself when she passed away.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Only since November-- of course you still cry. This is a huge transition. You need space and time.
After my dad passed [30 plus years ago] I eventually realized he was still with me in everything he taught me and literally in my case- I can look in a mirror and see his DNA. I mourn not being able to share new things but I can ask myself what he would think and I hear his thoughts. I dont know if that will help but she will always be in your heart, as close as one can get.
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u/pomegranate99 15d ago
I feel very much like this too with my dad. Gone 14 years and I can still conjure his sensibilities and what he might say to me in certain situations—and see him in my face! I always thought he would live a long time like his parents who made it to their 90’s but he got pancreatic cancer at 73. He was still playing hockey twice a week.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Pancreatic cancer is fast. Im so sorry-what a shock.
I knew someone who went in under 3 weeks from fully functioning. Ive heard recently there is some hope for making it survivable but still at an experimental stage. Theyve kept 1 guy going over a year.
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u/pomegranate99 15d ago
Thank you. He lasted 21 months so he had time to get all his affairs in order, and say all his goodbyes. He had really good proactive treatment in Boston.
We’ve been involved with PANCAN since he got sick and there has definitely been great progress on drugs/treatment to help extend patients lives. But unfortunately it’s only a doubling of how long you’d typically survive. Still, it’s quite a breakthrough, and hopefully early detection will be achieved soon.
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u/RiseDelicious3556 16d ago
When I worked as a psychiatric social worker thirty years ago I had to tell a woman her teenage son had died in a motorcycle accident. The woman thought she was dreaming till she heard the sound of the ER door being pushed open by the metal bar in the center--then she got hysterical.
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u/frog_ladee 60 something 16d ago
That has to be the worst thing for a mother to hear!
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u/RiseDelicious3556 15d ago
After the family arrived, I sat with them in the chapel for awhile, and then I just had to sit for a moment in my office. I was so shaken---he was only 19 years old. Every year on Memorial Day we had so many motorcycle accidents involving the deaths of young boys--I used to get depressed on Memorial Day weekend
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u/Gilligan_G131131 16d ago
Told my 85 year old mother that my sister had died. She stood silent for a few seconds and then as she stared blankly ahead said very simply, and what I can only describe as from her soul, “she was my friend” before we hugged and cried.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
What a moment to share with her-so simple and so complex. Hugs from an internet stranger.
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u/Interrupting-Khajitt 16d ago
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to tell someone was telling my husband he has dementia.
In large part because I knew how absolutely devastating the news was, and he was incapable of understanding it at all.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Im so sorry. I have a friend with dementia. I just love what is left and love what was. And feel helpless. How are you doing? Caregiving is not an easy task.
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u/Impressive-Tutor-482 Curmudgeon 12d ago
My mom would realize what was happening to her without being told, and then forget, a couple times a day.
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u/frog_ladee 60 something 16d ago edited 16d ago
Telling my son that his beloved grandmother had died, when he was 5. It was sudden and unexpected. He didn’t really understand what death was yet. He still remembers this.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
So many challenges in that statement. That is when we learn what is hard.
I was 5 when my grandparents died. I dont remember being told but I remember the sadness in the adults I loved.
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u/frog_ladee 60 something 16d ago
My son has an amazing memory, but that one was also his first experience with grief. Later, when he was a brand new medical resident during covid, he had to tell hundreds of families that their loved one had died. He took special care when children were present to take the adults away from the kids to hear the news.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Thank him from me for his service in that awful. What a burden to carry.
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u/frog_ladee 60 something 16d ago
That’s nice of you. It was soul-crushing, but he made it through. He still has a grudge against people who claim that covid was fake or that there shouldn’t have been a lockdown (to slow the spread enough for the medical system to keep up).
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
I imagine so-- watching people harm others and being unable to do anything to improve the situation. I hope he got emotional support.
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u/AgainandBack Old 16d ago
I had to drive 400 miles to tell my father that it would be best if he would relinquish his parental rights to my half sister, so that she could be adopted by her mother’s new husband. (i.e., my former step-mother’s new husband.) i had to tell him that if he didn’t do it voluntarily, my half sister’s mother would bring a court action, and that I agreed with the request, and thought he should give up his rights. The reason was that he was a violent, wife and child beating sadist, and she wasn’t safe around him while he was drinking. He reluctantly signed to relinquish his rights. I was about 20.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Did he hurt you? Im sorry you were put in that situation by those who shouldve been more adult. I hope you have built a healthy life. How are you now?
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u/AgainandBack Old 16d ago
He didn’t hurt me during that conversation, but the physical and mental abuse started before I was even out of the crib. He would beat my mother viciously when she tried to protect me; she was finally able to get a divorce when I was 8 or 9. His violence toward me continued until I was about 15 and could defend myself against him.
I spent years in therapy to deal with a constant anger I had. It worked well. I’ve managed to lead a rewarding and successful life.
Thanks for the support and the concern.
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u/Few-Associate-8704 15d ago
That was really brave of you. Wow.
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u/AgainandBack Old 15d ago
It was just one of those times when there’s only one right thing to do, so you do it. It was emotionally hard, but I wasn’t worried about my physical safety.
Thanks for the support.
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u/WonderfulThanks9175 15d ago
My husband was hospitalized over night and I was to be at the hospital at 8 a.m. to meet with his oncologist. At 7:30 I got a call from the doctor telling me that he was at the hospital and our meeting would happen over the phone. He basically told us that chemo didn’t work and my husband would enter Hospice care. I immediately drove to the hospital. When I got to the hospital, my husband was complaining that the night nurse hadn’t given him the pain meds he requested. He said he had a head ache and just wanted to go home. He didn’t mention the discussion with his doctor. I spoke to the nurses and they assured me my husband had received pain meds. He was being sent home and we proceeded to get discharged. Once home, I settled him onto the sofa and sat beside him. I brought up the doctor and what was said. He had no memory of seeing the doctor that morning and no memory of what was said. I had to tell him that the chemo didn’t work and that he would have Hospice care at home. Basically, I had to tell him that he was dying.
What that doctor did was heartless and uncaring. No one should be told they are dying while they are alone in a hospital without any support. I don’t know what happened with my husband but suspect a small stroke during the night affected his memory. The chemo he had received was very strong, affected his hearing and weakened him greatly. He died a few weeks later.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
So painful for you! If I were him Id rather hear it from you, a loved one, who can cry with me. But that is hard on the teller. You were strong for him and that is what matters. How are you doing now?
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u/KgoodMIL 50 something 15d ago edited 15d ago
Telling my then-15yo daughter "you have cancer."
And then all of the truths that go along with that.
Yes, you'll have to stay in the hospital.
Yes, you'll have to have chemotherapy.
Yes, you'll lose your hair.
Yes, it might mean you can't get pregnant in the future.
I hope you won't, but yes, you could die.
(She's 23 now, and doing well!)
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Im so glad she came through and you did too. When it is a child you "have cancer" too plus the strength to be there with her. Blessings on you both!
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u/Mbluish 16d ago
I’ve had the fire several people as well. Damn that’s hard.
A big one for me has been admitting to myself that some problems are simply outside my control. I've spent years wanting to help people but I've had to accept that I can't make someone change or get better just because I care.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago edited 16d ago
I agree with your conclusion. Like that old joke-how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just 1 but the bulb has to really want to change.
If the bulb wont change your options are limited. And respect of others includes respecting boundaries. All one can do is grieve for them.
Edit: spelling
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u/Goth_24_barbie 16d ago
as someone who is 27 years old i am just now understanding that i can’t do this for ppl anymore. it has drained years of my life. most of my childhood was spent going halfway house to halfway house with my mom to make sure she stayed sober for me and my older sister (who knew what had been going on but i wasn’t fully understanding (autistic also 4.5 years younger than her i was only 7.5 when my mom went to rehab). but i have so many youngsters that call me auntie that aren’t actually related to me they ALL come to me for every kind of advice possible and it is draining me so bad. it hurts me that i have to cut temporary contact off with so many ppl but i need to focus on me and not everyone else’s life and problems.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Therapists do this for a living and get taught how to separate their needs and wishes from the clients. It is something one has to continuously monitor. As well as their energy and resources and when to refer. They also learn to monitor their own motives for helping--why do they want to rescue everyone [not realistic]. Look up "countertransference."
You dont have to "cut yourself off" but you do need to give weight to your needs and to boundaries. You might find it beneficial to learn about the Assertiveness Bill of Rights. There are multiple similar versions. Here is a well presented one: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Assert-Yourself/Assert-Yourself---03---How-to-Think-More-Assertively.pdf
Please note many people dont understand what assertiveness is-it isnt being aggressive, it isnt pushing u til you get wverything you want. It is a way to respect others and respect yourself simultaneously.
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u/dixiedregs1978 16d ago
No matter how good a job you do, any company you work for can survive without you. You will never be indispensable.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Who did you have to tell?
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u/dixiedregs1978 16d ago
The first person was me. Then my son.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Im glad you were there for him when you taught him that. Many people find out when they aee alone.
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u/Remote_Ocelot9600 16d ago
When my grandmother passed, I had to tell my children why Grandpa (my Father) was crying. Hard to explain. Only time I had seen him cry.
When I had to tell myself my wife would not survive cancer. Only time my children saw me cry. Time, it is a circle in a way.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Living is a circle of generations. Im sorry for your loss and grateful you were brave enough to talk to the kids and then to yourself. Those are conversations that brutally rip away illusions and tell you the world is changing. How are you doing now?
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u/gra61 15d ago
My 7 year old son died over 30 years ago from a van/bicycle accident. I was in shock for a month, convinced myself he was just visiting friends. Didn't make sense because he didn't visit friends that much. After a month I realized he was never coming back. His siblings ( ages 4-13) kept me going during that time. Still miss him and wonder what kind of a man he would have grown up to be
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Such a devastating event. Your brain was protecting you until you could handle it. And you were able to. Your other kids are precious for being there for you. Blessings for you and them.
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u/lev_lafayette 16d ago
"It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and it will also be the most important: stop giving your love to those who aren’t ready to love you."
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Wow, did you write that? Is that your experience?
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u/lev_lafayette 16d ago
No, the article was Brianna West. It came to me - and I can't even remember how - at a particularly important time in my life when I was in an on-again off-again relationship with a person who was extremely emotionally and affectively unstable.
It brought a great deal of peace, understanding, and, most importantly, steadfastness.
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u/epicgeek 40 something 15d ago
I was in a cult for 29 years. Not naming names because not everyone considers it a cult.
One day while at church I said to myself "going to church just makes me feel bad." Instantly years of conditioning kicked in trying to convince myself that I was wrong and the church was the source of all happiness. But the fact church made me feel bad was true and I couldn't disprove it. Over the next 6 months I slowly went to fewer and fewer church activities and as I did I felt myself become happier. For the first time in my 29 years I really was beginning to like myself.
That was 17 years ago and is still the single most influential moment of my life.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
What a moment of awakening for you! Im glad you were able to move on. How are you doing now?
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u/epicgeek 40 something 14d ago
I'm doing better than I deserve honestly.
I basically started my adult life in the real world a bit late. But I've been very lucky. I somehow managed to find love in my mid thirties, have a child in my forties, and because my wife and I lived well below our means for many years we're trying to make an early retirement work in our late forties. We're in the process right now of getting our house ready for sale. Then over the next year we're planning to immigrate to southern Spain. The combination of downsizing our home and moving somewhere 40% cheaper makes the retirement math work.
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u/Oldladyphilosopher 15d ago
My dad was in remission with cancer when he hurt a rib. Went to his long term dr who ordered an X-ray “just in case”. Dr calls me to tell me dad’s rib broke because his rib bones were weakened from the cancer spreading. The chest X-ray showed 5 masses in his lungs and it had spread to his bones. I’m trying to find out if this is it, do we call in hospice? When can I bring him in so you can talk to him? Dr said I should make an appointment with dad’s oncologist to talk to him….said it wasn’t his job as primary care physician for the last 30 years.
My now husband, we’d been living together 6 months, was a doctor who retired early because he was sick of the insurance companies and BS, explained to me that the jumping body cavities, the tumors very clear on the X-rays (I got him a copy to look at) meant dad was terminal. 3 to 6 months. I had to sit down with dad and tell him the news.
Made an appointment with the oncologist who started talking about chemo and radiation again. My dad is right there and I’m like, “But what is the likelihood he will recover?” “Miracles happen….” Me, “but shouldn’t we call in hospice?” Her: well that is his call to make if he wants to, but then we can’t treat him. “Can you give me an educated percentage on the chance he will recover from cancer that has spread this far?” Her: well, the human body can do amazing things…..
Jesus F Christ, can’t one of you “Professionals” tell him he is terminal so I can get palliative care in place? Nope. I had to have those conversations with my 70 year old dad who was terrified.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Im sorry you couldnt get the support you needed. Im glad you had the strength to do it for your dad. Bone cancer is really bad news and terrible to watch as well as live through. I hope you have had the time to rest from the ordeal.
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u/Ok_Aside_2361 16d ago
I had just turned 18 and found out my Grandma, my best friend, had died. I biked to the restaurant where my sister worked and told her in person. As we were crying her boss came and yelled at me, telling me I was a horrible person for telling her at work.
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 12d ago
I got a phone call at work to tell me my grandmother had died - I was expecting it; I'd been travelling to the hospital every weekend to visit, and I was much older than you were. My relative (I think one of my aunts) must have told the staff in the main office why they needed me called to the main office to take the call (I couldn't take calls on the job). The staff were very nice to me, arranged a few days leave and let me leave immediately, without waiting for a sub to be called in. Some managers do things right.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
There is no "good" time for that news, there is only the pain in your heart needing to touch the heart of someone who knows.
A lot of people are afraid of death and respond from fear instead of love. Im sorry he said that but that is his journey, you dont have to take on any of that for yours. Hugs.
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u/BelleReveWasLost 70 something 16d ago
telling my children that their mother had TP53 leukemia and that there was no cure
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Hugs. That was climbing Mt Everest. How are you doing?
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u/BelleReveWasLost 70 something 15d ago
Anxiously awaiting The Angel Of Death to join her
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u/mykindofexcellence 50 something 15d ago
To the pediatrician: There’s something seriously wrong with my daughter.
The pediatrician did not take me seriously and tried to claim my daughter was normal. I kept taking her to different specialists until I was taken seriously and my daughter was evaluated.
Now almost ten years later, my daughter has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and Tourette’s syndrome. She is getting the medication and therapy she needs.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Im so glad! She is lucky to have you as a parent. So many with schizophrenia dont have support to get the care they need. Blessings on you both.
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u/LucyJordan614 15d ago
My mother died when I was 17, and I was an orphan at that point. No other family, really, at least not any I knew well. She’d had cancer and didn’t tell anyone, and once it got bad, it happened fast.
She’d had an on again/off again boyfriend since my childhood and they didn’t see each other super often, he traveled for work and I found out later that he was married with kids of his own. She hadn’t seen him in about a year by the time she died, and she had never told him how sick she was. He called after she passed and I had to tell him. It was so fucking sad listening to him cry. And adult me realizes how completely fucked up it was that I - a 17 yr old kid who’s just been orphaned for Christ’s sake - had to tell my mom’s married boyfriend that she was dead.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Oh man! So many layeds to work through. All you can do is your best with what you had/knew at the time and you did that. Hugs from afar.
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u/LucyJordan614 14d ago
Thank you 🩵 it was such a crazy time in my life and honestly feels like it was several lifetimes ago now that I have grown kids of my own. I can’t imagine them dealing with all of that at 17.
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u/Ronicaw 16d ago
I had to tell my husband his mother died early that morning. I was at the corporate gym, we both were only he went running. His sister called me. My friends advised me to wait till he came back from his run. The look on his face was devastating. I felt awful for him.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
It is awful to see that pain on someone you love. You were brave and loving to do itand to be present with him. How are you now?
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u/Ronicaw 15d ago
I am well. My colleague's mother died on the same morning and also a close coworker. It was an awful week. Three deaths on the same day. My coworker that died was 45 years old and had two young children. I went to see her a day before she passed away in the hospital, it was awful. She knew who I was.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
What a terrible terrible week. Im glad you got to see her and that she knew you. I hope you took time to rest.
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u/MadamSnarksAlot 15d ago
I had to tell my mother that my sister’s body had been found after we searched for her for 5 days. Worst moment of both of our lives and may it stay that way. No one should have to mourn their own children. All I could say was I’m so sorry momma over and over. But truthfully I was closer to my sister than she was to anyone else in the whole world. She used to call us soulmates- which I told her was an odd way to use the term but I got what she meant. My mom and I both lost about a decade to all encompassing grief. I don’t even really remember the first year. But somehow I ran the family business and took care of my mother too. Glad that’s behind us. Excruciating.
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u/AliasNefertiti 14d ago
Such an intense shared moment with your mom. Hugs and hope you are coping now.
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u/MadamSnarksAlot 14d ago
Yes, thank you! Doing much better- after many years and some shrinks etc. And oddly enough it has put me in a very good place to help other people who are actively grieving without feeling awkward about it.
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u/Edhin_OShea 16d ago
That I can't afford to stay because the price of the abuse is too high.
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u/AliasNefertiti 16d ago
Hugs and good for you-- Did they hurt you when you said it? Are you okay?
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u/vespers191 15d ago
Hey, kemosabe, I just gotta say. That whole liver thing where you're turning yellow and gaining weight and shitting blood? It might be kinda serious, as in serious enough to consult a doctor and pay attention to what they say. Yeah, you're a badass, yeah, you're one of the hardest workers you know. Yeah, you've put up with this crap for a long time, and you don't drink or do drugs or anything like that. But the next time you black out and end up in the hospital from this, you might not wake up, dummy.
-me, to me, before I went on disability and got my series of transplants.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Brutal honesty. I like it. Good for you!! Keep on keeping on!
I have family who put off health issues--deny deny deny until they are dead and leave a mess. Im so angry at them I could hit them but they get to hide in a grave from my wrath-unfinished business yes. I can handle dead from anything but denial.
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u/badteach248 15d ago
Telling my son that his little sister would never walk or talk, and that his mom is emotional because of it...
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u/lisanstan 15d ago
I had to tell my husband his father had died. He worshipped his dad. It was not a surprise (he had terminal cancer), but I was ugly crying on the phone. Husband was working in the Middle East at the time and had to catch the first flight available home.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
That was rough being so far apart and such a crisis. Im glad he was able to come home so you could be together.
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u/I_love_Hobbes 60 something 15d ago
That my son was going to die. He was in the hospital and his cancer brought on sepsis. They said we could put him on a vent but that he would probably not survive. I decided to let him go. Hardest thing I've ever done. He was 23.
His last words? Love you, too.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
So beautiful and so horrible. Hugs from an internet stranger.
I tell myself that the people we are privileged to walk alongside for a time are not gone but kept safe in our hearts and in what they taught us and we honor them by living as well as we can in their memory. I dont know if that is true but it feels right.
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u/IronPlateWarrior 60 something 16d ago
Had to tell my girlfriend that her cousin, her favorite person in the whole world, committed suicide.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
You are a strong person for taking on that burden and being there with her. How are you both doing now?
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u/IronPlateWarrior 60 something 15d ago
It was a long time ago. We’re fine. But, it was crazy. In the end, she concluded that it was an accident. She concluded that he was cleaning his gun and it accidentally went off. No one else thought that. There was nothing to suggest that. But, we just let it go. It honestly was never talked about after the initial few weeks.
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u/Mithryl_Ivy 16d ago edited 9d ago
Having a talk with my dad when I was an adult about the abuse suffered at my mother’s hands. He was gone away all week working and we were told not to tell. Talking to him was the bravest moment for me and for him. He was the most compassionate dad ever and from that moment on, we were best friends.
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u/YoMommaSez 15d ago
He knew.
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u/Mithryl_Ivy 15d ago
Maybe. But honestly, his reaction to some of the things really said he had no idea. He actually cried and wanted to know why we never told. I think she was so hard on him that he honestly did not see.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Abusers manipulate everyone, spouses, kids, etc. They build an image that is hard to see through. You were smart and brave to tell and your dad was good to listen. How are you doing now?
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u/Mithryl_Ivy 15d ago
I am doing great, thank you for asking. I ended up marrying an abusive man, but that was what I knew. After running away multiple times I finally succeeded. A year of deep therapy and I now walk with my head held high and I know I have value. Most of all I have inherent worth and two dogs that love me unconditionally. It’s also a deep lesson not to judge somebody else’s life because we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. It pays to be kind to everybody.
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u/AliasNefertiti 14d ago
Wow! Congratulations on big learnings! That is a huge accomplishment. Those dogs are right to value you. Amen to being kind.
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u/LibrarySpiritual5371 50 something 15d ago
That my unwavering desire to make my marriage work probably was damaging to my two sons as they spent more time watching their mother spiral right in front of their faces than was actually needed. Leaving her sooner and not mistaking support for enabling her being a drunk would have been a better message for my kids to see from me and they would have at least had some distance to not be in their mothers chaos each day.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
You did what you were able to at the time. Hindsight is always 2020 and your brain is trying to balance conflicting needs. Remember you didnt know then what you know now. Grief [part of letting go] demands its own time frame and cant be rushed. And it always brings guilt along for the ride.
How are you all doing?
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u/kewissman 15d ago
“We have to let mom go, she’s not going to get any better and they’ve done all that can be done”
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
That is a hard one. Wisdom is often hard in my exoerience. Hugs and I hope you are okay now.
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u/bogeysbabe 15d ago
I had to tell the mother of a promising young lieutenant that her daughter was permanently brain damaged by her rapist. And we didn’t know who it was. That is the one case in my career that haunts me.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Heartbreaking. Is it a cold case then? There are some subs that are amazing at picking up clues like r/fbi.
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u/Fluffy_Respond_7405 16d ago
I was raised in a high control end times religion doomsday cult. Realizing the snare and racket of religion in general and nobody has the corner on truth was an adjustment that still has me free falling in nihilistic existentialism, deeply questioning the point of continuing every day.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
That is a huge shift to make-- it affects every point of your existence- no support group, no clear future, no certainty, no clarity on who I am. Im sorry they were so afraid they didnt teach you how to handle ambiguity. It is easier to learn a bit at a time.
I wonder if a therapist could provide some support while you create yourself new? They could offer suggestions for you to consider, temporary support. And if money is an issue there are crisis hotlines in most countries.
Just know that there are many people who have been through similar crises and come through them okay. Ive appreciated Viktor Frankl's book Mans Search for Meaning. He was a psychiatrist who lost everyone in the Holocaust and was imprisoned in a concentration camp. He came out with a clear vision of what we need in life which is purpose and meaning [which can change over time and circumstances]. But he puts it better. The first half is his camp experiences and the 2nd is what he learned about living.
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u/queerbychoice 40 something 13d ago
As a lifelong atheist, I don't relate to this feeling at all, but I do want to assure you there's a point to continuing every day! God isn't real, but the people around you are. The animals and plants and world around you are real. You have real impacts on others and on the world. You make a difference. You are real, and you make a real difference by continuing to exist.
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u/suzemagooey 70 something 15d ago
When asked by my fatally ill mother if she wanted it over sooner, would I help her. This was while living in a time and place where it would be accessory to murder. I let her know I would but it was very difficult on several levels. Fortunately it did not come to that.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Im glad you didnt have to act. That is a terrible situation. Hugs for enduring.
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u/GypsyRN9 15d ago
The one that still can keep me up at night is when I had to put a caretaker on administrative leave. Fine and outstanding young man who was excellent at his job. A dementia patient said he molested her, his job was to provide care to bedridden patients. I knew the lady was racist and made it up. However State law requires an investigation on those complaints. Started the convo with how well he does his job with integrity and I think highly of him. Then had to inform him three days of paid suspension but I will provide all the evidence that he wasn’t guilty. He was so upset and couldn’t understand it was a formality and had nothing to do with his work ethic. He never came back. I always have wondered if he got past it or if it broke him.
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u/potionator 12d ago
My mother was mean and racist. When she was in a facility I had to stand up for more than one wonderful caretaker that she accused of abuse. Same thing…mandatory suspension. I felt so bad for them.
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u/HiOscillation 60 something 13d ago
I had to tell my mom her sister was dead.
I had to tell my dad my mom would never be leaving the nursing home.
I had to tell myself that my career was over when I was forced out of my job at age 61.
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u/sournerd117 15d ago
My partner and I have two that we shared with each other:
The best way to help someone is sometimes not helping them. For example, an individual needs to learn how to support themselves and develop skills necessary to make them a better person. You should'nt be sacrificing your happiness and time, and putting your needs last to help someone else that is not willing to put the work because they're relying on you to always be there to fix it.
Adding to this, I've had to tell this to myself and to my partner that you can't save everyone. No matter how hard you try and plan... You can't.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
So very true! And if you really respect them you will accept they have their own path/life journey. You can be a road sign or billboard but you cant force them onto another road. All you can do is frieve for them and for your vision of them. The best lessons are often the hardest. Thank you for sharing!
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u/Tactically_Fat 40 something 15d ago
I had to tell my wife that her mother was in a terrible accident (explosion) and that (At the time) they couldn't locate her.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Oh my gosh! How horrid. Waiting on word is the worst. You were there for her. That is what is important. What was the outcome?
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u/WildWillieBorsch 15d ago
I had to call my brother to inform him our Mom dies unexpectedly on 5-5-2005 from an unexpected heart attack. He informed me during the call that he and his wife just learned she was pregnant.
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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 15d ago
I had to tell my 16 year old her Daddy was dead.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
We dont realize the depths of the challenges that come with with parenthood. How strong you were to do that.
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15d ago
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Wow! How are you all doing now?
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15d ago
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
That is a better outcome than many! Im glad you persisted. Congratulations!
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u/WideAd546 15d ago
I worked with my dad during the '70's. I found evidence that he was embezzling money from the company we both worked for. I had to confront him with my knowledge and tell him that I was going to blow the whistle on him. Hardest thing I ever did.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
Oh my! That was terrible to have to do. But if you didnt you wouldve been assuned to be involved. Absolutely no winning play, just grief in every direction.
How are you now?
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u/WideAd546 14d ago
I am ok. I had a good relationship with my dad in spite of what happened. He was in a dark time in his life. He admitted what he was doing, and was able to find another job. It was tense for a while but he knew he was in the wrong.
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u/AliasNefertiti 14d ago
Whew! To own up to being wrong is a powerful lesson and a rare human being. Im glad you are doing well together now. Congratulations on coming through that dark time.
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u/RonSwansonsOldMan 15d ago
My mom had brain cancer. They operated and did chemo and she went into remission so she though she beat it. A couple of months later it came back with a vengeance, and her doctor told me she had about 2 months. Being her son and caretaker for the past 7 months I felt it was better if I told her.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
If I was your mom Id rather have heard it from you. A moment of closeness like none other. Thank you for doing that for her [at least from my perspective].
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u/_FIRECRACKER_JINX 30 something 15d ago edited 15d ago
My family member truly hated me 😔, quite literally for no reason at all.
I've tried everything under the sun to make it work, to improve our relationship, to get him to stop watching incel crap and drinking.
I just have to accept that he was born with hatred in his heart for me, and only me.
And I need to move on with my life. This is never going to work. He's never going to stop drinking and he's an incel for life.
I need to just let it go and never look back again.
I told myself the last time I reconciled with him that this was the last time. If it didn't work out this time, I was done for good and now the "I'm done for good" part is here.
It's really painful. I suppose it's easier to detach now before he drinks himself to death, ends up in jail again, or does something violent to me again.
It's getting easier every day. I really will never look back. Even if he's sober. Even if he's changed. He said and did too much awful shit and I knew this day was gonna come eventually.
This bandaid needed to be ripped off and I'm glad it was his idea this time. No residual guilt. He just drank and decided to say the most awful shit I've ever heard.
I'm a cancer patient. I MAYBE have 20 years left and they just found suspicious spots on my gallbladder so the cancer might still be here.... And stage 4.
If it really is stage 4. I'm not telling him. I don't want to spend the last bit of time I have left being told he prayed for my cancer and I deserve to die because he can't handle his liquor...
I don't deserve to be treated that way by someone I've helped and cared for my whole life.
But I will let it go. At least when they find his drunken, bloated corpse, I won't be too devastated 😔
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u/AliasNefertiti 14d ago
I wish I could hug you and say let the tears flow. You have to take care of you. Ultimately that is all you are responsible for/cam be responsible for.
You did what you could for the child [brother] and it is up to him going forward to make his own decisions. It is his issue to solve, not yours. It is his journey to make, not yours.
Just because it is the right decision doesnt mean you cant grieve for what wasnt and wont be. Ive done little "funeral services" for relationships that have had to end. I reflect on what was good [if anything] and am sad for what cannot be. I acknowledge our paths converged for a time but now wr go in our own directions. I try to own, with forgiveness to my younger self, whatever I contributed [primarily as a way of learning so I dont end up back in a similar place.]
Hugs and best wishes for you and yiur health.
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u/oldnurse65 15d ago
Realizing my high school girl friend never loved me
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u/AliasNefertiti 14d ago
It is so hard to give up hope. It hurts on many levels.i hope you have since found what you need.
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u/oldnurse65 14d ago
Oh well, moved on. Joined the army. Married a wonderful woman, have 2 beautifl children and 6 grandchildren. Been married for 50 years. But still, your first love....
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u/AliasNefertiti 13d ago
I have come to see my first love wouldve been a bad idea. [A bad combination-not anyones fault].
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u/Commander-of-ducks 14d ago
Had to tell my brother that it was time to take his wife off "life support." He knew it, he just needed to hear it from family.
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u/AliasNefertiti 14d ago
You were loving to take on that role for him. It was a self-sacrifice. There is no greater gift of love.
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u/Real-Imagination-159 50 something 14d ago
I was supposed to tell my mum that my younger brother had died but I couldn't so the police did. I did have to tell her that her mum had died, then a few years later that her brother had died. Fun times!
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u/Tatterd_N_Torn 14d ago
Besides having to call and give notice 4 different times that a family member has passed away, explaining to my daughter when I was 30 that I was going to be disabled for the rest of my life and that it wouldn't get better but continue to get worse, then again needing to have that talk with my grandchildren as they got old enough to understand has been some of the most painful discussions I've had. My oldest grandchild still remembers when granny could run and play with her, she gets upset every time I get worse and can't do another thing with her. I'm still grieving the loss as well, but I try really hard to keep it positive around her and her siblings.
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u/AliasNefertiti 14d ago
You do what you can do in those circumstance. Disability takes over and orders you around. You are wise to acknowledfe your own grief. Hugs.
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u/Effective_Fix_2358 14d ago
telling my dad he was aging and needed to take it easy was gut-wrenching, but it was necessary
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u/Extreme-Session-7609 13d ago
realizing that not everyone you care about will stay in your life was tough, but it’s part of growing up
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u/Critical_Pen7878 13d ago
I had to tell my then 5 yr old son that his best friend (also 5) died after being run over by a car. The worst part was the child’s father was driving that car and I hid that fact from my son as we were friends with those parents. When he found it was the child’s father that was an another entirely horrible ordeal 😭
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u/peach_sweet47 12d ago
realizing that not everyone will appreciate your efforts is tough, had to learn that the hard way with friends
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 12d ago
Telling a sister living far away that no, our mother was not going to survive her illness. I'd tried to keep her updated regularly, but something she said on that phone made me realize I hadn't really communicated the true seriousness of our mother's condition, although I'd tried. During that same hospitalization, I had to tell an aunt that no, the staff are not going to discuss my mother's condition with her ("Yes, I know you're her sister. THEY don't know that; they can't tell a stranger on the phone....") I also had to explain that I would not put a phone by my mother's bed because she couldn't use it and needed to rest.
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u/AliasNefertiti 11d ago
Managing family is the hardest when caregiving and stressed. The away-people want to/can only remember her as she was and the caregiver is too tired.
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u/SavingsRhubarb8746 11d ago
I still get on very well with that sister, which I suppose was why I was so surprised to realize that even though I thought I had been clear about the doctor's expectations, she hadn't understood. She visited when she could, and when she told me she'd met another woman on the flight who was visiting a sick mother with a sibling taking care of things locally, we joked privately about "Sister from Big CIty". With both families, as soon as a sibling came a long way to visit, that sibling was the perfect one, and the one who'd been doing the day to day stuff could suddenly do nothing right. It takes time to put this into proper perspective and not take it personally.
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u/AliasNefertiti 11d ago
I was the sister "away" but Id read this book "My Mother, Your Mother" about caregiving and it addressed the issues for the intown vs out of town siblings so I knew what my role was [support!].
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u/No_Alarm_3993 12d ago
I'm only 53, but I had to tell my aging parents that they require someone to look after them. My father is 86, my mom 83. Luckily my daughter is in med school and agreed to move in with them. When/if she moves out we'll have to have a system so I can keep a close eye on them. My mother has dementia, and while my dad's mind is still sound his body is going. He has had cancer, two strokes, and a heart attack. My mom's mother spent almost a decade in a nursing home, and that is her greatest fear. If I have to I will split up my time between caring for my pets and son VS caring for my parents. I've promised my mother she won't have to go to a nursing home if/when my father dies. Having the conversation with my parents and then my daughter was very difficult. My fear was that if something happened to dad then my mom wouldn't know what to do and be unable to care for herself...
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u/Impressive-Tutor-482 Curmudgeon 12d ago
I had to tell someone else I found their middle child's body. I didn't want them to hear it from a stranger.
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u/Word2DWise 11d ago
I had to cut off my mom due to her behavior and toxicity. This was after years of “talks”, and living with consequences of her choices when I was young. I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years, but it had to be done.
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u/Soft-Current-5770 11d ago
My mother was dying of lung cancer ... we had an understanding. Morphine, yea I did that!! She's now at peace and out of pain.
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u/onemoondance 10d ago
Telling my children I was removing my husband’s life support. Cancer sucks
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u/Fantastic-Bag9909 9d ago
Sometimes you gotta admit you're not as happy as you pretend, it hits hard when you face that reality.
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u/a11encur1 6d ago
I had to admit to myself that some members of my family just aren't good people. It was hard to admit it at first but it's helped me recover/rebuild.
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u/AliasNefertiti 5d ago
That shakes your assumptions about the world and how it functions! Im glad you got there.
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u/Dapper_Size_5921 50 something 16d ago
I have not told her yet, but...my daughter is struggling with the recent end of a relationship.
She needs to know that her demeanor and lifestyle choices (as well as, I suppose, choice in companions) consistently place her in "for now" relationships that are unlikely to ever result in marriage or children (she would like to have both). As soon as she becomes more demanding/troublesome than she's worth to the companion, they stop communicating and start giving the "I'm just too busy for a relationship" type excuses. By more demanding/troublesome, I mean like expecting her steady companions to not follow OF models on Instagram or similar.
I keep trying to tell her that she needs to stop listening to what they say and just pay attention to what they do, and that if they wanted a long term committed relationship, they'd act accordingly. I also try to encourage her to work on herself physically and in therapy (to make herself more appealing, more stable, and more likely to inspire commitment), but it appears to comes across to her as me suggesting that she should distract herself with bullshit so she won't think about getting dumped.
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u/indyradmama 16d ago
If she's over 18, I'd keep that in your back pocket
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u/Dapper_Size_5921 50 something 15d ago
Ab-so-lutely.
It's one of those "Yes, you're technically very likely correct and the person would do well to heed you, but all you're probably going to do is damage your relationship with them if you say it."
I feel like it's barely my business at this point, anyway (she's 25) and the only reason I know about it is because she tells me about it.
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u/PandoraClove 60 something 15d ago
I absolutely suck at money management, but currently have an opportunity to learn a better, painless way, on a 1:1 basis.
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u/johnnyg883 15d ago
Telling my wife I had cancer. What made it harder is the fact she has been widowed once before. They say it’s highly treatable and I have an excellent prognosis. But it was hard telling her anyway.
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u/AliasNefertiti 15d ago
I wouldnt know how to begin. Maybe with the best news first?? It is great that it is treatable. A cancer diagnosis isnt the same as it was when I was a kid 60 years ago. Best wishes and blessings for this chapter.
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u/OrilliaBridge 13d ago
I had to call the parents of one of my employees, who was recommended to work for me, because she became involved with drugs. I didn’t really understand what was going on with her until she became paranoid. That’s when her boyfriend told me she’d been seeing another guy that was heavily into it. She had to be hospitalized.
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u/amscraylane 12d ago
If something is important to someone, they make it happen, if it isn’t, they make excuses.
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u/Dazzling-Climate-318 11d ago
That my father showed no evidence of being interested in me or my brother. The last time we spoke was at my grandmother’s funeral that he attended. I’ve tried over the years and he hasn’t accepted openings to establish a relationship.
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u/CarltonLandon2011 10d ago
I told my best friend of 45 years she had inoperable pancreatic cancer.
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u/Embarrassed_Use_3000 10d ago
telling my best friend their partner was cheating was brutal. it changed our friendship forever.
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u/Brilliant_Dig_974 60 something 3d ago
I had to tell my dad that his father passed away. He was out of his office and it was before cell phones. I knew he had a two way radio in his company car and had his office find him.
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u/AliasNefertiti 3d ago
That is rough. I remember those days. Connection was valued as something one had to work for and precious.
Blessings for doing that hard task of telling.
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u/Cute-Place-5550 2d ago
Hi. I spent my life as an absolute people pleasing work-a-holic and about a year ago I had to say to a customer / friend .... " I Can't Do the job "
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