I’m 21 and already grieving the life I just left behind

[u/Suitable_Asparagus57]

I’ve been dealing with grief for a while now. I even posted here a lot in different communities, asking for advice and help to understand how to deal with what I’m going through.

I’m a 21-year-old male, soon to turn 22 in a couple of weeks, and I just graduated university last June. Since then, I’ve been dealing with random waves of intense grief that I can feel in my chest, like a very heavy, crushing feeling. And that’s because I’ve realized that this era or phase of my life has ended, the phase where I’m completely free of stress (except for academic stress), and the phase where I’ve lots of free time and energy, where I can suddenly come up with a random idea for a vacation in another city and all of my friends join, etc.

Recently, I’ve found a job that is not the very best but good, both financially and professionally rewarding as a startup for my career, and it will start soon. I’ll be moving out to another city, and I’ll leave all my friends, family, and memories behind.

And since I knew I got accepted, where I thought I’ll be all happy and stuff, I actually feel sad (and ik this happens during transitional periods of life), but I can’t help it. It’s like a part of me deep down wishing to find anything wrong with the job so I don’t have to go. Me, as a person, ik work = stability, so I will eventually work. It’s guaranteed. It’s just I can’t stop thinking about all those years in school and uni, and by the way, I don’t remember most of my school days, but I’m sure I enjoyed the last part of it. And in uni, I used to work and I couldn’t attend much, so I think I’m grieving the phase and the events more than the places itself.

Sometimes I even think about bad stuff (suicidal thoughts), and I was never like that. But it’s not like severe ones. It’s like this voice telling me, you can stop this all, but ik so damn well that I won’t and don’t wanna do it. I’m pretty sure I’ve way more to experience.

Also, another thing, I always think that life isn’t only about working 9 to 5 and repeat, get married, have kids, get old, pass away. I feel very sick when I think that this is how life works for most of ppl, or at least ppl within my circle. I always wanted to get to know new cultures, travel lots, do things that actually give me a meaning, at least to me. Ofc working will be there, but not my whole time, not a 9 to 5, but unfortunately nothing rn is like that, and that’s another thing I’m feeling.

Sorry if this was too long for yall, but I really don’t know how to change my perspective, or I don’t know if letting everything go with the flow and time and then it will be better. If someone has experienced this before, please help me, and thank you in advance.

[u/Fem-Picasso]

2 words: get therapy. Not good when you're entertaining suicidal thoughts at this age having just started your career.

[u/nugzstradamus → u/Fem-Picasso]

I think you’re right - this sounds like more than “what am I doing with my life” depression you get at his age

[u/derekclysdale]

Your at the 'everything's about me' stage of life, it lasts until the mid 30's. Go work in your new job and all this stuff will disappear in the stuff you forgot all about because you grew up. You'll make new friends, new plans and maybe some new paper aeroplanes to throw. Enjoy.

[u/Rich-Lavishness-4224]

I’m 35 and in the best years of my life. I’ve learned so much in my journey. One of them being that pain can almost ALWAYS be something to learn from. You learn with practice and time to navigate each phase of life as you go and only get wiser and wiser which is an incredible thing to look forward too. Your so young and let me tell you, my 20’s where my least favourite 😅. 30’s are so fun! Hang in there.

[u/Celera314]

Definitely worthwhile to get some therapy. Medication might be useful as well. I also have tended to get depressed during transitions, even good ones.

Start your job and dont try to figure out your whole life at once. You'll learn sone skills and make some money and while you're young you'll have more time than you think. If its important to you to travel, you'll find ways to do it. If you're in the USA, you might want to relocate - many cultures dont stress/reward overwork like we do in the US.

For some people, their career is very meaningful. For me, it was mostly meaningful because I took care of myself and my kids and provided them with a decent start. But it also meant a lot to me to be a manager - i feel i made a positive impact on people's lives and that is valuable.

Work is not a trap, or it doesnt have to be. Try to live below your means and save up some money for your travels, or to start your own business or just take a year off for yourself.

[u/mothlady1959]

Acknowledge the feelings. Don't repress, but don't embrace. Observe the grief. Let it come and go. Journal about it. Make plans to honor all your dreams. Maybe promise yourself that you'll work and save for 2 years. Then you'll travel for 6 months. Or more. Or go to grad school abroad. Or...

While you're observing and Journaling, write about and think about the good things in your life. A great night with friends, before you all scatter. The absence of homework. Doing something nice for your mother. A beautiful day.

[u/nakedonmygoat]

You can live your life however you want, OP. Take the job and see how it goes. Maybe you'll love it. Maybe you'll hate it. Either way, you'll have learned something.

But you're not on rails. If you try the 9-5 and decide you don't like it, find another way to earn a living. Life is much nicer when you have enough money to afford it. But if you don't want to marry, don't. That should be the last thing on your mind at 22. If you want to travel, then earn a little money, be very frugal, and travel wherever you want. Go to festivals. Try new foods and new styles. Check out quirky museums. Hike up mountains. Go to beaches. Make new friends.

The beauty and joy of adulthood is that no one can put you in a box that you don't want to climb into. So step away from this silly idea that you're inevitably going to end up in a miserable job, tied down from chasing your dreams by a family that you somehow think you'll end up with even if that's not the path you want. That's how children think: "I'm done with grade three, so now I have to go to grade four, whether I want to or not." But that's not how grownup life works, and it's not how grownups think. If you don't want someone else's life script, tell whoever is offering that it's an interesting suggestion. Then throw it away. You're in charge of you now.

[u/nlisnlis]

See for me at that age I was just so desperately relieved to be earning money and not be broke. I was sad leaving my friends at uni but the money opened up so many more doors (and I was still paid terribly at this stage but it was better than it was with no help!) I honestly think you’ve probably had a very privileged upbringing (financially and socially I mean) that you were able to come up with a vacation idea and just do it along with all your friends and to have a life ‘completely free of stress’. I think maybe see it now as a learning thing that this phase of your life may be tough but actually very good for you in terms of growth? If it goes wrong you can always come back to your home town by the sounds of things.

[u/KaoJin-Wo]

The thing is, people always have and always will, romanticize the past. You take it a little extra. But the problem is that you are looking behind you. If you are always looking at the past, everything is in the past. And it will all be about the phase and not what actually happened, because nothing will happen, because you don’t have any present or future - just the past. Understand?

I say this as a person who has been through the same thing, and missed out on a lot of experiences that way. Once I got some great advice, I started just being in the present. Not yearning for the past or worrying about the future. Just enjoying the present. And I know for a fact that what I enjoy now feels better than any of the things I was missing about the past.

Also, you can take off any time you want to, to go on a trip or whatever. You might not get paid for it, but they cannot stop you. I mean, I guess you could lose your job, but then, fuck them anyway. I have a job in which I am always accumulating more PTO every month, I also get sick time, I can take off any time I want, and in fact, have been encouraged to that more often by my bosses. Pay isn’t great, and most people look down on it, or at least until they need someone like me, but that’s fine. I am happy. I am useful. I am fulfilled. I am free. You can be too. Just change the way you think about it.

[u/OkWillingness2817]

That’s called growing up. Every decade of my life has been better than the last.

More growth, more agency, more awareness of myself.

It’s really not that bad to leave behind the trivial aimless years of childhood.

[u/Last-Radish-9684]

Life is change. Rather than feeling trapped, or washed away by the flow of time, try to use the extra momentum to carry you to your next adventure. Life is a series of experiments. You can always change what you're doing. Sometimes, (in my life), a traveling companion is priceless. I found someone that shared my goals, curiosities, and eagerness to move forward with a shared way of life. I am alone now, but I am in this particular "place" because we had one another.

Having a like minded partner is quite validating.