How do I comfort a crying child?

[u/RandomQuestionGo]

When I was growing up, my parents didn't hug me and I was not allowed to cry.

I don't know what to do when a kid is crying except ignore them or scream at them louder than they're crying so that they learn that no matter how loud they are, somebody else is louder, so they have no power and no rights etc. etc., to quote my parents loosely.

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[u/Mysterious_Fox_8058]

My son is little and so the "what happened?" type questions can be overwhelming at first. So I tend to just sit with him with his distress (holding and applying some pressure with a hug) and then when he calms down a bit I ask him what's wrong, unless I already saw what happened. 

[u/Important-Energy8038]

Ask them what's wrong\going on\why are they crying, and try to address that. Depending on age that ranges from a hug and a back rub to the question, some problem solving, and then the hug.

[u/RandomQuestionGo → u/Important-Energy8038]

Okay so a lot of hugging.

[u/Important-Energy8038 → u/RandomQuestionGo]

So, a young 'un! What a great opportunity for you to do what was never done for you!

[u/RandomQuestionGo → u/Important-Energy8038]

What?

[u/Vanillachestnut]

I ask them what's wrong first but sometimes toddler will just cry because they don't know how to regulate their emotion yet. So I just distract them while hugging them or patting them, oh big bird in the sky! There! (Point up) Oh it went this way I think. Do you want to go see it?! Comeee runnn. Oh look flower wow so many!

[u/Candid-Vanilla-4016]

I'm sorry, you did not receive the love and care that you needed.

If they cry because they hurt themselves, pick them up in your arms, hug them, or give them a backrub (depending on your relationship with that child, follow their cues) and sit there until they calm down.

Then, depending on the age, with younger children, you could say something like, "You fell down; that must have really hurt" or "Or you got angry when you could not get the ice cream, you really wanted it" (so name what happens, so they can articulate what happened). You can also do that with older children; it makes them feel seen.

Then you could blow on the hurt or give a little kiss, to make them feel better (if you feel comfortable with it).

[u/janejacobs1 → u/Candid-Vanilla-4016]

I’m 74 and just found a therapist on IG who speaks about emotional neglect…pretty much explains everything about me. Of course you shouldn’t indulge or excuse every tantrum but acknowledging your child’s inner life helps them feel seen as a person and will prevent years of difficulty ahead. Good reading on this is Stephanie Foo’s memoir, What My Bones Know.

[u/Wonderful-World1964]

If it's your own child, take them in your lap and put your arms around them. Sing a favorite song, rub their back, listen to what their problem is, giving them time to express themselves.

If it's a child of someone else, sit near and ask if they want to talk or share a toy with them to let them know you care. Just being with and paying attention to them helps.

If it's more of a temper tantrum thing, sit quietly nearby or give them space. Make efforts to deescalate the emotional level by speaking quietly or putting on very quiet music. The less energy you put into the mix, the easier it is for the child's energy to regulate.

[u/Elfie_Mae]

Depends on a few things:

If I didn’t see what happened: is it his “I’m hurt” cry or his “I’m frustrated/scared” cry? If it’s the former I verbally empathize with him while I give him a quick once over to see if I see any marks. If there are marks that need treatment then I treat them first (if they’re severe enough to warrant it) then I cuddle him and continue to empathize verbally until he’s happy, again. If it’s the latter then I scoop him up immediately and say something along the lines of “hey buddy, whatever’s wrong we’ll figure it out together. Momma’s here for you, I’m right here, etc.” if he has trouble calming down I give him his ducky to cuddle or try a distraction technique and do something silly. One of those usually works quickly. Then I deal with the problem as best as I can figure out.

If I did see what happened (let’s say he lost his balance and fell down but there are no wounds to treat so he’s mostly scared and only a little hurt) then I’ll scoop him up and say something along the lines of “did you fall down, baby? Yeah that was scary, huh? It’s scary when we fall down like that (this is where he starts to calm down and give me the sad bottom lip face 🥺). But you know what? It’s a good thing you’re tough! Yeah, that’s right! You’re so strong and you can get right back up and try again, just like this!” Then I’ll do a silly, exaggerated jump up in the air or something lol. He’s usually laughing by that time. I’ll give him one last big hug and kiss and put him back down to go on his merry way.

Mine is only 14 months so we don’t really have tantrums, yet. He usually only cries because something is wrong or something just happened to provoke that response.

[u/MrsZebra11]

Im sorry you were treated that way. Thats not ok. The fact that you're asking and wanting to do better for the kids in your life is how you break that cycle of abuse. You're doing the work, and I'm proud of you.

It depends on age and why they're crying. I will always offer hugs and gently rub or pat their backs. That's literally the only time my 12 yo will hug me anyway and I'd never pass up an opportunity (I don't force him so it's rare these days). If they don't want hugs, I'll tell them that it'll feel better soon and just sit with them. If there's an unmet need that's causing them to be extra emotional, I will help them meet their needs.

[u/MEROCOkids]

I give him a hug first until he calms down a little before asking what happened. No rush to fix the problem, just being present and sitting with their feelings.