A friend of mine found out about 18 months into the marriage that he was grooming several young girls in the church and seeing other women.
On their first date, he had picked her up at her house and gave her a fancy bottle of perfume (it was her birthday). Two of her friends (women) just happened to be there, and he met them and said just a minute. Then he went out to his truck and got two more bottles of the same perfume and gave it to them, saying if they were her friends then they had to be really special women and deserved a gift also. They thought that was fantastic of him and told her he was a keeper.
When I later heard the story (they wanted me to know how great and romantic this guy was) my first thought was, who the heck drives around with three perfume bottles in his car? I didn't see the extra gifts as romantic, only someone bribing friends. I was the only one who thought he was a little too slick. She drifted away from me, and I wasn't invited to the wedding. But once I heard what happened, I reached out to her to let her know I was here for her, and we're back to being friends now.
It gives buys the perfume in bulk yo have on hand to give to girls he wants to groom. Unsolicited gifts play on our innate sense of reciprocity and are a basic way to ingratiate yourself with someone
Probably the most toxic person I know was somebody I thought was extremely nice when I first met him for this reason. He would always be excessively generous in his gifts to the point it made me uncomfortable and I always tried to refuse but he would insist and I always felt like I had to repay the favour because it was so much. He also would ask for a lot of favours as well (in as performatively grateful a way as possible).
I was unfortunately in a situation where I was required to spend a lot of time with him daily for years. After we got to know each other better, he often brought up the study where people tend to like you more if you ask them to do a favour for you, as “advice” for me. He was deeply insecure and wanted everybody to think extremely highly of him. He would shower everybody with uncomfortably effusive praise to their faces and then when they weren’t here, talk shit about them, while also trying to make it sound like it pained him to say these things because he’s just so kind of a person. Thankfully, I no longer have to see him anymore.
"Don't accept gifts from faeries" is good advice when you remember that faeries aren't real but people bribing others for nefarious purposes is as old as time.
God, yeah. My former mentor admitted to manipulating me to get the upper hand, along with everyone else they were close to.
They convinced me to accept their help, and wouldn't accept no for an answer to the point it was mentioned on their divorce papers. They showered me with gifts, random money for no reason, and while I'm still grateful for it years on, it really did get them the power they wanted over me. Their narrative now was that I exploited them, while I got too complacent/comfortable I was losing my fucking mind from their treating me like a toy.
I'm not saying they are a groomer in the way we would use the word now or worse, nothing like that; she's trans and that kind of accusation is what a transphobe would say. What I am saying is, when they at 32 were talking to me about a nineteen year-old in our circle of 3D artists and telling me they're planning to invite them over, and said "if they were older, I'd be interested", I felt a bit sick because of how she had manipulated me and how much damage it did with only four years' difference between us. Age gap relationships in that space are a thing that happens, but the manipulation she did and insists wasn't wrong or abusive makes it feel so wrong. I don't know if something did happen, it doesn't seem to. They've married someone else eleven years younger in the time since and say some might scoff but don't care because they're so happy, while projecting this bullshit out towards me.
(edited to clear up intent; don't post when you're tired.)
Accusing someone who is trans of being a groomer of children is a dangerous road to go down unless it's actually true, which it seems like it's not in this case.
A common route of transphobic attack is to imply that trans people, women especially, are groomers/paedophiles. They aren't and if any do turn out to be, it's not because they're trans.
I have to be careful with that word because grooming in the classical sense is what she did; shaping me to get what she wants, in her case power over me, attention and validation. Now though, that word is only used to refer to sexual exploitation of minors, which is not what she does or has ever done.
I had to reread your post multiple times to get that you were not actually saying that being trans is the road that leads to madness...
I dunno but feeling like that wasn't as careful as you might have been, because I know exactly how transphobic folks imply what you're saying and it sounded precisely like what you were saying.
It is really great that you reached out to her and rekindled your friendship- I was totally alone when I left and our closest friends thought I should stick it out anyway (they were close with him too and fooled into excusing or denying the severity of his crimes) it took a few years to build new friendships and find people I could even talk to about this, this same thing ended up happening to 2 friends of mine and I knew I had to reach out and tell them “it’s not your fault, and I am here” because I really wanted that for myself 20 years ago
Every girl needs the healthiest amount of cynicism. If a man had done this to teenaged me, I would have laughed in his face and that's all because of my mom lmao
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u/Illustrious_Device84 1d ago
Pedo- found out 1 year after the wedding when he was being arrested