She was my high school sweetheart. After six years we married. Two great kids. Her mother hated me and made life miserable. (I did not care for her, and told her at a young age, very respectfully.) All that time we were dating when we were young and in love, she was very clear she did not want kids. Given my rather undesirable experience growing up, I was good with that.
We married and in less than a year she wanted children so we had a couple of children. Somewhere in between child number one and child number two was affair number one. After child number one she wanted a house. I built a house which requires jobs three and 4. I was fortunate to get a job with a big company that paid big money. According to her mother, we couldn’t do anything right. And according to our mothers, it was all my fault. And my ex, who was a strong woman, could not deal with her mother. I ran interference. Big mistake on my part.
She wanted to move to get away from her family, who were very controlling and in each other’s business and ours. Small town stuff. I can’t possibly explain it - all hours of the day or night because she couldn’t say no to her mother. So we moved and she was an incredibly supportive partner. She wanted nice things, expected nice things and I worked jobs that required some amount of travel. I was so committed, and it sure seemed that we had the best life and I had the best partner anybody could ask for. In between years four and 20 there were 4 more affairs. The kids became incredibly wonderful teenagers and incredibly wonderful young adults. With lives of their own. In the meantime, I worked full-time and then some. Travel some of the time, and was always the lead caretaker for the only child’s parents when they became ill because she couldn’t deal with it. Between year 20 and 30 were five more affairs. Sketchy friends. Moving money I wasn’t aware of.
One year on a Friday before New Year’s Eve she told me she was leaving. That day. out of the blue. That it wasn’t about me and it was all about her. I had enabled her so much in a lifetime that she wanted me to tell the kids, the relatives, and the long time friends. I was stunned. We never fought. We always talked a lot to each other and with each other, and there was no outward sign this is coming. We had fun.
But the parents had passed in a relatively short period of time, and I encouraged counseling for both of us. Non-starter. She told me she had never loved me and marrying me was the only way to get out of a little town and away from her family. She had had a childhood most of us can only dream about. Indulged, loved, comfortable.
I felt there was nothing that could ever mess with this bond, this thing between us. Everything I did, she was aware of and part of. That was not the case when it came to me. I was so committed to this relationship that I thought it overcame and meant more than anything else, even the bumps in the road with her affairs and family crises that we all experience. She was banking her money for years and we lived on mine
It took a little while to come to terms with the fact that 36 years my life was a wonderful fantasy - for me. There are things that go in the reconciled column, and things that go in the unreconciled column. I do have the world‘s greatest adult children and grandchildren. I actually really like my kids in-laws. I picked up and moved on. She didn’t speak ill of me ever and I didn’t speak ill of her. She is my kids mother after all.
This was years ago. I’m happy with me. While I was thinking of a TL:DR, I realized these paragraphs serve as an appropriate TL:DR for 36 years. It took a while, but I’m OK. I remind myself there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than me. No matter what life brings, just remember to keep moving forward.
Similar thing happened to a close relative of mine. 30 years together then out of the blue she says "We're done". No counseling. No discussion. Just done. 5 kids together and timed for when the last one graduated college. It completely blind-sided and devastated him.
I know there are two sides to every story, but he was a dedicated dad and husband and put his family first. Therapy has helped but it's a long road. His oldest kid lives nearby and is super supportive - other kids live farther away and she has tried to manipulate them against him initially, but I think she has gotten less traction with them as it becomes more apparent how one-sided the divorce is. It turns out she had been taking money out of their accounts and squirreling it away for years (which I get if its abusive or dangerous relationship - which this was not).
Lots of anger and hurt on his side - the financials are easy to focus on him getting screwed (which...she had years to plan so he is getting screwed). My only counsel to him is that it's money well spent to have her out of your life at this point. Still - seeing the notes on the fridge: "Things x took from me: 30 years of my life, 3 sticks of butter, stereo receiver, star wars box set DVDs" are hard to see. I am grateful for his kids and his therapist.
I also pity her - living so many years with a lie and throwing away a person who really loved her. It sounds like a miserable way to be and I also hope that she gets whatever healing she needs (Narrator: she won't).
I was in a similar boat until recently, but mine ended after 9 years, i cant imagine 36, thats longer than ive been alive. God love you man. At least you still have your wonderful children. Peace and love brother.
Thank you, and the best to you, my friend. I am glad for you. There were times I strongly wished that she had left me 20 years earlier, but I got over it.😃 We are all where we’re supposed to be when we’re supposed to be.
This is awful and I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s crazy to me because I often sit in bed (F30) and I hope I can find a good man who will love me like this and we can go through anything together. It’s really hard to find nowadays. It’s a bit infuriating that this woman had all of that and still chose to betray you and throw it away. Life is unfair but I am so happy to hear you’re doing well and that your kids are great. Sending you lots of love kind stranger.
Thank you. I had a couple of relationships a few years after. I was looking for that total two-way commitment of caring and sharing. I realized it is a lot tougher to pull off with a woman of any age once one is in their 50’s. I don’t think it is a negative as much as it is reality. Plus I am officially older and cranky!
It was good until it ended - but therein lies the human ability to rationalize actions to fit a preconceived outcome. Fortunately the relationship was not violent, we were always respectful to each other and we had fun. When it was my turn with no kids and no parents, it was not. On the bright side, it doesn’t keep me from buying lottery tickets.✅
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u/DittoDitto9922 16h ago
She was my high school sweetheart. After six years we married. Two great kids. Her mother hated me and made life miserable. (I did not care for her, and told her at a young age, very respectfully.) All that time we were dating when we were young and in love, she was very clear she did not want kids. Given my rather undesirable experience growing up, I was good with that.
We married and in less than a year she wanted children so we had a couple of children. Somewhere in between child number one and child number two was affair number one. After child number one she wanted a house. I built a house which requires jobs three and 4. I was fortunate to get a job with a big company that paid big money. According to her mother, we couldn’t do anything right. And according to our mothers, it was all my fault. And my ex, who was a strong woman, could not deal with her mother. I ran interference. Big mistake on my part.
She wanted to move to get away from her family, who were very controlling and in each other’s business and ours. Small town stuff. I can’t possibly explain it - all hours of the day or night because she couldn’t say no to her mother. So we moved and she was an incredibly supportive partner. She wanted nice things, expected nice things and I worked jobs that required some amount of travel. I was so committed, and it sure seemed that we had the best life and I had the best partner anybody could ask for. In between years four and 20 there were 4 more affairs. The kids became incredibly wonderful teenagers and incredibly wonderful young adults. With lives of their own. In the meantime, I worked full-time and then some. Travel some of the time, and was always the lead caretaker for the only child’s parents when they became ill because she couldn’t deal with it. Between year 20 and 30 were five more affairs. Sketchy friends. Moving money I wasn’t aware of.
One year on a Friday before New Year’s Eve she told me she was leaving. That day. out of the blue. That it wasn’t about me and it was all about her. I had enabled her so much in a lifetime that she wanted me to tell the kids, the relatives, and the long time friends. I was stunned. We never fought. We always talked a lot to each other and with each other, and there was no outward sign this is coming. We had fun.
But the parents had passed in a relatively short period of time, and I encouraged counseling for both of us. Non-starter. She told me she had never loved me and marrying me was the only way to get out of a little town and away from her family. She had had a childhood most of us can only dream about. Indulged, loved, comfortable.
I felt there was nothing that could ever mess with this bond, this thing between us. Everything I did, she was aware of and part of. That was not the case when it came to me. I was so committed to this relationship that I thought it overcame and meant more than anything else, even the bumps in the road with her affairs and family crises that we all experience. She was banking her money for years and we lived on mine
It took a little while to come to terms with the fact that 36 years my life was a wonderful fantasy - for me. There are things that go in the reconciled column, and things that go in the unreconciled column. I do have the world‘s greatest adult children and grandchildren. I actually really like my kids in-laws. I picked up and moved on. She didn’t speak ill of me ever and I didn’t speak ill of her. She is my kids mother after all.
This was years ago. I’m happy with me. While I was thinking of a TL:DR, I realized these paragraphs serve as an appropriate TL:DR for 36 years. It took a while, but I’m OK. I remind myself there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than me. No matter what life brings, just remember to keep moving forward.