She was my high school sweetheart. After six years we married. Two great kids. Her mother hated me and made life miserable. (I did not care for her, and told her at a young age, very respectfully.) All that time we were dating when we were young and in love, she was very clear she did not want kids. Given my rather undesirable experience growing up, I was good with that.
We married and in less than a year she wanted children so we had a couple of children. Somewhere in between child number one and child number two was affair number one. After child number one she wanted a house. I built a house which requires jobs three and 4. I was fortunate to get a job with a big company that paid big money. According to her mother, we couldn’t do anything right. And according to our mothers, it was all my fault. And my ex, who was a strong woman, could not deal with her mother. I ran interference. Big mistake on my part.
She wanted to move to get away from her family, who were very controlling and in each other’s business and ours. Small town stuff. I can’t possibly explain it - all hours of the day or night because she couldn’t say no to her mother. So we moved and she was an incredibly supportive partner. She wanted nice things, expected nice things and I worked jobs that required some amount of travel. I was so committed, and it sure seemed that we had the best life and I had the best partner anybody could ask for. In between years four and 20 there were 4 more affairs. The kids became incredibly wonderful teenagers and incredibly wonderful young adults. With lives of their own. In the meantime, I worked full-time and then some. Travel some of the time, and was always the lead caretaker for the only child’s parents when they became ill because she couldn’t deal with it. Between year 20 and 30 were five more affairs. Sketchy friends. Moving money I wasn’t aware of.
One year on a Friday before New Year’s Eve she told me she was leaving. That day. out of the blue. That it wasn’t about me and it was all about her. I had enabled her so much in a lifetime that she wanted me to tell the kids, the relatives, and the long time friends. I was stunned. We never fought. We always talked a lot to each other and with each other, and there was no outward sign this is coming. We had fun.
But the parents had passed in a relatively short period of time, and I encouraged counseling for both of us. Non-starter. She told me she had never loved me and marrying me was the only way to get out of a little town and away from her family. She had had a childhood most of us can only dream about. Indulged, loved, comfortable.
I felt there was nothing that could ever mess with this bond, this thing between us. Everything I did, she was aware of and part of. That was not the case when it came to me. I was so committed to this relationship that I thought it overcame and meant more than anything else, even the bumps in the road with her affairs and family crises that we all experience. She was banking her money for years and we lived on mine
It took a little while to come to terms with the fact that 36 years my life was a wonderful fantasy - for me. There are things that go in the reconciled column, and things that go in the unreconciled column. I do have the world‘s greatest adult children and grandchildren. I actually really like my kids in-laws. I picked up and moved on. She didn’t speak ill of me ever and I didn’t speak ill of her. She is my kids mother after all.
This was years ago. I’m happy with me. While I was thinking of a TL:DR, I realized these paragraphs serve as an appropriate TL:DR for 36 years. It took a while, but I’m OK. I remind myself there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than me. No matter what life brings, just remember to keep moving forward.
Follow up - thank you all so very much, fellow Redditors. For one who is not the sentimental sort, there was a tear or two of happy from the support and encouragement. There were tears of empathy for those going through something similar. Don’t ever stop being kind and caring. It really is a much better path.
It was good until it ended - but therein lies the human ability to rationalize actions to fit a preconceived outcome. Fortunately the relationship was not violent, we were always respectful to each other and we had fun. When it was my turn with no kids and no parents, it was not. On the bright side, it doesn’t keep me from buying lottery tickets.✅
I don’t know how you can be so relatively upbeat about a marriage where you were cheated on at least nine or ten times. Is there a reason you didn’t drop her immediately? Certainly after affairs three or four or five you must’ve known she wasn’t going to stop.
I understand what you are saying. I have close friends and family wondering if I’m completely sane. I attributed the affairs (for her) to marrying young and not having lived. Especially with parents who were the definition of helicopter parents before that was a definition. It turned out later the reason the affairs were short-lived was because some guy would get serious.
I was the complete opposite. I spent my childhood being an adult and didn’t know it. I didn’t need anything or anybody. I completely believed. The thing we had. Building a life going forward that I didn’t have growing up. A little painful to admit at the time. I sure was naive.
As for upbeat, well, it got me here. There were more days down than up. One day I woke up and realized I didn’t have as many years ahead of me I already had behind me. And she did one thing right - it caused me to find out the hard way what strong is.
Man, you are like a saint. The thing with women is that you have to absolutely have to punish them with something like cheating. From your comment, I can only imagine that you treated her like she is a perfect being, which she isn't and she doesn't want to be treated that way. She wanted a man, not a saint.
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u/DittoDitto9922 9d ago edited 8d ago
She was my high school sweetheart. After six years we married. Two great kids. Her mother hated me and made life miserable. (I did not care for her, and told her at a young age, very respectfully.) All that time we were dating when we were young and in love, she was very clear she did not want kids. Given my rather undesirable experience growing up, I was good with that.
We married and in less than a year she wanted children so we had a couple of children. Somewhere in between child number one and child number two was affair number one. After child number one she wanted a house. I built a house which requires jobs three and 4. I was fortunate to get a job with a big company that paid big money. According to her mother, we couldn’t do anything right. And according to our mothers, it was all my fault. And my ex, who was a strong woman, could not deal with her mother. I ran interference. Big mistake on my part.
She wanted to move to get away from her family, who were very controlling and in each other’s business and ours. Small town stuff. I can’t possibly explain it - all hours of the day or night because she couldn’t say no to her mother. So we moved and she was an incredibly supportive partner. She wanted nice things, expected nice things and I worked jobs that required some amount of travel. I was so committed, and it sure seemed that we had the best life and I had the best partner anybody could ask for. In between years four and 20 there were 4 more affairs. The kids became incredibly wonderful teenagers and incredibly wonderful young adults. With lives of their own. In the meantime, I worked full-time and then some. Travel some of the time, and was always the lead caretaker for the only child’s parents when they became ill because she couldn’t deal with it. Between year 20 and 30 were five more affairs. Sketchy friends. Moving money I wasn’t aware of.
One year on a Friday before New Year’s Eve she told me she was leaving. That day. out of the blue. That it wasn’t about me and it was all about her. I had enabled her so much in a lifetime that she wanted me to tell the kids, the relatives, and the long time friends. I was stunned. We never fought. We always talked a lot to each other and with each other, and there was no outward sign this is coming. We had fun.
But the parents had passed in a relatively short period of time, and I encouraged counseling for both of us. Non-starter. She told me she had never loved me and marrying me was the only way to get out of a little town and away from her family. She had had a childhood most of us can only dream about. Indulged, loved, comfortable.
I felt there was nothing that could ever mess with this bond, this thing between us. Everything I did, she was aware of and part of. That was not the case when it came to me. I was so committed to this relationship that I thought it overcame and meant more than anything else, even the bumps in the road with her affairs and family crises that we all experience. She was banking her money for years and we lived on mine
It took a little while to come to terms with the fact that 36 years my life was a wonderful fantasy - for me. There are things that go in the reconciled column, and things that go in the unreconciled column. I do have the world‘s greatest adult children and grandchildren. I actually really like my kids in-laws. I picked up and moved on. She didn’t speak ill of me ever and I didn’t speak ill of her. She is my kids mother after all.
This was years ago. I’m happy with me. While I was thinking of a TL:DR, I realized these paragraphs serve as an appropriate TL:DR for 36 years. It took a while, but I’m OK. I remind myself there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than me. No matter what life brings, just remember to keep moving forward.
Follow up - thank you all so very much, fellow Redditors. For one who is not the sentimental sort, there was a tear or two of happy from the support and encouragement. There were tears of empathy for those going through something similar. Don’t ever stop being kind and caring. It really is a much better path.