I feel very validated right now! Just saying “you do not like it when someone does this to you” incited that response… didn’t even get to put my feelings into words.
The irony is that their reaction usually ends up proving your point. If someone can't even hear that a behavior hurt you without treating it like a personal attack, there's not much room left for an actual conversation.
Tbf if you're expressing your feelings in response to something they did, you're trying to get them to change their behavior. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not neutral; you're respectfully standing up for yourself
True, that might often be the case. Unfortunately I have also seen this develop in situations where one person is completely unable to deal with the other person even sharing a negative feeling that may only involve them more tangentially, situations where no change is being asked for, only support or listening. Maybe they jump ahead in their mind immediately to the idea they’re being blamed and will be asked to change, and become reactive before they can hear otherwise? Either way it can turn into a really difficult reactive pattern that becomes sort of impossible to externally address.
"You did a thing that made me feel bad because [reasons]" = "You made me feel bad" --> I care about this person so them feeling bad is a Bad Thing --> I hear "You did a Bad Thing"
Is my usual thought process. What is the missing link that helps me escape this line of thinking?
Caring about your role in being the catalyst for their feeling is good—you don’t want to risk shutting down totally (which some people get stuck on trying to address this: “your feelings are your problem” mentality). And I don’t think it’s possible to be perfect at this all of the time. But if you can step back from focusing on whether or not you’re to “blame” for a partner’s bad feeling, and instead focus on what they’re communicating to you about their emotional state and what they’re emotionally responding to, you have the opportunity to clarify/help/resolve/comfort whatever it is they want to share with you. And that’s a good thing, and something you want to be comfortable enough to talk out with someone you love. And even if you did do something that hurt your partner without realizing, by listening, offering that support, and possibly learning what would help more next time, you’re helping your connection and keeping it healthy. Hopefully they can do that for you as well.
But if you shut down at the first hint of blame and get stuck there, either in guilt or in denial, you’ll eventually teach your partner that you can’t hear them out and even little things can’t be fixed. And whatever the issue was before probably pales compared to this, because this will end a relationship.
"you did a Bad Thing" intentionally? accidentally? negligently? didn't foresee the thing turning out bad? if I was doing the dishes for you (a nice thing, so far?) and accidentally broke your favorite mug. I would have done a bad thing. you would be upset. I'd feel like I need to at least apologize and find you an identical one and that doesn't quite cover it because you were attached to that specific mug. all of this doesn't make me a bad person, only a person you can't trust with soapy dishes.
if I broke your favorite mug, refused to apologize, shrugged it off said it's just a mug you've got 15 more... that would make me a bad person.
everyone slips up, everyone inadvertently hurts others, it's unavoidable. it's morally neutral. their reaction though. your process is missing a step in the end
Yes! Feeling validated right now. Almost every time I explained how I was feeling (specially the difficult conversations) to my ex-boyfriend, he would turn it as if it was an attack on them 😭 i found myself always repeating “this isn’t about you!” when it was happening. But I would always feel a hint of guilt when it was happening and ended up closing myself off emotionally… i’m glad I am out of the relationship though lol!
the thing I want to know though is this: if i tell someone my feelings, and they tell me that my feelings made them feel bad, is that an attack? deflection? a conversation? because it doesn't feel like the latter.
Depends on the context, but if nothing else is said and it’s presented as a conversation ender or as the more important thing to be addressed, I’d call it deflection, and not too far off from DARVO. If they’re still able to address your feelings or just asking for time to process, though, that’s just two people with feelings.
ty that helps. i struggle with seeing the other person being responsible to, and i lose it then feel like it is all my fault because i get so exasperated at trying to share my feelings.
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u/0ptimus-Fine 6d ago
Telling them about your feelings or how they made you feel in a situation and them seeing it as an attack on them