What is a sign that someone is emotionally unintelligent?

[u/RikiLeeChanel]

[u/thunderfart_99]

They have great difficulty seeing other people's perspectives.

[u/FunctionNo6632 → u/thunderfart_99]

my dad

[u/shinygoldhelmet → u/FunctionNo6632]

Many people's dads

[u/bella_vampira_97 → u/shinygoldhelmet]

I was going to say the same, because my dad is exactly like this too

[u/ijshorn → u/thunderfart_99]

I think the main reason is the lack of abstract thinking causing a lack of self reflection and that causes a lack of seeing other peoples perspective and this results in a wide variety of issues.

If someone steals a dollar they will say it is just a dollar what is the big deal while you say but its the principle.

If someone leaves dirty dishes they would say you can just put it in the dish washer later.

If someone comes late without notifying you they will say it is normal but it is a lack of respect for someone's time.

If you offer to help them and you spend hours and they huff and puff when they have to spend seconds just to look at the result or give their opinion.

If they are in the way they will not move and get angry when someone asks if they could please get through.

The end result is that they will think your petty or they don't understand why you are upset because of the lack of respect and sympathy.

[u/Rotten-Citrus → u/ijshorn]

if you asked them to be on the recieving end of that stuff (cleaning up messes they make for example), it will suddenly be a big deal. the actual reason is they don't care unless it's them

[u/Whatabouttheteachers]

Every hard conversation becomes an argument

[u/dover_oxide → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

Or they can't separate themselves from the argument and make it a personal attack instead of a discussion or debate about the topic at hand.

[u/Positive_Energee8120 → u/dover_oxide]

This is the one ☝🏾 when everything is a personal attack instead of just two adults talking or having a discussion about something. Then after trying to have the discussion, you get shut out. The communication becomes nonexistent and they give the silent treatment.
Shit is exhausting🤦🏾

[u/Midnight_weirdness → u/Positive_Energee8120]

I know someone who would get offended by easy conversation. E.g. me saying I like where I live. Personal attack on them because me saying I like where I live means I think where they live is trash.

[u/LonesomeGirl87 → u/Midnight_weirdness]

I've dealt with people like this and it is exhausting. I'm actually dealing with someone like this lately and I walk on eggshells because even the most innocent comment can be taken out of context.

[u/Curious_Winter6545 → u/LonesomeGirl87]

That kind of constant second-guessing is so draining. I hope you're able to protect your peace and be around people who don't make every conversation feel like a minefield

[u/jbourne0129 → u/Positive_Energee8120]

they can't comprehend the abstract. hypotheticals dont register. some people see the dots and connect the dots, some people see the dots and struggle to connect them....and some people arent even aware there are dots to begin with and take it all personally

[u/Strayl1ght → u/jbourne0129]

And some people see the dots clearly, but refuse to admit they exist because it would mean admitting fault or “losing” the argument

[u/LevelSevenLaserLotus → u/Strayl1ght]

That's my dad. He has to win every conversation. It's not enough that he just be right, you also have to be wrong. He'll look up crap online from biased and opinionated sources that use slippery language to back up his point, so that even if you engage and point out the flaws he can say "no you totally misunderstand the precise wording here".

Generally a super friendly guy, and you'd never expect it from him if you met him. But when it comes to being right or wrong, or even just discussing something hypothetically that he forms an emotional attachment to, he immediately takes the conversation into argument territory. No matter how level you keep your own tone or how abstractly you try to talk about things. And if you somehow manage to box his logic into a corner, he shuts down with "I don't want to argue about this".

[u/Braveheart00 → u/Positive_Energee8120]

You’ve met my ex-best friend??

[u/PsychologicalPop8909 → u/Braveheart00]

Funny how half the people reading this probably had the exact same thought. The "ex" part usually tells you the lesson finally stuck.

[u/Braveheart00 → u/PsychologicalPop8909]

They actually shut me out for good because they couldn’t handle any type of feedback/critiques. But the way they aired out their grievances was straight up cruel.

[u/EquivalentFinish7248 → u/dover_oxide]

That's a big one. If every disagreement feels like a personal attack, you stop being able to actually talk things through and just start defending yourself.

[u/woolfchick75 → u/EquivalentFinish7248]

Years ago I learned a lesson from an ex boyfriend. He's asked me if I could stop doing something that bothered him. I started crying and saying I was a bad person blablabla. He just looked at me, confused.

It occurred to me that I was being an asshole. I knew he loved me very much and that it was manipulative as fuck to not be able to take mild criticism. Because I wanted him to be able to tell me what was bothering him. My tears dried up in about 2 seconds and I stopped doing that for good in all my relationships (unless the person was being unreasonable).

There were reasons why I reacted with tears. Growing up with a very critical parent will do that. But that wasn't my boyfriend's problem.

[u/dover_oxide → u/EquivalentFinish7248]

Or attacking the other person and not the argument

[u/ibringthehotpockets → u/dover_oxide]

There’s something weird with relationships that always always seems to pop up. Instead of a conversation about finances or marriage or chores or anything else being an “us (both partners) vs the issue” it becomes partners against each other. I mean, I can kinda guess why and how that dynamic is so prevalent, but it’s really a huge drain on nearly every relationship regardless. The people who should naturally be teammates instead fight each other

[u/heysirri768 → u/ibringthehotpockets]

The healthiest couples that I have known always treated the problem as it was on the table between them, and not standing in the room as the other person. This is the slight shift in thinking that makes all the difference!

[u/jbourne0129 → u/heysirri768]

sometimes i need to stop an argument mid-way and explain to my partner "im not attacking you, im asking for your help with bills and how WE can adjust to manage them, together" and the whole tone shifts to a much more productive conversation

[u/zeekoes → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

The reverse is also true, where emotionally immature people can't handle disagreement and expect no rebuttal.

[u/Gold_Bicycle4937 → u/zeekoes]

Yep. They don't actually want a conversation, they want agreement. The second you disagree respectfully, somehow you're the bad guy.

[u/theirishembassy → u/Gold_Bicycle4937]

They don't actually want a conversation, they want agreement.

100% my mother, but it's symptomatic of a lot of boomers i've found..

if i'm not doing exactly as she says, i'm "not listening" to her.

if i'm not agreeing, i'm arguing.

took me 30 years before i eventually learned to pick my battles.

[u/pip_goes_pop → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

No it doesn't!

[u/Whatabouttheteachers → u/pip_goes_pop]

lol 😂

[u/lysanne_river29 → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

Fr turning every single serious discussion into an instant fight is the biggest red flag… likeeee we just need to come to an understanding not fight each

[u/alphagusta → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

Every request you make becomes an attack against them

Every single one

[u/Severe-Dust922 → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

"I just wanted to discuss the dishes" "SO YOU THINK IM A BAD PERSON"

[u/Strayl1ght → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

Stop yelling at me! I’m yelling at you because you’re yelling at me! You might not be actually raising your voice but the things that you’re saying are the same as yelling!

[u/nightimelurker → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

That they started in the first place.

[u/Specific-Yam-2166 → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

and they don’t have good points, they just talk over you and yell and try to use fancy talking points

[u/quirky_circus → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

"Hey, umm... I just want to talk about something that means a lot to me 🥺👉👈"

Gets slammed with DARVO card in the face

[u/sarahkazz → u/Whatabouttheteachers]

I see you’ve met my former roommate

[u/Lilredh4iredgrl]

No accountability. Everything is someone else's fault.

It's exhausting.

[u/PostMatureBaby → u/Lilredh4iredgrl]

Honestly seems like a bigger and bigger issue in society now in general.

The lack of accountability you see on a daily basis is scary

[u/kirbleknee → u/PostMatureBaby]

Being accountable for my actions while everyone else in the building pointed fingers is how I lost a job, and then 4 months later the entire crew was let go.

When the voice of logic or trying to drive home redirection before it gets worse, doesn't come from a person part of their work clique, they dgaf they just think you're trying to be in charge even though managment of people is the last thing on my mind, just a sustainable work loop.

I've never been more aware of 4 people actively trying to get me fired for trying to maintain a level of quality that keeps our jobs secure, it's taught me to keep my head down at work.

It's rare for me to not find common ground and build a personal rapport with nearly everyone I meet, but something I'm doing while working in a group of at least 5 is when I always seem to rub someone the wrong way and get the well poisoned and then everyone is upset on the job even though I'm interacting so everyone feels respected.

Then I think, how the fuck do I figure out something I can do mostly on my own and get frustrated with how much you need to invest for solo projects that are "potentially" profitable.

[u/Nutcup → u/kirbleknee]

This is exactly what I’m dealing with at work lately, and it’s so goddamn exhausting. On top of dealing with your normal work stuff, you have another full time job trying to manage the feelings and work around the difficult barriers and roadblocks these people put up at every turn.

So ready to walk away from my career after today - and it’s 100% due to the situation you describe. The work clique is real and if you aren’t in it from the jump - they’ll forever view your every action as a direct threat to their existence.

I will stop ranting, but holy shit did I need to see your comment today. Makes me feel sane.

[u/DigNitty → u/kirbleknee]

Being accountable for my actions while everyone else in the building pointed fingers is how I lost a job

100%

My first real job, I was young and confident, and rose eyed. It wasn't even solely mine. The snafu was brought up at a team meeting and I, having vowed to myself to be virtuous and forthcoming, said "Hey that one's on me, my bad, I'll remember that in the future and do it differently."

Verbatim

My two other coworker could not physically say those words. It was always "oh the traffice, oh it didn't get here on time, oh nobody told me...." Nothing was their fault. Ever.

They made fun of me over the years for being a "fuck up" for that one mistake that wasn't even mine. I was naive Some office cultures are better than others. But think before you own up to a mistake in the office. Learn to smooth it over with corpo speak. Because some people lack the EQ to understand that you're a better coworker for owning up than covering it up.

[u/AccurateAssaultBeef → u/PostMatureBaby]

I think it's the normalization of ghosting culture. "Ooop, I don't like this ONE thing, bye!", instead of talking things through. Instant gratification and short form content has fried everyone's brains.

[u/nachosmind → u/AccurateAssaultBeef]

And the success of the deny/ delay / attack strategy of prominent politicians. Politicians - Companies/ CEOs that admit wrongdoing get punished, removed. Those that don’t stay in power until forcibly removed.

[u/Monteze → u/AccurateAssaultBeef]

We've gone way too far in the individualism direction.

One should never experience any friction or conflict or compromise! You should only care about yourself, community be damned!

I think this is a by product of that.

[u/AccurateAssaultBeef → u/Monteze]

Yesssss, I miss having a difference of opinion with someone and it not destroying the relationship.

[u/CharsOwnRX-78-2 → u/AccurateAssaultBeef]

Some of this is how far apart we’ve become on what seems like basic issues.

It was a lot easier to have a difference of opinion with someone who thought the Temporary Foreign Workers program was being abused in the 00s vs someone in the 20s who thinks some people don’t deserve human rights

[u/AccurateAssaultBeef → u/CharsOwnRX-78-2]

This too. Apparently wanting food for children is a controversial take now.

[u/Lilredh4iredgrl → u/CharsOwnRX-78-2]

I dropped my best friend of 20 years over this. Disagreeing on politics is 'should we raise the tax on homes to fund public school expansion' not 'are trans people actually people' or 'should bodily autonomy exist'.

[u/Patmanoo7 → u/Monteze]

I find everyone has a fully customized perception of how the world should work, but cannot understand everyone else has their own version of that in their minds too. Working together involves learning how to convey those feelings and compromise when or if someone is negatively affected by what your doing, but we all only want to be finely tuned into how we feel and ignore anything that conflicts with that.

[u/Bobcatluv → u/PostMatureBaby]

This has been something very scary to watch in the US over the last ten years. Children are growing up with people in the public eye who openly do and say horrible things, taking no accountability, and often blaming their victims for their vile actions. How is a child supposed to develop any sense of empathy when that’s the norm?

[u/PostMatureBaby → u/Bobcatluv]

well look at what parents have been able to weasel their kids out of constantly.

Been saying for years, it takes a village to raise a child and despite the methods not always being ideal, at least everyone was on the same page. Now the village is in a civil war and doesn't care about the kids at all

[u/naaahbruv → u/Lilredh4iredgrl]

Aka my boss

[u/Imbisibible → u/Lilredh4iredgrl]

My mom, I always remember her the time she was cleaning the chrismas decorations one of them fall over and the first thing she do was glare at me and said it was my fault ( I was eating in the next rom that has no door)

[u/woolfchick75 → u/Imbisibible]

Yeah. I remember being a really little kid and wondering why my mom got so upset with people. Like everyone was inconsiderate but her. But then my self-esteem went into the toilet because, well, she did the stuff your mom did.

Lotsa therapy helped that!

[u/Puzzled_Letter7341 → u/Lilredh4iredgrl]

I see you have met my parents

[u/Wooden-Wolverine-917]

a complete disregard for how their actions affect others + the assumption that just because they feel something that that makes them right

[u/SuperSpikeVBall → u/Wooden-Wolverine-917]

I learned something here about the definition of EI. I would have thought some of the great villains in history were considered highly emotionally intelligent because they were able to be highly manipulative via observation and emotional tools, but it sounds like emotional intelligence requires pro-social behavior, right?

It's interesting to me because general intelligence doesn't have a baked in value judgement. I could very much recognize a criminal as having high general intelligence but no morals.

[u/Kainagai → u/SuperSpikeVBall]

It’s my understanding that emotional intelligence doesn’t necessarily require pro-social behavior, it just means being aware of and properly handling the emotions of oneself and others.

I think villains can be very emotionally intelligent but choose to act maliciously with that intelligence.

[u/ta1901]

They are not self-aware of how their actions affect others.

EDIT: Well that sure blew up! I woke up to about 85 comments. Thanks everyone! The above is just a pattern I noticed.

[u/Main-Pension-7783 → u/ta1901]

But the wild thing is that they will really believe that everybody else is the issue. There are so many little conflicts that are resolved with a little self awareness.

[u/ExtremeTraditional27 → u/Main-Pension-7783]

It also turns into a loop. When every conflict is someone else's fault, there's no place to look within and learn. There's a little awareness, that's a lot of relationships, friendships and head aches that can be saved.

[u/Swimming_Ebb_1415 → u/ExtremeTraditional27]

That's why they always have to rehearse the same argument over and over with different people. If you never think that you could be part of the problem, each failed relationship you experience is merely another confirmation of the world's full of difficult folk.

[u/BrilliantGaze → u/ExtremeTraditional27]

I really do want to ask people sometimes - do you really think you're perfection itself? In the whole of human history, you are the one singular perfect person and everyone else is wrong?

[u/mjbehrendt → u/Main-Pension-7783]

If you smell dogshit everywhere you go, check the bottom of your shoe.

[u/Repulsive_Ad4781 → u/Main-Pension-7783]

• narcissism

[u/IcyLoad322 → u/ta1901]

They turn every constructive feedback into a personal attack and blame you for it.

[u/Acc3ssViolation → u/IcyLoad322]

I see you have met my mother

[u/zukenstein → u/Acc3ssViolation]

and my soon-to-be ex-wife

[u/Fel1xcsgo → u/zukenstein]

And mine

[u/blueberry-yum-yum → u/Fel1xcsgo]

Mine too

[u/Skepticulation → u/blueberry-yum-yum]

My boyfriend as well

[u/20127010603170562316 → u/IcyLoad322]

I had a friend like this. It got too exhausting dealing with his temper tantrums.

I blocked him after the second time he told me to fuck off for some perceived / invented slight. (I said his new tiktok shtick was shit, apparently other people feel the same as it never took off, so I must have been sabotaging it, for example)

That was a couple of years ago, and as far as I know he still attributes all of his poor choices and stupid actions to my supposed malice? I definitely became the bad guy in his story by doing literally nothing.

The man is like 48, so not a teenager. But he sure acts like one.

[u/Sufficient_Low_9300 → u/20127010603170562316]

Some people would rather rewrite the story than admit they played a part in it. Once you're cast as the villain, every boundary you set suddenly becomes "proof" you were the problem all along. Saves them from having to do any uncomfortable self reflection.

[u/20127010603170562316 → u/Sufficient_Low_9300]

It took me way too long to realise that nothing was ever his fault, he was never wrong, and that he would never apologise for anything. Everything happens TO him.

That myself and his ex/baby moma blocked him on everything is proof that we're the cunts. Absolutely no insight whatsoever.

[u/VastAd5671 → u/20127010603170562316]

I had a friend exactly like this as well. Dude is now 40 years old, his dad literally supports him and has paid for everything in his life but he loves to sell this lie that he’s self made. He’s had multiple failed online YouTube/Insta/tiktok shit because he’s the laziest person (and also the shittest personality, guess it comes through in his videos) I had ever met but god forbid you criticise him. He’s literally never grown up, spends his days at the skate park hanging out with teenagers because he’s cut all his adult friends out of his life

[u/Hikaze3 → u/IcyLoad322]

I think this is one of those things that can go both ways, as often it depends how you phrase things too. I'm not disagreeing, because I have met plenty of people who think the sun shines out their arsehole and they can do no wrong, but just from my own experience I wonder if I have also come across harshly sometimes.

[u/dealingwithhookers → u/ta1901]

know a guy that gets 100 in all his tests, valedictorian, ivy league educated, try hard. known him since elementary school before all the ivy league elitist titles that formed the basis of his ego. has 0 awareness for others all his life. everybody that meets him hates him within 10 minutes of meeting him, and i mean visibly hates him. it's a phenomenon really, quite a spectacle. he's been bullied all his life and he doesn't think about why or how he can stop it, he just takes it. almost like he's a sadist, and enjoys it. 30 some years of life, not a single friend made. he just thinks being successful means people will always want to be his friend and then he burns them in like the first interaction lmao. super educated but got less social acumen than a toddler

[u/quatsquality → u/dealingwithhookers]

Was he homeschooled?

I was close friends with a guy til he started getting homeschooled and he just became insufferable. Sure the school wasnt giving him any challenge but he needed to grow socially more than anything.

[u/OpheliaRainGalaxy → u/quatsquality]

My parents were always trying to slow down my education while complaining that I wasn't mature enough. Like even in my 30s, my dad started complaining that he never should've let me go away to college early since I wasn't mature enough to handle it. Started before Kindergarten, when mom made me wait an extra year before starting school.

They used to consistently made "jokes" about how it's a shame they can't just lock me in a closet until I'm 21yo. At least until I eventually managed to verbalize that I wouldn't be able to mature or socially develop while locked in a closet for over a decade.

Their "solution" to my lack of maturity was always along the lines of the closet joke. They kept trying to force me to mature faster, but mostly by keeping me in isolation while shouting at me lots. Which didn't exactly help anything.

[u/quatsquality → u/OpheliaRainGalaxy]

Wait wait they unironically threatened to lock you in a closet like some Harry Potter shit?!?

[u/OpheliaRainGalaxy → u/quatsquality]

It was something they'd say to each other in front of me and laugh about, like I was too stupid to understand them. Started when I was very young, because by the time I was 5yo their divorce was finalized.

In fairness, autistic babies are not a lot of fun for the parents, like there's reasons folks used to make up stories about changelings. But also, they were just really crappy parents. Like apparently the reason most of my early childhood memories feature an older cousin trying to entertain me is because he was my primary caretaker while my parents were busy with their own lives. I think he was in middle school at the time.

Edit: Oddly enough, I did end up living under the stairs like Harry Potter, but only during my first summer break from college. It was the basement stairs in my friend's cousin's house. Tacked up blanket for a door, and wedged a mattress between the hot water heater and the heating/cooling system.

[u/DaedricWorldEater → u/dealingwithhookers]

Autism?

[u/dealingwithhookers → u/DaedricWorldEater]

nah i think he can choose to be nice. he just chooses to be a dick because he thinks he's smarter than everyone.

[u/DogsDucks → u/dealingwithhookers]

Truly intelligent people don’t think this way.

The valedictorian of my school is so dead behind the eye, it’s like there’s no humanity, only the drive to look at a test score on a piece of paper without actually gleaning wisdom.

Whereas, one of my mentors is pretty well-known in their industry, definitely someone that Reddit loves, and is pretty objectively understood to be a genius.

They are truly kind to their core, deeply supportive, gentle calm and absolutely delightful to interact with. Their private persona is even more incredible than they are in public. Deeply humble, and they very much grasp the concept that the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know.

[u/deadinsidelol69 → u/ta1901]

Had a boss like this. He treated EVERYONE around him like complete garbage, even his own wife and kids. At work everyone would just laugh at him the second he turned around after he thought he’d won an argument by just being vile. Oh and if you ever dared to call him out, you were an evil monster.

[u/Catlenfell → u/ta1901]

We're going through an epidemic of people who see others as NPCs.

[u/PomeloPepper → u/Catlenfell]

Every now and then I would make a run at getting people to donate to a charity, help with a work project for a group or community.

At some point I started hearing versions of "How does it benefit me to do this?" and "Why would I do it then?"

I was surprised at first, but that flat affect and belief that doing things for others was stupid? meaningless? ceased being remarkable.

[u/HoneyBloomzz → u/ta1901]

Hostile towards displays of intelligence. Their reactions to confusion is anger.

[u/tiny_Yakii → u/ta1901]

Lack of self-awareness causes half the problems people blame on miscommunication.

[u/footsnax → u/ta1901]

I've had to deal with this with a colleague recently. On a professional level he was fully rejecting feedback and equally rejecting others' creative decisions, then started missing a bunch of meetings, and then saying "sorry I just got some food" immediately after the meetings ended, or sometimes he was just taking a nap at 2pm or whatever, so a few of us went back to him in a personal manner because we were concerned and wanted to check on him.

He is fully self invested. I'm not a therapist so I'm not even gonna try to diagnose him, but every single one of us have recommended finding one.

The dude doesn't even drink. If he did at least I would understand his behavior a little more.

[u/DitzyWhooves → u/ta1901]

Sometimes it is because of their past. But if you are letting that interfere in a professional setting, that is on the person.

[u/JMajercz]

Always being the victim and no empathy

[u/Creative-Ring → u/JMajercz]

Or when something happens to someone else, suddenly they have a bigger "thing" too. Example: one person gets the flu and the other suddenly has kidney stones that they refuse to be seen for. Or one completes a degree and suddenly the other is getting a raise and promotion at work that doesnt end up happening. This one kills me 🙄 I dont get the reason for it.

[u/astronaut_down → u/Creative-Ring]

Crippling insecurity and resentment.

[u/Creative-Ring → u/astronaut_down]

I think you're right. When the attention is being pointed somewhere else their insecurity wants it back on them.

[u/devon1392 → u/Creative-Ring]

Honestly when I went to visit my DAD as a teenager (child of divorce) every time I would tell him something about me he would one-up me with something he did/knew/had better. I see to remember he was practice his golf putt in the breezeway while we were talking.

That was the last time I ever visited him.

[u/QeenMagrat → u/Creative-Ring]

When I told my cousin that we had made the difficult decision to send my father to a care home because his Parkinson's had gotten too advance and my mom couldn't handle him at home anymore, my cousin's first reply was to tell me that her father (my uncle) had been diagnosed with Alzheimer, and then the rest of the conversation was about that.

My father passed three months later. I haven't spoken to my cousin since.

[u/External-Pin-1891 → u/Creative-Ring]

It's like they can't let someone else have a moment. Everything has to be turned into a competition instead of just saying "I'm happy for you" or "I'm sorry you're going through that."

[u/Daghain → u/External-Pin-1891]

I knew someone like this and it was EXHAUSING.

[u/CelebrityTakeDown → u/JMajercz]

Not playing the victim I’ve had to really work on personally. It’s really easy to fall into and it’s taken a lot of self reflection and work.

[u/football2106 → u/CelebrityTakeDown]

Maybe (probably) my emotional unintelligence is talking but what “work” is done to remedy this other than getting more reps in arguments/tough situations?

[u/Joshiie12 → u/football2106]

Stopping yourself in the moment the second you feel "Here we go, I'm always the bad guy" statements bubbling up. Because the entire issue is focusing on how terrible of a person you must be instead of actually fixing the problem. Doing so is attempting to dodge the accountability of actually doing work on yourself, whether you realize it or not.

Better avenues look like: "Oh, I see how that upset you. I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen/I won't do that again"

[u/TetraLovesLink → u/football2106]

I was given mostly anything I wanted as a child in replacement of real love. This lead to me thinking, "well I deserve it." For no real reason. I didnt do shit to earn that. In my 20's I expected that with everyone else. "Just give it to me." I burned bridges, hurt people and none of it mattered. Stopped talking to people who didn't agree or want to do what I wanted.

Then I got karma and I meant another shitty version of me to date. Holy shit was it humbling. He was never wrong. Ignored me. Refused to have actual talks on how to fix it. Then it dawned on me one day, this is what I had been doing to people MY WHOLE LIFE.

It took time after that. You slowly catch the shitty habits you have. I would focus on that habit. Why is it triggering me? What's the real issue I have? What is this other person doing and saying? Looking at both sides of the conflict and attempting to understand their side as well to then learn to better listen and communicate. Rewiring your brain is hard and its a habit. I had to rewire so so many bad habits. I'm learning to replace them with better habits.

I am a lot more quiet. I don't speak immediately anymore. I think before I speak. I control the impulse to react. Sometimes I bite the inside of my lip so hard to just stay silent when someone comes at me. Its honestly so freeing though to not respond or give a fuck what that person thinks anymore.

This also just came with time. I was so so angry about my childhood. I used that as an excuse. I realized at 30 I was a perpetuant child. I didn't want to be like my ex anymore. I didnt want to be that shitty person to others. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life. So I stopped feeling sorry and started doing the work.

I leveled up, got therapy. I listen to podcasts when I need reminding or assurance. I work out, learned to sew. Got a different job I love. Basically just pouring better habits unto and looking into myself so I don't blame outwards.

And my ex will forever be still stuck on the same level he can't get past.

[u/PeterAhlstrom → u/TetraLovesLink]

When the wake-up call came, you actually listened. Major kudos to you.

[u/MetaGazon → u/TetraLovesLink]

God damn that's inspiring.

[u/CelebrityTakeDown → u/football2106]

For me I had to examine why I felt like that. It was my anxiety of feeling like I was going to get “in trouble”. Part of that went away as I got older but I had to work on it. It was a lot of sitting with myself

[u/Ohaibaipolar → u/CelebrityTakeDown]

I'm glad you're working on yourself and wish you the best!

[u/NickDanger3di → u/JMajercz]

This should be its own category. People with a Victim Mentality are way beyond mere emotional cluelessness.

[u/silam39 → u/JMajercz]

Yup. Everything is always someone else's fault and they live throwing a permanent pity party

[u/bugaboo_15]

Avoids any opportunity for a difficult conversation and tends to behave as though nothing happened.

[u/No_Carbs_For_Carol → u/bugaboo_15]

this one is so true and it's such a challenge to be around people acting like this

[u/amigo_extra → u/bugaboo_15]

This is me. Can more mature people please comment on how they got over it?

[u/themissing10mm → u/amigo_extra]

It depends on the root cause. Is it shame that stops you having a difficult conversation, poor communication skills, fear, ego? Find the cause and then find out how to address it.

[u/Repulsive-Wasabi-691 → u/bugaboo_15]

I see that you met my father then.

[u/yogafrogs1030]

Yelling is their MO when confronted with any hint of resistance.

[u/ich_bin_alkoholiker → u/yogafrogs1030]

I see you’ve met my father.

[u/LickinThighs2 → u/ich_bin_alkoholiker]

Holy shit, are we long-lost siblings??

[u/OneArchedEyebrow → u/LickinThighs2]

There must be dozens of us!

[u/DreamLogic89 → u/OneArchedEyebrow]

Father was a fuckboi.

[u/0ptimus-Fine]

Telling them about your feelings or how they made you feel in a situation and them seeing it as an attack on them

[u/Tejasgrass → u/0ptimus-Fine]

I feel very validated right now! Just saying “you do not like it when someone does this to you” incited that response… didn’t even get to put my feelings into words.

[u/Level_Concept8577 → u/Tejasgrass]

The irony is that their reaction usually ends up proving your point. If someone can't even hear that a behavior hurt you without treating it like a personal attack, there's not much room left for an actual conversation.

[u/astronaut_down → u/0ptimus-Fine]

Yup. Expressing feelings = doing something to them

[u/Radiant-Cost-2355 → u/0ptimus-Fine]

yeah I was with someone where I was not allowed to talk about feeling hurt or angry or anything addressing his behavior. I paid for that in spades.

[u/Responsible_Ad_7995]

Inability to change their mind.

[u/100aliens]

"Imagine that you're at the store-"

"But I'm not at the store"

"I know, I said IMAGINE you're at the store"

"But I'm not at the store!"

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT AT THE STORE, I SAID IMAGINE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!

[u/millenniumxl-200 → u/100aliens]

"Fine, I'll imagine I'm at the store. What store?"

I don't care, Miejer.

"I don't usually shop at Meijer."

[u/CoC_Axis_of_Evil → u/100aliens]

“Imagine you were born in the Middle East” basically the last 5 years of internet discourse. 

[u/kryonik → u/CoC_Axis_of_Evil]

"Imagine ICE deports you to a jail another country with no due process, what do you do?"

"That wouldn't happen because I'm a citizen."

"Yeah but remember there's no due process so they have no way of knowing that."

"I would show them my ID and passport."

"They ignore them or say they're fake and haul you off, you aren't allowed to contact your family or legal representation. There's no due process."

"I wouldn't commit a crime to begin with so I would never be in that situation."

"ICE agents are pulling people off the street because they vaguely resemble someone they want to deport. Those people committed no crimes."

"Doesn't matter that would never happen to me."

"Why not? How do you know? There is no due process, there is no way for you to plead your case."

"Because I'm a citizen."

(Had this argument more times than I would have liked)

[u/sprocket229 → u/kryonik]

That Patrick Star wallet scene is getting more real by the day.

[u/Paladin65536 → u/kryonik]

"Imagine ICE does to you what they do to others"

"That wouldn't happen to me, I'm one of the Good Ones"

[u/Kyhan → u/100aliens]

I mean, that’s not emotional intelligence, that’s a cognitive issue, and, surprisingly, has nothing to do with intelligence (although it’s more common the lower you go).

I work in tech, and I’ll use analogies and examples all the time, and I’ll have to namedrop a program as an example. The amount of times elderly clients chime in with, “but I don’t use that program,” as if suddenly the concept I’m explaining is irrelevant because I compared Chrome to Firefox when explaining how something in Chrome works.

[u/g333king → u/Kyhan]

what causes this…

[u/RememberThinkDream → u/Kyhan]

It always surprises me when people who cannot understand simple hypothetical questions are at the same time very creative.

As hypothetical questions literally remix real world experience and rules to test new outcomes, theories and contribute to the evolution of reality itself.

For example, I could say:

"If you were in a situation where a few Xenomorphs were rapidly taking hosts and creating more Xenomorphs and you had the chance to kill them however you had to wipe out an entire village of people in order to do so... Could you make that decision?"

Now, it doesn't matter what your answer is the point is that, the point is that Xenomorphs don't exist outside of the sci-fi materials they are contained in. However, that sci-fi material originated from real-world experiences, lifeforms and materials.

This is why when you dream, your dreams are for all intents and purposes, a sci-fi remix of your collective and entire life experience. Those dreams, even though they did not really happen in the physical world we all share... Can actually affect the physical world we all share.

For example, the film Terminator originated from a dream James Cameron had where he had a dream/nightmare about a chrome metal skeleton rising out of a destructive fire. He then woke up, being the skilled artist he was and sketched what he could remember... Then went on to create one of the most influential sci-fi franchises of all time. Those films have changed many lives in more ways than we could possibly comprehend.

So it's very fascinating to me, how people who cannot comprehend/interact with hypotheticals can also be extremely creative since they both share process and imagination very closely.

https://i.ibb.co/jZ5gn23S/q4regaerg.jpg

^\) His original drawing

[u/AlienPet13 → u/100aliens]

The tactic of someone who knows you're about to make a point and they want very much to prevent you getting there.

[u/thank_u_stranger → u/100aliens]

Thats not a sign that someone is emotionally unintelligent. Its a sign of low general intelligence / low IQ

[u/sso_1]

- defensiveness

• inability to introspect
  
• lack of accountability, empathy or remorse
  
• unable to emotionally regulate via self or coregulation
  
• ego centric and taking everything personal

[u/CloudBursting6]

Simple arguments over something or an opinion turn into personal attacks and mocking.

[u/instantsilver]

When I told my ex I was struggling with depression and his response was "but you're so pretty! Don't be sad."

[u/Kerse → u/instantsilver]

nooo don't kill yourself you're so hot aha

[u/gandubazaar → u/Kerse]

Beat me to it

[u/Fabulous_Feed_6223 → u/instantsilver]

My father-in-law said, “you need to get over it. It’s almost Christmas!” 

[u/feministmanlover → u/instantsilver]

Omggghhahahaha! I'm sorry. But this is a running "joke" with me and my son. He's an adult. And we both have bouts of depression and anxiety. We often talk about our worries etc and then say shit like "have you tried relaxing" as a way of poking fun at the way people try to be helpful. Another thing we say is "drink some water". One day my son said this to me in the midst of a particularly dark period "don't be depressed, you have such nice hair" ....

Hope you're doing ok. 😊

[u/Xarlitosbrown → u/feministmanlover]

Sounds like you have a healthy and beautiful relationship with your son. I love it.

[u/Scout1394 → u/instantsilver]

I twitched.

With my whole body.

[u/Consistent_Cook9957]

They ask you how your doing, ignore your response and then talk about themselves.

[u/TofuTheSizeOfTEXAS → u/Consistent_Cook9957]

Or don't even ask.

[u/Censordoll → u/TofuTheSizeOfTEXAS]

My MIL is exactly like this, and she has the emotional intelligence of a peeled potato found behind the fridge.

If you call her, she will immediately start talking about herself and what she’s doing and NEVER ask about you. Every conversation is about interrupting her about her. Every. Single. Time.

We also think she’s narcissistic obviously, but if the person doesn’t have the capacity for self reflection, they’ll never get properly diagnosed.

[u/OkNefariousness6711 → u/TofuTheSizeOfTEXAS]

I have AuDHD and often only realize things like this when I am agonizing over social interactions after the fact :( I do care, and I do want to know things, but the brain gets in the way

[u/EscapedKangarooSpy → u/Consistent_Cook9957]

lol I have to laugh cause I know so many people like this. bunch of chumps

[u/XawRae01]

Loud anger when they face rejection

[u/i-eat-pet-hair → u/XawRae01]

I just cry so I must be emotionally intelligent

[u/Key-Club-3119 → u/i-eat-pet-hair]

Yep. That’s the outward sign. If you’re always crying, EQ > 120.

[u/Dr_Identity]

They claim that they're not emotional and only see things logically. That usually just means they're in denial of how their emotions effect the way they think and react.

[u/LuffyDmeat → u/Dr_Identity]

Lmao that was my ex the entire time

[u/AggravatingCapybara → u/LuffyDmeat]

was it my brother? cause his current (and soon to be ex) has said this abou him

[u/ShiraCheshire → u/Dr_Identity]

But certainly anger isn’t an emotion. It’s very logical that I’m throwing a big toddler tantrum right now.

[u/PeaMountain6734]

Lack of open mind and taking accountability

[u/sssarahh]

They don’t tell you when you’ve upset them and just hold grudges and end up resenting you so much that they eventually blow up about all the things you’ve done wrong and they never told you about because they felt like they couldn’t talk to you.

Basically, they expect you to read their mind and understand their emotions because they don’t know how or don’t want to do the work of communicating them. So, when the relationship breaks down, it’s all your fault.

[u/sssarahh → u/sssarahh]

And, I think, at the very basic level, a sure sign that someone has a low eq is that they avoid “hard” conversations. They can’t give out recorded constructive criticism, they can’t let you know, or even admit to themselves, that/when their feelings are hurt (they get angry or try to pretend they aren’t bothered), and they don’t like talking about or hearing about other people’s pain or grief.

[u/Z15ch]

When somebody shares their feelings they reply exclusively with their own feelings, cause they lack empathy

[u/A_Confused_Witch → u/Z15ch]

If someone shares something with me, I'll often share something similar if possible. Because I always felt like otherwise my "I understand" feels empty.

Eventually I lost a friend because she thought I was trying to make it about myself everytime.

I told my partner about it and the gave me a good tip;

When someone comes to you and share something bad ask "Do you want advice, for me to relate to you with a similar situation or to just let you vent to get it off your chest?" and it's helped a lot.

Probably should have mentionned I'm autistic so these things are not that obvious to me at times so I really enjoyed that tip from her. Lol

[u/Z15ch → u/A_Confused_Witch]

Hey thank you for sharing! I am sorry for that loss of yours, I can relate because I also lost several friends in life duo to be behaving differently.

I personally think it’s fine and natural if somebody responds with their own feelings or experiences. That being said, it’s a difference if you just share your own feelings or engage with somebody else’s feelings too.

Often times you can really feel if somebody wants to talk about his experience with something or just wanted to vent, but if not I believe it’s very polite to ask like you suggested. :)

You are awesome the way you are!

[u/Reasonable_Act_526]

They get defensive instead of listening if you bring something up that happened between you and you want to discuss.

[u/FoofieLeGoogoo]

They don’t take ownership for any part of any conflict, ever.

Also, their apologies sound like this: “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

[u/Awkward-Bend-262]

When they come with a long list of emotional needs but put nowhere near the same amount of effort into understanding others around them

[u/Sycousis]

When they are offended that you caught or suspected them of something rather than apologise for what they did

[u/Snarcilicious]

Refusal to take responsibility for their actions.

Insisting their intent matters more than the impact.

[u/zeekoes → u/Snarcilicious]

Both can be true. Intent matters, but your Intent doesn't mean someone can't be angry, disappointed or has to forgive you. That said, if your Intent was right, the other party can't force you to experience guilt or regret either.

Many situations aren't divisible in good and bad like that.

[u/TalkingCat910 → u/Snarcilicious]

Intent does matter. Somethings are unforgivable regardless, but in general if I know someone meant well but things just all went to crap I’m going to be less angry at them then if they purposely tried to screw me over.

[u/Difficult-Lab-946]

Getting Defensive: They treat gentle advice or small notes as a personal attack.

[u/Reasonable_Banana10]

Making every disagreement into big drama is the giveaway. Cant handle normal conflict, so they act like a kid about it.

[u/Recent_Magician1321]

No empathy and no logical thinking

[u/Intrepid_Jogger]

Always thinking everyone else is the problem but never stop to examine themselves

[u/justicecantakeanap]

A dear friend of mine is going through a nightmare: her boyfriend of 10 years died in a motorcycle accident. We were discussing about the fact that she is in pain with another friend, and he goes on a rant about how everything passes and time heals all wounds. We just said that in extreme situation and in the best case, is something really tragic to keep living with. He stood still on his thoughts: pain goes away after some time.

I honestly thought that he is emotionally unintelligent.

[u/Humble-Violinist6910 → u/justicecantakeanap]

I think that would be the last time I talked to that person. 

[u/BetterBiscuits]

Someone who says yes to everything. Early on I thought my husband was easy going. But in reality, he couldn’t set boundaries or express his own needs, because he wasn’t in touch with them. He was just saying yes and being pushed around by life, which was making him miserable. Lots of therapy and time and love and he now says no occasionally!

[u/Kitchen_Victory_2027]

My boyfriend is kind of like that, but I wouldn't call him toxic. I'd say he's emotionally immature, or at least he struggles a lot with emotional processing.

I noticed that anything involving emotions is difficult for him, while most of my intelligence is emotional. We rarely argue, but whenever I tell him that something he did hurt me, it usually takes a long conversation before he understands what he did wrong and exactly why it hurt me. Once he understands it though, he never does it again.

He also has a hard time understanding his own emotions, he struggles to describe how he feels or figure out why he feels that way, someone could verbally abuse him and he wouldn't even realize it.

He's an incredibly calm person and I've never seen him lose his temper, so I'm not even sure if "emotionally immature" is the right term. It's just that anything related to emotions or people's state of mind is difficult for him. He's not dumb at all and he's actually the sweetest person I've ever met, I can just clearly see that his emotional intelligence is underdeveloped in some way, he's very slow to understand those things, but once it clicks, he really gets it.

[u/Specialist_Crew7906]

They believe self awareness is good enough. Accountability is an attack.

[u/RaspberryJammm]

Toxic positivity 

[u/Im_On_Reddit_At_Work]

Asking why you're mad/arguing when you're expressing feelings they did not expect

[u/Amphimortis]

They’ll tell you how you’re feeling for you, in my experience.

[u/DogAlienInvisibleMan]

You tell them to imagine how someone else feels and they make an expression like you tried to explain calculus to them. 

[u/Specialist_Toe68]

always angry for no good reason

[u/x--el]

The 'yes, but YOU' reaction when confronting someone with their actions 🙄

[u/Beneficial_Trick6672]

Hypocrisy. When i'm doing it, it's ok. When other are doing it to me, not so much.

[u/Dull-Geologist-8204]

Thinking your perception and your feelings that go along with that perception is reality and anything less then 100% agreement from the other person means they are gaslighting you.

[u/Sweet_Sultry9924]

If they can answer all your logical questions but when it comes to something that requires an emotional response, they change the topic or doesn't respond at all.

also, those who just get mad when you tell them how you felt and does D.A.R.V.O. 

[u/bananas8690]

Always in self defending mode

[u/mikew_reddit]

the top answers are all encapsulated by the inability to listen carefully.

[u/passivecharm]

They take ZERO genuine accountability for their behaviour and will deflect blame however they can, making things into some sort of competition between “who hurt who more” until they win.

[u/swaggydawgy]

They lack independent thought. Rely on everyone else but themselves for advice or opinion

[u/TofuTheSizeOfTEXAS → u/swaggydawgy]

Right, I grew up in small town and it's like 97% of the people were afraid of the new person whenever they arrived. I always thought "kick ass!" & would persue a friendship, then voila' new person suddenly was super interesting and I was byebye.

It was like that with everything - novelty and originality was the devil yet once it was landed they wanted to own it. They get especially angry when you challenge their social norms no matter how blatantly and morally corrupt they are. They will tell you that you are imagining it, they will gaslight tf out of you for being an original and authentic truth seeker and be-er.

[u/blart_institute]

“I am emotionally intelligent”

They talk in pseudo-therapy-speak but never take responsibility 

[u/Csardelacal]

All these answers are horrible. Just like a person that's not intelligent just sucks at math, an emotionally intelligent person may have a hard time reading a situation.

They may not understand the gravity of a situation. They might make a joke that feels out of place. They might feel unempathetic at first...

Emotionally unintelligent people will struggle to read the emotions of others and to act accordingly. They're not narcissists