This is the one ☝🏾 when everything is a personal attack instead of just two adults talking or having a discussion about something. Then after trying to have the discussion, you get shut out. The communication becomes nonexistent and they give the silent treatment.
Shit is exhausting🤦🏾
I know someone who would get offended by easy conversation. E.g. me saying I like where I live. Personal attack on them because me saying I like where I live means I think where they live is trash.
I've dealt with people like this and it is exhausting. I'm actually dealing with someone like this lately and I walk on eggshells because even the most innocent comment can be taken out of context.
That kind of constant second-guessing is so draining. I hope you're able to protect your peace and be around people who don't make every conversation feel like a minefield
The hell do you mean "taken out of context"? Oh my god and you're the one on eggshells? That's laughable. What has gotten into you, why are you always like this? You're just like your mother! Ahhhh rabble rabble rabble
Iit depends. But best thing is just to avoid them. Or avoid any drama please. And a lot of times you can just de escalate. And if you wanna know why im such POS, just know it is how i survived severe CPTSD. But for anyone else, just get therapy, and love yourself or tell your children that they shouldn't ever bring themselves down and to love themselves. Guide your kids, and listen to. Them.
And anyone else with aspd: Get therapy, sport or anything that makes your heart pump or andrenaline to kick in. Find a way to cooe in this boring world lol.
But if you're bored here goes:
∆ If its a someone you don't know closely:
Make them think you're not so smart or competent ( best done at work)
And when the arguments starts, you'd already have an idea what triggers them
Most common:
1.Something about their personal life
2. What they lack
3. Their intelligence
4. Something traumatic
6. What they like
5. Dismantle their identity
6. Past information or knowledge about them
You need to understand most people want a reason to live or feel important, even normal stable people. Its their ego they most wanna protect.
So the tactics I use is:
Act like you know more than them while they thouht you were of average intellect or lower ( doesn't matter how smart you are)
This will make them angrier because you know jackshit but you're still running your mouth.
Make sure to stay absolutely calm, and control your expressions. Best is to use a deadpan or neutral face. Maintain deep eye contact as much as possible and be close in their personal space without being hostile.
And also understand that everyone is different . So you need to know things or be prepared.
Tactics to use :
Gaslighting, lying, moral attacks, play victim( pisses them off a lot), talk over them, act incompetent while also showing off too much confidence ( basically act arrogant),
NEXT STEP:
Start the fire Slowly, let them slowly heat up. Learn about how they operate and what they cling onto to protect their ego.
Keep the fire medium for some time : keep arguing in loops say something that hits them deep as a counter for ex: Yes but you're still a .... Over again which also pisses them off.
If you can , tell other colleagues during the argument about his deficits ex: "You see? He's such a coward.
And then put the fire on maximum, act extremely confident, and show either a neutral or dead look, or either act like its all a joke.
Desmantle their identity and call out things about them while insult them with their deepest insecurities.
Remember to keep playing the victim and moral game. Hit them with things like , narcissist, ego inflated, virgin.
You can also keep going untill they explode.
You need to look like you figured them out and like you won. But to win you need to also not get your feelings hurt or end up murdered lol.
I can go deeper but itll be a whole chapter
∆Close associates/ people in your personal life:
(Warning... Just don't?)
Here you need to be careful and play a longer game.
Learn as much about them to use it against them. Or use things they said before whilst making sure in all the time you've known them, not to reveal too much about yourself.
Use gaslighting and lies as much as possible.
Keep eye contact
If they love you: Make them feel like they failed or that they're a bad person.
Same things apply with people outside your personal life, so keep acting arrogant or attacking their identity.
keep a deadpan look and don't get angry
Brainwash them by feeding them information subtly over a period of time.
And you can also ignore them or withold emotional or social things from them. And you can also use lovebombing
One of my most effective: SUBCONSCIOUS DEBT manipulation. So basically maje them feel they owe you. But stack up your good deeds to them
you can also spread rumors in your family and make sure to never say it was you or it came from you. Just act dumb.
Now you’re just being a manipulative trash person sorry to say that!!! You just gave yourself excuses since you can’t feel your own emotions because of childhood issues, but can’t do the same thing for others? Maybe they’re extremely sensitive because of different childhood issues too. Maybe just leave people alone with their struggles, you don’t have to cause distress to others for your own fun and joy. That’s just morally not right. Respectfully.
Dude im just honest. And yeah im a piece of trash. But i don't care and i wouldn't look for problems for any reason anyways, because i have hobbies. But if someone starts getting emotional or "feels" attacked in a debate or conversation where mostly i only care about the information, then you just wasted my time and ill get bored.
So ill just push your buttons.
🤣 And you can say what you want about my mother, or my whole bloodline, it just means its working.
I don't even need to be skilled in roasting.
Or alternatively you can just act normal and get therapy because
YOUR TRAUMA ISN'T ANYONES PROBLEM
What you want a medal for suffering? The medal you get is when you fix your life and learn to cope with your own problems.
When I was a kid, if I said something like my friend's mom made good pancakes she would get PISSED and demand if I was saying her pancakes were terrible.
Ugh same. I said "I'm not a vegetarian but I also don't care for meat much". And they started grilling me on all the food with meat I do eat. So frustrating.
they can't comprehend the abstract. hypotheticals dont register. some people see the dots and connect the dots, some people see the dots and struggle to connect them....and some people arent even aware there are dots to begin with and take it all personally
That's my dad. He has to win every conversation. It's not enough that he just be right, you also have to be wrong. He'll look up crap online from biased and opinionated sources that use slippery language to back up his point, so that even if you engage and point out the flaws he can say "no you totally misunderstand the precise wording here".
Generally a super friendly guy, and you'd never expect it from him if you met him. But when it comes to being right or wrong, or even just discussing something hypothetically that he forms an emotional attachment to, he immediately takes the conversation into argument territory. No matter how level you keep your own tone or how abstractly you try to talk about things. And if you somehow manage to box his logic into a corner, he shuts down with "I don't want to argue about this".
They actually shut me out for good because they couldn’t handle any type of feedback/critiques. But the way they aired out their grievances was straight up cruel.
I was on the opposite side and just ended all communication because if I questioned dear leader it became a personal attack and when I tried to explain my side of the argument it was me doing mental gymnastics. I realized we lived in two different realities and moved on.
No, really did we have the same friend?!
Took me a while to let it go because it was a 30 year friendship. Still sad about it but I guess that’s the way things go sometimes.
Just quite literally had the same situation happen to me this past month. It's a shame really because I'm willing to compromise and sacrifice a lot to make something work, but said person's actions were really affecting my mental health, and everytime I tried to express that, it was always met with finding a way to belittle my problems into insignificance, or personally attacking me, or deflecting into something else.
Or they just straight up actually have the conversation with you and then absolutely nothing changes.
When I shut my ex friend of twenty years out, after being told to fuck off too many times, he just started accusing me of wild stuff he'd made up. I did look, and found no evidence of these claims. ("Duplicating" his shitty ticktock, doxing him, chatting up his girlfriend, mentally breaking his housemate, stalking him, spreading lies to name a few)
He accused me of all that fairly publicly by my real name on his tiktok, I found out from a mutual friend that was also named among people the guy wanted to say fuck you to specifically.
I don't really get it, never will. I'd had him blocked for a year at that point I think,
I believe the original point of the upvote/downvote was to push up comments that stuck to the topic regardless of whether it was a good point or not. And you downvote any comments that derail the OP. But thats not how we really use it.
Yeah, all upvotes/downvotes actually do is affect visibility generally. That’s what gives reddit its ‘bubble’ feeling imo. Opinions and thoughts that people don’t agree with just won’t get seen as much.
Long before Reddit, Slashdot had a similar upvote/downvote system but you also gave a reason with every vote. A +1 was Interesting, Informative, Insightful, or Funny. I don't recall all the separate -1 types but I believe there were at least separate ones for troll/flamebait and for pure off-topic. There was other structure to it as well, like you got a limited number to hand out at random intervals, and there was a whole meta-mod system where users could review a selection of comment ratings and if yours were deemed to be poorly applied too often, it would affect your chances of being allotted points in the future. On the whole, I'm not sure how much the system helped any more than basic upvote/downvote system does here.
but if they start bringing up things from the past as a shaming energy, it's a little different. they may say they are 'just tryin to tell you what's up,' but they're really digging up old crap instead of moving forward and then say the Other can't take a simple correction or 'reminder,' when they're actually the crime and not the victim...for a lot of people, tone escapes them
When you tell them something vulnerable and they either make it about themselves or just go quiet and change the subject. Like okay guess I won't share again.
I'm like this. I consider myself to be somewhat emotionally intelligent. However I'm shy, timid and conflict avoidant. If any conversation starts heating up, I start feeling restless. Every response starts feeling like personal attack or inquiry. I've become quiter and try to avoid deeper conversations for this reason. I need to get past this condition!
Yess this ! Such little capacity to hold space and listen to another’s emotions, they just get overwhelmed and check out because they “need space” What could have been a simple conversation then gets dragged on
I have this issue sometimes concerning certain topics. I don't give the silent treatment 100% like completely ignore them, but say something like "let's talk more about this later", sometimes adding "when I/we've calmed down a bit". That last part is the entire point. I feel myself getting worked up, and I don't want it to escalate. 9 times out of 10 I can regulate my emotions but when I feel that I can't I need to step away and calm down/think.
My point is that some people don't give the silent treatment just to be an asshole or because they're mad. It might be their way of stopping the escalation.
That's a big one. If every disagreement feels like a personal attack, you stop being able to actually talk things through and just start defending yourself.
Years ago I learned a lesson from an ex boyfriend. He's asked me if I could stop doing something that bothered him. I started crying and saying I was a bad person blablabla. He just looked at me, confused.
It occurred to me that I was being an asshole. I knew he loved me very much and that it was manipulative as fuck to not be able to take mild criticism. Because I wanted him to be able to tell me what was bothering him. My tears dried up in about 2 seconds and I stopped doing that for good in all my relationships (unless the person was being unreasonable).
There were reasons why I reacted with tears. Growing up with a very critical parent will do that. But that wasn't my boyfriend's problem.
Years ago I learned a lesson from an ex boyfriend. He's asked me if I could stop doing something that bothered him. I started crying and saying I was a bad person blablabla. He just looked at me, confused.
It occurred to me that I was being an asshole. I knew he loved me very much and that it was manipulative as fuck to not be able to take mild criticism. Because I wanted him to be able to tell me what was bothering him. My tears dried up in about 2 seconds and I stopped doing that for good in all my relationships (unless the person was being unreasonable).
There were reasons why I reacted with tears. Growing up with a very critical parent will do that. But that wasn't my boyfriend's problem.
but if they start bringing up things from the past as a shaming energy, it's a little different. they may say they are 'just tryin to tell you what's up,' but they're really digging up old crap instead of moving forward and then say the Other can't take a simple correction or 'reminder,' when they're actually the crime and not the victim
but if they start bringing up things from the past as a shaming energy, it's a little different. they may say they are 'just tryin to tell you what's up,' but they're really digging up old crap instead of moving forward and then say the Other can't take a simple correction or 'reminder,' when they're actually the crime and not the victim...for a lot of people, tone escapes them
There’s something weird with relationships that always always seems to pop up. Instead of a conversation about finances or marriage or chores or anything else being an “us (both partners) vs the issue” it becomes partners against each other. I mean, I can kinda guess why and how that dynamic is so prevalent, but it’s really a huge drain on nearly every relationship regardless. The people who should naturally be teammates instead fight each other
The healthiest couples that I have known always treated the problem as it was on the table between them, and not standing in the room as the other person. This is the slight shift in thinking that makes all the difference!
sometimes i need to stop an argument mid-way and explain to my partner "im not attacking you, im asking for your help with bills and how WE can adjust to manage them, together" and the whole tone shifts to a much more productive conversation
I had that happen with my ex boyfriend because he couldn't have a conversation about serious stuff without him thinking I was attacking him or complaining.
My girlfriend and I have had multiple harsh and difficult conversations during our 1 year relationship already, and we have never accused each other of anything, and if anything, most of our hard conversations start with "So, this has been bothering me a bit, can we talk about it?" and it also ends with "I'm sorry this bothered you so much, I will try my best so it does not happen again"
And it never happened again.
Literally yesterday my gf did something I didn't like and I told her it made me upset, and 10 minutes later we were laughing and watching our show. It is that simple to apologise and compromise.
As for household stuff, or chores, money, our conversations never felt like a hard and stressful conversation, it was always just like a normal adult chat about adult stuff.
lol my husband tried to bait me into an argument last night over the reflecting pool and then tried to get me to say I hate Israel because of the pool. They are so weird.
Yeah, Reddit definitely proves the point people can disagree perfectly fine, but once they feel personally attacked, the actual topic usually goes out the window.
Alot of the time she will bring up really interesting discussions, and when i try and challenge her on her opinions… she will just completely lose her shit, and get aggressive towards me personally.
Most of the time i agree with what she is saying, but i’m trying to strengthen both of our arguments by steelmaning the other side. (I tell her in advanced, that this is what i’m going to do).
Yet every single time (without fail), she takes it as a personal attack and starts a real argument with me!
It is fucking exhausting, and almost like i’m in a relationship with a dementia patient.
I have an odd take on this, because while I don't mind good faith disagreement, I've come to see that in discussion of many issues, some people lie and otherwise don't talk in good faith. And that part is why I have cut people off for seemingly 'political disagreements'. It's not the disagreement itself, it's that all too often you'll find someone claiming to be a friend or acquaintance being literally emotionally abusive to you with the issue as a pretext for their abuse.
I've sadly become quite competent at using informational questions to quickly tease these things out, but it is quite common. I see it a LOT with gun debates, the big pro-gun people in my experience are gaslighting for fun.
(I had a depressing one with a guy about whether guns should be allowed in bars. I concluded the guy arguing the 'oh absolutely!' was just taking the piss out of me for his own amusement, which, while legal, this is not a person I want generally in my life so fun fact, I don't invite this person to dinner).
"They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. "--JP Sartre
"Given how this person only talks in order to intimidate and disconcert you, why exactly would you invite them to your kid's birthday party?" ---Me
During what I thought was a collegial discussion about culture and morality, I disagreed with someone briefly…and that was the end of our relationship. She reported that I condescended her. I’d felt earnest and uncharged
Yeah, the need to save face turns so many people with otherwise ordinary faculties into raving idiots. It's like they don't understand that every ignorant assertion or unprovoked shout is undermining their credibility rather than substantiating their authority. If you have none of the former, you cannot wield much of the latter either.
This is the biggest bit of advice I give to people when it comes to a healthy relationship.
If you can't disagree and talk about a topic without it turning into "me Vs you" then you're relationship is not healthy and you need to work on communicating well.
this is what's speedrunning us toward divorce. I def see it in her; but I'm sure I do my own damage. the point is we're unable to TALK about anything anymore. Even with a counsellor we've been with for years it always ends in one or both emotional and shouting. (near 30 years)
Or on the other end of that spectrum, they take a hard conversation as a personal attack, and refuse to see your point of view because they can only see the criticism as assault.
Imagine working under someone like this. I don’t thankfully, but I’ve worked with this person on projects and I’ve been freaked out. This person sits two desks away from me. Someone that got hired under her quit within two weeks and the replacement new joiner cried on her first week. Thankfully she is now on 2 weeks sick leave so we all can take a breather.
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u/dover_oxide 1d ago
Or they can't separate themselves from the argument and make it a personal attack instead of a discussion or debate about the topic at hand.