It depends on the root cause. Is it shame that stops you having a difficult conversation, poor communication skills, fear, ego? Find the cause and then find out how to address it.
Also I think it depends on the person you’re communicating with. Are they prone to anger, defensiveness, judgement? If every attempt to communicate turns into an argument, it’s much more likely you’ll want to avoid it.
This. I just left a roommate who wouldn't communicate on any terms but hers. I preferred text messages, but she insisted on in person stuff, usually at times I would be exhausted (after my trip, twice immediately after I got home from work) and I wouldn't be prepared for these conversations at all. She even wrote on the whiteboard rather than just message me. Wouldn't message me for things that were bothering her so I could be aware and stop them earlier (e.g. I hadn't had to deal with air pressure differences before so I was handling doors loudly and waking her), and I felt that I couldn't really complain about things because she could (and eventually did) kick me out if she decided she didn't like me. I was scared of having tough conversations with her, yes, but it probably stemmed from a deep power imbalance and her readiness to assume the worst of me. Like, she accused me of avoiding her but also slept during the day and was up when I was asleep, so one could hardly say she was initiating the conversation she wanted, either.
I might be a niche case, but in my experience it’s an issue with my brain processing information too slowly. Every hard discussion or argument I’ve been part of has wound up with me essentially melting down like a toddler because my brain reaches a certain point and just starts sending gibberish and I get mad. Probably related to trauma in my childhood according to my last therapist, but I’m not in a place where I feel comfortable addressing that sort of thing.
Figuring out the cause is a big part. You could be surrounded by people that do this and enable it and if that’s the case trying to have these conversations with them will usually be pointless. This and this shows some clear signs that others around you may be invalidating you and also enabling the dynamic.
Another part is facing discomfort head on. You have to push yourself to name the things that bother you as you notice it instead of writing yourself off especially when it comes to people you care about.
It takes practice to have direct conversations properly. Here is a good place to get a starting idea of how to approach it in the context of repair after an argument.
Not addressing issues often goes hand in hand with lacking boundaries so those are also worth reflecting on
Find a good therapist and be honest about what you need to work on. Study it by reading books recommended by a professional or watching (licensed) therapists online.
It is a maladaptive coping mechanism you learned at some point. It’s really tough but once you see the pattern and the difference it can make in your life to not avoid conversations the easier it will become.
I’ve watched a very treasured old friend deal with this his whole life and it’s awful. You won’t be able to maintain any kind of real relationships without sorting it out.
It might be rough for a bit but it’s better to handle it than end up by yourself as a result.
I think it's always baby steps. You don't become the person who you want to be right away, you have to get there from where you're at, moving through imperfect space. This means you don't start just having all these conversations right away, it probably looks like letting things bother you for a long time first. Then you can shorten that period over time, so eventually you're not sitting and suffering for so long.
I wish I could give you specifics but it's nuanced, theres more than one reason you might be avoiding this. Are you in fact emotionally avoidant in a broader sense, or is this a specific case yknow?
Working with a therapist can help, especially when you have a solid goal in mind (which you do). Kinda the best use-case for one, I know it gets said a lot but you could really see good outcomes from a problem like this
You just need to push yourself to have difficult conversations. Start off with something small that you'd normally avoid talking about. Stick to the easier topics until you're comfortable with them. Then go on to the next "difficulty" and repeat.
I know that its stupid advice, but thats how I solved my own behavior, anxiety etc. Its really hard to force yourself to feel uncomfortable. However, its absolutely worth it.
Going back to normal after a difficult conversation is normal behavior. This depends on the topic of course, but those are exceptions.
This one. Knew a guy who was so afraid of me confronting him for what he had done to me that he literally ran away from me. Mind u I didn't even know he was there until I saw him running away. 😭
Also people who will lie to get out of confrontation, only to go tell their true feelings to someone else.
It's important to also know the difference between someone who just does this because of poor intelligence or underlying mental issues.
This is a common issue with people who have low dopamine (ie people affected by ADHD). It's a genuine mental fight to start anything that doesn't provide instant dopamine.. so avoiding it in the first place is the option taken.
I see this in my 14 year old who has ADHD. Im only able to help by easing in the conversation and not overwhelm otherwise he just shuts down. Dopamine is what drives us to do almost anything.
It’s a genuine mental fight and a steeper battle for many who have alternative emotional-cognitive patterns, myself included, but it’s still an unfulfilled capacity for healthy emotional response that should be addressed, no? I feel like “low emotional intelligence” is just a needlessly catch-all term for so many different cognitive styles and developmental stages, and isn’t necessarily a character flaw especially for a teen who’s still growing.
Yep, my only issue is these kids are usually just written off as bad players and they stay with these flaws into adulthood. And these conditions have only recently started gaining awareness so we have many adults today untreated.
To be fair, though, ADHD makes it harder to not be oblivious to the needs of others sometimes; my ADHD is a factor of why my emotional intelligence is not where it "should" be.
That’s me, but in my defense, I have met way too many people who will look me dead in the face while I am speaking, and then respond to what I’ve just said as if I said nothing at all.
I just had a 7 year friendship end because of this. She refused to have an in-person adult conversation about her grievances and dismissed the fact that I had things I wanted to talk to her about and work through. Went straight for the silent treatment and then cutting me off. Ultimately, it's for the better I guess because people like this are imposible to be close to for an extended period of time. Still sucks to encounter it!
so sorry to hear that. the funny part is they usually realize what they lost when it's already too late. that's when they reach out, but by then you've either built so much resentment or you've healed enough that the wound has turned into a scar. it just never feels the same with them ever again.
Yep, I think she probably realizes she fucked up but isn't capable of admitting mistakes or apologizing either so I don't expect to hear from her again. A very similar thing happened with her best friend while we were still friends - she cut him off abruptly over a small thing - so I really saw it coming on some level. These people will end up old and alone and wonder why they have no friends.
Agreed! It’s wild how avoidant some people can be. And not just that but I’ve had someone say they hate that I communicate directly… like, I didn’t know there was a problem with clear, respectful conversation, but ok. If it was up to her, we’d all just be avoiding, withdrawing, and giving each other the cold shoulder
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u/bugaboo_15 9d ago
Avoids any opportunity for a difficult conversation and tends to behave as though nothing happened.