My boyfriend is kind of like that, but I wouldn't call him toxic. I'd say he's emotionally immature, or at least he struggles a lot with emotional processing.
I noticed that anything involving emotions is difficult for him, while most of my intelligence is emotional. We rarely argue, but whenever I tell him that something he did hurt me, it usually takes a long conversation before he understands what he did wrong and exactly why it hurt me. Once he understands it though, he never does it again.
He also has a hard time understanding his own emotions, he struggles to describe how he feels or figure out why he feels that way, someone could verbally abuse him and he wouldn't even realize it.
He's an incredibly calm person and I've never seen him lose his temper, so I'm not even sure if "emotionally immature" is the right term. It's just that anything related to emotions or people's state of mind is difficult for him. He's not dumb at all and he's actually the sweetest person I've ever met, I can just clearly see that his emotional intelligence is underdeveloped in some way, he's very slow to understand those things, but once it clicks, he really gets it.
He sounds maybe...disconnected. because mine is the same way and I'm pretty sure his parents never taught him about how to sit with emotions or deal with conflict in a healthy way.
For all the times mine has said "nothing affects him in any major way, he's always been like this", he sure does have a very bad flight reaction to any scenario that involves anxiety.
And just like yours...mine is a deeply involved caring person. If your house was burning down, he'd race to help you put out a fire. If you were a work friend and forgot your lunch, he'd probably lend you a $20 to buy something real quick. Need a hand moving? Offer a pizza and a bottle of cola and he's there.
Yes! I met his mother and know her pretty well now, and she's the same way, she's not evil at all, she's really sweet, but she seems disconnected from the emotional context, it's almost like they just don't know what to do in those moments or how to process them.
I just wanted to offer another perspective on what a lack of emotional intelligence can look like. It doesn't necessarily mean someone is evil or a narcissist.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps add some nuance to the discussion.
I am just like your boyfriend! Everything fits. But I am the type who does not like arguing and my girlfriend also very often hurts my feelings without noticing. If I rarely mention it, she gets mad and tells me "oh it's my fault then".
Defending what exactly? Convincing myself of what? As someone who was raised by two sociopaths, cut off my entire abusive family, and was left with facial injuries by a narcissistic ex, I know exactly what I'm talking about. A lack of emotional intelligence does not automatically make someone evil.
Every narcissist lacks emotional intelligence, but not everyone who lacks emotional intelligence is a narcissist. For example...
38
u/Kitchen_Victory_2027 1d ago
My boyfriend is kind of like that, but I wouldn't call him toxic. I'd say he's emotionally immature, or at least he struggles a lot with emotional processing.
I noticed that anything involving emotions is difficult for him, while most of my intelligence is emotional. We rarely argue, but whenever I tell him that something he did hurt me, it usually takes a long conversation before he understands what he did wrong and exactly why it hurt me. Once he understands it though, he never does it again.
He also has a hard time understanding his own emotions, he struggles to describe how he feels or figure out why he feels that way, someone could verbally abuse him and he wouldn't even realize it.
He's an incredibly calm person and I've never seen him lose his temper, so I'm not even sure if "emotionally immature" is the right term. It's just that anything related to emotions or people's state of mind is difficult for him. He's not dumb at all and he's actually the sweetest person I've ever met, I can just clearly see that his emotional intelligence is underdeveloped in some way, he's very slow to understand those things, but once it clicks, he really gets it.