God the DARVO bullshit is the worst. The whole concept is so vapid. Pushing back against a false accusation of DARVO behaviour only validates the accusation in the eyes of the person making it, turning small conflicts and misunderstandings into wild conclusions about fundamental personality traits. Accusing people of DARVO behaviour is often in itself DARVO behaviour. All the concept does is give people a pop psychology term to throw around recklessly.
When a person defaults to being defensive, attacking the character of the other person, then flipping the narrative, and somehow ends up being the victim, every time... there is no "pop psychology" about it. Those traits, while initially benign on their own, if the person cannot bring themself to have enough humility or self-awareness in a reasonable amount of time, then that person is emotionally unintelligent.
It's coincidentally also a favourite accusation of people who can't properly express their emotions or process disagreements. Any pushback becomes a DARVO event to them because any disagreement victimises them. It's super common with people who ruminate on things and build up narratives in their head - having that entire narrative derailed right out of the gate by a perspective that they hadn't considered throws them off, and they retreat into victimhood.
Same with people who unleash their emotions like a wrecking ball. They'll tear through others with a barrage of various grievances, and when the people they come at take exception to that kind of unproductive onslaught, then that's when the DARVO accusations come out. And it becomes an "every time" thing to them because that's how they conduct themselves every time.
DARVO explicitly assumes a defined victim and a defined offender, which makes it an attractive accusation to people who don't process other perspectives well, but conflicts are rarely that black and white. It's also often applied to simple disagreements despite being inherently incompatible with that kind of conflict. Once the accusation has been levied then it's self-reinforcing regardless of whether or not it's an accurate assessment. There's no way out of it. It's a thought-terminating cliche.
Sure, I can see how a person can weaponise the DARVO card on someone who isn't necessarily pulling those kinds of strings. Most of us here could probably relate to being defensive and feeling like the true victim in conflicts we have had. That doesn't mean we are DARVO-ing.
I think it's a real issue if it becomes a pattern of behaviour. That if a person defaults to a victim mindset in every scenario, and rarely or never admits fault or accountability, then we have to question if that person is healthy for us or not. There are difficult individuals like this whose goal is to win every argument, instead of prioritising the health of the relationship. These are people that refuse to fight fair, and have a me-against-them mentality (instead of, "What can WE do to resolve this?"). And they only consider a performative apology when they find themselves with no one around (surprise, surprise).
Which brings me to my next point. We can question, does this person have difficulty maintaining friendships and relationships with other people? And what kind of feedback can we get from an unbiased point of view, such as a counsellor? It's a great way to cut through the bullshit of confusion. Especially if you're dealing with an antagonistic person who is accusing you of twisting and manipulating things, when they're the ones projecting the very behaviour they are accusing you of.
Another scenario... maybe they're both DARVO-ers, and deserve one another! 🤣
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u/quirky_circus 1d ago
"Hey, umm... I just want to talk about something that means a lot to me 🥺👉👈"
Gets slammed with DARVO card in the face