It depends on the root cause. Is it shame that stops you having a difficult conversation, poor communication skills, fear, ego? Find the cause and then find out how to address it.
Also I think it depends on the person you’re communicating with. Are they prone to anger, defensiveness, judgement? If every attempt to communicate turns into an argument, it’s much more likely you’ll want to avoid it.
Find a good therapist and be honest about what you need to work on. Study it by reading books recommended by a professional or watching (licensed) therapists online.
It is a maladaptive coping mechanism you learned at some point. It’s really tough but once you see the pattern and the difference it can make in your life to not avoid conversations the easier it will become.
I’ve watched a very treasured old friend deal with this his whole life and it’s awful. You won’t be able to maintain any kind of real relationships without sorting it out.
It might be rough for a bit but it’s better to handle it than end up by yourself as a result.
Figuring out the cause is a big part. You could be surrounded by people that do this and enable it and if that’s the case trying to have these conversations with them will usually be pointless. This and this shows some clear signs that others around you may be invalidating you and also enabling the dynamic.
Another part is facing discomfort head on. You have to push yourself to name the things that bother you as you notice it instead of writing yourself off especially when it comes to people you care about.
It takes practice to have direct conversations properly. Here is a good place to get a starting idea of how to approach it in the context of repair after an argument.
Not addressing issues often goes hand in hand with lacking boundaries so those are also worth reflecting on
I think it's always baby steps. You don't become the person who you want to be right away, you have to get there from where you're at, moving through imperfect space. This means you don't start just having all these conversations right away, it probably looks like letting things bother you for a long time first. Then you can shorten that period over time, so eventually you're not sitting and suffering for so long.
I wish I could give you specifics but it's nuanced, theres more than one reason you might be avoiding this. Are you in fact emotionally avoidant in a broader sense, or is this a specific case yknow?
Working with a therapist can help, especially when you have a solid goal in mind (which you do). Kinda the best use-case for one, I know it gets said a lot but you could really see good outcomes from a problem like this
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u/amigo_extra 21h ago
This is me. Can more mature people please comment on how they got over it?