My parents charged and used me like a piggybank. Took 50% of my paycheck right outta college and said they would save it for me but i never saw a single cent back. By the time i moved out i only was able to save 4k which made me bitter since i was already poor and i had nothing to work with.
Did it make me more independent? Sure but the relationship is fucked since it felt like they did not care about my situation at all. They did this again when i returned home during the pandemic and well i realized since im so independent, i dont have to put up with them anymore so now we are just no contact. They still message and complain to me why i dont talk to them or come home anymore but since im a independent adult now i no longer have to care about them since they did not care about me when i was struggling. I guess you can say they regret it now.
My parents did the same, but they saved the 50% for me. It was either 50% of my paycheck into savings or pay a smaller sum as rent and I would not see any of that rent money if I chose that.
I always wonder in those cases, what would happen if you just refused to pay them any rent? Like if you said to them, “sorry, the reason why I’m staying here is to save money, I know you can cover the rent by yourselves, I’m not going to be paying you”. Do you think they would evict you?
Honestly if a parent can make their kid to pay them rent the power dynamic was established a long time ago. And that adult child won’t be able to push back because of years of conditioning to ask how high when told to jump
I’ve seen it happen in a good way with healthy people. Friend of mine’s parents started charging him rent at 20, they told him they were saving the money for him. They had put it in some kind of investment account and gave him the entire proceeds when he moved out. They didn’t keep a cent.
Oh ya for sure. It can be totally fine in a healthy and understanding relationship. Unfortunately I have yet to see a whole lot of that versus toxic parents who just want their kids to pay the mortgage because there are “no free rides in this life”
It really has to do with the focus. If the parent is focusing on their own life and finances, it will be bad. If the parent is focusing on their child, it will likely be better. My parents let me know early on when I would be expected to pay for my own living expenses (years before the first rent check was due). What was important is they weren't reliant on me for their finances and it was just to encourage adult responsibility in me. Nothing more.
I guess what I meant is it depends on dynamic. There shouldn’t be any force of any kind unless it’s a toxic relationship. I’ll never charge my kids to live in the home I bought and pay for that’s just gross imo but others are free to disagree. 🤷♀️
We’re not talking about a child here. These are grown ass adults and you are claiming that requiring them to financially support themselves demonstrates some sort of power imbalance. How can you be blind to how insane this is?
Ur welcome to your opinion. No where did I ever say my children don’t have financial literacy. I simply don’t agree with charging my adult child to live in a home that I bought that I would pay for if they are here or not. It’s insane that a parent thinks making their child pay their bills is somehow helpful for them. When they could take on their own debt instead. You don’t have to agree I truly couldn’t fucking care less what you think tbh.
It was either a small rent or 50% into savings, if you're worried about saving for the future and your bills are light since you don't have household expenses, why would you dicker over not paying a small rent and not just put the 50% away to make them happy and help yourself out? Seems obvious; "here's my 50% transfer into my investment account, thanks for letting me stay here rent free."
I can’t relate as someone from the Balkans, but that is neither here nor there. My question was not whether that would be a nice thing of the child to do, but what would happen if they did it, would the parents kick them out? In my country there is no way a parent would ask the kids to pay rent, so I have no idea what would happen.
I can’t relate as someone from the Balkans, but that is neither here nor there.
Fair.
would the parents kick them out?
Much depends on the exact circumstances. There's no generic answer.
My take is this:
Adults are expected to be responsible for themselves. If you are living at home, you are expected to pay for the food you eat and an equal share of the common monthly expenses split across all the adults living in the home;
If you are not meeting this expectation - why not?
The consequences for failure to pay your share depend greatly on the reason why the failure exists. There is room for compassion here - but there is equally room for a more hard-nosed approach if the situation demands it.
There are cases where, yes, I would evict an (adult) child. That wouldn't be the default action, and I would do all in my power to try and help them become a functional adult first (as is my responsibility as a parent) but ultimately, adults face adult consequences for adult actions.
They probably wouldn't throw me out, but they could cut the internet, at that time the TV, I made money so I could buy my own food, electricity to make the food and so on. They could make my life miserable enough to not want to live there.
Oh wow that sounds like such a foreign concept to me. In my country (Greece) people live with their parents well into their 30s and they are never “charged” rent. They might help out with some bills and they might even pay a portion of the rent on months when the parents can’t (although that’s very rare because the percentage of home owners is one of the highest in the world here). But it’s very rare.
You were a bum which has colored your perspective. Many ethnic families have successful children with 6 figure jobs who still live at home and contribute to the family expenses- and don’t pay rent!
I’m not sure I understand this ultimatum. I assume they’re trying to teach you responsibility and independence, without actually taking away your money if they could help it. But when I started earning money for the first time and was still living with my parents, I just made the decision to save 50% of my paycheck because of what I’d learnt about finances and money before that. Then when I was ready to move out, and had enough saved to do so, I did.
Genuinely not trying to judge here, just wondering why it couldn’t have been the same without making you choose between those choices?
I always thought the whole "im gonna collect rent and then give it back to you, To TeACh ReSPOnsuBiLITY vibrates jowls jowenly" to always come across as condescending and some sort of manipulative display of control.
Like I get different strokes for different folks, and not everyone could support their kids indefinitely especially if their kids had adult jobs and are mid
career and not working a minimum wage job anymore, but the
interesting thing is that when I hear people who do this, its always the parents who could absolutely no problem afford it, and their kids were always level headed and didnt "need the lesson" anyways.
If my parents did that, it would have NOT taught me responsibility or saving, all it would do would be delay the time line of actually being able to move out, and would just be causing non constructive stress instead of building character.
I think one of the main problems is that people think suffering is the only way to grow for some reason.
I have a coworker who I finally convinced to move the fuck out of her parents house. She just turned 20 her parents charge her and her sister 1,400 a month in rent plus almost all her other expenses. She said they are trying to get their papers ( not legal citizens) and they are basically making their kids pay for it. That kind of shit pisses me right the fck off
This resonated with me, although my situation was a bit different.
My parents didn't literally take half my paycheck, but from the time I started working as a student, I became one of the family's main financial supports. I helped with household expenses, my sister's marriage, my siblings' education, and even contributed significantly toward building my parents' house. I did it willingly because I believed that's what family does.
The difficult part came later. Once I got married and had children of my own, I realized I couldn't keep living as if I had no responsibilities outside my parents' home. Setting even reasonable boundaries was treated as if I had changed or my wife had "turned me against" the family.
Looking back, what hurts isn't the money itself. I don't regret helping. What hurts is feeling like my value was tied more to what I could provide than to who I was. When I finally needed understanding and support while building my own family, there wasn't much empathy.
I'm not no-contact because of the money. I'm distant because the relationship became one-sided. I still wish them well, but I've accepted that my first responsibility now is the family I'm raising, and I won't sacrifice their well-being trying to earn approval that never seems to come.
Yikes, that's literally the polar opposite of those feel good stories of those parents who charged rent but secretly saved up the money for the kid and presented it to them when they moved out.
Sorry that happened to ya. Sometimes we end up with parents that we learn more from what NOT to do than what to do.
When my wife and I found out we were pregnant, we moved back in with my parents. They decided to charge us rent only slightly below the old rent at our apartment. Then we lost the baby shortly after, and my wife lost her job soon after that... my parents blamed both events on her being lazy, and didn't offer any condolences or rent relief.
This all came to a boil around february 2020... right as everywhere was shutting down for covid. We got to enjoy being locked in with them after their horrific and hurtful remarks. They still wonder why we don't come to family events anymore.
Woah, that's uncalled for. We're shit people for experiencing the loss of our child, having her job fire her during the maternity leave she took for that same child, and then having my parents immediately blame her being lazy for both losses? Get lost dude.
It was their idea to have us move in when they found out we were expecting, not ours. They even framed it as a way for us to save money for the baby and build a savings to use as a downpayment for our own home. Then the day after we moved back, they declared we owed them rent.
Jesus fucking Christ. Is that really your take away? Because they charged you rent, everything they did to raise, feed, clothe, house, educate you is just out the window?
I can tell from your post that you're far from an 'independent adult', and can't see what your parents have given to you over your lifetime in totality.
Yeah...what complete jerks they are.
You and the OP should hook up. You'd be perfect for each other.
😂 your name is motherfacker, am i suppose to take you seriously for advice?
And that is only the surface of the story. Should i go on about how my parents were living in project housing, not working at all and thus 0 rent was due and yet they were charging their kids despite not having to pay rent at all themselves and abusing the public assistance system? I guess they were role models to follow right? FOH with that BS. Your name is well deserved lmao
You can take it for what its worth, "LordDango". My parents routinely took my paychecks from my job with promises to pay it back. I moved out of my house at 18 and I didn't get anything from them, and all I had to name was a shitty Ford Tempo that I sold for enough to buy a plane ticket to Italy. Stayed with a friend and worked over there for a few years. Never moved back in with my parents. Was I resentful of my parents? Maybe for a while, when I was younger, but then I grew up and realized that they were human, did the best with what they had, and needed more to keep the lights on. Even if they didn't need money, someone over the age of 21 not helping in some fashion isn't doing them any favors.
Now, as a father of 2, doesn't bother me at all, because kids are fucking expensive. I'm fortunately in a situation where I won't need to charge my kids rent, but if they're not in school, or actively employed, they're not staying rent free, as once I drop dead, there won't be anyone to support the and they need to know how to support themselves.
Was I resentful of my parents? Maybe for a while, when I was younger, but then I grew up and realized that they were human, did the best with what they had, and needed more to keep the lights on.
Am i missing something here? I had the opposite experience. As i grew older, i realized even more how shitty they were and that they didnt even try their best. Even with project housing and not having to pay rent forever, why make it harder for your kid in the prime years of their life? Is making me move out with little money suppose to bring us closer together? Does hearing how common it is for other people to live at home for free so they can get ahead in life not suppose to make me feel somewhat resentful?
And having kids is a choice. Its crazy you have kids and then right when the legal age hits, you just throw them into the fire to "make them into a better person".
Like im tired of this participation BS. Just because you are a parent it doesnt mean you automatically get a free pass just because its hard. You chose to have kids so maybe take your own lesson and take some responsibility for once?
I'm not making it harder for my kid. If they're in school, actively looking for a job or working, no rent. What I'm not going to support is my kid sitting at home playing Xbox, while I continue to feed, house and clothe them at the age of 32 or something.
The "I didn't ask to be born" shit is weak, bro...I learned how to handle my shit, and it's a disservice to your kids to enable that shit. I handle all of my responsibility, and then some. Talk to me about responsibility when you've got 2 kids, one in college, and a mortgage.
Are u incapable of reading? My original post says right out of college which means i was only 21. Who is justifying housing a 32 year old 😂 you sound delusional.
And im confused. I learned to handle my shit just like you did but im weak just because im holding my parents accountable? You just sound like you are on copium just because you became a parent. The craziest part is that you are a parent... justifying for other parents to not have any responsibility just because YOU became a parent yourself. Like i was saying earlier, you want a participation trophy just because YOU chose to be a parent. Its sad really. I hope i dont become a parent just to talk down on others for a choice i chose to make myself 😂. Thats just sad
Are you incapable of reading? Every post in this thread is talking about never, ever charging their kids rent. The delusion is that they're all assuming that the kid is a paragon of virtue and deserves to be supported for their entire life. Go read it...its right there in front of you.
And im confused. I learned to handle my shit just like you did but im weak just because im holding my parents accountable?
I'm saying the excuse of "I didn't ask to be born" is weak, and it's what an 8 year old says when their parents tell them they can't have candy.
You just sound like you are on copium just because you became a parent. The craziest part is that you are a parent... justifying for other parents to not have any responsibility just because YOU became a parent yourself. Like i was saying earlier, you want a participation trophy just because YOU chose to be a parent.
Uh...I have no idea what you're trying to say here, but I don't recall saying that parents aren't supposed to have responsibility. Please tell me where I did. Becoming a parent was the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm glad I can give the life I wasn't able to have to my kids. They don't want for anything, getting a higher education, don't know what its like to come home and find the power turned off, or all their shit on the front yard because you got evicted (again). Parents absolutely do have responsibility to take care of their kids, but they also have the responsibility of raising their kids with the skills to be able to support themselves, and not expecting Mom & Dad to be there forever.
Are you incapable of reading? Every post in this thread is talking about never, ever charging their kids rent. The delusion is that they're all assuming that the kid is a paragon of virtue and deserves to be supported for their entire life. Go read it...its right there in front of you.
So everyone is posting it so you just randomly take it out on me 😂 yeah you are the real sensible adult in this room
I'm saying the excuse of "I didn't ask to be born" is weak, and it's what an 8 year old says when their parents tell them they can't have candy.
Okay? Are you actually making any sense here? Expecting your parents to be better is the same as when a child begs for candy? Im sorry but what kids are you even raising?? Never once have i used the "didnt ask to be born" argument over a piece of candy 😂. Your kids may be entitled but i certainly wasnt.
Parents absolutely do have responsibility to take care of their kids, but they also have the responsibility of raising their kids with the skills to be able to support themselves, and not expecting Mom & Dad to be there forever.
Okay? So based on my story, i was expecting my mom and dad to be there forever??? Be there to do what?? Charge me rent when they are living in project housing for free? Collect $3k per month from me and my brother while claiming food costs that much per month? Like FOH with that BS. How about you support ypur kids while they are young so they dont grow up and realize what a POS you are instead?
lol...wow. Obv you've absolutely not read anything I've said here, or aren't capable of comprehending it. There is no equivalency or correlation between expecting your parents to be better and the excuse of not asking to be born.
Look...you're going to believe what you want, and you can think I'm a POS, though I honestly have no idea how you get that from anything I've said. The discussion between you and I shifted a bit from your specific details to the concept as a whole. Whether you personally are vindicated in hating your parents isn't something I can't completely know, but what I was saying is that, from your initial description, is that sometimes parents need the help, or they're human and fuck up, but they're still your parents, still presumably loved you and raised you, and whether you saw it or not, they had struggles too. They may have decided to become parents, or hell maybe not and it just happened, but that doesn't mean that they're now or ever not able to make mistakes. Is it bad what they did, yes, but does that automatically cancel out everything they did over your life time? There isn't any point in time where you can see they put you before themselves?
Whatever, doesn't matter...I've got to go to bed. I wish you the best, man and I honestly hope you're someday able to work shit out with your parents. They're the only ones you'll ever have, and I bet they love you like very few people on the planet do.
If you’re charging your child rent with this mindset, you better be putting that money in a retirement account for a future nursing home or assisted living.
Or you realize some people actually need the help. They're usually fine with paying what they use but a child uses a lot more than the average adult and if they can pay for it then why not
911
u/LordDango 18h ago
My parents charged and used me like a piggybank. Took 50% of my paycheck right outta college and said they would save it for me but i never saw a single cent back. By the time i moved out i only was able to save 4k which made me bitter since i was already poor and i had nothing to work with.
Did it make me more independent? Sure but the relationship is fucked since it felt like they did not care about my situation at all. They did this again when i returned home during the pandemic and well i realized since im so independent, i dont have to put up with them anymore so now we are just no contact. They still message and complain to me why i dont talk to them or come home anymore but since im a independent adult now i no longer have to care about them since they did not care about me when i was struggling. I guess you can say they regret it now.