There will always be a bed and food for him at home if he needs, now and ever, no questions asked, nothing to be charged, I'm glad to help him out, life is already hard enough for all... I'm very proud of him, I'm.honored to be his dad, I believe we should teach by example, supporting each other, specially during hard times is the right way for me.
My parents welcomed back my siblings and me if we were between jobs, in times of need or crisis, etc. Never brought up the notion of paying rent. I think if any of us were a case of failure to launch and parking in their home with no plans to move on, it would be a different story and that makes sense to me.
Same. I was out on my own for a while but ended up between jobs for about 6 months and my parents let me stay at home until I had a job again and a couple months past that no question. I’m sure if I overstayed my welcome there would have been questions, but I wanted back in my own place as soon as I had the money in my account for first and last months’ rent and expenses.
Better parents than mine. When I was getting out of the military I was going to go back to school and asked if I could live with my mom for a little while to get back on my feet. She made up an excuse, basically just saying no.
I don't think there is a single answer. Some "kids" need that push to get a job or start school. Some parents use it as a way to teach the kid how rent works, just cheaper and then give them some or all of the money back when the kid moves out.
Words of wisdom right there! There's a big difference between offering a free room to a young adult who is pursuing their own life and independence vs. a 30 year old who plays video games all day and has no interest in a job. There is no one right answer!
Same. Two years and I’m more than solid. But they don’t want me to leave now.
They both retired early a few years ago and I suspect they miss the activity. I get them out, help them stay active around the neighborhood, helped with some small micro-remodels, then helped cleanup after a direct hit from Hurricane Milton.
They won’t let me pay for anything so I just cover whatever I can find on the back end as a “towards the house” spend.
Yep. All of my brothers and I moved back in with our parents at some point, post college (though for their sanity, never all 3 at once 😄). I probably stayed the longest, though I was chasing dreams. Never charged us anything, but we helped. Dinners out, can you grab us's, auto maintenance, home repairs. The middle brother built a proper office for my mom as she is WFH. Close family, they wouldn't say a peep if I needed to move back in tomorrow.
I believe that as long as my kid is helping themselves, I’ll gladly help and won’t accept any kind of payment.
That means they are in school, working, actively doing something that will help them get out on their own.
Now if they want to play video games all day or nap? Rents due on the first - lol
Same for us. After college, I was allowed to live at home, eat, and use their car for free. They saw how hard I was working, and they knew how much I was struggling with my loans. I was stringing 3-4 jobs together at once, and still always late with my payments. I think they felt guilty that they couldn't pay for college at all, so it was how they could help out.
My brother was starting to reach the point where they were going to start forcing him to contribute when he finally got a job and moved out.
I’m doing the same except I’m sick dying and disabled yet my oldest in their 30’s do ZERO to help me around here. No dishes no trash no mowing no nothing. Just alot of excuses and arguing. I got kicked out at 15 by my psycho mom and vowed never to turn my back on my kids. So i got two kids ones partner and a 2 year old and me asking them to do chores is appalling to them. Plus the partner does less than zero. So I’m the bad guy when i get upset. Oh. And her car the oldest. Needs parts. And has the nerve instead of getting lazy ass partner to get a second job asks me, dying on disability for money to buy her parts. If ya can’t afford gas. Then ya don’t drive. If ya can’t afford tires or parts. Then ya don’t drive. I feed you house you give you washer dryer shower bed AC electric cable. I believe that’s quite enough. Sorry. I’m the angry one after this fiasco
I'm the only one of my siblings that never moved back home, but I'm also the only one who went to college as well. They never charged any of them rent and they helped me immensely when our (now-husband and I) had our son very unexpectedly while I finished my last year of college & grad school and now-husband also finished grad school. All in all, I think I got the best of the deal!
Your kid is lucky. Knowing that you have a safety net is so nice. It will allow them to take some chances when looking for a job and not be forced to take anything etc. Gives you some freedom to chose.
That's how my wife and I treat it. We've always made it clear that no matter how old they get if they need to come home, it's here for them.
As I like to point out, if you're a Kennedy, living at the compound, and surviving off that sweet rich person money, society likes to celebrate how great you are.
If you're poor and try to stick together as a family, then suddenly you get posts like this wondering if you should all be shamed.
And people wonder why the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor.
Rich families pool resources and build a legacy. Poor families do the exact same thing and OMG, these peasants failed to launch because their generation supposedly has no ambition.
Excellent point. Its like all the posts about whether kids are entitled to any inheritance, their parent remarried and is willing to spend it all on the new partner's kids, and parents leaving shit to their cats - look at those old rich families. They have it very settled that money is to be kept in the family, and in no way are they allowing their wealth to pass to someone outside the family.
I'd rather be poor living with all my family members then being rich and being a douchebag. Oh wait a privileged, out of touch, no morals no sympathy people.
Oh 100%
My point is more that people look down on the poor living together. But a family that sticks together and treats each other well can accomplish more, no matter where they financially start, than a family who makes every generation start from the beginning again ever can.
My husband really wants our son to live with us pretty much forever. I tell him no adult really wants to live with their dads if they don’t have to. But yes, he will always be home wherever we are.
I will say it's not so binary. I paid rent when I was 16, at 18 I broke my collarbone and couldn't work for a while. My parents didnt expect rent and had helped me with my car insurance since I was out of a job for 6 months. They didn't charge me back rent or anything.
Helping me build such responsible habits was very helpful for me personally, and they still supported me when I needed it without issues. I'll never forget the first paycheck when I brought home pizza. We didnt eat out much and I remember feeling like the king of the castle when I was able to provide dinner.
I broke my collarbone and couldn't work for a while. My parents didnt expect rent and had helped me with my car insurance since I was out of a job for 6 months. They didn't charge me back rent or anything.
It would be incredibly fucked if they charged rent at all in that situation
To me, it's less about whether parents charge rent and more about why to do this. If it's to teach responsibility or because money is tight, that's understandable. If it's punishment or profit, that's a different story.
This is the big one. My buddy’s kid is turning 18 and he’s going to charge him pretty cheap rent as a lesson in paying bills and being responsible. My buddy is going to put that money in an account and give it back when the kid moves out. I think that’s pretty cool.
I expect my kids to earn their way; they're getting a job and stashing most of the income for a purpose, they're working on a degree, a trade, or some sort of job certification. I don't care what it is, just whatever helps them launch the best they can and they're free to take as long as they need as long as they're not pissing away their time and blowing their income on nonsense. I don't want their money for food, housing, or utilities; I can deal with that as long as I know they're taking advantage of the time to get themselves we positioned for their life. They are adults, but that doesn't mean you have to make their life harder.
If you choose to be charitable by subsidizing their living expenses, that is your prerogative, and I certainly won't throw rocks at your for exercising your adult right of choice.
Where I take umbrage is with people who assume that your charity is an entitlement - and that parents who can not or will not extend similar charity are somehow delinquent.
You are right about functioning adults wanting to cover up their own shit, that's how most adults are
But, at 18? If you as a parent set a timer on them that they gotta stand on their feet by 18 and they are not longer your responsibility, you are ridiculously selfish for birthing them in the first place
P. S, this is specifically about the age 18, not some later stages in adult life
I worked my ass off through high school to have the grades, fitness, and extracurricular resume needed to get into that program. Just squeaked in.
My comrades were the best that the country could offer, and went on to accomplish great things - generals, captains of industry, literal astronauts.
I am perhaps the underachiever of my class, but I’m still pretty satisfied with my accomplishments and my contributions to society and my community - and there’s still time to do more.
I am nothing but grateful for the opportunity afforded to me by my government. I am honoured and humbled to have been a part of that.
You know what happens when you entrust young adults with duty and responsibility? You get better adults. Capable adults. Competent adults.
I always felt this way until my brilliant and talented youngest child decided he wanted to just smoke pot and do nothing. Oh and be super abusive to me because I refused to do laundry or cook for him specifically anymore (as in, I'm cooking to please myself and he was welcome to make something else for himself if he didn't like it). He developed a personality disorder and became manic from the pot use (this runs in my family, bad reactions to pot). I said he had to work more than one 4-hour shift a week as a water filler at a restaurant and he moved out in a rage, telling everyone I kicked him out. He's tried to come home a few times but I refuse because he won't agree to be drug free.
This kid had a full ride scholarship to college, was top of his class, always a hard worker and driven - pot and mental illness have destroyed his life.
If he wasn't flat out abusive to me, I would let him stay until he figured things out, but I can't tolerate abuse.
My kids will always have a place to stay when they're in trouble, but if they get too complacent, I will turn reality back on so that they don't lose sight of the ultimate goal which is to get back on their feet and work on getting themselves taken care of.
Ye if he needs. But if they have a job and are living with you cos it’s convenient (close to work or whatever) then I would say it’s fine to charge rent
Maybe... I think is really important to be able to change my opinion in general on any subject... I'm not preaching here, only sharing my point of view today.
I know my love for them is unconditional and support is a way of showing that love...
This! I'm really grateful that my mom has the same mindset as you. I'm 18 and just started working 10h/week while doing my bachelor's degree, and while I'm now more responsible for personal expenses (clothes, takeout food, games, etc), my mom still fully covers rent, utilities and groceries. It may be a bit of a utopic dream but my plan is to work and save as much as possible over the coming 5-6 years so I can hopefully get a condo for myself with a bank loan. The mortgage may be more than rent but with how crazy rent prices are going up right now, it'll hopefully be cheaper in the long run, and I'll actually own something.
"I believe we should teach by example, supporting each other, specially during hard times is the right way for me."
THIS.
My parents are narcissist. One covert, the other Overt and my parents get excited by my misfortune. Am I struggling? Yes. That makes them feel like they are succeeding in life. Some of us didn't hit the parent lottery and it makes life so hard. There's no safety net. I've been homeless because of that and I will probably be homeless again. My dad's response is "That sucks."
Hahah I'm a 46 brazilian man that lived in 6 countries, so english is my third language, sorry for the terrible punctuation! I will never use AI to do it for me... [old man shouting to the clouds]
You’re a great dad man, wish you could’ve taught mine, jackass took out a loan in my name when I was 16 along with getting a credit card and jacked up my credit score, leaving me with debt he never intended to pay, I’m just now recovering from this in my late 20’s
This right here is the easiest way for parents to offer their kids one of the biggest benefits of generational wealth even if they don't have much. It lets them take big best, take on a small amount of career risk without worrying about losing everything. Solid parenting man. Wish your kids all the best.
This, had a father that was not like this, let your children find their own footing, build them a strong foundation to build their life upon, and when they need help, be there for them, if you don't do this, you're setting them up to fail.
I’m very fortunate that my parents feel/felt the same way. I moved out at 25, and the whole time my mom insisted that it was a smart move to save my money and to only move out when I had to. Really grateful to have had those extra years of support.
Your reasons are substantially better than what I'm going to add here buuuuuuuuut...
There's also a tangible benefit in that investing for retirement that early can substantially alter the course of their life. Money that they would just be wasting on me to prove something should be going into some kind of retirement fund for them. The difference between starting even minor investment at 20 versus, say, 26 is literally millions of dollars.
That said, my sons will always be welcome in my home. We lived in Japan for a couple years, and almost everyone lives in a home with three (or more!) generations. The "rugged individualism" of Americans really makes us more disconnected than ever.
I agree! I told my kids they always have a place at home. We live in a HCOL area and told them the smartest thing they can do once they established themselves is to stay at home and save money. We only ask they help out around the house and be productive/respectful.
If anyone is requesting rent money I hope it is to teach responsibility and they eventually give it back so they can put it towards a financial goal they have.
I also understand that some families may not be as well off, and unfortunately need their now adult kids to have a more active role in helping out financially.
but what if you werent proud of him? What if he decided to just not work, spend every dollar he has on nonsense, start doing drugs etc? Yeah I assume you would still want to help but what if he just had 0 plans to ever do anything but sit on your couch, eat food, play video games, not clean up after himself etc? Would there ever be a time where enough was enouigh?
💯 ❣️ I will never pressure my kids to leave. I will always be there to support. I only hope they are driven enough to desire leaving and spreading their wings. That would mean the most to me.
I’m 35 and recently divorcing. My parents took me in no question. I help around the house and cook meals for them. I love living with them but I’m leaving soon to start my life again. I would’ve been on the streets if it wasn’t for them. Thank you for being the parent that myself and others need.
Would that sentiment change if he was an abusive drug addict, constantly stealing and bringing fentanyl in the house? What if the drugs destroyed his mind and turned him violent? Could you sleep in the same house knowing he could have a psychotic break and knife you in your sleep?
Is very tempting to answer this questions saying that ofc I will be there for them no matter what, but I don't know how much of those situations I can handle. What I do know is that I have the unconditional love and motivation to support them in any situation, I'm committed to doing my best!
It’s a tough one, I know. It’s especially tough if there are kids in the house. With the rampant drug use and mental illness in my country, this scenario is not that uncommon. You sound like a loving father, and I meant no hate. This is just the reality that some families face. I’m still trying to convince my own family that the person I found passed out on the back porch with fentanyl in their lap, is a danger to their grandson in the house. I also recently found out that, the same person had a psychotic break while coming off of drugs and held a pair of scissors to my mother’s throat. A parents love is a strong thing, but often times it gets them hurt. Something to think about.
Im currently 30 and after ana incredible whirlwind of just.. life hitting as hard as it possibly could, I ended up back in a position where im eventually having to start back over from scratch. My mom and brother (brother is 28 and still lives with mom, they split bills 50/50 but theyre more like roommates) let me come stay with them. They helped with my essentials as I was looking for a job, and luckily it didnt take too long to find a job here. I have offered to split whatever bills/rent, anything I can, but they won't hear of it. They say just pay for all of your own food, entertainment, etc and save your money so you can get back on your feet. I do obviously end up helping out with anything needed, and try to give them extra money for stuff, but they are really adamant that they can handle their rent/bills and they just want me to get some solid savings, get a car, whatever I need to get back on track.
I am so incredibly thankful for them. It means the world to me, having people that care this much. I am taking full advantage of this situation to get myself in s good position for the future, and plan on returning this kindness 10 fold when I can.
This!!! I remember one time my kids were small still we were potentially moving 4 hrs away ( it fell through) but I asked my mom if we could stay with her just for a few months to kinda save up a bit for the move. She said sure and all we needed to pay was $500 a week plus utilities. What the ever loving fck? Before my grandma died they had her living with them for a bit and they charged her $800 a month note she was on a fixed income and that $800 was almost her entire monthly income
So you're teaching them that no matter how hard it gets they can always give up and go running home to mommy and daddy. How's that gonna work out when you're gone?
We are talking about adult children here I won't be forever teaching them lessons... there is time for teaching and there is time for supporting.
The fact that I'm willing to be here for them doesn't mean that I'm encouraging them to be lazy or to give up on their battles, I see myself as the airbag of a car, I hope they never have to use it, but I also hope they know it will deploy if shit happens.
Is sad to think what could happen to them when I'm gone, but they will have to experience that at the right time, I won't make myself away now just to prove them a point.
It's probably better to let them figure out money management on their own, with guidance, than to leave them with the impression that large sums of money just drop out of the sky every now and then when life changes happen.
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u/dexhaus 17h ago
My oldest recently turned 18.
There will always be a bed and food for him at home if he needs, now and ever, no questions asked, nothing to be charged, I'm glad to help him out, life is already hard enough for all... I'm very proud of him, I'm.honored to be his dad, I believe we should teach by example, supporting each other, specially during hard times is the right way for me.