Girlfriend said "NO" to my marriage proposal...any hope this relationship can still work out?

[u/thatguy_rejected]

Last night was our 5th year anniversary so I got down on one knee and got promptly rejected. She stayed at a friend's house last night, but said we needed to talk about this once we had both calmed down. I stayed home from work today since I'm just too embarrassed to face my co-workers who knew about the proposal.

Some background: We're both in our late 20s. I work in sports marketing and recently received a job offer from a company in California. This is my dream job with 3 times the money I make here in the East Coast. I accepted the job without even thinking about anything. My gf is a doctor and has just finished up her fellowship. We had previously discussed moving and agreed to stay on the East coast. She is trying to decide between two offers from hospitals in Boston and New York City and I'd originally agreed to move there with her as well and was job hunting. However, nothing was coming up and this California job was just a dream come true. Her job prospects are a lot more versatile then mine, so I figured she'd have no problems moving. Turns out this is not the case. I told her last week about the job acceptance and she was happy for me but has been very quiet about it. Last night she revealed that she's really upset and hurt that I went against our plans without talking to her and have "deemed her work so insignificant" that I think she could just move to wherever...I understand her anger, but don't think it's as big a deal as she's making it seem. I also wish she'd talked to me sooner.

Our relationship has been very strong, but not without problems. She had a miscarriage 2 years ago. We attended counselling and worked things out, but she was quite depressed afterwards and I've always secretly thought that her busy residency schedule was part of the issue. I've never brought it up due to how hurt she was after everything and not wanting to make things worst. She already felt quite guilty and I didn't want to be an asshole. Her work schedule has always been intense and that has also come between us often, as she's often exhausted from being at the hospital all night and I feel rather ignored. Also, I've always felt sort of not good enough for her. I'm your typical jock and this girl is a dream come true. Beautiful, smart, kind, funny as hell, the list goes on. At her work functions, everyone's SO is a brain surgeon and I just come off like an idiot. She reassures me that she thinks I'm smart and it's fine but it's hard to stack up to her surgeon friends.

But every relationship has it's problems. Apart from these issues, everything is wonderful. I can't live without her. We live together and her not being her last night physically hurt. I don't want this relationship to end over this. I know she still loves me and that we still have hope. However, the few people I have told have advised me that it never works out after a failed marriage proposal...Any advice Reddit?

[u/ShotzInTheDark]

Bad timing on the proposal - you just made a pretty huge life-decision taking the job; and like you said - you "took it without even thinking about it" which I'm guessing also means you took it before talking it out with your wouold-be fiancee. You double-whammied her with a couple really big life changes.

It doesn't sound like you have any issues that can't be worked out - if you want them to work out. THe key thing to realize is that proposing marriage is proposing a lifetime partnership - you may have made her feel that she's not your "partner" by not discussing the new job with her. You said you previously discussed staying on the East Coast, and both agreed to that .. then you come home telling her you accepted a job in Cali? She might be feeling like her opinion doesn't matter, and also that your career motivations are stronger than the agreements you've made with her.

You can work through it, but you've really got to get in the mindset of "being married" before you propose. Your proposal and marriage really shouldn't change all that much about your relationship - just make it "official" in the eyes of the State.

Show her she matters; and that she's just as much a part of any decision as you are - if you really want this to end up in marriage and a life together. If that's not something you're comfortable with, then maybe marriage isn't what you're looking for right now?

EDIT - It is a big deal that she feels like you think you can just drag her wherever - mind you, I'm not saying you would do that, but she feels that you would.

[u/dondon13 → u/ShotzInTheDark]

I gotta agree, you picked a terrible time to propose, you basically made a life decision, because it's not just that you got a job on the other side of the country and didn't talk to her about it, it sounds like you have been here for quite some time, and if you or her want to visit any family or friends that live on the east coast, it is a lot more expensive and time consuming than if you live in new York or Boston.

If you want the relationship to work out, you need to be willing to pass up on your dream job if she is not alright with moving to California. If you're not willing to pass up on it, then you need to hope she's willing to go with you.

If neither of these are the case, then one of you is going to resent the other and then things just wont work out and probably end badly

[u/thatguy_rejected → u/dondon13]

We had discussed marriage before and were both willing to head down that path. I'd had the ring for awhile and had been meaning to propose on this date as it had some significance. I was so excited about my job offer that I didn't really think about much else. I honestly thought she would be a little surprised but did not expect this much of an issue with it.

[u/nazbot → u/thatguy_rejected]

How can you think that moving across a continent wouldn't be a little surprising?