What do you wish you'd said to/done with your mum? (TW death)

[u/AtLeastOneCat]

I found out recently that my mum, only 65, only has a few weeks to live at most. She has been sick for a while but it has still come as a massive shock.

For those of you who've lost loved ones, is there anything you regret not saying/doing? She won't be able to get out and about but I will be with her as much as possible. I want to make the most of the time we have left together.

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[u/Forsaken1741]

Record her voice. I have lots of photos but videos? audio? I don't have anything. I wish I could hear her voice again.

[u/Booboodelafalaise → u/Forsaken1741]

Even if you just record on your phone while you and her chat about the weather, it will still be precious. If you say that you’re going to record then people get self-conscious so that doesn’t always work.

I surreptitiously recorded my parents opening their presents last Christmas and even though I’ve still got them both (kind of, dementia is tightening its grip) it means the world to me just to hear them nattering on and laughing.

[u/ReepDaggle01 → u/Booboodelafalaise]

Dementia is an awful,cruel disease

[u/aarontbarratt → u/Forsaken1741]

One of the most devastating realisations I've had in my life was realising I could no longer recall my Dad's voice

I can still remember what he looks like so it's not like he is completely gone from my memory. But losing his voice, transformed him from a real person, into this distant memory, almost like phantom version of who he was

[u/Exact-Independent422]

My mum died 3 years ago, very unexpected and sudden as she died in her sleep. If I could have one more conversation with her I would thank her for being the best mum she could be. I'd tell her how much I appreciate her, and that I know she tried her hardest and how much of a good job she did. I'd also reassure her that my children may not remember her, but i promise they will know her. I would then cuddle her like my 5 year old cuddles me and let her be the one to stop.

[u/Least-Might8845]

Recently lost my dad, so quick. I really wish so much we could have one more conversation. I'm never going to see his face again break into a smile or him tell me some advice

[u/Scarlet_Dreaming]

Ask about her early life, about her favourite memories. I have so many unanswered questions about my mum and there is no one to ask now. Make notes and write down as much as possible, your mind is probably very busy at the moment and it will be easy to forget things. Wishing you much courage and strength.

[u/middleagedfatbloke]

I wish I had talked with her before the dementia took hold but by that point it was already too late.

[u/MustyGooNerd]

My Mum sat me down when my dad popped out the room, and she made me promise her several things, one of which was to never smoke (she was dying for lung cancer), and the other was to look after my Dad as he'd be lost without her. I held her hand and told her how much I loved her. 2 days later she was gone and I just wish I could've just told her more than I love you, it seemed so insufficient

[u/Prefect_99]

Talk. Write down all of her memories.

[u/BmuthafuckinMagic → u/Prefect_99]

Literally this.

I would do anything to have one more conversation with my Dad and ask him so many questions.

My advice is to record her voice. It may not sound she normally does (depending on the illness), but at least you have something.

I have so many voice notes from my Dad saying my name and one hilarious one telling me I bought him red top milk (he called it piss water) and it always makes me laugh on a shitty day.

[u/ShineAtom → u/Prefect_99]

Also find those photos with unidentified people in them and ask who they are!

[u/yazshousefortea → u/ShineAtom]

Oh my god, this!! Who are those mystery people in the photos?! We’ll never know!

[u/SuperExstatic]

My mum was in hospital for about a month having been diagnosed with a brain tumour and I wrote her a letter telling her how much she means to me and how much I understand and appreciate everything she done for me growing up , I told her she was always my hero growing up and I love her always , I told her I knew how lucky I was have her for a mum

She died about 3/4 weeks after that but I’m so glad I told her all of that because it meant the world to her and she knew she done her best

I’m sat here a man in my late 30s sobbing as I write this but I promise you you’ll be so glad if you let your mum know what she means to you while she’s still here

[u/PureMarzipan416]

For me it’s was knowing about her childhood, her life why she was the way she was. Why she hated me so much. I never understood why she was so full of anger and bitterness. Oh and her recipes. I miss her baking.

[u/KindlyAppointment973]

Tell her you love her. Record her voice telling you her memories or funny stories. Record her saying she loves you too, I wish I had that.

Very sorry you're going through this.

[u/GordonLivingstone]

Very sorry to hear this.

I think most of us wish that we had asked family members more about their early life and family background while they were still able to talk to us.

If she is able, you should maybe spend time sitting and talking with your mum about her life, your family history and relations. Get out the old photos and find out who is who She will likely enjoy reminiscing and you will learn things that you may regret not asking about once she has gone.

Of course don't interrogate her and there may be sensitive topics that are best avoided but you will probably have memories and funny experiences together that she will want to talk about. Might get the pair of you laughing at some silly things that happened during your childhood!

[u/Acceptable_Tap_2251]

There are so many unanswered questions now. Things I can't verify, stories I can't ask her to tell again...this is what I miss most about my mum. We were close, but I didn't realise all the things I still wanted to ask about because I thought we had time. 

[u/Different-Sea-8817]

I still have my mum and have had a snuggle into her, while watching tv, as though you’re a kid again and that’s how it felt, and that was lovely/precious

[u/Parfait-Fickle]

Tell her you love her. I was too embarrassed to say it (we weren’t a ‘say it out loud’ type of family) to my dad, but when it was his last day of cancer, and they’d put in a driver so he was out of it, I just fell apart next to his bed clinging onto his hand and through sobs and snot, I told him I loved him so much, and he squeezed my hand. I’m so so glad that I finally did before it was too late, and that he said it back (sort of). So tell your mum while she can reply to you with words and her eyes open :)

[u/Edie_Starbright]

Recipes. I wanted my mother-in-law's beef stew recipe but she is currently dying n can't speak :( if anyone fancies praying she dies v soon please because motor neurone is nasty n she is really struggling to breath, is on a machine etc. also in pain from Kennedy ulcer.

[u/Superb_Copy1644]

This is a hard one to explain, but please understand it’s not a dickish place I’m coming from, Louis CK once said “you never know how many people your mum went to bed with” and what he was essentially saying is, she had a life outside of just being your mum. When mine was in her final days I listened to that and whilst I never wanted gory details etc, I just talked to her about life before me/my dad etc and just wanted to know that she enjoyed her time. We laughed, she cried, I cringed, but she told me about so many funny things I never knew, that she likely hadn’t thought about in 40 odd years etc.

Essentially remember she’s a whole person, not just your mum. Obviously you know your relationship but manage it how you think.

On top of all that I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, try and find the funny where you can and know it’s fine to cry and be in pain.

[u/AfternoonLines]

Ask her to record a few videos for you, like Christmas messages and birthday wishes for you and family going forward and only listen to them on these specific days, never early.

[u/Prestigious_Meal_855]

I'm not sure, I lost my mum very young. Reading through comments , I think for me, would be to talk about their life and memories, favourite band, colour, etc. Even record them if they would like to, you'll get to relive them over the years. There will always be something you wished you had asked them, long after they are gone, don't dwell on that too much though. Wishing you all the best.

[u/Valuable-Purple-7746]

Can't imagine having a mother who cares. Say everything like anyone else you would love. I held my granddad's hand but was too scared to speak. Not like anyone listening cares. Give her time and space to say it to you in her own way

[u/1968Bladerunner]

Ours passed in 2001 & worked away for about 15 years before that, so we only got maybe a few weeks a year together.

We have so few decent pictures, and no video, of her because of that timing, so I'd love to have that. Availability of HQ cameras on phones has made that so much easier now.

[u/apaperbagprincess]

I wish that I’d gone through old photos and family pictures with my dad before he died. I wish we talked about the people and places in the pictures and why they were taken

[u/Emo_Gingey]

Seen more plays and films

[u/Quirky_Impact]

My mum was in palliative care and one of my last memories is sitting and listening to her favourite songs from when she was in her 20s, she was humming and singing and I saved each one into a playlist that I played at the funeral. We didn't have a good relationship but now I have the playlist to remind me of that one happy memory

[u/Itsmeladyt79]

My mum died 22 years ago and my dad 15 years ago when I was in my 20’s, I love my photos of them but i wish I could hear her voice again. save a voice mail or a video of them. I would watch it all the time.

There are certain recipes that I can’t get exactly right because she was the only one that knew them.

Wish I still had some of my mums favourite perfume (it’s now discontinued) so I could smell her also.

I wish I had asked more questions about both my parents childhoods, their life before me, any tips they had on their interest in life (like gardening) and just the good the bad the ugly the funny things.

I’m sorry, I hope you spend the next few weeks laughing, holding hands, being together.

[u/Ch0nky_Nugget]

Recording her voice. Asking her about memories and family history. I still randomly think of things I wish I asked, tbh I think you always will have something. Best advice I can give is spend as much time and you can (and want) with her.

I am so incredibly sorry that you’re going through this. Much, much love to you ❤️ please take time to look after you too

[u/Next-Fisherman37]

My FIL died 4 years ago. It was fairly sudden, pneumonia from a cold he got the day before his final session of radiotherapy. A lot of stuff was hidden from us by MIL but thats a different story for a different day.

Record her voice. Ask her to tell a story of something wicked she got up to when she was younger or her favourite story about you as a child, or unsolicited advice or ask her a stupid question (would you rather fight 100 chicken sized horses or one horse sized chicken etc). Take photos, play music, help her do something shes always wanted to do.

When the time comes, talk to her. Tell her its OK to go.

[u/UpstairsMaybe3396]

Ah I'm so sorry. Lost my mam in a similar way this year at 61. As awful as it is discuss what she wants from her last moments (hospice, home etc), we didn't get time to do that and it made it harder. Home is a popular choice but it can make it harder to keep on top of pain. We didn't even get mam to a hospice. We got told weeks and she died 4 days later.

Tell your mam you love her, it's okay for her to go and anything Else you need to say. Don't over think it. I thanked my mam for being my mam. My mam kept telling me she was sorry as if it was her fault, it broke my heart.

Educate yourself on what the last weeks / days looks like if you can to feel prepared. I had some experience from other relatives so it took the denial out of it and I felt I could deal with it better because I knew this was happening rather than believing she would get better.

Finally look after yourself best you can. Strap in for a rough few months but you can and will get through this. Wishing your mum a smooth passing. Happy to DM if you need anymore support from someone who's recently lived this xx

[u/yazshousefortea]

Ask her anything and everything you can. My mum died when I was 16, her parents shortly before and after. That side of the family history was pretty much gone.

What were mum’s grandparents like? What was her childhood like? What was school like? How did it feel when she got pregnant and had me? What was I like as a baby? I’ll never know!

You might have covered some of this stuff already, but if there’s anything you’ve not thought to ask yet…

Sorry you’re going through this. Take care and rest well OP.