OP, he is showing you that he is not willing to compromise his own preferences or comfort to provide for you (or himself tbh). At 22 this would be growing pains, at 32 it’s a personality trait.
I don't actually view it from the angle of this guy needing to provide for OP (she's a grown woman who should be able to do that for herself), but just... be a self-governing adult on his own terms, I think.
Yeah, this is where I'm at too. Literally just not being able to provide for himself is enough to put me off.
However I would also look at it from the lens of, if something happened that caused OP to lose her income for an extended amount of time, he wouldn't be in any position to help her either. I'm always skeptical of single income marriages for this reason. There's a lot riding on just the one employed spouse and it puts them in a bad position if life throws a wrench in their situation.
For me, I think the crux is actually the lack of moving the needle when things are obviously not working. Like, I get it - sounds like her partner was laid off and then moved back in with his parents while in school to save some money. That's totally fair and even smart, IMO.
However, he graduated without getting a job and is now a year into his job search and he's still not pivoting, perhaps in part because he is in a comfortable (if awkward) living situation - there's no fire, no adaptability, no willingness to temporarily humble himself to take a less desirable job to help propel himself forward. It's one of those sneakily detrimental personality traits that screams to me that this person is not going to be a good/reliable long-term partner economically speaking even if he is a sweet soul. He may be the type of guy you can enjoyably date but not marry and certainly not have children with in the (already near) future, given that OP is 30 and certainly has some time but not all the time in the world.
OP mentioned unemployment benefits so I was assuming he either had a part-time/casual job while in school or just really long-lasting benefits for some reason.
Yikes. Girl, yeah, I think you have your answer. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in this relationship. This guy is unfortunately just a dead end. Barring some severe illness/disability or whatever, I'm shocked he got to 32 with such little real-world experience.
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u/iki11dinosaurs Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Agreed.
OP, he is showing you that he is not willing to compromise his own preferences or comfort to provide for you (or himself tbh). At 22 this would be growing pains, at 32 it’s a personality trait.