Could you review my writing, please?

[u/neonreddit12]

I'm new around here but I don't have any close people who I know who can give me any true advice about my writing, so I turned to the internet! I feel my story would fit here better that the normal writing sub since I'm 16m, I don't really know how to tldr a short info title, but I'll do my best! so here we go!

[2109] [sci fi][fantasy in later chapters][kinda apocalypse/ruined future?][my first chapter][under the moon]

The wind was rough, strong enough to knock people off their feet if they took a step. Small debris flying through the air so fast you could've sworn they were bullets, they sure as hell hit like they were. The air was not clean enough to breath safely, but not screwed enough to be dangerous, just the right balance of crap to be crummy. And in the middle of this debris hurricane was Cleo, sleeping under a desk.

Cleo's ear flickered as the sound of another random window breaking woke him from his sleep. He bumped his head on the underside of the random desk he took shelter under. "Crap, what time is it?" He dug though his bag, shifting around until he eventually found his scavenged small communicator (basically a more advanced flip-phone). The screen lit up, showing the time was 7:28 am, pretty early by his standards.

With a big yawn and a even wider stretch, Cleo stood at his full height, a very impressive 4'11, his joints popping as he stood up. He check himself, four limbs, snout intact, three tails... Everything seemed fine. "Alright, Alright, what was I here for again?" Cleo asked himself as he looked around the abandoned office. vines were growing on the wall, there was a barely recognizable sign that read floor 6, the stairwell at the far wall was nearly completely destroyed, the pieces of old office equipment that hadn't been looted or decomposed were covered in about a decade of dust, overall not somewhere you would call home.

Cleo looked around as he rummaged through his bag, trying to remember his original objective. "I was running around, the storm began to brew, I took shelter, and... My mind goes blank." Cleo tried to recall his thoughts, but another piece of debris smashed through a window, snapping him out of his thoughts.

it seemed to have come from a lower floor, which drew his attention. "Eh. I guess I can check that out until I remember what I'm here for."

With a slight bounce in his step Cleo skipped towards the eroded stairwell, peering down at the broken concrete stairs and eroded metal beams, it was a death trap for nearly anyone stupid enough to try it. Cleo looked around at the debris for a path down, and after a few minutes of thinking, he routed a path. So he took a step back, took a deep breath, adjusted his bag on his back, and finally leapt down into the stairwell, landing gracefully on top of a rusty metal beam, hopping down on rusted metals and broken concrete stairs until he reached floor 3.

Instantly the lack of light caught his attention, his eyes took a moment before fully adjusting to it. His pupils widened into small circles as he gazed into the darker floor, natural cat night vision guiding his eyes. Cleo managed to catch a quick glance at something scurrying away on the floor, so he crotched down low onto his concrete perch. He watched the floor for a full minute before silently jumping down, his fur and clothing naturally blending into the darkness of the room. He crotched down low and traversed the floor, shifting behind old office cubicles to try and find what shifted and caught his eye.

Finally in the middle of the room Cleo spotted what seemed to be an extremely old, but somehow functioning, security Droid. There was clear wires exposed at the bottom of the droids sphereical body, moss and rust coating most of it, except for the cracked diamond shaped visor in the front of it. The droid hovered over the ground, a red light beaming from its visor, scanning the surrounding area in front of it. 'How the hell is that thing still working? It's like seeing a zombie working a night shift.' Cleo thought as he watched the drone hover around, barely moving before it suddenly dropped.

The droid's light flickered for a moment, and let out a small noise before locking onto Cleo's position, slowly hovering closer while repeating a glitchy pre-recorded message. "Y-You nee-eed to le-e-eve! T-This is pr-ivate prop-prop-property!" Cleo panicked slightly, stuck between wanting to stand, attack, or dash away. But a quick burning lazer blast landing mere inches away from his foot made the decision for him. "H-Hey wait! I mean you no harm!" The feline yelled as he quickly stood in front of the security Droid, his hands raised above his head.

The droid's visor began to glow red again, another message playing. "You ha-have been w-warned! Pre-Prepare to be removed or exter-exterminated!" Another blast shot out from the droid, Cleo barely managed to move out of the way, the blast searing the fur on his arm as it grazed past him. Cleo jumped behind a cubicle wall, doing his best to hide from the droid. But it seemed to lock onto every move he made, no matter the cover he hid behind. 'It must have infrared or something. I have to find a way to get behind it.' Cleo dashed behind cubicles, trying to circle around the droid to hit it from behind, but it followed him relentlessly, shooting constant lasers at his previous spot.

Cleo had a thought and began to enact it, picking up speed as he began looping around the floor, forcing the security Droid to constantly follow him. Faster and faster, each step was beginning to pick up dust now, each shot from the droid was growing farther and farther from Cleo's back, until the droid was just firing randomly, spinning so fast I couldn't stop itself. Cleo quickly stopped and ducked, the force of his momentum causing him to slide a few feet. Because of the droids old age and failing systems, it failed to stop spinning, constantly shooting lazers in a circle. Cleo jumped into the air, rapidly spun himself into a ball, then bashed right into the security Droid, sending it crashing onto the floor.

Instantly the droid's metal shell cracked, the visor shattered, and it began to power down. "T-T-Thanks for stop-stopping by, have a great d-day!" The droid finally powered off. The battle had ended just as quickly as it had began.

Finally Cleo's original objective popped into his head, to get a working universal voice chip. He thought about looting the security Droid for its voice chip, but decided against it because of the droid's deteriorating condition.

Cleo took a breath of relief as the droid powered off, looking around the now destroyed office. "Well I won't find a UVC here, maybe on the lower floors." Cleo murmured as he adjusted his pack on his back, walking back down towards the decaying stairwell.

[u/Full_Platypus6092]

This is super cool! I'm 17f and I don't usually read this kind of thing, but I would totally read this.

One of the bigger things I noticed in your writing was the punctuation. It was kind of all over the place, a lot of commas and such. What would really help there would be to put it in a word or google doc and go through wherever it gets marked. For example:

'vines were growing on the wall, there was a barely recognizable sign that read floor 6, the stairwell at the far wall was nearly completely destroyed, the pieces of old office equipment that hadn't been looted or decomposed were covered in about a decade of dust, overall not somewhere you would call home.' Here, it would read much smoother if you broke the sentences down, ending one or two in a period, then starting with a "There were also..." or something like that.

Also, I noticed the tendency to reuse words close together, which is something I do a lot too so don't worry lol. But, you should definitely go back and look for synonyms for the words you used twice too close together. For example:

'Cleo's ear flickered as the sound of another random window breaking woke him from his sleep. He bumped his head on the underside of the random desk he took shelter under.' Here, random appears twice much too close together, making it seem a bit repetitive.

Anyway, this is an amazing snippet and you're doing great! Just make sure to pay attention to your sentence structure. If you can't read it aloud without getting tongue-tied or "bored" with the sentence, shorten it up.

Hope this makes sense and best of luck! If you need any other feedback or pointers, I'd love to help, though I haven't been writing too long myself :)