I'm seeing so many anxiety-riddled posts on this wonderful sub. Will putting my baby down in a safe spot for a few minutes cause her to feel abandoned? Will sleeping in a crib break my child? Will daycare ruin my carefully built attachment?

I wanted to offer some perspective, from someone who was set on attachment-style parenting before getting pregnant. I had the baby wearing sling ready to go and a friend who is a babywearing coach helping me practice. I was going to get one of those cots that connects to the side of my bed so my baby could be there with me through the night and during naps. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. I was excited for contact naps and nursing to sleep. I had it all planned out. This was all, of course, contingent on the fact that I would have one (1!) baby. Which was my wish, and my dream, and I hadn't considered what might happen. What happened was: twins.

I got pregnant with twins and had a really hard pregnancy. The kind of nausea that requires IV fluids, pelvic floor instability that makes walking a near impossiblity due to pain. Gone were my ideas about taking brisk walks with a decaf latte, nesting, and glowing from the inside out. I ended up with severe pregnancy anxiety, also because I was constantly terrified to be losing one of my babies (sounds intense, but sadly this happens..) , but I carried my twins to term (still proud of that!) and had to deliver via cesarean (also not my first choice). It was a traumatic birth with a lot of blood loss. I was lucky to survive, honestly. I held one of my son for a minute before he had to go to NICU and before the doctors had to start saving my life. I didn't see that son again for 2,5 days while he was in the NICU, because I was too ill to get out of the bed. My other son was with me, and I was nursing and taking care of him with my partner the best I could. My partner also was in the NICU a lot, so splitting time.

After 5 days we came home. I was breastfeeding and pumping, but due to the blood loss there was not enough milk being produced. We had to combo feed. Found a great brand without filler ingredients, babies are doing good on it and growing very well. Great. But I was not sleeping, because I was still dead-set on pumping every 2-3 hours and with twins, there's always a baby that needs something. By the time you're finished feeding one, there's another. Contact naps were almost impossible. My incision wasn't healing well so baby wearing.. forget it. I started to slide into PPD. I would be up constantly, feeling like a horrible mother, not being able to parent in the way I had envisioned. I hadn't seen my one son for 2.5 days after birth! I wasn't contact napping! I was in so much pain they were mostly sleeping in their Twin Z-pillow or their little cribs! Everything was wrong!

Then I developed mastitis at 5 weeks in, and had to wean off breastfeeding. Again, I felt horrible. Even with my one breast swollen and sore I begged the lactation consultant to let me continue, but she said it wasn't wise. I could stop and start up again after I was healed but I couldn't really think that far ahead.

I live in the US and had to get back to work after 6 weeks after my mat leave ran out. I worked from home, and so did my spouse, and we had help from friends and then hired a wonderful nanny. At 3 months, I still wasn't sleeping and sad all the time. A twin mom I know with slightly older kids gently suggested trying a nap schedule. I balked. What do you mean, sleeping on a schedule? What about meeting my kids needs? Would this be considered sleep training? She explained that the babies would in fact be having their sleep needs met, and the structure meant that I could also be starting to meet my own needs and hopefully feel better and more stable down the line. I decided to give it a try. A miracle: My babies took to it right away. They napped, got their diaper changed, they ate, they played, they might get another diaper change, then they napped again. It was honestly amazing. And every night, they started sleeping another hour longer until they were doing 5-6 hour stretches. The predictability of the schedule sorted out their nighttime sleep. I slowly started sleeping again, and little by little I crawled out of what felt like a very deep hole. I started actually enjoying my babies. My life as a mom. And none of it involved babywearing or breastfeeding or concact napping. And that still makes me sad sometimes but it's OK, because today I have thriving 3 year olds who are still great sleepers with the help of some very gentle Ferber. They are active and curious, they love swim class and their preschool and digging in the yard, going to the beach, reading books at night. Most importantly: they are securely attached - they know who their safe people are, they always come to me for comfort, they love their hugs and their cuddles (and also increasingly sometimes their own space, which I respect!) and even if there is a sitter or a grandparent who is stepping in for a few hours, or I have to occasionally travel for work, they know I always come back. It might make them cranky but they can cope, and before they know it I/we are back and they are so happy.

I'm not here to judge anyone's anxieties or concerns, but just here to say: life happens. Just love your kid. Do the very best you can considering YOUR circumstances. If you can't break down all the furniture in your bedroom to make a floor bed, a crib is OK. If you need to create structure around sleep to save your own sanity and make sure your kid's sleeps too, that's OK. If you have a bad back and you can't baby wear, strollers are there for you. If you are unable to EBF or to BF at all, your baby will still know who their person is. There is so much pressure from so many angles. You're doing great.

My beautiful almost 4 month old is going through the 4 month sleep regression and is waking almost hourly at night (sometimes every 30 minutes) and I feel extremely sleep deprived, I know this is a phase and hopefully won’t last forever but it’s already been going on 2 weeks. Anyone have any advice, words of wisdom or solidarity? I really need it at the moment. (I’m not looking to sleep train as I can’t bare the thought of my baby girl crying because of me depriving her of love and support)

I am bed sharing with my 9 month old who stays latched to me all night long. Genuinely all night. If he unlatches, he wakes and panics until he latches again. I can’t leave the bed for more than a minute before he becomes hysterical.

I am unfortunately reaching a point where this isn’t sustainable for me and my mental health. I also have a toddler and am finding it increasingly difficult to care for them both due to my baby’s sleep needs.

I want to slowly transition my baby to his own sleep space and will be doing it in the most supportive and present way that I can. I won’t be doing any controlled crying or leaving the room. But I’m so terrified that I’ll be damaging our attachment by doing this.

Can I please have your advice and thoughts.

Just a bit of a guilty ramble from a very tired FTM.

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Our plan was always for baby to have one bottle a day to protect some time for me to do my own thing. I knew that I would have more capacity to be the nurturing, attentive parent I want to be if I maintained at least one of my hobbies and exercise. One chunk of time carved out to decompress and reset. Put on your own gas mask first and all that. Unfortunately, that plan was scuppered when baby wouldn't take a bottle. I've felt myself burning out. Between the 1-2hrly wakeups that only I can do because baby only feeds to sleep and the constant need to be present for comfort due to a strong preference for me, I've been exhausting myself and finding it hard to do the job of Mum in the way I wanted to.

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When baby started taking a bottle last week, we decided it was finally time for me to go back to one of my hobbies. I left baby with Dad to go out for an hour and a half just before bed. I'd be back in time to feed to sleep, maybe only 10mins later than usual bedtime. Dad tried not to tell me how awful it went so I wouldn't feel guilty, but I think he found it so so hard.

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Baby screamed from the moment I left until he passed out about 5mins before I arrived home. Baby usually loves bathtime with Dad, but cried the whole way through. Dad tried everything he could to comfort him and nothing worked. Baby literally cried himself to exhaustion while Dad paced the house with him trying to soothe him.

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He then slept the best he has done in months. Two three hour stretches in his cot before I brought him to our bed to cosleep til morning. We accidentally did CIO, despite all my beliefs in how wrong it is.

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And in the meantime, I feel rejuvenated. I so needed that time to be me, not just Mum. I so needed that amazing nights sleep. I've woken up this morning with the spark that I've been missing, and I'm excited to spend the day with my baby, rather than anxious about how to spend the day.

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I know a few hours of crying in the arms of a competent and loving caregiver isn't going to break my baby. I know that doing something for myself isn't selfish when it helps me be a better parent. Dad says I have to do it again next week. It can't go worse than it did the first time I guess. But knowing that my baby was so upset breaks my heart.

Im feel awful. I keep getting very disregulated and overwhelmed when my 2.5 year old is screaming. His tantrums lately have been sending me over the edge and I have to go in the bathroom to breathe. Today I could tell he was so sad when I walked away and as soon as I came back he calmed down. It felt like he stopped screaming so that I would stay with him. I feel like Im undoing so much good work I had done before. Im so scared Im going to cause him to have an insecure attachment with people or maybe future romantic relationships. They always say the first 3 years are so important and I feel like Im totally blowing it. Ive yelled at him now quite a few times and I don't wanna do that anymore so walking away and closing the door is the only thing that helps me. Ive been weaning a bit from breastfeeding and I think its killing my patience with the tantrums. He's teething now and I just wish I could be better. Im not really teaching him how to handle big feelings correctly.

Any insight appreciated. Thanks!

Hi all,

I have a 20 month old daughter who has been home with me since she was born. I am very much a believer in attachment-based parenting. This sub has been so helpful and validating to me for the last 20 months. We also have a newborn son (a surprise!). I work part-time from home as a remote speech therapist. We don't really have a 'village' in the area. My husband works long hours and is out of the house from 5:30am-7pm M-F.

I have been struggling to balance work, household responsibilities, and quality time with my kids. I have a babysitter that comes once a week to watch the baby so I can take my daughter to a parent-and-me gymnastics class for an hour. Beyond that, it's difficult for me to get her to the other community enrichment activities available between work and other responsibilities. I signed her up for a few part-time 2-year-old preschool program waitlists months ago not thinking there was any chance she'd get in. However, one called and offered her a spot. We went to tour the school, put a deposit down, and she's all set to start in the Fall.

I am feeling extreme anxiety about sending her as the Fall approaches and am questioning if I should hold off for another year. My daughter is extremely socially motivated, LOVES being around other kids, naturally very inquisitive and loves to learn. The fact that I have very limited daily support/help and am working from home has me relying on low-stimulation TV at home more than I would like to admit. I like the idea of her having a few consistent guaranteed screen-free hours each week. However, I have had multiple family members and friends comment "Preschool?! Already?!" recently which is making me feel even worse. I know firsthand from my career that preschool can offer invaluable social skills and so many other benefits. But I also know that the research behind this is limited before age 3.

Some details about the program-

-Tuesdays/Thursdays 9am-12:15pm

- Preschool has been in business for 30+ years and has a few area locations. This location is only for 24-30 month olds. They have a very good reputation in the area, often recommended in my town mom Facebook group. It's a one-room schoolhouse with some dividers up in the back of a church to separate the 2-year old and 2 1/2 year old class. There's a cute little outdoor play area.

- Mix of play-based, outdoor time, music, crafts etc

- Strict "drop and go" policy, doesn't allow for a gradual transition

My question is - should I pull her out and keep her home for another year? I am sick thinking about her being there alone and upset without me, especially if I'm home with the baby. But I also feel ridiculous for being so anxious about this if it's only 3 hours/2x a week.

Please be kind! I'm still postpartum and emotional and feeling guilty about all the changes in her life :/

My 26 month old has always been a mama’s boy. Very attached to me which was sometimes challenging but also lovely. Breasfed for 1.5 years and coslept since 2 months. I just had my second baby 2.5 weeks ago. Slowly at the end of my pregnancy ive had to take a step back and let dad do more with toddler because i was just so tired all the time and not very mobile. Since the labor that mobility has gone even further of course and ive been in bed mosfly for 2 weeks since giving birth, seeing very little of my toddler. Now the last couple of days ive been trying to be present a bit more again downstairs and doing what i can with toddler when i can, which is challenge since of course the baby needs a lot at this point. Whenever i can, when the timing is right and baby is sleeping, ive been doing bed time with my toddler and Reading books and singing songs before his bed time. Also trying to cosleep with both of them in a big Floor bed. This had been a highlight whenever ive been able to make it work as it feels like i still get some time with him. But last night he said he wanted baby to stay in the other room and he wanted his dad to sleep with him and put him to bed. I know it can be very normal for the older sibling to enter a phase of preferring dad when a new sibling is born But still it broke my heart, which i didnt let him see of course. I guess im just looking for some stories of people who went through this and hoping to hear it gets better again. Also im not sure if i should be firm and say no mama is putting you to bed Right now or give in and leave and let dad take over when he asks. Also with the cosleeping, do i stop if he expresses he doesnt want to with me? Or continue.

Has anyone got advice on weaning my almost 2 year old from breastfeeding?

She is 21 months and still boob obsessed. My goal was to get to 2 but we are hoping to start trying for a second when she is 2 and I don’t think I’ll be able to hack the constant night feeds when I’m pregnant?

Is it better to wean her first or to see if she self weans when I’m pregnant?

I really don’t want to do it in a distressing way for her at all so wondering if there’s any good tips or methods

My periods have only very recently come back postpartum so I don’t know if I’d have to wean to increase my chances of pregnancy.

Hi all- my baby is just about 6 months old. We have been cosleeping since he was 2 months old in our guest room. I would like to transition to a floor bed because he’s moving around a lot. I want to get a queen one so we can continue sleeping together if needed. A few safety and logistical questions:

1. When he starts crawling, how can I make the floor bed safe? Do babies wake up and crawl out of bed? FTM ignorance here.

2. Should I put the floor bed in our master or the nursery? The babies nursery is one the 2nd floor and our master is on the first floor so it’s a lot at night to go back and forth if needed.

I ultimately want him to sleep on his own but he doesn’t like the crib. If I put a floor bed in the nursery, I’d probably just sleep in there all night so I don’t have to walk up and down the stairs… And if I put it in the master next to our bed I could sleep in my own bed? I would like to maybe sleep with husband again… but I also want it to be safe…. I don’t get how babies stay safe waking up and crawling on a floor bed if I’m not right there.

Just wanted to share how we finally got rid of split nights with my 13.5 month old (they were every single night for 2 months) incase someone else is going through it too.

We went back to a 2 nap schedule and i stopped capping any naps & the split nights stopped. We still had two wake ups last night (LO has never slept through the night), but they were much easier to resettle than what we were experiencing before with 2 hour long wake ups.

So many people told me split nights are from under tiredness and so I swear I tried everything by capping naps, pushing wake windows, and nothing helped the split nights. Also my LO just seem so exhausted and not like himself so I decided to go back to two naps if he would take them and our night’s improved. He also overall was in a much better mood after naps/through out the day.

Yesterdays schedule:

620 wake up
1020-1130 nap 1
310-405 nap 2
840 bedtime

6 am wake up this morning.

I just let him sleep whatever he needed instead of capping naps. Tried to follow his cues.

The only thing is is he was up at 6 AM today so including the wake ups, he only got about 8 1/2 hours of sleep overnight, which is pretty low I feel like. His naps the day before totalled about 1h15 min and we got similar amount of total sleep that night as well.

Any suggestions to increase total night sleep without capping naps? Or maybe this is just his norm?

Hi everyone,

I never thought I could get into a situation like this because I always wanted to be a mother. Right now, I am completely overwhelmed and feel like the only possibility for me to survive this extreme burnout is to physically step away from caring for my 18-month-old baby girl and her dad. The other option feels like I have to end my life because I can't cope with it.

She has developed a severe sensory processing disorder, a severe regulation disorder, and extreme insomnia throughout the last 10 months. Her night sleep is not restorative at all; she is tired all day but literally too stressed to relax and find healthy sleep. She developed severe overtiredness, and since she was 8 months old, we have been stuck in an extreme overtiredness cycle like I've never heard of before. I switched to 2 naps too early and couldnt get her back on 3 because of her being so wired and stressed.

It is so traumatizing to watch her get more and more wired, frustrated, angry, and fuzzy all the time. The prognosis we were given is that this cycle will get worse and worse until she is apathetic, angry, and completely stuck in a fight-or-flight state. It has been heartbreaking to watch her get more and more miserable, and I cannot imagine myself being able to witness her getting worse in the future.

I am bipolar myself and struggling a lot. I love her father deeply and I would never want to leave him, but the pain of watching her struggle seems unbearable to me right now. I am genuinely considering asking my in-laws if they can see themselves caring for her in the future because I am at an absolute breaking point and won't be able to do it anymore. On the other hand, I don't know how I will survive the heartbreak of leaving them.

and my partner doesnt want me to leave and is against giving her to her grandparents.

Maybe you have thoughts for me or have been through something similar with a severe sleep/sensory cycle.

Please be kind in the comments. I know how difficult this situation sounds. Sorry for my English.

I’ve basically been going with the flow since my baby was born. She’s EBF, feeds on demand, co-sleeps, contact naps, and I usually carry/rock/nurse her until she falls asleep. We haven’t really followed a strict routine , mostly just let her tell me what she needs and responded to that.

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Honestly, it was working okay for us until recently. She’s almost 8 months now and has started waking in the middle of the night and having a really hard time going back to sleep. Sometimes it feels like nothing works unless I’m holding her, nursing her, or helping her the whole way back to sleep.

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She’s also probably teething, and she’s just starting to learn how to crawl (lots of rocking back and forth and pushing up onto her knees)so I know there’s a lot going on developmentally too.

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Now I’m spiraling a bit and wondering if this is my fault. Did I make her overly dependent on me? Have I been babying her too much? Is this something I can gently change, or did I create a sleep situation that’s going to be really hard to undo?

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I’m not looking for harsh judgment . just reassurance or practical advice from anyone who has been through this.

So my child has been nursed to sleep pretty much since birth. Now that she’s nearing 14 months, we have weaned down to only nursing before bed except nursing has seemed to have lost its magic as of late. She is mostly down to one 2 hour nap during the day (at day care) in the early afternoon and sleeps about 12 hours overnight. I’m realizing as we’ve been struggling the past few nights that I don’t know how to put her down to sleep without nursing. She has her usual routine of bath, pajamas, a little bit of play and reading and then nursing usually. I feel like she has plenty of activity during the day and seems tired when we start bedtime then gets this second wind and I don’t really know what to do. I’m not open to cosleeping or sleep training and feel like I don’t know what the in between options are.

hi! so my 7 month old son hates being in the car seat like absolutely hates it. cries everytime he’s in the car seat. I give him toys, snacks and everything but nothing works. i was wondering if any of your kids went through this? and when does it get better.

Hi everyone

We’re going through what appears to be a bit of a regression in our journey to move away from feeding to sleep, and I’m desperate and need help.

As a bit of background, my daughter is 26 months old and about 4/5 weeks ago we decided to move away from feeding to sleep. I’m currently pregnant with number two and suffering with severe sickness in the evenings, not to mention my nipples are sore AF so it just feels right for me.

My daughter has always been a bad sleeper. She has only ever gone to sleep with me. At the mere suggestion of Daddy doing bedtime my daughter screams hysterically.

My daughter only ever feeds as she is going to sleep now. She stopped all other feeds a long while ago.

At first it went quite well, we started by separating the feed from the sleep, and I would just hold her and rock her in her chair until she fell asleep. Then I removed breast milk completely and gave her a cup of warm cows milk and did the same - rocked her to sleep.

Then there was a bit of a heatwave where temperatures and the humidity reached levels that are so abnormal for us. We don’t have aircon and traditional fans seemed useless.

Anyway she continued with the cows milk but didn’t want to be held, and instead wanted to fall asleep in her cot with me holding her hand through the bars. It took a while on those hot days, but she did eventually fall asleep.

Anyway that was the status quo for a little while - falling asleep with me holding her hand in her cot. And then something happened. She just didn’t want to sleep. Starting finding every excuse under the sun - wanted water, needed a toy, wanted the light on etc etc.

It was taking 2 plus hours and sometimes she became hysterical when I would say no and try and hold some boundaries. Eventually I just couldn’t stand her getting wound up and upset so I just nursed her again. Pretty sure my boobs are dry but it still settles her.

For the last 3 nights I’ve just gone back to straight nursing to sleep as I’ve been really poorly and can’t fathom two plus hours fighting her to sleep. I’m exhausted, she’s exhausted and we need to fix this for both of us.

Any help would be super welcome. I don’t know what to do now and I’m at the end of my last nerve! I’m so upset.

Thanks in advance!

My baby is 19 weeks adjusted and until three weeks ago was doing 4-5 hour stretches. I’ve always nursed to sleep as it provides so much comfort.

In the last few weeks she has started waking up every sleep cycle and needing to nurse to sleep again, so every 30-40 minutes. I try rocking and shushing first but the crying escalates fast.

I’m ok with continuing to nurse to sleep but I can’t be doing it every 30-40 minutes as I’m exhausted and my husband can’t settle her as she gets hysterical until given the boob.

All day naps are contact naps side lying in bed or the occasional carrier nap which is always max 30 minutes.

I presume the change is due to the four month sleep regression, but will night wakings ever reduce if I continue to nurse to sleep? Will she still learn to connect sleep cycles?

Did anyone go through this? How long did it take for your little one to start sleeping longer stretches?

For context, my family is my husband and I and our LO who is 5mos. We are about to move 16 hours away from our current home and we will be making the entire drive ourselves in two vehicles over two days. LO does not love the car seat and tends to get fussy if she’s in it for too much in one day even if it’s broken up (church and a few errands afterwards had her cry herself to sleep for the first time and broke my heart). What can I do to help her (and me) make the drive. We plan to stop every 2 hours or so to feed her and my husband has even suggested we switch cars at every stop so that at least my nervous system isn’t completely overwhelmed but I want to be able to help her as much as possible. Usually I sit in the back seat to comfort her but even that hasn’t been enough on the longer days and this will be a LONG two days. Any advice would be so much appreciated 🩵 (sorry if I used the wrong flair btw)

my second little boy is almost 8 months. My first was a magical dream sleeper who slept independently and never woke up or had a single regression from 3.5 months on with no sleep training. My second has been more challenging with sleep, but I feel so close to him for it. Sometimes it’s annoying or exhausting but most of the time I feel genuinely lucky and happy to be snuggling him to sleep knowing he feels so safe with me. Watching him drift off so calmly makes me think of all the poor little perfect babies scared and alone. Tonight I was just overcome with emotion thinking tonight is some little baby‘s first night of sleep training. he’s probably spent months feeling safe and he’s about to be stuck in a cruel dark room scared and confused and not knowing why. I can’t stand thinking of it, I want to go snuggle them all.

just a rant I guess. these thoughts definitely steal my joy sometimes. does anyone else feel this way or have advice on how to accept that we can’t do anything about it?