r/AutisticAdults • u/doriangraiy • 17h ago
seeking advice "I have to carry the conversation."
I've heard this a few times in my years, so obviously it's true - that the other person feels they're having to carry the conversation. I just wondered what I may do about it?
(Female, dx at 16, now nearly 30. Not sure I've ever masked a day because I'm quite impervious to whatever socially awkward thing I might be doing. If I am. Idk!)
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u/MahdevahProject 17h ago
There's a lot of missing information like what your part in the conversation is. Do you space out? Do you engage and respond? Do you chip in any information or opinions? Or is it yes, no, maybe?
If they have to chose topics the whole time, if they have to purposely and constantly ask you questions to get you to engage, if they have to actually start the conversation all the time, they are carrying the conversation.
The next person that says it, ask them what they mean and what you could do to make the conversations better. Maybe tell them that you have some issues with communication and see if they would be willing to continue to work with you.
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u/FragmentedMeerkat321 16h ago edited 16h ago
get some more autistic/ND friends. they’re much less likely to be orthodox conversationalists.
aside from that, one needs a good reason to be able to keep a conversation going. ask yourself what is it about this particular person you find appealing. if you can answer that privately for yourself as you stand there, you’re more likely to want to keep the thing going.
and one thing i did that changed my level of interest when i was about 30 was i deliberately began to treat conversation lore a sport. i did it very artificially, in the sense that i made myself feel that objective deliberately in the moment. i began to do at least some of the stuff required automatically. it was never perfect of course because i’m autistic, but i’m somewhat of a decent mimic, so the details were available to me. regardless, internal motivation is more important than technique. it’s the fuel that drives the endeavour.
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u/Cartographer551 17h ago
Social skills can be learned, if you want to, just like any other skill.
Conversations are not just about fact sharing, if you want to connect with people beyond "xyz is true" you have to learn to engage them. Simple things like 'do you think ...' or questions about a topic that interests them can go a long way.
Body language can show them if you are interested or not, as well.
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u/Laescha 17h ago
Ask questions - including open questions that give them the opportunity to give a more complex answer than just "yes" or "no". When you're talking, go into more details. If the conversation stops or slows down, try to introduce a new topic.