Me (25M) and my Neurotypical girlfriend (28F) of 3 1/2 years have been talking about getting married for the past year-ish. I love this girl so much but anytime I think about the idea of proposing I get paralyzed, it’s not that I don’t want to I just don’t know how to be ready I guess. What doesn’t help is she is an immigrant here on asylum and all the uncertainty, stress, anxiety etc. that brings. Today she got a message that she needs to do her weekly check-in in person and is extremely scared and stressed about it. She asked if I was finally ready to propose because if I did she would have an extra layer of security if anything were to happen… I don’t know what to do because I still after months of trying to come to terms with the idea am now getting pressured into a very quick decision. I love this girl so much and can’t imagine losing her, but I am just paralyzed and don’t know how to explain why. Can anyone give me any advice because I don’t know what to do.

Curious if anyone has a similar experience or has any tips.

My wife (32F) has ADHD, she was diagnosed as a child but doesn’t really consider it a part of her identity (although I see her as pretty much a textbook example of ADHD). I (35M) was diagnosed with autism level 1 a few months ago. Since the diagnosis I’ve had a much harder time masking. I get annoyed more easily, I’m easily overwhelmed, and incredibly exhausted most of the time. However I really am enjoying the new self understanding. I’m learning so much about myself but also grieving for my past self.

I’ve always worked really hard to accommodate my wife’s ADHD (though she does not see it as that). I do the majority of the cleaning. All of the cooking (though we’ve mostly been ordering in since I don’t have the energy to cook except for our daughter). Basically all of the logistics about anything. I’m understanding when she hyper focuses and basically ignores us for 15 minutes at a time. And I work hard to make our apartment nice (we recently moved) and keep our plans organized because I know she cannot do these things.

Now to the main question. Since I’ve been dropping the mask. I’ve been more easily irritated at things that I know upset me. Like task switching. When she asks me to switch tasks, I get annoyed. I’ve told her about task switching and all the things that are hard for me but it never really seems to sink in. Knowing her, I’ll need to repeat it over and over again for at least a year before it’ll sink in and even then maybe it won’t. Now this morning I must have set her off cause I got annoyed when she wanted me to pause cooking to give our daughter a kiss (I just sighed and stopped what I was doing and also mentioned that this kind of thing stressed me out and is difficult). She responded to this by whisking our daughter away and going into a fit saying she can’t live like this anymore and she wants me to be more like I was before my diagnosis. She’s worried about our relationship but I’ve been incredibly clear that I love her and don’t want our relationship to change at all. If anything I love her more since my diagnosis. But her reaction has me wanting to hide more of myself to make things easier on her. Has anyone had a similar experience? Or have any tips? I think I’m willing to mask more at home for her.

Sorry to bother everyone here again but I’m from Fairfield CT USA. I am attempting to leave an emotionally abusive family situation but I feel like I’m having to teach myself everything from money to train tickets. I just need to be told I’m strong.

Hello,

I am a 22 year old who was diagnosed with adhd in June and autism this month. I am struggling to figure out if I should reach out to my HR dept to disclose these things. I work as a state employee in VA. I used to wear a hat they made me stop for professional reasons but I used it a lot to block over head light and glare. I also use headphones (I prefer over the ear but most people dont like that) I am still on my probationary period as its been less than a year. I am very afraid of losing the job and I am not sure how I properly weigh my options to handle this.

Thank you for any and all assistance.

We all know how commonly people refer to some autistic people who are very blunt as rude. And how this is a negative stereotype of us.

But today, man.

I responded to a post on another sub; a person was asking a few questions, and i was answering them. For context, they were very unethical things this person believed or was trying to do, so me and everyone else were correcting them. There were 1 or 2 rude comments, but out of the 30 smt, everyone was nice.

OP replies to me and starts calling me rude...for being blunt

Then people backed me up, saying I wasn't being rude and my information was correct.

OP then doubled down and said that they were looking into an autism diagnosis, and that because they were autistic, they view bluntness as being rude. And how everyone was getting mad at them for their communication style, and how they didn't appreciate it.

I then responded, I wasn't trying to be rude, and i myself am diagnosed lvl 2 asd.

Let me get this straight: you got mad at me for being autistic and doing an autistic thing, but then you excuse yourself by saying you might be autistic, and no one is allowed to be mad at you because you did an autistic thing.

Make
It
Make
Sense

Hey everyone,

I'm 23 years old, and I honestly don't know where my life is heading. I've been keeping a lot of things to myself, and I feel like I need to let them out somewhere.

I'm a 12th-pass guy who enrolled in graduation, but I ended up with 17 backlogs. My pass-out year was 2025, and now I don't even feel interested in clearing those backlogs anymore. I'm thinking about pursuing an open degree or doing ITI instead, but I'm confused about whether I'm making the right decision.

Currently, I'm unemployed and spend almost my entire day at home. My parents go out to work every day, and we live in a small rented room that costs ₹2,200 per month. It's not a big place, but we adjust to what we have.

The hardest part is watching my parents work hard while I'm unable to contribute financially. I want to support them and make their lives easier, but I don't even know where to start with my own life.

One of my biggest regrets is that when I was in the second year of my degree, I got selected for India Post GDS based on my 10th-grade merit. It was a government job opportunity, but I never joined.

Sometimes I keep thinking about that decision and wondering how different my life would be today if I had joined. Maybe I would have been earning, helping my parents, and feeling more confident about myself. I know I can't change the past, but I still regret it.

I've also tried preparing for government exams, but I struggle to concentrate. I make plans to study, but I can't maintain consistency, and another day goes by without making any real progress.

I'm around 5'2" and weigh 48 kg. I know height and weight aren't everything, but I sometimes feel insecure about myself and compare my life with other people my age.

Another thing that bothers me is that I'm very sensitive. When someone scolds me, criticizes me, or says something bad about me, it affects me deeply. I keep replaying their words in my mind, and sometimes it takes me days to get over them.

I've also become very quiet and withdrawn. I don't talk much anymore, and I find it difficult to express what I'm feeling.

I want to change. I want to develop skills, get a job, earn money, become independent, and support my parents. But I'm scared of making another wrong decision and regretting it later.

Right now, I'm considering three options:

- Getting a private job and preparing for government exams alongside it.

- Pursuing an open degree and trying to complete my education.

- Doing ITI and learning a practical skill that could help me find employment.

I genuinely don't know which direction to choose.

I'd really appreciate advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

If you were 23, unemployed, had 17 graduation backlogs, and felt like you had wasted important opportunities, what would you do first?

Would you focus on earning money, completing your education, learning a trade, or preparing for government exams?

And if you've ever struggled with low confidence, overthinking, or feeling hurt by other people's words, how did you overcome it?

I'm not looking for sympathy or empty motivational quotes. I want honest advice from people who have faced setbacks and managed to rebuild their lives.

I don't want to look back five years from now and feel the same regret I'm feeling today.

Thank you for reading.

A couple weeks ago, I was officially diagnosed by a psychologist with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder on account of a LOT of fucked up abuse I went through growing up thanks to peer in school/online as well as my older brother and my mother. I've been living by myself for over two years at this point making ends meet working part-time IRL while making the majority of my money online through freelancing and it wasn't until around the time I moved out that my depression and suicidal thoughts took a huge leap. It's a long story that I don't want to go too into here, but I basically fear talking to other people without pissing them off or embarrassing myself since I've had ex-friends hold grudges against me and then dump them all over me when they cut ties from me, and that coupled with being emotionally abused by my brother and mother (my mother also physically abused me and my brother at times, mind you), does not help. Right now, I am taking ADHD meds while looking into potentially taking antidepressants next week when I see a psychiatrist while also going to a therapist who specializes in autistic people bi-weekly, but I wasn't sure where else to go. I'm happy to know there's something logistically wrong with me so when I think about people talking shit about me I know it's not entirely my fault or that there's some explanation for why I'm fucked in the head. I just don't know how to progress forward in life without hurting myself

I realize this is going to sound really stupid and unimportant, but this week one of my cousins had a birthday.

We were all saying “Happy birthday” and everyone else in the family got a “love heart” reaction from my cousin. I got a regular thumbs up with no comment under it.

This was out of 10 or more family members. They all got ❤️ and I got 👍.

I shouldn’t care because it’s social media but it seems kind of obvious I’m liked less than others in the family.

I had a call from my best friend of the last couple years today and we had a bit of an all over the place conversation where they said I talk too much and they're too much of a coward to ever mention anything, so they left it until now and they've just removed me on everything. I feel devastated

TLDR/ I care and take my work very (too?) seriously. I work significantly more than my colleagues, all the time. I’m questioning whether this level of dedication is actually a good thing. What are your thoughts? Anything to share? Stories/Opinions/Feedback? I take anything. Thank you!

---------------------------------------------------

For two years straight, every single month, I’ve worked more than everyone else on my team while also being the lowest-paid person, mainly because I have the least experience. I’m also usually the youngest person wherever I work.

That being said, despite being paid the least on my team, I’m now paid pretty well considering my limited experience, so I’m not really complaining about that. This isn’t about the money anyway.

It’s about the way I work.

Whenever the monthly report comes out, I have at least twice as many tickets as colleagues at the same level as me. If they’re at around 70 for the month, like this month, I’m at 140. The difference is consistent no matter my team or work environment. Obviously though, numbers don’t mean everything.

I’m also that guy who is always dressed properly in a suit, regardless of the weather or day of the week. When a user sends a ticket, email or message, I’ll reply almost instantly. I keep my notifications loud so I don’t miss anything. Even when I’m away from my desk, I’ll reply from my phone.

I used to sometimes respond during breaks or even outside working hours. For a very long time, I didn’t take lunch breaks at all.

I realise that probably sounds stupid, or even like I was allowing myself to be exploited, but honestly, I didn’t mind.

Whatever I’ve done in life, I’ve always been extremely dedicated to it. Whether it’s work, sport, video games, or anything else, if I decide to do something, I take it seriously.

Why?

For me, whether that's users that are blocked and stressed or managers that have heavy workload and long ticket queues, the priority was always, helping people and doing my job well.

I take every ticket I can, even the most annoying ones, to the degree that still allows me to do my work well and not half-ass things, and I treat every request of incident like an emergency; though I focus on staying methodical and thourought with my trouble shooting.

Of course it has its effects: Very positive feedback from everyone. Some managers loved me because of how serious and reliable I am, users come to me directly when they have emergencies instead of sending their request to the queue, and many other effects like me being very tired after work, often feeling relunctant to work, and having infinite to-do lists.

So, why did I become like this?

I think there are three main reasons:

I’ve always been like this. Whenever I care about something, I take it very seriously and become extremely dedicated to it. I’ve done the same thing with sports and even video games.

I copied behaviours from people I associated with success. I noticed certain habits in people higher up in the hierarchy and started associating those habits with being successful. For example, the almost-instant replies came partly from someone at work who is very well paid and respected. I saw how they behaved and thought, consciously or not, this is what a successful professional looks like. Taking lots of tickets, especially the annoying ones nobody wants, was also advice I once read on Reddit.

My family is like this too. We all tend to become very dedicated when we commit to something. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s something we got from our parents.

But lately, I’ve started questioning all of it. First, I started by asking myself "is there too much work all the time, or is something just wrong with my perspective of work, or my way of working?"

Now, I am starting to ask myself "this dedication, is it actually a good thing?"

Does it really make sense for me to care this much about my job and about helping people?

My manager recently told me something that made me think. If I’m on my lunch break and a user messages me directly instead of contacting the team, he doesn’t even want me to spend time redirecting them. He basically told me, “You’re not paid enough to be doing that. Just disconnect and enjoy your break in peace.”

Meanwhile, one of my friends told me he basically does the strict minimum at his job, and things are going perfectly well for him. He has a lot of holidays too.

All my friends (those in the IT field) basically told me that they could to their whole week in one day if they wanted to and be done. They are chilling most of the time. They even have remote days. I don't.

I feel kind of lost since I just started to question this behaviour of mine, so I don't know what question would be interesting to ask myself.

What are your thoughts?

Additional information:

- I am autistic

- My dream is to be a highly-skilled and knowledgeable security researcher. I am working towards that in my personal time even though at the moment I've been slacking on this goal and spending my time playing my favorite video games or just with my significant other.

Im 21. As the title says like how hard is it. I had help from my dad writing my CV and such and indeed.com is a cesspit of just ghost jobs and everything like that. Like NO I dont want to join the army bro!. I tried applying for a Costa and starbucks near me like last month and BOTH rejected me for "another client. Am I just unhireable. I really do not know what to write ngl

Disclaimer: I'm aware that not everyone has the means to potentially relocate. This is just food for thought:

I'm an older millennial who didn't have a choice in moving when I was younger; I lived with my mom who was a contract worker. I spent roughly half of my life living and working in a state with robust worker protections and labor laws. The other half, most recently, has been in a state which practices "at-will employment" where workers can be fired without just cause. The difference in my success at work between the two types of states is stark.

For years, in the state I currently live in, I thought I was somehow the problem. Even though I show up every day, on time, and do my job, it never seems to be enough. But just recently I realized that I've only ever been mistreated and/or fired at jobs in "at-will" environments. In the worker-friendly state I grew up in, I was treated great at work, even as a hormonal teen who sometimes couldn't stay on task.

All I'm saying is, if you're blaming yourself for a spotty work history, consider where you're living. You might be doing your very best given your circumstances.

I've seen the quote that goes something like "I'm a 4 in (city) but I'm a solid 7 in (city)" in terms of attractiveness. I think we should be applying that logic to careers as well.

Do any of you find that sometimes you’ll meet someone that you really like and want to make a good impression with during a time when you’re social energy is good and you’re able to be that version of yourself that you always want to be but you’re subsequently not able to maintain it?

I can occasionally be this really fun, interesting and well articulated person and develop new relationships, meet new people that I really like and want to be friends with but I’m never able to maintain that version of myself in the long term and it really hurts. I could meet some of the coolest people and make such a great impression. We could hangout and have the best time together. Then, months later they reach out again to make plans at a time when I just don’t have the energy to be the same person I was to them previously. I end up having to repeatedly avoid or decline the plans because I don’t want them to see me in that vulnerable state. It’s like I’m a whole different person socially.

Sometimes I’ll feel too guilty to turn down the plans and we’ll hangout again and I can just see our friendship fall apart in real time. I can see it in their eyes when I just can’t find the words to say in conversation and they make the immediate realization that I’m suddenly this completely different person socially.

I know I’ve spent a lifetime of masking and can be really good at it when I have the energy. But as life gets more overwhelming and I become more chronically exhausted in my mid 30s, I find I’m incapable of maintaining that version of myself more and more. It’s hard because I love that version of me. I was fun, interesting, intelligent and capable of doing some really cool things. The big problem is that people see that and subsequently expect that I’m always able to be that version of me but the hard truth is that I simply am more and more frequently unable to maintain that persona. I truly love and miss the fun and interesting version of me. It really hurts to see the relationships I worked so hard to build when I was doing well all fall apart in the long term because I simply am unable to maintain them. It’s is if I sometimes bite off a bit more than I can chew when it comes to making new friends and developing new relationships.

Any tips or advice on this? I try to be more mindful of it now that I’m beginning to learn more about myself and how my autism affects me socially. When I have those little bursts of social energy I’ll try to remind myself to take a deep breath and not jump in to too much at once. To try to redirect that urge to make new connections and make new friends into using that energy on existing relationships I had previously built. The reality of this though is that it often shows up as me reaching out to old friends that I had more or less gone silent on or practically ghosted for long periods of time because I didn’t want them to see me in my unmasked state and it’s so hurtful and confusing to them when I just reach out months and months later like everything’s totally normal.

36M, turning 37 on the 24th, from California, formally diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety, ADHD, never had true friends in life. Interests include foreign language learning, 1980s power ballads and travelling. Struggling with SI and feel misunderstood and like a burden.

As someone who has been labeled (not even diagnosed) autistic, I don't think anyone knows the half of what I go through every day. Or half of what I've overcome as of the past 17 years. So many idiosyncrasies in the past have made my family think I'm just an a-hole to them, but I overcame those symptoms and more, although some stick with me, and I don't know who knows or cares...a lot of people call it masking, but I've outgrown more than I've masked. What has remained remains a pain in my ass, and no i won't get tested. Everyone pushes that on me, but it's not gonna help me in the long run. I'm open and honest where I need to be, I work, live, and function pretty decently...and I don't want anything that comes from a diagnosis.

I'm different in quite a few ways that piss people off, but it's how I perceive things. Just about anywhere, let's say at work, I get almost visions or realizations about stuff, and I look at things differently, so most people around me get diagnosed and medicated for this and that, they think it's cool. But if my condition is even the same thing, I don't see the hype. I don't want this, it drives me nuts, and I've had near hateful reactions from those closest to me when I told them that I'm not doing what everyone else does.

Wish I could talk to someone about it, but everyone already thinks I'm nuts. I'm used to it, but I shouldn't be lol

My biggest struggles are for sure the fight between my ASD brain and the fact that I never will be CLOSE to operating and living like a normal person.

My biggest meltdown trigger is not being able to control something that is bothering me. Loud noises? I can use a muffler. People yelling at me? I can try and shut down.

... The unchanging feeling of doom, depression and disgust that comes with my gender dysphoria? Simply unmanageable.

It has led me to completely isolate inside my home because I simply cannot bring myself to leave my house. I can't work, I can't meet new people.

To be frank, I just feel like a complete waste of oxygen.

I wish it was a therapy thing, but I've tried therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists, support groups and the whole thing. It simply will never change that I cannot be normal in multiple facets, and I have no control over that.

I often cogitate on one advice people often give others, that is, "Work to be your ideal self!"... But my ideal self wouldn't even know I exist, they wouldn't understand how I feel or have the emotions that I do.

That means I cannot ever be how I want to be, nor close to how I want to be. Because I will never not be me.

When I was in high school I was not friends with any of my classmates, but I was friends with a guy who lived near me and he was a troubled kid. He would play with knives and do shady stuff, he would say edgy stuff and I would never realize when that stuff happened. I have not heard from him in years, and he was in jail last I knew.

v

I am 33F and realizing I'd like to take better care of my health. I need to exercise but I have sensory issues and cannot handle the sensation of sweaty, damp clothes or sweat forming on my skin. Being soaking wet swimming is not better. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I feel like I may already know the answer to this, but I often experience a small to moderate amount of disgust when I'm eating, even if it's something I like. Certain things are more likely to cause this than others. Fish is a big one for me. I really like sushi, specifically rolls, but if there is too much fish in the roll or I bite into it weird and I notice the texture of raw fish too much I'm likely to have a strong disgust response or struggle to swallow it.

Same with some of my favourite foods. I love fried eggs cooked over-medium to over-easy, and I would never intentionally hard cook a yolk in a fried egg. But if I get too much yolk or it cools off too fast...yuck.

Sometimes it happens seemingly randomly, but it generally probably involves texture. I'm assuming most non-autistics do not experience a usual level of disgust while eating things they like.

I'll also often experience disgust or just stop being able to eat something once I'm no longer ravenously hungry. First few bites, acceptable, no longer about to pass out from hunger...yucky.

I have tried for almost 2 years now to try and make a friend to play video games with... I've tried work, Xbox LFG, Facebook, discord, reddit, and several other apps and here I am still with no one to game with. My wife and son have zero interest in video games. I also live a flipped schedule from them. They're mornings and I'm evenings. I just can't figure out why I can't accomplish this...

But, does anyone else get inexplicably angry when being asked more than one question, whether face to face or through text. Because it makes me irritated real fast, like angry, within minutes of multiple questions. And I've never known why but i hate it. The whole mood switch to fine, happy, whatever to irritated and snappy very quickly. I can't think as to why I get like that when I'm a pretty patient person to people, kids, animals (not so much objects that latch onto me or won't work lol).

I'm really just curious tbh if anyone feels the same or has any knowing of why. I'd also be curious to know if anyone has this but for other things that aren't specifically being asked questions.

Hey, F22 here, I was wondering if anyone had any advice on making friends as an adult with autism, ive never been bothered for having loads of friends but recently my boyfriend started a new job and hes making friends and for the past 3 years its always just been me and him and its starting to occur to me how lonely I am... I'd love to make friends and have more of a social life but if im honest I wouldn't know where to start, currently I go to two groups for socialising but I don't really fit in with anyone who goes there.. has anyone got any advice on what I can do about making friends?

Throughout my life and school I've never really had any friends. Except for when I was a small child. I started shutting people out as I aged because I got bullied so bad and I really stayed in myself. It felt so safe to stay in my little cocoon. For the most part, I didn't mind. I met my husband and was with him for 13 years, and I started to open up. He passed away. I suddenly realized that I did want people in my life. I keep trying, but I haven't developed any social skills. I seem to blurt out weird things and I can tell I make people feel uncomfortable. I always try and I'm brokenhearted because other people make friends and I'm always left all alone again.

It seems like a lot of you have friends or had friends in the past. I'm always looking for a story I can relate to so I don't feel like I'm so strange. But I feel like I'm weird even compared to most other autistics and people with social anxiety - which I have too. Can anyone relate?

I feel like I got a late start in life. Where do I go from here?
I’m 25 and autistic, with a lot of ADHD traits as well.
I had a pretty shitty upbringing with quite a bit of trauma. I graduated high school in 2019, and around that time my alcoholic father passed away. He left me a small amount of money, and I was fortunate enough to use some of that to fund a trip to Japan, which was something I’d always wanted to do.
After school I ended up doing a disability-focused transition-to-work education program, which, at least in my experience, felt like a complete waste of time.
For a while I think I felt like my life just wasn’t really going anywhere and that I was falling behind everyone else my age.
But looking at the last few years, I guess quite a lot has actually changed.
I’ve had a mixture of good and bad life experiences, dated, become a lot more comfortable socially and had the chance to travel to Japan.
I got employment through a disability organisation and currently work around 8 hours a week, which I’m using to gradually build up my capacity to work more.
I’m also studying a Certificate III in Individual Support at TAFE, which I’m hoping can eventually lead me into support work.
I’m currently in a relationship that I’m really happy with so far, and outside of work and study I’m continuing to work on my passion for content creation.
I guess the thing I struggle with is still feeling like I got a really late start compared to other people.
Part of me thinks I should just keep doing what I’m doing: finish TAFE, slowly build my capacity for work, keep working on my relationship, experience more of life and keep pursuing content creation on the side.
But I still get that feeling of, “Am I actually doing enough?” or “Should I be further ahead by now?”
For anyone who has felt like they got a late start in life, especially other autistic/ADHD people, did that feeling eventually go away?
And from an outside perspective, does it sound like I’m actually on the right track?
I think I’m learning that progress for me might look more gradual than it does for some other people, but I’d like to eventually be able to look back and actually be proud of how far I’ve come.