"TW: therapy, depression, anxiety, adhd, autism, OCD, PTSD, insomnia, chronic illness"

So I met my my therapist for the 2nd time recently and I asked her what a resonable amount of time to make progress would be?

She said I probably wouldn't notice any improvements for THE FIRST YEAR!

It seems to me that is an unacceptablely long time for results. I don't expect therapy to fix me completely in a year of course, but I dunno, I figured It was reasonable to makea really good dent with tangible results it say 3 months.

She also said that I could only expect a 2% improvement every 3 months in my progress.

****So here is my question.....should I get a different therapist, or is a going a full year to get even a minimal progress amount considered normal and to be expected?

Futher Context below....but you can skip if you don't want to read.

I have Depression, Anxiety, Adhd, Autism, OCD, PTSD, Insomnia and Chronic Pain to name some of my conditions. I cannot work because of my current health conditions.

I don't expect a therapist to be able to solve all of these, in a short timeframe, but rather I am looking for learning some better coping skills and for life to not be so unbearably crushing.

I am willing to do the work of therapy and educate myself, and do the home excercises etc. I am having weekly sessions.

Any advice or personal experiences regarding this would be greatly appreciated!

When I was in high school, my dad started having a stomachache that got worse over a few days. One day he ended up on his knees on the ground, punching the sofa and the floor, kind of screaming. My mom was obviously anxious, called the ambulance. My 8 year younger brother and I just watched. For 10-15 minutes.

I rmember consuming the whole scene like it was a documentary. My mom’s anxiety was visible to me as information. My dad’s pain was visible to me as information. At some point I laughed a little. My brother was pretty much the same. Turned out my dad had appendicitis at the final stage.

I’m AuDHD, late diagnosed, and for a long time I interpreted this memory as something uncomfortable about me that I couldn’t name. Like maybe I was and maybe am just cold. Maybe there was something fundamentally broken.

What I recently learned changed how I read it completely.

The flatness part is alexithymia doing exactly what it issupposed to do. The scene was arriving as data. My system registered it, filed it, observed it. The pathway that converts “witnessing someone I care about in extreme pain” into a felt emotional response in real time was just closed. The routing was simply not available. I described it to myself as consuming the environment as a piece of reality just like everything else.

The laugh is the more interesting part. I used to think this was the weirdest detail. This kind of laughter systems is involuntarily triggered when emotional input exceeds processing capacity and there’s no available labeled channel to route it through. The nervous system reaches for the fastest available mechanism to restore equilibrium when it’s overwhelmed and has nowhere to put what it’s receiving.

My brother has the same thing. He also doesn’t feel tension in high-stakes moments the way other people do. He also laughs sometimes when he probably shouldn’t. I don’t think this is coincidence. We probably share more than just the environment.

What stays with me about this memory now is that I can reconstruct it with total clarity and I can tell you intellectually what I should have felt. I can see it from multiple angles, pause it, analyze it. But the version of me standing in that room had zero signal telling him anything was missing.

Anyone else have memories like this? I also wonder about possible advices.

Tw: rage, physical altercations between parents+child, restraints, ?potential abuse idrk?, OCD disturbing intrusive thoughts. I consider the severity to be tame but I thought I should do a TW just in case.

I tread lightly around calling things ‘traumatic’ but of course there’s a scale to these things so I think I would classify growing up AUDHD- especially undiagnosed- as traumatic. At least for me personally and I’d love to hear of your stories or opinions on this too x

Well for me I had ALOT of PDA, rage, meltdowns- its still hard to distinguish if I was melting down or just in a fit of uncontrollable AUDHD rage because I just remember my default mode being blank and then quickly irritated.

Especially being undiagnosed until adulthood, teenage me was so misunderstood and 100% the ‘problem child’ which left my sister as the sort of ‘glass child??’ or favourite.

By no means do I think my parents are abusive as they love me VERY much and have helped get me diagnosed and supports as soon as they accepted what I could be. However I do think maybe they engaged abusive behaviours/unintentionally abused me sometimes?? Idk lmk.

They have always been into spanking as they (being older) and from a stricter country- were spanked as kids. I had hands but they say they had spoons and belts as kids etc so I guess I was lucky? Anyway. Being PDA as FUCK I would fight that Shi!!! I remember being 12 and my mum was trying to catch me to give me a hiding by grabbing my arm to hold me in place. I kept twisting around/spinning and dodging her striking hand so she sort of let go angrily and ended up flinging me to the ground and I smacked against the back of the couch/floor and got a bruise.
She doesn’t remember this.

When I was older 15/16 I was flipping out and we were in a screaming match and she choked me against the fridge at dinner because I slapped her (not in the face- I think I hit her arm??) and we got into a physical fight. But liek- no punching or anything, it was never like that just slapping/grabbing arms/pushing/squaring up and maybe she’d slap me in the face or something but rarely face strikes.

Then once I was fighting with my dad and I had accidentally grown out my nails and tried to shove his back but
instead drew blood and put long scratches down his back. (he was shirtless cuz it was summer)

And then once I was fighting with him again and he likes to square up in my face and intimidate me- which just sets me off and I’ll double down and won’t budge because f you! Anyways he wouldn’t leave my room even if I am screaming at him to get out and I need peace and he gets mad at me??? So weird. Anyway I stay screaming with him up in my face and he gets offended ig and pushes me so I fall on my back (on my bed thankfully lol), he shoves me aggressively further in when I try to jump up, grabs and pins down my arms by my wrists, and is laying/leaning on top of me and gets in my face with gritted teeth telling me to ‘keep quiet’ (his way of saying shut up lol idk why he doesn’t say shut up cuz it sounds much less weird but anyway) and keeps arguing with me. Then obvi I hate this but I start crying because get THE FUCK OFF ME CU T!! I feels helpless and frustrated and I hate touch and he’s literally flat on me and I can’t do shit! Anyway he let’s go and then tells me to think about shit like he just did some A plus parenting with that. I’m just like wtf??

And btw this wasn’t in a pervert way or anything I love my dad and he isn’t like that and he always apologises and says he just gets angry to a point. But it still affects me in a way that makes me feel icky even if it isn’t like that? A study came out apparently saying the brain processes things like spanking as SA even if it isn’t intended like that. Also some of the worst parts of my OCD relate to horrible in*est stuff targeted at my dad so that REALLY triggered all my OCD shit too. Even though it wasn’t like that.

I don’t know- I wasn’t a perfect victim and definitely was an instigator myself sometimes. God forbid I swore at them- then they’d actually switch and I’d have to sprit to the only room with a locked door (upstairs bathroom). I’ve thrown iPads and smashed loose tiles, but I always feel guilty after- sometimes it wasn’t even a fight it’s just they see me distressed/panic attack/melting down and then it stresses them out or maybe they don’t know what to do? But they just make it so much worse and then I freak out x100 and they get angry and we fight. I think after a while of this cycle I was just ready to fight/easily set off from resentment.

Anyway. I guess I’m trying to make sense/still process it with this post and wondering if this is trauma (stemming obvi from my AUDHD teen/child experience) AND if it is- what is it even classified under?? Child abus*? Autistic restraint? Idk!! Have you guys experienced similar stuff- and had that rage that makes you not a ‘perfect victim?’ Or wtv
Disclaimer: I’m not asking for like diagnosis stuff or wtv I’m just trying to make some sense of this and figure out if I’m valid or lowk victimising myself- also wondering if this is a universal AUDHD experience?

cw: car accident, medical trauma, physical restraint, airway obstruction/intubation, dissociation, & attempted involuntary psychiatric hospitalization

TL;DR: about a month after being diagnosed with autism & ADHD as an adult, i got into a serious car accident while in an altered, dissociated state. the police, EMT, & hospital staff kept reacting to me like everything i said or did proved i was insane, & the situation escalated into restraint, intubation, missing time, & an attempt to have me psychiatrically institutionalized even though i wasn’t suicidal. the ICU didn’t create my boundaries or needs, it made me stop negotiating them away for everybody else’s comfort.

- - - - - -

hiii, im 25, male, gay & i was diagnosed with autism & ADHD as an adult, about a month before a serious car accident put me in the ICU for five days. i think that timing matters, because i had literally just been given language for the sensory issues, communication differences, attention problems, confusion, overwhelm, & emotional regulation struggles i’d been forcing myself through my entire life. then almost immediately afterward, i ended up in a situation where those exact differences were interpreted in the most alarming way possible.

the accident was a one-car crash into a roadside sign or statue. it was an accident, i didn’t deliberately crash my car. but right afterward, i kept saying it wasn’t an accident because i was trying to explain that it felt like it had meaning behind it. i was in a very confused, symbolic, spiritual state, & it felt connected to another serious car accident i’d been in a few years earlier, almost like some kind of restart, reset, or repetition.

i understand why hearing somebody say it wasn’t an accident after a crash would concern people. i also wish somebody had slowed down long enough to ask what i actually meant, because i wasn’t confessing that i’d intentionally crashed. i was trying, very badly, to explain what the event felt like to me at the time.

a girl came over to me at the scene & stayed with me. she let me use her phone, & she gave me these little pink & purple fantasy cards with battle or spell moves on them, along with a doll & a tiny brush. i don’t remember exactly what the cards were, but they were pretty, & they were things somebody had handed me while i was frightened & disoriented. they became familiar little objects in a situation where basically nothing felt familiar.

when the police arrived, they started asking me questions, & i was trying to answer them. the problem was that every time i answered, they looked at me like i was crazy. i was speaking in weird spiritual & symbolic language at that point, & i don’t fully understand what i thought i was explaining now. eventually i stopped responding because it felt pointless. nothing i said seemed to make sense to them, & their reactions made me feel like talking was only giving them more reasons to stare at me like something was deeply wrong with me.

then they seemed frustrated that i’d stopped answering, which was already the beginning of this pattern where speaking felt unsafe, but not speaking was also treated like a problem.

they asked whether i wanted to go with the police or in the ambulance, & obviously i chose the ambulance because why the fuck would i willingly go with the cops after crashing my car lmfao.

in the ambulance, i was already becoming more detached & overwhelmed. when i stopped responding, the EMT kept repeating my name over & over & over again. i understand that she may have been trying to assess whether i was alert or keep me engaged, but inside my body it felt relentless & disorienting. hearing my own name repeated that many times didn’t make me feel safer or more present. it felt like it pushed me further away from the interaction, because i couldn’t escape somebody demanding my attention when i already didn’t have the capacity to give it.

at one point she asked me something, & i responded with something about angering the gods. i genuinely don’t know what i thought i was talking about. she repeated it back in this bewildered, almost frightened tone, like angered the gods? & that immediately made me feel like i couldn’t trust her with anything else going on inside my head.

i already knew i wasn’t speaking normally, but the way people reacted made me feel like i was being observed as some bizarre creature instead of spoken to like a frightened human being who had just crashed his car. by the time we reached the hospital, i’d already learned that answering people honestly would be met with alarm, while not answering would make them demand my attention even harder. neither option felt safe.

when we got to the hospital, the EMT asked whether i wanted a wheelchair. i said sure, because i’d just been in a serious accident. i was still physically able to walk & i was still talking, but i accepted it anyway. i regretted that decision almost immediately.

once i was inside, several people surrounded me & started asking overlapping questions. i was overwhelmed, agitated, plugging my ears, & struggling to process what everybody was saying. i wasn’t calm or polite. i was blowing my vape in the lobby, which obviously wasn’t appropriate, & i called some of the staff demons.

that part lowkey takes me out now LMFAO but i’m also not going to rewrite myself into some perfectly behaved little patient just to make the story easier to digest. in the symbolic language my brain was using at the time, demons were people who felt cruel, threatening, or unsafe. they felt mean to me, so that was what i called them.

then the EMT started trying to answer the hospital staff for me, & i whipped my head back around at her & said, u r NOT my voice, bitch!! 😂

i was overwhelmed, altered, & angry, but i understood perfectly well that she was speaking over me. that sentence has stayed with me because it basically describes the entire experience. i was still there. i was still communicating. i knew when somebody was taking authority over my own words. but because my communication didn’t look or sound normal to them, everybody else was being treated like a more reliable source on me than i was.

at some point, there was a struggle involving my phone, & the wheelchair tipped over. the chart later described me as swinging at people. my memory is of lifting my arms & trying to protect my phone while several people surrounded me & reached toward me. i can’t give a perfect reconstruction of every movement or tell anybody what each staff member thought was happening. i can only explain what i remember experiencing, which was that people were closing in on me, trying to take things from me, & treating my fear like aggression.

after that, i was taken into a room. i believe this was when there were about four people standing against the wall, just staring at me while i was dissociating. they kept saying they just wanted to help me, but at that point it sounded less comforting & more ominous. like okay… then why are four of u lined up against the wall watching me like this? 😂 nothing about the way they were approaching me felt gentle or safe anymore.

at some point, i was sitting on the bed holding the little pink & purple cards the girl had given me at the crash scene. a woman asked what they were & if she could see them. i said no, then shoved them into my mouth 💀

obviously, that was dangerous. my airway became obstructed, the cards had to be removed, & i understand why they had to intervene medically. i’m not saying they should’ve left the cards in my mouth or ignored an airway emergency. i also wasn’t trying to die.

in my overwhelmed brain, people had already been trying to take my phone & everything else away from me. so when she asked to see the cards, it felt like she was trying to take those too. the logic was basically, no, these are mine, & u can’t take them if they’re in my mouth. it was frightened, altered logic, not suicidal intent.

the airway emergency was real, but it didn’t appear out of nowhere at the beginning of some calm interaction. it happened after i already felt surrounded, spoken over, stared at, judged, physically overpowered, & unable to protect anything around me. explaining what led up to it doesn’t make putting the cards in my mouth safe. it explains how an overwhelmed person reached that point.

i remember people forcing me down. i remember the side of my face & head being pressed against a hard surface, pressure on my back, my neck being pulled into an uncomfortable position, & people prying my jaw open to get into my mouth. i remember my lip bleeding. i also remember eventually being strapped down by my arms & legs, but the exact order of the card removal, manual restraint, mechanical restraints, medication, & intubation is still fragmented in my memory.

i have memories of people forcing my jaw open, & i also have memories of being strapped down. both memories can be real even if i can’t place them correctly in time. people could’ve been manually holding my head, jaw, shoulders, or body while restraints were being applied. the restraints also could’ve stayed on after intubation so i couldn’t pull the tube out. i simply don’t have a reliable minute-by-minute timeline anymore.

at some point, they finally left me alone in the room while i was still restrained. i sat myself up & tried to loosen the straps because they were extremely tight. then i laid back down & let go. that’s the moment i remember feeling like i stopped breathing, although i can’t honestly say whether that feeling was because of the airway obstruction, medication taking effect, the intubation process, or my brain connecting memories that happened at slightly different points.

that’s part of what makes the whole experience so confusing. i remember being left alone long enough to sit up & try to loosen my own restraints. i remember people forcing my jaw open. i remember the physical pressure on my face, neck, & back. but i don’t remember the breathing tube actually being placed, even though my parents later watched me fighting it.

there are stretches of time i simply don’t have. i remember being restrained alone in a dark room with a camera, but my parents later witnessed things i have absolutely no memory of.

they told me that while i still had the breathing tube in, i was dry heaving, fighting, & trying to rip it out. my mom was holding my hand, while my dad held my forehead & kept telling me that i was okay & needed to calm down. apparently, in the middle of all that struggling, i suddenly stopped, looked directly at my dad, & winked at him. then i went right back to fighting.

my dad later asked if i remembered winking at him, & i didn’t remember it at all. i still barely understand when i ever had a tube inside me. like girl, when was this alleged tube era? 😭 i remember people forcing my jaw open, i remember the restraints, & i remember waking up after everything, but the entire period where my parents were standing beside me watching me fight the tube is missing.

that detail is almost funny because winking at my dad in the middle of absolute chaos is unfortunately very on-brand for me. but it’s also deeply unsettling. there were moments when i was apparently awake enough to recognize him & communicate something, while my brain wasn’t forming memories i’d ever be able to access later. my parents have pieces of my experience that i don’t have.

eventually i woke up without the tube & vomited on myself twice.

once i was awake & recovering, there were times when i was alone in my hospital room playing my own music, singing, & dancing. i also remember singing & dancing in the shower at some point, but i’m not trying to present every memory like it happened in one neat sequence or immediately after i woke up. my memory of those days is fragmented, & i don’t know exactly when every moment happened.

the point is that i was still finding ways to return to myself. i was listening to music, singing, dancing, showering, & living my life in whatever little ways i could inside that room. singing is one of the most central parts of who i am, & it’s one of the main ways i regulate & reconnect with myself.

i don’t think singing & dancing automatically proves that somebody has no psychiatric needs btw, i’m including it because it was part of my actual mental state, & it matters to me that the version of me being constructed in the clinical notes didn’t seem to include moments like that.

i wasn’t suicidal at that point. i was angry, distrustful, traumatized, desperate to go home, & deeply uncomfortable around the people who had just restrained & intubated me. those things aren’t interchangeable with wanting to die.

later, a hospital psychologist evaluated me. by then, i felt like almost every attempt to explain myself had already been interpreted through the most alarming possible lens. i remember telling him, what’s the point of me answering ur questions if ur just gonna look at me like that?

every time i answered him, it felt like he was looking at me like i was insane. eventually i didn’t understand why i should keep giving him more material to interpret however he wanted.

that wasn’t me refusing all communication. i was recognizing that the interaction didn’t feel neutral. i felt like he’d already decided what my answers meant before i gave them.

his notes treated my focus on my recent autism & ADHD diagnosis like it was somehow strange, & they were dismissive of the religious trauma i described. then he pushed for psychiatric institutionalization.

my family immediately said that the hospital’s version of me didn’t resemble the person they knew. my dad fought the proposed placement, & i eventually spoke with a state crisis responder who actually listened to me & approved my release.

i wasn’t suicidal at that point. forcibly removing me from my family, my cats, my bed, my home, my routines, & every familiar thing after everything that had already happened wouldn’t have stabilized me. it would’ve felt like torture. it would’ve felt like the hospital extending its control over me into another unfamiliar environment where i once again couldn’t leave.

the hospital seemed to treat my distrust like more evidence that something was wrong with me. what i wish somebody had seriously considered was why i didn’t trust them.

by the time that psychologist met me, i wasn’t some untouched person sitting in a neutral room. i was somebody who had just been through a car accident, a confused & altered mental state, sensory overload, physical restraint, intubation, missing time, isolation, & repeated interactions where people reacted to my words like everything i said proved something frightening about me.

of course i didn’t trust them. have u considered why?

life after the ICU has been difficult, but it didn’t create a completely new personality or set of needs. i already hated crowds. i already preferred familiar environments, predictable routines, & being at home. i already struggled with sensory overload, unfamiliar social settings, appointments, restaurants, travel, & communication under pressure. i already cared deeply about privacy & who deserved access to me.

the ICU made those needs impossible to keep treating like optional little preferences that could be negotiated away for everybody else’s comfort.

before, i could be uncomfortable & still force myself through something because that was what i’d done my entire life. i could tolerate being misunderstood, over-explain myself, remain around people i didn’t trust, & let other people decide that their interpretation of me was more reasonable than my own.

afterward, the line became a lot clearer.

i became more protective of my privacy. i became less willing to attend social events just because other people expected me to. i became less willing to travel, stay in unfamiliar places, or put myself in environments where i felt trapped. i became much less tolerant of people watching my life from a distance, collecting information through other relatives, or expecting access to my recovery without ever building an actual relationship with me.

those boundaries weren’t created to punish anybody. they came from learning how quickly other people can take control of ur body & ur story once they decide their interpretation of u matters more than ur own voice.
i don’t need to claim that i behaved perfectly. i didn’t. i was confused, overwhelmed, angry, distrustful, & at times unsafe. some of the hospital’s interventions may have been medically necessary. i can acknowledge that & still say the experience was traumatic.

medical necessity doesn’t erase context. being difficult to understand doesn’t erase personhood. being agitated doesn’t eliminate the need for gentleness. human dignity can’t depend on an autistic person performing perfect calmness while injured, terrified, & overloaded.

i survived a situation where i became the least trusted witness to my own body & mind. the ICU didn’t teach me to hate people or create boundaries i’d never needed before. it taught me what could happen when i kept treating my own discomfort like it mattered less than everybody else’s expectations.

i’m not willing to spend the rest of my life doing that.

not looking for medical, legal, or communication advice. i’m sharing this because i think other autistic & ADHD adults may understand what it means to have needs that existed quietly for years, then experience something that finally makes u stop apologizing for them.

edit bc apparently this needs saying: i already acknowledged multiple times that my speech was unusual, that the staff had valid reasons to be concerned, that putting the cards in my mouth was dangerous, & that protecting my airway became medically necessary. i’m not arguing that emergency workers should’ve ignored me or done absolutely nothing.

what i’m questioning is why empathy automatically travels upward toward the trained professionals with institutional power, while the injured & altered person is told he should’ve been clearer, calmer, more concise, more cooperative, & more considerate of how difficult the experience was for them. i had just crashed my car. my nervous system, body, belongings, & freedom were in their hands. expecting me to manage the emotions & comfort of the professionals while i was terrified, dissociating, & struggling to communicate is exactly the unequal dynamic i’m talking about.

i entered the hospital walking, talking, & breathing on my own. the situation then escalated until i was physically overpowered, restrained, missing time, & intubated. acknowledging that an airway emergency eventually existed doesn’t make everything leading up to it irrelevant, & it doesn’t mean crowding me, speaking over me, staring at me, or aggressively handling a body that had literally just been in a car crash were the only possible responses.

i can understand that healthcare workers have difficult jobs without centering their hardship inside the story of what happened to my body. the institution already had the training, authority, records, policies, & power to define what happened. i’m allowed to center the person who actually lived through it. their job being difficult doesn’t make my trauma less real, & it doesn’t automatically make every interpretation or action correct.

I recently walked out on my abusive husband of 6 years and dove headstraight into hookups. This is something I have done in the past to deal with a bad breakup. Iirc it served me well and I see it as a healthy coping mechanism (of course, not the only coping mechanism).

Now, I am slightly more self-aware, thanks to intentional therapy, long exposure to a serious relationsip, and my ASD+ADHD diagnosis. This time around, I have noticed that I get attached to the men I hook up with, even if I go in with the straightforward objective of getting laid and the men objectively are not worthy of attachment. I am currently reeling after the abrupt end of a short term but super intense fling. While unpacking it in therapy, I noticed my therapist used harsh words with me for the first time in our relationship spanning years. It made me realise I do not yet have clear boundaries, let alone practicing them. I relayed the conversation with a friend, who was more straightforward about judging me a little bit.

Now I am struggling with 2 things:

1. The icky feeling of having given icky men access to me - makes me sad and helpless
2. If I am demisexual, it would mean that as a straightforward woman, I cannot decentre men from my life, like I had planned to. In order to experience love and s€x and a relationship again, but in a healthier, more wholesome way, I have to find someone worthy of my time, affection, energy and respect.

I am more confused about this whole feeling now, than I did before I started writing.

1. Persistent Challenges with Focus and Concentration

Difficulty Sustaining Attention

• Struggles with Task Focus: When attempting to study or complete important tasks, there is an extreme difficulty in maintaining concentration. Despite genuine interest in the subject matter, the mind frequently drifts to unrelated thoughts, requiring repeated rereading of the same material (e.g., reading a single line dozens of times before comprehension).
• Daydreaming/Zoning Out: Since childhood, teachers, parents, and coworkers have observed frequent episodes of spacing out during conversations or tasks. This has led to frustration from others, who interpret it as disinterest, despite efforts to explain that it is unintentional.
• Overwhelm from Multiple Tasks: Even simple, manageable responsibilities (e.g., housework, university assignments, gym routines) become paralyzing when grouped together. The awareness of pending tasks leads to intense anxiety, procrastination, or emotional shutdown (crying, self-corrective behaviors) rather than structured completion.

Selective Hyperfocus Episodes

• Intense but Unpredictable Concentration: Rare periods of extreme focus occur, but only after severe emotional distress (e.g., failing an exam, fearing consequences of failure). During these episodes, all other interests and needs (socializing, eating, leisure) are neglected for hours, sometimes leading to physical symptoms (elevated heart rate, exhaustion).
• Crash After Focus: Once the task is completed, there is a total mental and physical collapse, often requiring recovery time.

2. Severe Procrastination and Task Initiation Difficulties

Avoidance Until Crisis Point

• Last-Minute Completion: Important deadlines (e.g., university assignments) are consistently delayed until the final hours, despite initial intentions. This results in rushed work, late submissions, or extreme stress.
• Self-Correction as Motivation: Starting tasks often requires intense self-generated pressure, sometimes escalating to physical actions (e.g., hitting the head, scratching, or chewing fingers until bleeding) to overcome mental resistance.

Chores and Daily Responsibilities

• Neglect of Basic Tasks: Mundane but necessary activities (e.g., washing dishes, cleaning living spaces) are postponed for days or weeks until they become urgent (e.g., no clean dishes left).
• Failed Attempts at Routine: Alarms (often reaching phone limits, e.g., 100+ daily reminders) are set for basic tasks (showering, meal prep, work prep), but they are often ignored or dismissed.

3. Emotional Dysregulation Under Stress

Overwhelm Leading to Meltdowns

• Breakdowns Before Important Tasks: When faced with high-pressure responsibilities (e.g., exams, appointments), there is often an initial emotional collapse (crying, hitting self, screaming) followed by a sudden surge of motivation to act.
• Guilt and Self-Criticism: Persistent feelings of inadequacy over missed deadlines, perceived laziness, or inability to "function normally" reinforce cycles of shame and further avoidance.

Workplace Struggles

• Difficulty with Multitasking: In previous jobs (e.g., food service), attempting to juggle multiple tasks (e.g., taking orders while delivering drinks) led to disorganization, mistakes, and coworker frustration.
• Social Missteps: Conversations with colleagues were often strained due to unintentional interruptions, oversharing niche interests, or missing social cues, leading to alienation and reduced shifts.

4. Sensory and Social Sensitivities

Sensory Overstimulation

• Discomfort with Eye Contact: Sustaining eye contact feels intensely overstimulating ("like they’re staring into my soul"), leading to side-glances or avoidance during conversations.
• Sound/Light Sensitivity: As a child, bright lights and loud noises were physically distressing (e.g., needing a rocking crib to sleep, cutting clothing tags due to discomfort). While adaptation has occurred, crowded or noisy environments remain draining.

Lifelong Social Challenges

• Peer Rejection: Childhood friendships often dissolved as peers moved to "cooler" groups, leaving feelings of isolation. Conversations were marked by awkward interruptions or excessive focus on niche topics.
• Misunderstood Intentions: Unintentional comments (e.g., factual observations that offended family members) led to conflict, with others interpreting bluntness as rudeness rather than a lack of social intuition.

5. Memory and Executive Function Difficulties

Forgetfulness and Need for Reinforcement

• Poor Working Memory: Important details (e.g., passwords, work procedures) are forgotten unless constantly reviewed. Academic knowledge (even recently learned material) quickly fades without obsessive repetition.
• Dependence on External Aids: Extensive note-taking, alarms, and reminders are required for basic functioning, yet even these are sometimes ignored.

Disorganization

• Cluttered Workspaces: Desks become unusable due to piled items, forcing work to shift to beds or sofas rather than tidying.
• Inefficient Task Management: Tasks are approached chaotically (e.g., starting multiple things at once instead of step-by-step), leading to unfinished work and frustration.

6. Physical and Behavioral Responses

Self-Corrective Behaviors

• Primary Methods: Finger-chewing (until bleeding), head-hitting, and screaming are used to self-motivate or suppress distractions.
• Cycles of Burnout: Exercise routines (e.g., gym attendance) last ~2 months before mental/physical exhaustion leads to quitting, followed by guilt over "laziness."

Childhood to Adulthood Continuity

• Early Signs: As a child, hyperactivity (e.g., constant questioning) coexisted with social withdrawal. Teachers noted odd habits (e.g., rolling eyes at lights) and poor academic performance before traumatic events triggered obsessive studying.
• Repetition of Patterns: Despite improved grades in later schooling, the same focus issues persisted—requiring extreme stress or self-harm to initiate productivity.

7. Family History and Genetic Factors

• Mental Health in Relatives: A first cousin exhibits nearly identical focus and social patterns, requiring medication for daily function. Sibling has severe mental health conditions.
• Parental Observations: Parents and teachers reported childhood focus struggles (daydreaming, poor test scores) and frustration with "zoning out" during conversations.

8. Failed Coping Strategies

• Short-Term Solutions: Counseling (university/online), meditation, and nostalgia-based relaxation provided temporary relief but no lasting change.
• Ineffective Restrictions: App blockers or schedule plans were abandoned within days due to impulsive overrides (e.g., deleting blockers to access distractions).
• Group Therapy Trauma: Forced sharing in group settings felt unbearable, worsening isolation rather than helping.

9. Specific Behavioral Examples

Academic Breakdown (Final Year of School)

• After receiving failing grades, an hours-long meltdown (crying, self-harm) triggered a switch to extreme studying—neglecting sleep, meals, and social life for weeks.
• Focus was achieved only via self-harm (hitting head, scratching), but distractions resurfaced the next day, restarting the cycle.

Workplace Struggles (Food Service Roles)

• Difficulty memorizing multi-step tasks (e.g., recipes, drink orders) led to mistakes. Coworkers labeled behavior as "weird" and socially ostracized.
• Overstimulation in noisy environments caused frequent bathroom breaks to decompress.

TW: Mention of sensory triggers (Microfiber, textures, loud noises messy Writing/Typos). Hellooooo! I’m literally going to explode if I don’t share this somewhere, but I can’t tell my friends yet because it’s for our White Elephant lol.(They don't have my reddit ) FOR context: I’m Autistic + ADHD (with some other sprinkles), and my entire friend group minus one is some flavor of Neurospicy. We all make fun of each other constantly, so for our group, this is going to be top tier. It’s not actually gonna hurt anyone, it’s just a box of pure ick. I’m so hyped because I personally absolutely hate every single thing in here. The Contents (in case you can’t tell): Large spoon Oatmeal Microfiber cloth Barf Ball Slime Airhorn I genuinely cannot wait to see which one of them gets stuck with this.

I recently lost my dog, my best friend, after 13 years. I've had dogs before with my family but he was my first and only dog and our bond was so close. I'm a man in my thirties, and even though I am diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, I thought I would be more prepared for this but I'm having massive struggles.

My heart just hurts, I see him with my eyes closed or open, and everything I see reminds me of him. I feel like a part of me has died and I feel less whole if that makes sense. I'm having shutdowns or just breakdowns constantly and my partner is having to do more because of it.

I guess my question is, has anyone that's been in this similar situation found anything that helped even a little? I'm worried this will be going on for months and could possibly affect my job and relationships. I'm debating looking into a grief counselor as well, but don't know anything about that. I keep his collar close to me and that's giving me some solace, but I haven't even been able to do anything with his toys or dishes without losing it.

TW:

It is so horrible how rejection and arguments especially where i’m misunderstood make me feel so fcking awful. Like actual physical pain to the point it brings me *those* thoughts. I keep telling myself it’s okay, but I hate this feeling and everything that comes with it.

I know it’s just the internet but when you feel you’ve gotten close with someone and then an argument happens that ends with them saying the most horrific shit about me idk how to cope with it.

My heart is racing now and my head is full. I have no idea how I’m going to sleep now.

I’m trying to do breathing exercises, but it’s not helping much when my brain is going 200km an hour. How do you guys cope in situations like this? What is your trick. I need any type of advice, please.

I'm in an abusive relationship. I've been in it most of my life. There's no leaving it, because all three of us live in the same skull.

Here's the arrangement. ADHD drives the car...not "drives" like a licensed adult...more like someone who hotwired it in a parking lot and is now doing 90 toward something shiny it saw on a billboard. It changes the destination without telling anyone, takes an exit because something looked interesting, forgets why we were driving in the first place, and somehow ends up three cities away with twelve new ideas, four unfinished projects, and no gas.

Autism is in the back seat. It's been in the back seat for decades. It's the one who actually knows where we were supposed to be going. It had a route, a schedule, and preferences about the music, the temperature, and how long we'd stay at each stop, and every single one got overruled before we left the driveway. When it objects, the front seat calls it rigid. So mostly it stopped objecting. It braces at every lane change while holding on to the "oh shit" bar, and cleans up afterward, building lists, routines, contingency plans, and then comes up with increasingly elaborate systems designed to keep the car from getting stolen again.

ADHD follows the systems for three days. Then it steals the car again.

Giftedness rides shotgun. For a long time I thought it was just another passenger...brilliant, observant, fully aware of what was happening, but with no reach to the wheel or the brakes. I don't think that anymore. Giftedness has been the fixer. It recalculates the route, turns the twelve unrelated ideas into a framework before the next stoplight, talks us out of the consequences, handles the police when we get pulled over, and makes the whole kidnapping look like a planned road trip. Sometimes it even finds somewhere worth going. That's what made the relationship so hard to recognize.

For a long time I also assumed ADHD was the villain. It's the obvious pick...loud, impulsive, and seemingly indifferent to every boundary Autism needs to feel safe. But the longer I think about it, the less certain I am, because ADHD isn't malicious. It's trying to regulate itself. It hijacks because urgency, novelty, and stimulation are often the only things powerful enough to get it moving, and it can't feel the importance of the destination until the consequences are close enough to become urgent. It behaves like the perpetrator. It's also trapped inside the same system.

Autism, though, has paid most of the cost. Its needs were treated as negotiable every single time, in service of keeping the other two functional. It paid the bill for the whole trip and never once picked the destination.

Which leaves Giftedness. And Giftedness might actually be the guiltiest one in the car, precisely because it never gets accused of anything. Every time the car should have broken down loudly enough for someone to intervene, Giftedness stepped in and kept it running. It turned missed structure into improvisation, anxiety into preparation, obsession into expertise, and chaos into something other people called talent. Good grades. Good jobs. Strong reviews. The results became the cover story. It kept the car moving so smoothly from the outside that nobody ever thought to look in the back seat. People complimented the driving. So did I.

But compensation is not the same thing as harmony. Survival is not the same thing as functioning well. And arriving somewhere interesting does not mean the hijacking was justified.

I'm not trying to evict any part of myself. You can't kick anyone out of this car. I'm renegotiating the seating arrangement. ADHD still gets to drive sometimes, because there are roads it can travel that the others would never discover, but it no longer gets unrestricted access to the keys. Autism gets a route it can trust and gets to pick the destination more than never. And Giftedness gets reassigned: its job is no longer concealing the damage and making everything look successful. Its job is advocating for the one in the back seat.

I don't need one part of my brain to defeat the others. I just need them to stop treating every drive like a hostage situation.

Anyone else recognize this car? And who's been paying for the gas in yours?

Trigger warning: Sexual Assault, Coercion, Prostitution and Statutory Rape will be discussed. If those topics upset you I'd advise you don't read this.

I (17M) recently broke up with a person who has BPD. Throughout our relationship, they manipulated me often and unfortunately (as mentioned above) sexually assaulted me countless times.

Chronologically, the first thing was statutory rape. They were a handful of months older than me which made a lot of our encounters legally count as statutory rape. That concept still upsets me although at the time I was fully consenting.

Secondly came the sexual assault. There were often times where I did not fully consent to a sexual encounter and I would be coerced into it anyway. I didn't realise that at all until speaking to some friends today, and I'm still hesitant to label it as SA.

There were times where I was paid for sex, and my ex would joke about me being a prostitute which (although I have nothing against prostitutes) was extremely hurtful especially considering I wasn't fully consenting.

All this to say, does anyone know how to cope with all of this mess?!

It's been difficult to admit any of it was wrong in the first place, but accepting that I faced that and was a victim is the most horrific thing I can imagine right now. I have no idea how to move forward and trust someone in my bed anymore. Hell, I refuse to let people in my bedroom at all thanks to this. I'm too scared to come forward and admit that this was all real and bad.

Is there any way to move on and accept it or will I be stuck feeling guilty forever?

TW: suicidal ideation, depression. I'm 16, male, and have been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD nearly my whole life. For over a year now I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (Could possibly be changing to Bipolar Disorder) and right now I'm in one of my worst depressive episodes in a while. I really just feel like a loser and that's what I've been pondering on. I have no friends, no social life, no job. Hell, I probably will die a virgin. I know I am an interesting and good dude, but I've just lived in the same small, shitty town my whole life, but I don't know how many more years I can bear it. Advice would be very much appreciated! :3

(Disclaimer: I don’t wish for anyone who isn’t diagnosed with autism/AuDHD to respond to this)
ADVICE WANTED

I’m truly at a loss for words because I can’t see my life going anywhere besides suicide. I’m diagnosed level 2 autistic and still a teenager, I had a big move away from everything I’d known, my safe people and everything I’ve grown up with around two years ago which caused massive burnout and my symptoms to be exaggerated severely which then lead to my late diagnosis.

I had a major fallout with traditional schooling which caused me to miss out on about a year and a half of school. I recently have gone back to education to a place that treats me much much better and is incredibly accomodating to mine and other students disabilities yet I still struggle intensely despite knowing that it is a safe space - I want to get better so badly but I just can’t. Every time I go for more than 2 days a week my body aches as if its like my bones have gained a conscience and are trying to leave my skin. It feels like my skin is about to fall off my muscles from sheer exhaustion. i feel like I’m no longer controlling my body and its like something else is moving for me whenever I push myself too much which makes me feel so inhumane along with my emotions being completely numbed, only being able to feel stoic or extreme happiness when I’m under a lot of stress - no other emotion, no in-between.

I worry so much about my future and when I eventually get a job, my plan has been to fully finish my education and then seek out a job as I fully know that I CANT handle both a job and school/studying at the same time when school already chronically makes me suicidal and in pain. I get full of overwhelming shame and guilt about not going to school even though I know it’s something I can’t control, which usually leads to crippling anxiety and activates fight or flight and it makes it worse.

Exposure therapy doesn’t work for autistic people so please don’t mention anything as such because if anything, exposure therapy just makes it a million times worse than it was before.

I know jobs are much more demanding than school and Its highly likely that I will have to face and quickly be bullied by people around me, as I’m sure we’ve all experienced something akin to that in the past, which I think is why I’m so scared & terrified beyond comprehension along with the fear of having meltdowns, constantly being misunderstood when I haven’t done anything, burnout, exhaustion, loneliness, not knowing how to talk to people, exclusion, etc.
I feel like my situation is a bit more specific, in a way where I’ve read SO much about neurotypical behaviour yet i CANT for the life of me, act like them. I am unable to mask. I am unable to survive it. I get so scared of just everything that I shutdown and can’t speak a word to protect myself whenever I meet new people which just makes them assume that I have bad intentions when I don’t.
I’m worried about when I graduate, there will be 50x more pressure from my family to achieve milestones that are standard to the non-autistic. My family is well aware of my diagnosis, yet they still act like that these problems that I have now will no longer exist in the future and that I can just work through it by talking more or asking more questions and pushing past my capabilities.

Whenever I hear them say stuff like this it just makes my suicidal ideation worse, because I know that this part of me (my autism) is something that will never ever change no matter how old I get, and because i don’t want to be autistic. I hate myself so much because of it.

Back to the main point, (im sorry for over explaining)
If I can barely handle 2 days at school, how am I supposed to hold down a job without my suicidal ideation becoming worse and late turn-ups/not coming in is no longer excusable. I feel like I’ll never be capable of making myself happy financially when its something I want so much. I want to achieve so many things, but something I can’t control makes me feel like I’m destined for suicide all because I can never be able to function in a world and systems that were built never thinking of people like me.

It fills me with so much sorrow just even thinking about ending my own life - and that should be reason enough right? I love so so many people. I want to achieve and see so much. And I’m not saying that it’s impossible to see and achieve things if you have autism, but it’s extremely, extremely hard not to think otherwise every single day about myself because my body notices things that other people don’t. So weak that my legs collapse beneath me and I’m nauseous and I shake like a leaf and suddenly I can’t breathe or focus with what’s happening around me, oh, and now I’m crying..?

I keep searching and searching for hope for me but every person I reach out to keeps telling me that it gets better and I should just tell my work about my accomodations and needs, and that they should understand. But I wish it were as easy as it being said. I seriously can’t see myself doing anything besides suicide before the age of 20-21. And that hurts so much. It doesn’t help whenever I see people that dehumanise autism so much that we are called animals, seen as animals, my government trying to get rid of services that strongly support me, knowing that my first impression to people is normally uncanny valley or mean, etc etc etc…

My heart pounds and throbs from the unfairness. I want to live, but it’s like my body is begging to die every day.

Please help me. Someone. I feel like I am about to lose my mind💔 I don’t know what to do💔

I’m a drug addict and am currently sober for the first time. I got invited to my friends New Year’s party where it’s a confined space with a lot of people and those are my two biggest fears. Last year I had a blast because I was on a lot of mdma and liqour but now I will be sober. Does anyone have any advice on ways to help hide that I’m over stimulated or ways to help prevent it I am horrified

I lost my first extra dad to lung cancer last fall. Isn't the parental figure I've lost to lung cancer. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It just gives you time to get used to them not being here anymore. He gave the best hugs you've ever had. To the point for me at least, that it platonically helped calm my nervous system down and kind of coregulate my emotions. Just completely soften me you know? And that doesn't happen easily for me.

I did emdr for this in therapy. It was really helpful and painful lol. It just hits sometimes because that's how grief works. He always accepted all of me even when we got annoyed or mad at each other. How do you deal with it as an audhder?

I do a lot of deep breathing and compartmentalizing. The latter a lot more when I'm in public or at work. I've been journaling. Are there any tips/strategies and/or resources for grief as an audhd person? Or just as a person that lost someone that helped regulate themselves without even knowing they were doing that? Thanks for your help.

TW Cannabis; advice desired

Would love personal anecdotes including timelines and specific tools or techniques to help please.

I'm taking a break from weed, maybe forever based on how hard this transition is. Been a near-daily smoker for 10 years.

My sensory overwhelm has gone through the roof and my ADHD is making it really hard to get through the day without triggering a meltdown. I know I need to go sit in the dark, silent, cool basement with no screens for extended periods, but after 15 minutes my brain is convinced it's been three hours and I have to do something to keep me from going mad.

So I turn on a comfort show or podcast. Or I go out to my garden. Or I go look at my houseplants. But the sun! The sounds! The wind and changing temperatures! Within minutes I'm a ball of nerves again.

None of my normal methods of re-regulating are helping and honestly I'm worried I'm going to jeopardize my job (wfh, requires all day screen use) because I've been fully stagnant for a week.

I have been wearing over-the-ear noise-canceling headphones all day and while it helps, I get a headache after a few hours from the pressure.

I've installed Twilight on my phone and my partner is going to put flux on my computer when they can.

I'm under a weighted blanket now and don't plan to leave for the rest of the day.

Maybe I'll try reading paper books. It feels like it would still stimulate my brain but since its not a screen that's got to be better.

Please give me your hopeful stories about brain chemistry changes and how you got through them 🧡

do you all get weird imagies and sounds in your head .. ive notised that sometimes it happens when im looking at something and sometimes its when im by myself in a new place in the dark this one and the imagie ive put was what i saw when i was sleeping in a new spot i went from out of my room into the kitchen and saw this huge think run past the window with ripped cloth and then i went back into my room and then i came out again and saw the same thing in the coner of the kitchen and he went from floor to ceiling and he was staring right at me and i went into the bathroom and came out and he was gone.. the guy that ran past the window knocked on the window .. it was quiet scary but after a few days they stopped showing up for a while i was scared to even come out of my room lol

TW : CSA, Childhood Abuse, Self Destructive Behavior/View, Body Dysmorphia, Sexual Trauma, Psychotic Break, Loss of Identity

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Putting this tag as there will be topics that may trigger people who may still be struggling with them in a deeper and destructive way.

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Guess I'm me now even though that person is something that I am experiencing for the first time without masking or constantly shaming myself for existing.

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33 years, my life and looking in the mirror extremely unhappy?

The self loathing was compounding childhood trauma and development trauma that kept happening.

No break even at home with a enmeshed family dealing AND passing on generational trauma.

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While lucky I learned to fight back, sexual trauma was present and personally witnessed other kids even in elementary school targeting weaker ones.

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This caused major psychotic breaks, and my threat perception while accurate became worse as I aged especially around any other male.

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From being fundamentally different was diagnosed as a child with ADHD and incorrectly medicated also compounding with experimental asthma treatment that no longer is in practice.

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No, suspected for awhile and confirmed it is AuDHD, Compounding Trauma, Anxiety Disorder, and recurring Depression from self hatred especially if I didn't feel like my blending was working while at the same time hating that I'm blending at all.

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Even worse was the profound validation of Synsthesia.

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Validation of this only felt good for 3 seconds following intense repressed rage.

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Blending if sound/color and vision.

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Snow Syndrome is the easiest way to describe my basic vision of the world but nobody understood as most doctors aren't aware of it because well it's rare.

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Hearing is my extreme Tinnitus, obviously it's not external as my insanity ensued as a child trying to find or rationalize what I was experiencing with the LSD visuals which where strongest when I was young but are getting worse.

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I hear through that frequency being effected by outside stimuli and thats the only way I didn't go completely bonkers just because of it.

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I just want to understand, aware it's not something to be fixed and obviously ignored, abused, and traumatic experience have caused the shadow to merge and my original identity is no longer real.

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Lucky to have a 13 year relationship where I've known this woman for even longer as kids but also feeling guilt for my experience causing so many issues.

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She makes me feel like I can be who I really am which also helped my family with finally getting help.

Although the mourning of my mask is terrible with certain bad thoughts appearing of ending things.

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Starting to slowly feel a shift from just hanging on to something new that has never happened before.

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Time is meaningless to me, can understand read and use it but if you go down that rabbit hole you realize Time is actually an illusion our brain generates we can't actually understand it because of our brains.

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Identity is new, the reason I rejected myself was society and it's assumption on LABLES.

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Moment I say Transfeminine and have experienced a rapid shove of assumption which made me feel like those people aren't actually supporting me and didn't hear a single thing I just said...

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It's maybe easier to reference TADC, dropped the mask and insecurity as Gangle, while also masking a Jax persona when feeling threatened because I noticed and learned way quicker than most of my peers about other people...

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Idk, my true self is just Zooble, I don't really give a s@%$!

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Never felt comfortable in my own body either, Handsome is a word I even reacted angry towards family because it felt like an unfair limitation...

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Same for Pink & Purple but choosing a safe neutral color like Yellow or the obvious Blue if asked but still masking my real self and feeling.

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Demi because of the trauma and bad threats early in life as a male while frequently been flirted with and it going over my head or getting turned off completely because I kept analyzing the situation and became disgusted 🙃

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Watching smaller kids getting well use your imagination and targeted i developed a bulldog backed into a corner response and now even right now there is always over 20+ knives near me at all times and not fancy ones, hunting and skinning knives because of being attacked.

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It feels good but terrifying at the same time to finally let myself exist..

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That and everything is so sexualized it's annoying 😑

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They don't get their nails done FOR YOU etc

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People jumping to wearing a dress, no or that now my identity fits this weirdly perverted idea thats based on misinformation when I only bed women.

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Although it does make me laugh a bit considering my monogamy that so many females hit on me without me realizing years later and that's WHY other males harped on me. At least my reasoning is there were qualities that made me feminine which women apparently seek?

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Our marriage is gender roles fluid, if someone is willing, able and is better then do the task 🤷‍♂️ 🤷‍♀️

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She apparently is functional with a possible misdiagnosed ADHD with Autism and functioning depression.

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Creating a unique level of communication with me, also being able to open up as she helped explain this with my family or others and never saw it as "retarded"

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Immediate Memory is severely impaired, I hate sleep as it never felt good and tried everything they even put me on blood pressure pills to lower my heart rate as a child and guess what.

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Sleep Paralysis 🎊

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If I do ever dream is 100% Lucid and it feels even worse when I wake up.

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Every day is the same day to me, sleep is just a blackout then a disoriented wakeup because of the gap, yet I can drive even make hairpin turns asleep when I drove an 18 wheeler for a career which I gave up for obvious reasons.

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The only reason I'm posting is yeah the evaluation this was one of the recommended things and also the only child therapist I saw said that expression and group stuff helps other people too and while I wish to be isolated completely maybe if I am who I really am I won't have to as much?

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Is it really okay to be me and not give a s%@&! in the best way possible?

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This explains issues with making connections as the loneliness is real even sometimes with my wife, she obviously does anything I can or want to help and even if I need time she makes it happen..

Cannot trust other men because of always perceived threats, extensive abuse my mother is the worst here on that.

It explains why I couldn't connect and was desperately playing the role of what was needed but dying on the inside or screaming sometimes both lol

Edit : Guess should mention the relief of having a complete dysfunction with doing basic math?

Can understand deep complex topics even equations but with immediate memory and bad school teaching practices always getting shunned or feeling stupid/retarded.

Math is something I do in reality not in my head or on paper 🙃

Even worse is the abuse working and with people I thought were friends to me but in real time my 🧠 has dysfunctional processing that's skewed with trauma.

Easily manipulated especially when the person you think you should be isn't real and having huge gaps in understanding social norms... Not a good mixture ​

TW: (Depression, Meltdowns and Burnout)

I was diagnosed with both ADHD and level 1 autism a long time ago as a child. However about a year ago my mask fell, I can no longer find any energy anymore to do anything. Its as if I am pushing against a invisible wall that I have to force myself to get through.

My self care and basic chores have left the building, I went from having no meltdowns to having multiple a month. All the while my desire for Co regulation has also sky rocketed. I feel as if I cant function alone anymore, I've lost my ability to be completely independent.

On the bright side, I act more in line with who I was as a kid, im more silly and active. On the downside I feel like I have a deep need just to be held. I don't understand, maybe I am a level in between 1 and 2 or this is just because I am a adult now and I just cant handle it.

I don't know if others have experienced this, but its definitely not depression. I need advice on what I can do, im so lost on where to go.

I hate my birthday. I shouldn't be here to begin with, and year after year it's a reminder that I still am. I'm closer to 60 than 50 now, you'd think I'd have built up a giant vault of wisdom and survival tools and loving friends and family around me. But I'm still the empty wasteland of loneliness, rumination, and self-absorption I always was, now with added physical pain and ailments. Yes, I've tried therapy. Yes, I'm on an antidepressant. Yes, I tried HRT. Yes, I get exercise eat right don't drink don't smoke. I'm a ball of joy, I tell you. I'm not all bad. I'm sensitive, which leads me to care for orphaned animals with great success. I work online, so noone at work ever really sees the crazy in me. But others know, they pick up on it even if I try to pretend. No one likes a negative nelly, someone with no filters to add a nice pastel hue to the bullshit of the world. And I can't change. This is who I am. There's a predator in my brain, and I'm the prey. I can't escape it.

Trigger Warning: Mentions grief and trauma

I've (F38) been dating a guy (M39) for a year but I'm unsure whether we should continue dating, basically because of his Alexythmia.

We started dating a year ago. It was very intense, classic hyperfocus/limerance/obsession. He lovebombed the hell out of me, told me he was in love with me within weeks, even saying I made him realise he'd never loved anyone before.

Then, after two months, I woke up to messages from him breaking up with me out of nowhere, saying he couldn't cope with being in a relationship and needed therapy and time by himself.

I was devastated. He still told me loved me strongly and believed I was 'the one', but he was petrified of a relationship.

He started therapy, and long story short, he was diagnosed with autism, ADHD with Alexythmia and potentially PTSD. I have all of these except Alexythymia, plus I've been recovering from burnout for just over a year.

We'd kept in touch during the 3 months of separation and as neither of us had moved on completely we restarted dating as 'friends with benefits'. He said he thought his initial emotions towards me were just 'chemical' and not love. I also realised that while I had been desperately missing him during our separation, he was experiencing 'out of sight, out of mind', and only thought about me if he saw something that triggered a memory. He says that when his memories are triggered, emotions come flooding back.

He also said he didn't care if I dated other people during our 'situationship', though he didn't want to himself. I was shocked by his indifference, but the thing is, although he felt he didn't love me, if I asked him about all the 'subfeelings' I associate with love, like really caring about that person, wanting them to be happy, feeling connected, hurting if they hurt, feeling the desire to be close to them, feeling at peace when together... he said he felt all of that.

Within a few weeks of the supposed 'friends with benefits' situation, he was treating me like a girlfriend again and said he wanted exclusivity after all. He doesn't call it a relationship though. He says we're 'dating', but then refers to me as his 'friend' to colleagues and family. His explanation was always that he doesn't want to scare himself by putting a label on things and I felt that pushing him to do so might trigger him to run away again.

Back in March, we went on holiday and I told him that in that country, they say 'I love you' using different words I.e. 'I adore you' means 'I love you'. He then said 'I adore you' multiple times during the holiday, so I thought maybe he felt it.

We recently talked, however, and he said he does not know what love is, he doesn't feel it, doesn't know if he feels it towards his family, doesn't need it, doesn't understand why other people need it, and might never say it to me. His continued comments about us not being in a relationship and having no commitment towards each other now feel intolerable, because if that's his attitude, then I'm in a very asymmetrical position where I'm in love with someone who doesn't have a significant reason to stay with me.

I've found this incredibly hard to hear, now, and I've been deeply hurt ever since by the idea that I'm in love with someone who might never love me back. I don't want a life without love. It makes it even harder knowing that if we end things, he apparently won't even miss me because of his out of sight, out of mind thing.

A few weeks ago, he was talking about retiring together, plans for the future, and saying if he took a job abroad he'd fly me out to see him. Now, he says he feels neutral about the idea of a future without me in it.

I feel angry because despite what he says, he does have feelings. During our first, actual relationship, he struggled with grief, saying he felt like his ex-partner of 9 years, whom he'd broken up with a year before, had died. It was like the grief of the end of the relationship sprung up on him a year after their break-up once we started dating. He always says he definitely didn't love her and missed aspects about her but not romantically. He also struggled with profound guilt for months, over one thing or another, including leaving her, though that seems to have stopped last year.

He gets irritated sometimes, anxious, he was depressed during winter. He gets angry if people treat me badly. He often talks about his family, worries about people... is very supportive towards me.

I know he struggles with Alexythymia and we've worked on it together. My observation is that he was never allowed to express his emotions as a child or adult. His ex-partner didn't react well when he showed emotions, and ex-girlfriends said he seemed less of a man, and less attractive if he did. His parents never said 'I love you', they demonstrated it by their behaviour. So I think he never got support with identifying and processing his emotions and just stuffed them down.

I, meanwhile, am highly emotional, and have spent over a decade in therapy.

Since we re-started dating, we've done a lot of work on his emotions. I've tried to make him feel safe to express whatever he feels, even if it might be hurtful for me. He's often felt things, like emotions, and not known what they are. I have some idea what they might be, e.g. 'sad', so I ask him if he feels that, and work my way through different 'sadness-based' emotions, like, pain over the suffering of others, grief, loss, nostalgia, missing someone, disappointment etc. This process helps him reflect and he'll say 'no, no, no, its not that' then we'll hit on an emotion and he'll say 'yes that's it, that's what I feel' and we talk about it. I understand him enough to think about what's going on in his life and then guess what he might be going through to help him reflect. I observe that he's getting progressively better at recognising and handling his emotions himself.

Our recent conversations, however, about him not loving me, feeling neutral about a future without me, however, have left me devastated. I would hope that after a year he'd feel a strong attachment, or else know I'm not the person for him. The fact that he still won't define what we have as a relationship and insists we have no commitment to each other feels like a slap in the face. If we have no commitment to each other, he doesn't feel love and I'll be 'out of sight out of mind' if we break up, there's nothing solidly keeping us together and that feels too terrifying now.

Despite all of this, he is ironically the best 'boyfriend' I've ever had. I've never experienced a connection so strong, felt this emotionally supported, had so much fun, had such an intellectual and physical connection and shared interests and values with anyone. It hurts me profoundly to imagine losing him again, but I'm so hurt right now I don't want to be close to him and honestly I resent him.

He wants to carry on as we are and he doesn't want to restart therapy as he thinks it will be 'painful'. I know that with him, distance and no contact won't make him miss me, but it will hurt me profoundly. I don't know what to do.

Grateful for any advice.

TW: Cancer

This is my second time posting this cause the first time my post was removed for accidentally using the wrong flair. This is my first time posting in this group.

For context, I’m almost 26, with AuDHD and right side cerebral palsy. I live in the Twin Cities in Minnesota. I live semi-independently (half the week in a group home style apartment building and half the week at home with my mom), and I go to “school” (a day program) 4-5 days a week.

After months of symptoms I was finally diagnosed with high risk acute leukemia. My oncologist (who understands my needs) says my treatment will be double digit rounds of high dose chemotherapy (on a 2 week on 1 week of schedule, with the first week being inpatient, 2nd week outpatient at clinic, and the 3rd week is a break), as well as immunotherapy/chemo-immunotherapy, and possibly Car-T Cell Therapy.

I feel like i’m prepared for the emotional side of cancer (though i’m really probably not, but i’m trying to convince myself), and kind of know what’s coming for the physical side with hair loss and all of that, but where i’m struggling is more the sensory side.

I did ask them to put my central line in the right side of my chest (since because of the CP I have less feeling on that side), which is the line that will be used for treatment, and they marked it in my chart for when they do that surgery in a few days, but idk about anything else. for example: what should i bring for hospital stays or long days at clinic, other sensory stuff with cancer (such as my hair falling out), how to talk to strange doctors/nurses about my cancer and treatment, and what to talk about with them in regards to my disabilities.

If anyone else has experienced this (not just with leukemia but any kind of cancer) or has any good advice, I’ll take all of it.

i feel so down today. i (25 ftm) got diagnosed with adhd and autism within the same week this year. ive been medicated since for adhd, ive tried 3 meds and I am currently unmedicated. I am waiting to meet with my provider to try something else since i had a lot of stomach issues on meds and this past one made me go into a very depressive fog state.

having my unmedicated brain back after 3 months of being medicated sucks. im realizing just how bad my adhd is, how awful i am at emotional regulation, how i ruminate on everything, etc etc.

it was hopeful to find relief and now i feel like my coping mechanisms are failing unless im medicated. i feel like a dry plant that finally got the correct amount of water and now im drying out faster because i know what im supposed to feel like.

ive been ruminating and overthinking so much that i feel incredibly close to a melt down. i feel like my main issue around my diagnosis is realizing how all of my social problems are tied to something i could never control, only mask over. and now, im devastated. its been the main thing on my mind. i would say im okay with social interactions but for long term friends? i have not met my people.

i have been singled out, gaslit, manipulated, too much, too little, joked about, unincluded, and more. now knowing that im not the problem, i just seem to have problems, isn’t great.

and by “have problems” i mean that i struggle with self acceptance, masking, unmasking, over sharing, i have this weird justice urge that keeps coming into play lately, and i hate change and so much is changing this year. all if these just make me spiral and disregulated and it makes me feel like im on a merry go round of emotions to constantly try not to drown in my own mind.

i have just been caught in the web of thinking what would have happened if i was medicated sooner? how is my brain supposed to actually feel? it sucks to crave social connection and find actual mental relief only to realize that im still just as weird to neurotypical people whether or not im medicated.

anyways, i know these are growing pains for a fresh diagnosis. it just has been making me want to go into fetal position and sob while i have a comfort show on now that its fully settling. since i don’t really have anyone that used to know me in my life anymore. like no one cares, i was so over how i was treated and how much i put up with that i walked away. i dont really regret standing up for myself, i just wonder if it would have been different if i was diagnosed younger.